Waves of Black
The month of October always came along with a comfort that no other month brought. The past Octobers he spent with Sirius watching the stupid muggles ornament their lives with pumpkins and fake candles and all the items that actually existed in Regulus' world. And the first two weeks of October sped by, with course work and random mishaps Evan and Barty had gotten him into filling the days. Regulus had gotten decidedly talented in both his Potions and Defense the Dark Arts classes, as well as finding new excuses as to avoid evenings in the Slytherin Common Room. He spent the waking hours he was free from his friends stalking the corridors of Hogwarts, embracing the solitude. October was the first time he felt farthest away from his mother and the family. Farthest away from the expectations and complicated chaos that surrounded it all. And Regulus could not treasure it more.
It had been weeks since he last saw Sirius -- the last being during his detention with James Potter -- and Narcissa, or any of his extended family, rarely ever approached him, having lives years older than his. They all had their lives, and none needed Regulus' to overlap, which suited him perfectly fine by this point. If only their names could, too, vanish from his life instead of being repeatedly branded onto him.
Regulus Black
the bloodtraitor's brother.
Regulus Black
the Black family's shame.
Because Sirius Black may have been the one sorted a Gryffindor, but it was Regulus failing to be a Slytherin.
He couldn't care for the silly Slytherin grudges, the pointless hexing of strangers solely based off of blood or house. The irrational loyalty just for a house. And Regulus' silence as his housemates eagerly jumped at a new plan of 'making mudbloods pay' stood out even more so because of the names marking him. Because he was the bloodtraitor's brother, because he was the Black family's last chance. But Regulus gradually managed to find ways to slip through the cracks, ignoring the eventual taunts that would come from his lack of participation.
And so, Regulus found himself once more roaming the halls of Hogwarts as Evan and Barty joined the older years in their quests for seeking out unexpecting students.
He always saw the students later on hobbling to the Hospital Wing, with the mixture of tears and blood streaking their faces, but Regulus simply kept walking, into the crowded halls where he was able to get lost. Where he was not Regulus Black but just another Hogwarts student, the green and silver barely recognizable in the swarm of black robes. And when the crowds dispersed leaving him alone in the halls, there was no one left to leer at the Black name branding his existence. All remained was peace and solitude. And Regulus cherished it so.
He always loved the silence of the night in the corridors, with the cold October air snaking around him as moonlight softly lit the night. The rare laughter echoing from distances, the last few students racing to their dorms before Filch catches up to them. The way he could see the castle slowly falling asleep. Regulus closed his eyes for a moment, only feel his shoulder collide with another the next second.
"Watch it." He muttered, only to see no one ahead or behind him. Odd. But he continued on his walk. He could have sworn he heard laughter from behind him, but he kept walking. Eyes forward, pace picked up. He knew it was soon time he would be the next victim of the Slytherin's because it was exactly what had happened to Veronica Zabini, a third year who had decided that she was too busy to join the Slytherin group on their nightly adventures. And she had no qualms with their goals - Zabini had just loads of homework due the following week. But still, Regulus watched as she made her way to the Hospital Wing, letting out strings of curses.
Regulus sighed. If that was what they had done to Zabini, how could he pretend he wouldn't be next. Mulciber and Snape were already eager to pounce, and so were the many other faces Regulus couldn't care enough to remember the names of. It was only time, the question just being when.
The creaking of a door caught his attention as Regulus' eyes watched the sight of two Gryffindors exiting a broom cupboard, sweaty and unaware of his presence, one tying his necktie. And all it took was the shimmer of that gold and red to unleash a flash of memories Regulus had tried to restrict from surfacing. Memories of the day before Sirius had left for Hogwarts after Winter Holidays.
"Like this, okay?" Sirius stood by Regulus, the red and gold tie resting on his neck. "Cross here, around the willow and through the rabbit hole. See?"
Regulus shook his head, hands fumbling with his own tie. It was Sirius who always had fixed his cuffs and collars and ties for family events, who prevented their mother's harsh wrath. But when Sirius had left for Hogwarts in September, Regulus showed up to meetings with rumpled clothes and his house elf, Kreacher, racing behind him anxiously. Walburga's sharp tongue left scars as Regulus returned back to his room, hungry and tear-stricken. But Sirius was here now, and Sirius always fixed everything.
"Reggie, you can do this. Here let me help you," Regulus watched as Sirius stood in front of him, his hands on Regulus's as they moved through the steps. 'Cross here, around the willow, and through the rabbit hole.' "There!" His brother stepped away to let Regulus look at the mirror, the gold and maroon sparkling on the tie that rested so perfectly around his neck. They practiced and practiced until sun and moon exchanged guard and a breathless Kreacher ran into the room.
"Master Regulus, I is sorry to interrupt, but Mistress Black is coming to inform of day's activities. Kreacher doesn't think Mistress Black will highly think of Master Regulus and Master Sirius together." Kreacher tugged at the ends of Regulus' night robe as Sirius let out a long sigh.
"Thank you, Kreacher," Regulus whispered to the elf as he slowly unraveled the red and gold from his neck and handed it to his brother. "You can go now, Kreacher, if you want. Sirius will leave soon, too."
"Anything for Master Regulus!" Kreacher nods, exiting the room silently.
The two boys stared at each other as they faced the goodbye Regulus had so dearly wished to never see.
Sirius spoke first, "Reggie?"
"Yes, Sirius?"
"Don't forget how to tie that tie, now will you?" He let out a tight smile as he opened Regulus' palm and placed the second Gryffindor tie in it, gently folding Regulus' fingers over it. "Here, keep it to practice."
Regulus looked up at his brother, tears beginning to well up. Why do you never write to me at Hogwarts? Why do you always leave me here? But he said none of it, and, instead stepped up to wrap his brother in the tightest hug imaginable to man. He never wanted to let go. He never wanted to see Sirius leave him again. But as always, Sirius was the first to gradually push away. He patted Regulus' shoulder as he opened the door, saluting him with two fingers.
Regulus watched as the door came to a close. And then as Sirius' magic left the Black Manor the next hour.
He spent the next day, the next months, with that tie, passing hours in front of the mirror with red and gold adorning his neck. And every time, Regulus dared to entertain the sliver of hope. Where he would join his brother at that same dining table, where the gold and red would frequent his closet, where Sirius would no longer leave him.
He fiddled with the silver and green constraining his neck as he made his way down the stairs leading to the Slytherin common room. The night was deepening and exhaustion from the day was settling within him. Regulus had just managed to whisper the Slytherin password when he saw his blonde-haired cousin waiting for him inside.
"Cissy?"
"Regulus where have you been?" Narcissa massaged her forehead as she continued, "I've been looking everywhere for you, even asked your little friends if they had seen you."
Regulus said nothing, unsure of why exactly Narcissa had needed to see him.
Narcissa let out a sigh, reaching into the pockets of her sweater, "here," and handed him a folded letter. "I was going to tell SIrius myself, but since you're here this year, you can do that."
Dearest niece,
Thank you for all your quick responses and updates. Orion and I both greatly appreciate knowing how our sons are faring at the school, and I simply have just a few wishes to ask of you this time. Please make sure my son, Regulus
Narcissa must have spelled the letter because the words were blacked-out until the last paragraph.
And ultimately, as you have done last year, do remember that October 23rd I urge the three of you to meet together for Sirius' birthday. I will be there as well through Floo usage and will be strongly dissapointed if you do not have Sirius or Regulus there with you.
Congratulations on your engagement with Mister Malfoy, Narcissa.
Signed, Walburga Black
"You're engaged, Cissy?" Regulus looked up at his cousin, "With Lucius Malfoy? I thought - didn't you used to - I thought you and that other --"
"That was not why I had shown you the letter, Regulus, but yes, I am engaged." Narcissa smiled, though her words were tinged with soft sadness. "The ceremony will happen a week after I graduate, according to my father."
There was a quick pause of silence until Regulus' cousin spoke again, her sharp speech returning, "Make sure to tell Sirius this by this week, understood? And make sure he comes for his birthday gathering because if he doesn't, I will tell Aunt Walburga that you failed to communicate with him enough."
Regulus let out a groan, "Come on, Cissy. Why can't you tell him this?" Merlin, how was he going to get Sirius to not skip on the gathering.
"Because I did it every single time last year." Narcissa snapped, "Besides, he's not my brother, is he, Regulus?"
No, he wasn't. Though Regulus didn't know if that made Narcissa any luckier than him considering the sisters she had. He let out a small smirk. If Sirius was bad, the crazed Bellatrix and Andromeda (each insane in their respective ends of the spectrum) made Sirius look like the perfect child.
"Something funny there, Regulus?" Narcissa leaned in, eyes narrowed. Regulus shook his head quickly, cursing himself for not controlling his reactions better, but Narcissa just continued, "Because there is quite a group here who is very curious about you, my dear little cousin, and I'm sure you wouldn't want them knowing where you are off all those evenings."
"How do you -"
"Tsk, tsk, little cousin." Narcissa's pearl white teeth glowed in the candlelight, "You should be more careful. In any rate, I should get going - Head of House duties and all." She snatched the letter from Regulus and began to walk out towards the common room exit.
"Wait, Cissy!" Regulus blurted, "Where am I supposed to tell Sirius to meet us at?"
"The Astronomy tower."
Lovely.
Regulus trudged up the steps to his dormitory, nodding a lazy greeting to Barty and Evan who were loudly prattling about the evening's events and shut the bathroom door behind him. He felt the cool marble floor as he slid down to the floor, burying his head in his hands. Narcissa knew he was avoiding them; Regulus had to find Sirius and talk to him; his mother would be seeing them soon. Oh Merlin. Oh god.
They would all have to see him. Speak to him. He was doing so well avoiding it all, and now everything is back at the start. In out in out in out. He didn't even know why he cared so much, why it terrified him so much. But seeing Narcissa, hearing his mother through the letter, knowing he would have to talk to Sirius all in one day made the world swim around him. In out in out in out. They all knew - knew he wasn't enough. Not enough like Sirius for Sirius. Not enough like a Black for his mother. Not enough like who knows what for Narcissa. He was failing everyone. In out in out in out. And it didn't even make any sense. In out in out in out. He would have to see his mother. He would have to speak to Sirius. In out in out. He would have to see Sirius. See his brother. See everything that could have been. In out in out.
At least his mother couldn't have anything to berate him with. He did what she wanted. He got into Slytherin. And whether he partook in the activities that they did should be of no importance to her. She shouldn't even know. Narcissa wouldn't tell her, would she? In out in out. What did it matter? Him not hexing mudbloods for fun. It wasn't as if he went against the Black ideal. In out in out. All he wanted was not to waste his time. In out in out. He wasn't a bloodtraitor. He wasn't. He wouldn't be. In out in out. His mother would murder him. In out in out.
Regulus leaned back against the wooden bathroom door, squeezing his eyes tightly. He had a week to find Sirius. Two weeks to get ready for his mother. It was too little time, but too much all at the same time. He let out a sigh as he opened and closed his fists. Oh Merlin why did this terrify him so much. Why did this -
"Black, mate, you good in there?" Evan's voice jolted Regulus out of his spiraling.
He quickly stood up, "Yes, yeah Evan, I'm just getting ready for bed."
"Okay but -"
"Oi Reg hurry up!" Barty's voice floated into the bathroom, "Some of us also need to use the bathroom, too!"
Regulus let out a small laugh as he hurriedly washed his face and changed into his clothes. He would wash tomorrow. Before setting out to find - no he wouldn't think about that right now. Not when he had to leave and see Barty and Evan. He opened the door and walked to his bed, eyeing Barty, "Happy?"
"Very much, thank you kind sir." He made an exaggerated bowing gesture and Evan exploded with laughter. Oh, how to be so happy. Regulus slid under his covers as he watched the bathroom door close behind Barty, eyelids heavy.
"Black where were you tonight?" And of course, he couldn't get a break. Regulus lifted an eyebrow at Evan, saying nothing. "Come on, Black, even that scary cousin of yours came to ask."
"She's not that scary."
"Mate, you should have seen how much Barty was shaking after she left interrogating us." Evan laughed, "But seriously, where were you?"
"Just walking the castle." Which was the truth, he supposed. Especially today.
"Why?" Regulus could feel Evan's curiosity, "Was that really more interesting than practicing with some Hufflepuff's."
Regulus scoffed, "That's an interesting way to word it, Rosier." He turned over in his bed to face Evan directly, "And besides, I've already told you both. I don't care to waste my time and skills on stupid mudbloods."
"Oh really? And walking in the halls is any better?"
"Yes actually." Regulus retorted, "If I told you there was a secret passageway somewhere on the fourth floor, would you know where to find it?"
That had silenced Evans, thankfully, who put his hands up in defeat. "Fine, fine. But just know Snape and Mulciber think you're a wuss now and are telling anyone who listens why."
Regulus rolled his eyes and leaned back into his pillow, "Merlin, you'd think they would have bigger things to do than pick on first years. Especially the half-blood thinking he can do that to me, the son of the sacred 28."
Evan let out a laugh, "Your cousin actually told the git off today, exactly like that. You should have seen his face." Regulus grinned, wishing he could have been there to witness Narcissa and Snape's interaction. "But, seriously, mate, try to be there tomorrow to not give them another excuse to hound you."
Regulus waved him off, but knew his friend was right.
And just then, the door of the bathroom slammed open as Barty Crouch Jr. and his ball of words and excitement surrounded the rom, "Reg you cannot believe what we did today. So you know the Carrow siblings, yeah? Well, they brought us to this one place next to the Hufflepuff Common Room - apparently they have bathrooms right outside the dorm somehow - and boom! At least five of those muggles had to go see Pomfrey. And guess what, Reg! I actually did it. I did the Carpe Retractum Spell ! Carrow said I had great potential!"
"That's great Barty." Regulus sighed, knowing the Carrows meant no such thing, but enjoyed having first years do anything at their calling.
"Come on Reg, just a 'that's great?'" Barty peered at him from the boy's own bed. "Anyway, what were you doing tonight. That witch of your cousin came to us today."
"Barty, she is a witch."
"I know, picked it up from a mudblood yesterday." Barty said, immediately gasping, "That Gryffindor is going to regret saying that near me. Merlin, mates, don't tell anyone I copied a muggle."
"Wouldn't dare to," Regulus said sleepily, fading in and out of the conversation. "Good night, Barty. Good night, Evan."
"Night." Evan shut his curtains around him.
"Don't forget to wake up early tomorrow for Potions, guys!" And Barty closed his too.
Darkness surrounded Regulus as he escaped to the world that he dreamed of forever remaining in.