wouldn't know how to exist
chapter 4 lets go babYYYY
HI IM SORRY slow updates i started high school last week
all Padfoot mannerisms were inspired by my own dogs
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TW !!! PLEASE READ BEFORE CONTINUING heavy mentions of child abuse, i recognize this could be interpreted as worse than in canon but from what I've read so far, it seemed the author wanted us to read between lines with some of the things they imply and some of the things the characters canonically do. I am just going into depth on what I think could have happened pre-canon, and Harry's mannerism's may seem weird, or the attachment may seem rushed, but i guarantee it's in character for both Harry and for abused children, while some tend to push people away and be scared or angry, throughout the series we see Harry become fiercely attached to people, and if u want, you're free to comment about this , i want to hear what you all think about it ! tysm for reading !
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Harry twisted and turned in his cot. With some difficulty, of course, not used to having a dog filling up the small space along with him, Padfoot only being here a couple of days. Harry had been dealing with nightmares his entire life and the past couple of days have been no different or easier. Though, with Padfoot around it wasn’t as violent and didn’t leave him with a sense of looming danger as it normally would.
Waking with a start and a gasp, Harry looked around and jumped when he felt fur and a wet sensation on his arm. “Oh.. it’s only you, Padfoot.” Harry whispered to both himself and Padfoot, looking down to see the wet feeling was Padfoot’s nose.
Harry was laying on his back, one hand lightly gripping the back of Padfoot’s neck while the dog laid his head on Harry’s stomach, causing his nose to touch Harry’s arm and looking up at the boy with concern.
Harry dropped his head back onto his pillow, “Sorry for waking you up.” He whispers an apology to Padfoot, gently starting to pet the deerhound. Harry clenches his eyes and opens them again when all he can see is green light.
Sensing the boy’s distress, Padfoot nudges his nose against Harry’s arm and whines in a , ‘Are you okay?’ way. Harry lay there for a moment, “I’m okay, Padfoot. Nightmares are normal.” He continued petting the dog.
Sirius took this information and put it into the corner of his mind with all the other Harry related things. Wondering how to comfort the boy, Padfoot nudged him again with his nose and moved his paw so it laid on Harry’s arm. Harry sighs then sits up in his cot, moving Padfoot so the dog's head lays in Harry’s lap and knee with his body draping half over his feet and half onto the cot. He pets Padfoot gently, and bends his body so he’s hugging Padfoot’s head and neck and laying his head atop of the dog’s head.
Harry murmured into the Padfoot’s fur, “Nightmares are the worst, Padfoot.” The boy sighed. More often than not he’d have nightmares of his parents, or who he imagined his parents to be, hurting him or leaving in some way. Which he supposes they did leave him. There’s a certain shame that always follows these nightmares, or a guilty mindset that he did something to cause their deaths. Did something freaky that caused them to crash. Harry often feels as though it’s his fault, everything seems to be his fault but at the same time he can’t help but wonder if it really is..? The Dursleys often tell him what he thinks is wrong, what he thinks is bad, so maybe it applies to this too? His mind stops racing whenever he thinks about maybe it wasn’t his fault.
Sometimes he has nightmares of him hurting other people. Of hurting the people who have hurt him. Those leave his body buzzing with disdain. He doesn't want to hurt them but sometimes he’ll look at the Dursley’s and wish the worst things on them. They put him through so much, so why can’t he return the favor? Harry always banishes these thoughts as soon as they come, but they always return. Usually these thoughts happen after nightmares because the violence is still fresh in his mind , but with Padfoot here, he feels a bit better. It’s like a giant, fluffy, pillow that’s warm and comforting.
Harry nuzzled a bit more into Padfoot, closing his eyes. Harry could feel himself start to doze back off, it was the middle of the night after all, but woke up a bit when Padfoot whined and pushed him off.
“Sorry, Padfoot.” Harry said, now sitting back up. Though Padfoot only moved himself so he laid between Harry and the cupboard door, guarding it in a sense, before looking at Harry then pointing his head towards the bed, telling Harry to lay back down.
Sirius knew Harry would be uncomfortable laying hunched over all night, so he was happy when the boy got the memo and laid back down on his worn down cot. Padfoot laid his head back down too, closing his eyes and feeling Harry’s hand rest back on the dog’s head, petting him gently. Sirius could tell what kind of child Harry was just by the way he treated animals, some children treat them horribly, some treat them like objects, but Harry treated him gently and carefully.
Harry felt comfort in Padfoot, so petting the dog was a no brainer when he was certain he’d have trouble getting back to sleep. So, Harry pet the dog and closed his eyes, feeling himself start to drift and fall back asleep. Feeling safe that Padfoot would protect him through the night, and if his dreams included a black dog protecting him from the green light then only himself needed to know.
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Harry awoke to his aunt’s voice yelling, “Get up!” And banging on the cupboard’s door, before hearing the familiar unlocking of the door. Looking to his right he saw Padfoot roll his eyes, already awake, most likely annoyed with his aunt. Harry groaned and put his head back on his pillow, laying there before feeling Padfoot lick his face, telling him to get up and giggling at the feeling, “Okay. Okay! I’m up, I’m up!” He smiled at the dog and pet him a bit before pushing open the door of the cupboard.
Blinking his eyes, waiting for them to get adjusted to the light, Harry stepped out into the hallway. Padfoot following from behind. Dudley came barreling from up the stairs, pushing Harry into the way then running into the kitchen, ignoring Padfoot completely. Padfoot growls before looking at Harry with concern while the boy rubs his arm, “‘s alright. C’mon.” Harry walks into the kitchen, Padfoot following.
They walk into the family laughing about something on the muggle TV, Dudley sees Padfoot and grabs at him, and while Sirius tries and fails to escape the child’s grubby hands, Harry giggles at the dog’s antics. Dudley makes a face when he hears Harry laughing, before continuing to prod at Padfoot.
But peace has never been a constant in Harry’s life, “Well, don’t just stand there! If you let my bacon burn, I'll burn you!” Vernon’s shouting at Harry, his face going red.
Harry turned to the stove and rolled his eyes, making sure Vernon didn’t see.
Hearing this, Padfoot’s head perked up. And without thinking he trotted over to Vernon, and while the man pet him, Dudley started to grab at him again, “Come here! Come here, dog!” So, he pretended to be ‘startled’ and lightly bit Vernon’s heel. In fright, of course.
Vernon let out an unmanly yelp, almost jumping in his seat, then glanced at his son and nervously laughed.. “Haha! Funny dog..” Vernon then pushed Padfoot away from his heel, “lightly.” Padfoot then huffed and gave in when Dudley started to poke at him again, knowing if he pushed Vernon too far it wouldn’t be good for anyone.
Harry was grateful Padfoot stopped when he did, he knew better than anyone how quickly things could go south in this home. While Vernon would often yell and get physical, Petunia was the complete opposite. The woman would often opt to throw things at Harry or send him outside, into his cupboard, or ignore him when she was irritated with him, and he knew it was because she didn’t want to touch him. Harry knew it was because he was so freakish to the women she didn’t want to risk catching whatever he had. He didn’t know what exactly made him so freaky but whatever it was, Petunia didn’t want to catch it.
Vernon often got physical or loud , he would yell at Harry and tell him things you should never tell a child. Mostly things about how freakish he is, or how he’s an embarrassment, etc. It hurt Harry to hear these things, from both of them. His uncle was always a big fan of throwing Harry outside, his aunt backed him up so Harry really had no say in the matter. However, Harry thought it was worse when they paid him no attention and acted like a family. Because even though they weren’t talking to him or being outright cruel to him, acting like a family, being a family in front of him… showing him what he didn’t have. Harry thought that was the cruelest thing of all.
Padfoot was a great comfort to Harry, even though he had only been in the house for a couple of days. He had chosen Harry above everything and seemed happy to be with him. It was good enough for Harry that even though Vernon, or Petunia, tried to get Padfoot to play with Dudley he would always stray to go with Harry. Which bothered Dudley’s parents more than Dudley himself. He always wanted to be on his computer anyway so having Padfoot ‘bother’ him was less than ideal, the boy only really wanted a dog just to say he had one. This was ideal for Harry, since he got to spend more time with Padfoot and have a moment of happiness for once.
Snapping back to reality, (eminem lol) Harry looked at the bacon, making sure it was on the stove for 4 and half minutes exactly before scooping it up off the pan and putting it on a plate for Vernon, Petunia had already done the liberty of making the eggs, and boiling the water in a kettle so all Harry had to do was cook the bacon, and make Vernon’s coffee. Padfoot felt like he’d gone through another way trying to get out of Dudley’s grip, and panted a bit before trotting over to Harry.
Harry felt Padfoot’s nose on his leg and looked down, fondly, “Hi, Padfoot.” He whispered and bent down to pet the dog, the dog in question leaning into the gentle touch. Harry petted him for a moment before grabbing the kettle then pouring it in a mug, and Padfoot put his paws on the counter and pushed the instant coffee jar towards Harry.
“Thank you, Padfoot,” The dog helping Harry around the house was a common occurrence now, so Harry wasn’t startled by it. Padfoot softly barked a you're welcome, then put his paws off the counter. He stirred the mug then put just the right amount of creamer and sugar Vernon liked, and brought the man his food.
“About time,” Vernon grumbled out, Padfoot glares at the man and Harry puts the plate of bacon and the mug of coffee on the dining table. “Well, off you go,” Vernon waved Harry off, non-verbally telling him to go away.
Harry, knowing when he’s not wanted, walked over to his cupboard and quietly beckoned Padfoot to come with him. Padfoot followed, of course. They usually have him do chores after breakfast so they can ‘eat in peace’ or whatever. So, Harry enters his cupboard and Padfoot jumps onto the cot next to him before closing the cupboard door.
He put his hand gently on Padfoot’s head, petting him while searching for a toy, he remembered last Christmas his aunt and uncle got Dudley a Rubik's cube but he tried to solve it once, failed, then threw it at Harry. So, Harry took the toy (secretly, of course, his uncle would throw a fit if he found out Harry ever took any of Dudley’s stuff). He picked up the cube, scrambled it from when he solved it last time, and went on his way solving it.
Harry sat there crisscrossed and Padfoot put his head on the boy’s knee. The boy rarely had moments like these, moments where he didn’t feel like he had to be on edge, moments where he wasn’t waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Sitting there, the boy put down his Rubik's cube and wrapped his arms around the dog next to him, and smiled. Smiled because he finally had something, someone, he could rely on. He thought about last night and Padfoot's comfort, how he could comfort Harry without even speaking. Just him being there and knowing Padfoot wouldn't leave was enough for Harry. Although Padfoot was just a dog, Harry knew he was safe with Padfoot and if anything ever happened to the dog, he wouldn't know how to exist.