Better Than Revenge

Remus has never been especially revealing.

It’s never been necessary to show someone he cares. To prove himself influenced by their being; whether it be the intense fiery embers of growing love or wispy punches from a thunderstorm of dislike. An exhibition to seek a signal of approval or simply recognition.

So, when it came about that Lily, Alice, and Frank began pairing off as if the summer air of 85’ brought upon the human mating season, and Remus was often left in the company of Kenneth, his friends began questioning Remus’ past relationships and overall emotional ties.

“I’ve never even seen you angered,” Alice recalled with wide eyes. “Do you get angry?” her eyebrow raised in astonishment.

Remus couldn’t help but roll his eyes from his spot on Lily’s bed where the owner herself looked up, attention caught, from an open novel perched on crossed legs.

Yet, he couldn’t blame her intense curiosity because, although Remus found himself internally refuting it, the desire to express and be comprehended so clearly is inherent in any person with any subtle connection to their inner mechanics. And, despite his ability to understand the naturalness of this occurrence, he still labeled it as a personal phenomenon.

But it wasn’t until the development of his friends' relationships that Remus had found himself particularly concerned with others conjuring those magnificent and incurably innate emotions because, eventually, the future of the innative is bound to become.

Logically, Remus concluded that the problem is himself. A miscalculation, an error, a work-in-progress, all likely, but most preferably and realistically; the latter. All this meant was that Remus was unusual, regardless of the synonyms he’d like to use as labels to tear away from the fact that simply one word would do when he felt as though a million were necessary.

“Might’ve gotten him with that one,” Frank deadpanned without turning from his view on the television. Upon mentally revising her statement, Alice’s face slightly pinched up in regret.

“Have you ever thought that perhaps Remus is simply being himself?” Kenneth retorted with an exasperated sigh. He leaned back slowly on the two hind legs of the wooden chair at the front of the room, “Not everyone has to have a major meltdown every weekend.”

“I do not,” Alice’s empathetic eyes, once geared towards Remus, shrank sharply at the remark.

“You do,” Lily added, “That’s the stupidest question you’ve ever asked. Besides, if Remus doesn’t find himself easily moved to tears through any minor inconvenience, it doesn’t mean he’s abnormal. If anything, you ought to get yourself checked for bipo–”

“You’re one to talk,” Alice muttered, head slightly turned away. “Stringing Potter along for a five-year-long chase and suddenly changing your mind the next day.”

Frank turned his neck awkwardly to scan the conversation and Kenneth’s leaning position went slack as the legs of the chair met the floor with a thud.

That summer, there was an unspoken rule that everyone who noticed the development of Lily and James’ relationship would hold their tongue. Mentioning the matter might shame Lily, who once found James annoying, into keeping secrets. Remus argued mentally that she’d experience anything other than embarrassment, but perhaps she was put off by the idea of speaking a relationship into existence when she was unsure herself.

Alice paused to view Lily’s stiff figure and smiled slyly, “What a poor confused man, I know I’d be.” At times, Remus thought, unspoken rules needed to be mentioned.

Lily's figure, languidly hunched one moment, immediately straightened. Her novel closed with a soft thump and a red hue bloomed on the apples of her cheeks, but her expression remained calm.

How must that crimson paint feel? Although Potter had been visiting the small town for five summers now, it hadn’t been until recently that Lily often wore that expression, a stain of pink that, contrary to the usual embarrassment which accompanied it, was met with a stoic face. Lily wasn’t shameful.

“What?” Alice called out, “It’s about time we address the elephant in the room.”

“The elephant is nonexistent,” Lily argued.

“Lily,” Alice slapped a hand to her forehead, “the wall you’re putting up is as transparent as glass.”

“An entire window,” Frank added, “you might as well open it.”

“I don’t think she bothered to put up any drapes,” Kenneth said with humor, a small smile blooming on his lips. Alice and Frank signaled their approval with similar grins.

“Hell, I don’t think she even closed it in the first place,” Remus completed. Kenneth snickered quietly, a hand placed above his lips to muffle the sound, cautious of Lily’s reaction.

Contrary to her crinkled eyes, apparent dimples, and a slightly frowning smile; Lily pinched Remus’ thigh softly. “I wasn’t attempting to hide anything. What about it?”

“You’ve got it wrong. We’re stating, not asking.” Remus found himself grinning.

“Exactly,” Alice said with high-pitched enthusiasm, “we already know so just confirm it.”

“I doubt there’s any use of confirmation if you all know,” her hands signaled in air quotes. Her eyes dropped to face the hardcover book in her lap as her fingers idly traced the border, “Yes, I like him… a lot.”

Alice seemed as though she could squeal loud enough to alert a fifty-mile radius of inhabitants, but she kept quiet in earnest resolution, hands held in tight fists to her side. The three boys, on the other hand, were in equal puzzlement. Lily had rarely been so visibly vulnerable in front of any person and, without a doubt, it meant that James meant a great deal.

Kenneth leaned back once again and asked, “When’s the wedding?” Lily smiled softly, gracious to his teasing.

“You’re pregnant?!” Frank practically roared. A book, which Alice noticed was thrown from Remus’ direction particularly, hit his head roughly.

-

During the first few weeks of summer break, finally outside the grasp of his eleventh year, Remus found himself spending far more time with close friends in the countryside. Within the first week, Remus had strolled among fields of green with Lily, Alice, Frank, Kenneth, and a spare James Potter.

Remus was often left in the company of Kenneth over the increase in Lily and James’ dates, not that she admitted to them. Kenneth was charismatic. He knew about the classic literature Remus found guilty pleasure in, the fictional novels Remus collected in religious abundance, and the underground rock bands that swayed away from famous artists. And, so, Remus couldn’t complain in the least.

This was especially true when Remus began to grow accustomed to broad smiles and pearly green eyes filled with happiness, whether they were passing time in a lousy grocery store or the trendy record shop.

This weekend too, Remus went into town with Kenneth. On a search for comics, in a small bookstore that no one believed had enough customers to remain open, they explored for hours. With nothing in hand, they departed, bicycling in each other's company as the sun completely set and pitch black darkness filled the sky.

The trees lining the road brushed against each other from the nighttime breeze. A soft hush escaped their invisible touches while the stars in the sky grew visible. Halting at a divisive road they separated with a simple wave goodbye. Remus glanced back as Kenneth’s figure disappeared into the distance, his form decreasing further and further until it blended into the inky landscape.

Continuing, one pitch black street after the other, Remus’ anxiety grew abundant. A sleek black car, rarely found or owned in the country, trailed closely behind his bike. If it wasn’t for the lonesome roads, Remus wouldn’t have questioned anything.

Except it’s 11 PM and I’ve read about Jeffrey Dahmer, thought Remus. He made a sharp turn down a long street, not taking any chances in a desolate town.

As content as he was to see a black street once again, a bright light shone on him from behind and he glanced back to spot the same car’s headlights. Drums could be heard far in the distance, except they were far closer than imagined, vibrating from within him as they thumped hard on his chest. Recalling the true crime documentary from a few nights back, Remus remembered to identify and quickly snapped his head back to look beyond the windshield’s deep tint where a blurry man, with long black hair, continued driving.

Don’t panic, Remus thought to himself. His hands grew clammy on the bike’s handles as he pedaled faster. Behind him, the car copied his speed.

Remus signaled for the vehicle to pass, but no instruction was followed.

He slowed down to let the vehicle pass, but his actions were ignored.

You’ve got to be joking, Remus found himself becoming more angry than scared. The least the antagonizing man could do was get this over with quickly, run him over if needed.

He stopped completely on the shoulder to let the vehicle pass, but the car lagged behind.

How dense could someone be? Remus’ pulsing heartbeat diminished almost entirely.

The car drove up slightly until the driver’s window aligned with Remus.

“Pass you dumb fuck!” Remus yelled. The driver simply looked up, his eyebrows shifting to somewhat resemble confusion, but without any interior lights, Remus couldn’t be sure.

The window rolled down slowly, and the man’s appearance grew clearer.

The arched eyebrows remained confused, “Are you talking to me?”

Remus rolled his eyes, “No, the person behind you.” The man quirked a single eyebrow and looked behind his car to see plain darkness. If there wasn’t an ounce of humility left in Remus he would’ve pounced inside the driver’s window, “No shit I’m talking to you.”

“Oh,” the man laughed, a glimmer of shine from the night sky reflected in his gray eyes, “Some people don’t use their headlights, so who’s to say there wasn’t a car behind me?”

“The last ten miles been filled with many cars?”

“Well, no –”

“There’s your answer.”

“Are you always this snippy?” the stranger asked, his smile shrank into a frown.

“You’ve been following me for five minutes and ignoring every chance I gave you to pass me, so forgive me for considering you a murderer.”

“Dramatic much? I just needed a bit of help.”

“Oh gee, I’m sorry!” Remus feigned a bright smile, creasing his eyes, and dramatically lightened his tone. “What can I help you with?”

The man, now clearly annoyed, huffed and tucked long strands of black hair away from his face. He turned to grab a large map booklet from the passenger seat, “I need –”

Remus began pedaling away and eventually lost the man several streets away.

-

The following afternoon, the house phone downstairs rang with sharp echoes that reverberated against the pasty walls. Remus could hear it from outside, where he was tending to his mother’s garden.

“Remus,” his mother called from behind the sheer door screen, “Lily!”

Remus shot up from a potted plant near the entrance, dusting the blotted dirt from his gloves on his jean shorts, and opened the door to grab the phone out of his mother’s offering hand. She gave a small glance back and retreated further into the house.

“Lily?”

A soft voice sprang out of the speaker and quickly informed Remus, “James’ friend just arrived out of nowhere, so everyone's headed to the open field near Alice’s for a picnic. Come, alright?”

Aside from being shocked that people voluntarily decided to befriend Potter, Remus was far more concerned to hear Lily’s agitation. “Right now? Lily, it’s nearly seven in the afternoon, it’ll be sunset soon. Not to mention, I’m still helping my mom garden.”

“I’ll happily owe you a favor,” she said with a deep sigh, “Listen, it’s their first day, we should make a good impression…”

“Impression? Unless you invited Raymond Carver himself, they can wait a few hours until morn–”

“Remus!” she interrupted in a hushed form of yelling, “I’m a splinter away from sticking a knife in everyone’s throat in mere milliseconds.” Remus stayed completely silent, the calls to everyone else surely occurred similarly. Lily cleared her throat on the other end and talked louder this time, “Right, be careful on your way. See you soon.”

Remus looked down at the handphone in his grip, wishing it was Lily’s face so he could promptly curse her out.

To hell with the picnic, Remus would simply not go.

-

After receiving permission from his parents, still dressed in dirt-ridden shorts and a sweaty black tee shirt, Remus navigated through many desolate dirt roads filled with pastures of land and paint-fading streets on his thin black bike. The sun had already begun to sink beneath tall trees and grasses that lined either side of the main road. Alice’s house, a large suburban victorian homestead, acted as a marker and guided him through the darkening road ahead.

In the distance, Remus could see scattered silhouettes come into view behind a large oak tree. Far into the field lay a large white sheet with a mass of shade, muting the harsh heat into soft rays of sunshine. Near the road’s shoulder, Remus lazily dropped his bike sideways onto the cushion of thick grass and weeds. A creak in the metal sprang out from the fall.

Alice, dressed in thick cotton overalls that made Remus itch internally, met him halfway with a small grin on her face.

“Is everyone here?” Remus asked. Alice gave a quick nod in response. “Damn,” he stilled in place, looking back towards his bike. After an uncertain pause, he continued walking along with her, “How is everything?”

“Well, Lily has managed to not murder anyone,” she giggled.

“Yet,” Remus finished her thought.

“Exactly, so it’s going good, but boy do I pity you,” she looked towards the group with nervous eyes. Remus glanced at her, huffing out a laugh.

“Don’t say that, I’m trying my best not to turn around and leave. I hate being last,” he smiled.

“I’m here,” she tried to assure him, “though that won’t aid any awkwardness,” she determined with a laugh. Pulling him down to meet her level, she hung an arm around his shoulder. Seemingly remembering something of urgency, she swiftly turned her head to whisper near Remus’ ear “He’s real handsome, James’ friend.”

“Is he?”

“Stunning, that man. It’s as though he jumped straight out of a Seventeen magazine!”

Remus widened his eyes, and exclaimed “My god!”

Despite her laugh, Alice let go of her hold on him, and lightly punched him in the shoulder. Reaching the thin white blanket, a fragrance of sweetness - soft vanilla, sour citrus, and sugary fruit - filled the air. At the center of the group was an array of pastries that Lily surely spent the last few hours meticulously baking and organizing.

Alice reclaimed her spot next to Frank who was knee-deep in a conversation with Kenneth about a recently released superman comic, both of which recognized him with a knowing smile and wave. Kenneth’s gaze continuously flickered back and forth between Remus, in hesitated worry, and Frank, in amusement. Parallel to them sat Lily, James, and James’ friend - their backs against the tree trunk. Looking sideways, Lily noticed Remus.

“Remus,” Lily called out with a thin smile. The other two heads turned to meet his gaze. James’ friend, much to Remus’ surprise, did fit Alice’s description. He looked older than James, though that illusion may have been due to his build, high cheekbones, and dark deep-set eyes - a stark contrast to James. He looked familiar, though that too may have been because of the trending commercial features promoted in popular media.

“Here,” she called out, patting a spot next to her. Remus sat beside her, turning his body slightly to communicate with the others.

“Hey, Remus,” James, followed by his friend, angled his position to face Remus, “This is my friend, Sirius. Sirius, this is Lily’s friend Remus.”

“Ah,” Sirius shifted forward, his eyes widening. From a closer distance, his dark eye circles became noticeable in the golden tinges of sunlight creeping through thin branches. Their purple tone further emphasized the seriousness instilled in his eyes. “You’re the dramatic boy from yesterday, no?” he grinned. Remus’ smile dropped slowly in realization.

“You’ve met?” Lily and James asked in unison.

“Dramatic?” Alice questioned. To Remus’ side, Kenneth and Frank simply stared at the strange interaction.

Remus violently shook his head, forcing a relaxed grin on his face. “No, I think you’ve got me confused with someone else.”

“I don’t think so, there aren’t many people around here. Not enough to confuse you with.”

“You wouldn’t know if you did confuse me with someone else because you’re taking your confusion as fact,” Remus said with an air of knowledge. Recalling last night’s events in anger, he continued, “and there’s a lot of white boys around here.” Alice wheezed from the sidelines, quickly slamming a hand against her mouth when Remus sent her a mild glare. Lily, too, found it hard to stop the smile creeping up even with her confusion.

Sirius huffed out an exasperated laugh of disbelief, “What sort of philosophical shit is that?” His expression grew serious, eyebrows pinched, and shook his head as if attempting to understand, “I was only asking for directions and got lost for hours.”

Everyone looked toward Remus in astonishment, waiting for a logical response.

“Ok,” Remus addressed them with a small puff, “It’s the 80’s, he could’ve been a serial killer.” Recounting that, it was understandable that he had been labeled as dramatic.

“You screamed at me,” Sirius accused and was visibly offended. The group’s shock grew at a rate constant to jaws dropping and eyes enlarging.

“And I don’t regret it,” Remus cut him off, all feigned friendliness dropping, and a small shrug settling on his shoulders, “I don’t know what you want me to say, maybe you shouldn’t be driving if you don’t know how to communicate on the road.”

“Woah-woah, timeout,” James held his hands up in the air, palms open, and interrupted Sirius’ deep inhale – a sign he was ready to obliterate an argument. “Is this a comic sketch or something?” James asked with an eyebrow curled up. In a second, any indication of confusion faded from his face and he subsequently turned to face Sirius with a huge grin, “because this is hilarious, I knew you’d be good friends.” Remus should’ve expected it, this was James Potter in front of him, the same man that pushed himself into Lily’s circle, oblivious to her urges to strangle him.

“You’ve got to be fuc–”

“Right,” Lily laughed nervously, covering Remus’ mouth with two hands, “there’s enough of that.” She pointedly glanced towards the foods that decorated the white sheet below them before removing her palms. Remus kept hushed for Lily’s sake, remembering her genuine intentions with the picnic. Her anxieties lay in front of him, in the form of hard work she processed into baked goods.

“Are you an idiot, James Potter?” Sirius continued with a gruff whine, “I haven’t slept at all today solely because of him.”

Remus considered opening his mouth to retaliate, but dejectedly decided against it, instead taking a bite out of a clumsy blueberry muffin that tasted unusually salty and bitter. His eyes squinted, mouth frowning in disgust, while the conversation surrounding him faded to the back of his mind. Lily must’ve been in an immediate rush, but she couldn’t have been blind enough to add ingredients that most definitely were not included in the recipes.

“That is entirely your fault, learn how to read a map,” James laughed. “Besides, don’t call me an idiot,” he playfully shoved Sirius' shoulder, attempting to calm down his agitation. Luckily, Sirius was an easy man to sway, particularly in the company of James.

Remus leaned down to whisper in Alice’s ear, holding the muffin in his hand, “Have you tasted these?”

“No, are they good?” She didn’t wait for a response and grabbed one in her hand, “I will say, they look fairly odd.” She took a bite, immediately stopped chewing, and swallowed loudly. They shared a look of understanding and Remus swooped the small basket from the middle of the layout into his lap.

“Remus, you can’t hog the muffins!” Lily whispered loudly. He grabbed one and pressed it to her mouth, forcing her to taste it. She slowly cleared her throat and looked away.

“They’re his favorites,” Lily laughed mildly, addressing James and Sirius, while her friends stuffed their faces with long pauses between each bite.

“Pass me one,” Sirius told Remus.

“Sure, a solid white line between lanes of traffic means that you should?”

“What?”

“Wrong! It means you should stay in your lane. Stay in your lane!”

“Remus also loves the clementine jam scones,” Lily added in hopes of persuading Sirius away from the muffins. James immediately grabbed one.

“Do you grow them here, the clementines?” Sirius asked, biting into one with curiosity.

“No,” she laughed, “the weather isn’t compatible enough for them to mature.”

-

Remus was beginning to feel sick. For the last fifteen minutes, his stomach twisted in pain. Alice, too, couldn’t handle another muffin after eating the first two. Frank’s face was beginning to turn pale, and Remus wasn’t sure whether he was imagining things, but his shoulders rose and fell as though he were dry heaving in silence. From the looks of it, Kenneth agreed, as he rubbed his hand up and down Frank’s back.

“Alright,” Remus concluded after seeing his friend’s conditions, “I ought to go.”

“Already?” Lily asked.

“It’s dark outside and I told my parents I wouldn’t be gone long. Mind if I take the rest of these?” he asked, gesturing towards the leftover muffin pastries no one could continue to ingest.

“Take them,” Lily shrugged. “I think everyone’s going to start heading out soon either way.”

“Well maybe not right after him,” Sirius spoke up, “or else we’ll give Remus a heart attack, thinking we’re after him and all.”

“That’s very considerate of you,” Remus smiled and turned away, “You do that.” Behind him, Remus could feel Sirius rolling his eyes in annoyance.

“Thanks, Lily!” he said from a distance away and waved at everyone.

As soon as he reached home, Remus threw the entire basket into the garbage.