He didn’t know what to do. Anger and hurt filled his body from the soles of his feet to the tips of his fingers. Why was he even feeling like this? What was so special about her, about this one girl? Maybe it was just the booze? It was only midnight but the Gryffindor party had been going for hours. In those hours Sirius had downed many beers, almost a whole bottle of firewhiskey and he regretted all of it.
He was just supposed to go to the party, drink a beer or two, dance and maybe make out with some tall Hufflepuff girl if he was lucky. That plan had changed the second he saw her sitting on the sofa, tightly pressed up against some guy, clearly flirting with him.
Marlene McKinnon is the most annoying girl he ever met. Ever since they were children in their first year she had been a clingy, know-it-all that would never leave him and James alone for two seconds. Nowadays she had learned to take a hint and had made other friends but she still hung around sometimes just to be difficult. Sirius knew how bitchy, vain and big-headed she was but the worst thing about her was that she was the one girl in the entire school that he was not allowed to fall for. She was James childhood friend, they had grown up together and were almost as close as siblings. In their fourth year at Hogwarts when James had noticed all the looks and glances, all the little smiles and the jokes so often exchanged between Sirius and Marlene he had put a stop to it very quickly. James made Sirius promise to never go after her. As far as he knew Sirius was even allowed to flirt with Lily, James self proclaimed soulmate if he really wanted to. Just not Marlene.
Now, two years later Sirius thought he had let his feelings for Marlene go. He had even had a few girlfriends. Or maybe you shouldn’t call them girlfriends, they were more like hookups but he had been sure that he was over Marlene. Her blond curls, soft blue eyes and world shaking smile stopped haunting his mind and dreams up until a couple of weeks ago when he saw her kissing a seventh year Slytherin bloke after quidditch practice. That's when this burning fire of jealousy had lit in the pit of his stomach.
A fire that was roaring up and filling him with thick dark smoke. He was unable to think or to feel anything other than the rage and sadness of not being with her.
Standing in the corner of the common room looking out over the crowd of drunk, dancing people he could barely support himself on his shaky, drunken legs. All he could do was watch her. Marlene swayed to the soft music in a tight embrace with the same guy she was flirting with on the couch. She was smiling and looking genuinely happy. That's when he could feel the burning of eyes on him. Looking around he could see James, pushing people out the way with a sour look on his face. He seems to be heading for Sirius corner.
Sirius just wanted to melt into the wall. James must have noticed the way he looked at Marlene and was drunk enough to start scolding him for it. Sirius looked back over the dance floor, pretending he didn’t notice James tackling his way over. But this time something was missing. Or rather someone, he could no longer see Marlene. He quickly looked around and spotted her slipping out of the common room closely followed by the guy. The fire in Sirius sparked up even more and he didn’t know what else to do than to follow them. Pressing himself against the wall he managed to slide out, stumbling and tripping on his own feet. When the portrait of The Fat Lady closed behind him he felt like throwing up. Why was he following them? Where did they go? What was he even planning to say if he found them? That he loved her? No, definitely not that.
”Where did they go?” he sputtered out at the large painting covering the door to Gryffindor tower.
”Where did who go, darling?”
”The hot blond and…” he hiccuped ” and the guy with the small prick” The door opened and narrowly avoided hitting Sirius in the face. It was James' red face that poked out from the opening.
”What you doin’ out here mate?” He asked.
”Nottin” Was all Sirius thought to answer.
”Well can’t you come back in again then?” James did not seem patient in his drunken state.
”No… I have to run an errand”
”An errand” He questioned ”What errand?”
”I don’t know what you’re talking about” Sirius turned away from his friend and started staggering down the stairs towards the rest of the school.
”Hey where are you going now?” James gave his friend a quizzing look.
”He's looking for his love” The shrill voice of The Fat Lady shrieked from the wall.
”Love? What is she talking about?” James was tired, drunk and did not understand what was going on.
”Who cares what she is talking about she’s a bitch” Sirius almost tripped down the stairs, only staying up right with help from the rail. His long black hair was covering his face partly because it always did that and partly so that James couldn’t see his face. Sirius assumes he had ”In love with Marlene McKinnon'' written all over it.
”Boys these days, so rude” The painting snuffed.
”Come on Sirius, you’re drunk lets go back to the party”
”Noo i can’t” Sirius whined.
”Why are you being like this? Let’s just go to bed then”
”Yes! You do that, I’ll stay here” Sirius planted himself on the bottom of the staircase and crossed his arms in defiance.
”You’re behaving like a child” James started walking down the stairs towards Sirius. He had now buried his face in his hands, not being able to even look at his friend. ”This can’t only be drunk you acting out, come on what is this really about?” He sat down next to the sorry shadow of Sirius Black. ”This isn’t like you”
”I can’t tell you”
”Why? What happened?” James was getting worried, he rarely saw his friend like this. ”Is it about your parents? Did they write to you?”
”No it’s not that” Sirius sighed ”I almost wish it was that…”
”That bad huh?” Sirius nodded. There was a moment of silence, then another. Sirius took a second to contemplate what to do before the impulsive, drunken part of his brain took over.
”I'm in love with her” He looked up at James with a pained expression.
”In love with who?” James spit out before the information settled in his mind and he finally understood. ”Oooh no, please no”
”Come on, I'm a wreck! I don’t know what to do”
”Nothing, you do nothing” James had not expected this. Now it was his turn to put his face in his hand. Almost trying to rub the information from his brain.
”How can I do nothing? Im in pain, my soul is burning” Why was he saying this? Of course James was his friend, his best friend. And they could talk about anything, or maybe James could talk about anything. Sometimes it seemed like he never stopped talking. About what he thought about the teachers, the results of the last quidditch match or about his feelings about Lily. Sirius however, was not as liberal with his feelings.
”Well I’ll tell her. I’ll tell Marlene to back off”
”Back off what, she’s not doing anything wrong. I just… I have to tell her. It will be so much easier to get over her after she rejects me, I just can't hold it in anymore. Every time I see her with other guys I just get so angry and I can barely control myself”
”But why? Why her? I mean I love her, she’s like a sister to me but you can get almost any girl, in any house, I just ask you to stay away from one and you just have to fall for her?” James was starting to get angry. It wasn’t much to ask of Sirius. It’s just one girl, one very plain girl for that. Marlene was pretty and funny but it’s not like she was a Lily type. At least James didn’t think she was.
”I don’t know man, it’s all in the small things. Like the way her smile reaches her eyes or how she chews on her lip when she thinks the way she walks like she doesn't have a care in the world. Look it’s not like it's my choice” Sirius looked at his feet, not wanting to meet James' eye.
”Don’t you think you’re being a bit selfish?”
”Selfish? Why?” He didn't understand.
”Yes, I ask one thing of you. One thing! To not fall for Marlene McKinnon and you just have to go and do just that”
”I told you it wasn’t I didn’t choose to fall for her alright and if anyones selfish it’s you” How could James call him selfish? Sirius had been trying to follow James' wishes for so long. Couldn’t James see what it was doing to him?
”Me? How am I selfish!?”
”You are limiting my chances at happiness for you own stupid reasons! What if Marlene is my Lily? What if we are just meant to be together but nothing ever happens because you, James Potter didn’t want it to. Why don’t you want your best friend to have a shot at finding love?!” Sirius was yelling now. The sound of his voice echoed down the stairway.
”If anything I’m the opposite of selfish, I’m just worried about what might happen if it doesn't turn out to be true love. Trust me, I know both of you better than anyone and it won’t end well” James answered even louder.
”I promise you don’t have to spend so much fucking time worrying about me. I'm a grown man, I can take care of myself!”
”It's not you I worry about! It’s her”
”Why?”
”Well you don’t really have the best track record when it comes to ending it in a great way. How many times have you been hexed by girls you dumped? Five? Six maybe? It’s not like you can move on and remain friends!” James stood up. He was too upset to sit. Why couldn’t Sirius just understand that he didn’t mean any harm by this.
”Well why can’t she decide that, she can take responsibility for herself just as I can. You just have to let me try. If she turned me down that will be completely fine but that’s her choice not yours!” Sirius also stood up. Almost as tall as James but missing just an inch or two.
”That’s right” A voice from the top of the stairs reached the boys in the middle of the screaming match. They both turned to see who had spoken and of course it was no one other than Marlene McKinnon standing there with her arms crossed and a sour expression.
”How long have you been standing there?” Sirius asked, now starting to panic at the thought of what she might have heard.
”Longer than you’d like.” She met his eyes with her blue gaze. He thought she might be angry but all he found in that gaze was a sea of calm. She looked over at James instead ” And what the fuck is it am hearing? What have you done?
”I was just trying to…” James looked more sad than anything now. His plan had backfired and was just about to blow up in his face.
”Oh shove off, I’ve heard enough of your bullshit! You knew I liked him and you fucking told him to stay away?! What kind of friend are you?” She liked him? Did she really say that? Sirius felt the flutter of wings in his stomach. Gone was the fire, the burning hole of forbidden love. Now all he could feel was the happiness and excitement of the possibility that his feelings might be reciprocated.
”Come on, I was just…” James looked hopelessly between his two friends.
”You don’t dictate our lives James, what if I forced you to stop pursuing Lily? Even though she clearly don’t like you we still let you embarrass yourself time after time by hitting on her. Now bugger off, we’ll talk about this later” James didn’t know what else to do. He was starting to see how misguided he had been in trying to help. He slowly sauntered up the stairs, moving past Marlene.
”Sorry” Was the last thing he said before the portrait closed behind him, leaving Sirius and Marlene alone.
”I haven’t had a show like this in years!” The Fat Lady sounded from the wall with a small laugh. But they didn’t mind. They simply looked at each other, not knowing who was going to speak first. Marlene's face split into a beaming smile. Seeing that, Sirius couldn’t help but smile back. A fluttering laughter started to sound from the both of them. Like morons they stod, laughing at everything and nothing. Both now knowing and accepting that from this point on anything was possible. The uncertainty of this future is just as exciting and intriguing for them both.