Chapter 1
Sirius heard screaming as soon as he entered the house through his window. He had been out, hiding from his family and himself. He hated how immature and stupid he’d been. Remus was so good and kind and he lost him over stupid revenge. And worse it wasn’t until after that he realized how fucking stupid it had been.
The betrayal in Remus’ eyes when he found out the next morning shattered Sirius’ soul and haunted his dreams.
Sirius expected yelling and fury and hexes but what he received was worse.
Remus looked disappointed and then he looked empty, as if he was done with the world. It was like a light had snuffed out and it was all Sirius’ fault and he wished he had a time turner. Just so he could go and change everything.
For the last few weeks of term, Sirius had to put a silencing charm on his bed so he wouldn’t wake everyone with his nightmares. He’d forgotten he didn’t only get them at home, but he usually slept next to James for the first few years and then Remus when they got together.
Maybe they were all better off without him. Sirius wouldn’t be surprised. Regulus was safer now that he didn’t speak to Sirius, he hardly ever got beaten. Maybe Sirius was the one who made everything bad. Maybe if he had a time turned he wouldn’t just stop the prank, maybe he’d stop the Marauders from every meeting him in the first place.
He flinched back and turned to leave back the way he came, but, unfortunately, luck wasn’t in his favor.
“Sirius Orion Black!” Sirius’ mother, Walburger, screeched at him in her shrill voice as she launched herself into his room. Sirius’ eyes darted to the ledge just outside his window, debating whether a few broken bones would be better than the punishment he would receive if he stayed.
It wasn’t even a competition, the broken bones won by miles.
As if sensing his decision to launch himself out the window, Walburga shot Sirius with a body bind curse, and dragged him through the house into the receiving room by his hair. It hurt like hell, but Sirius was used to this. He was used to pain, it was his oldest friend. A reminder he was alive.
Pain used to be a relief. If Sirius felt pain it meant he was still alive. And if he was still alive he still had a shot at protecting Regulus. But recently pain had become a reminder of everything he lost to his family. Even Regulus didn’t speak to him now, he barely looked his way, and when he did, it was with a scowl of disdain.
Sirius didn’t mind all that much, at least that’s what he told himself, as long as Regulus wasn’t getting a beating he could hate Sirius with his whole heart. Sirius would still love him.
Pain splintered across his head as it was smashed to the ground. A small groan escaped Sirius’ lips, but it was drowned out by the noise of Walburga.
She leant down so her face was right in front of Sirius’, “You are a disappointment to this family. A fucking leech on this family, I should have killed you years ago!” Spit flew from her mouth and sprayed over Sirius’ face. Her hand flew out and struck Sirius’ cheek. He knew there would be an angry handprint there but it would fade.
Walburga pulled out a stack of letters from behind her back and Sirius tensed, trying to remember if he had used any of his muggleborn and halfblooded friends names or had remembered to use nicknames.
“You are rutting around with a mudblood! And a boy at that! You have sullied the family name! You worthless, stupid piece of shit! Do you think he wants you? He just wants you for your name! Watch as he leaves you! You aren’t a black anymore!” Walburga was seething, red blotches covered her neck and face, a sure sign what was going to come next wouldn’t be fun.
Sirius watched as Walburga turned and burnt his name from the family tree plastered to the walls. Fire scorched up his spine as if his bones were burning along with his name. Sirius whimpered, in his opinion, pathetically on the floor unable to move.
“You are a worthless nobody Sirius who will amount to nothing. Nobody will love you. Nobody will care when they find out you died in a tragic accident.” She said in a way that send chills running up his spine. Sirius nonverbally released himself from the body bind ready to run to the fire if things went as bad as he thought they were going. “But first payback for the pain in my side that you have been since you tarnished the world with your presence. Crucio!”
His skin was on fire, screams ripped his throat from the inside, his bones broke over and over trying to escape from the pain but it was coming from everywhere, there was no escape. Old scars opened on his back, pouring blood down his skin. Everything hurt. Death would be a relief.
Moony hated him, Peter was disgusted by him. James could barely look at him. Maybe Walburga was right. Maybe he wouldn’t be missed. Maybe he should just let himself die.
No! Hissed a voice somewhere in his soul. Not yet!
A burst of adrenaline hit him as Walburga took a rest from Crucio and Sirius took his opportunity and launched himself into the fire place muttering a barely coherent Potter Residence. James hated him but he wouldn’t let him die. And once he was patched up he could leave. Leave James, leave Hogwarts, leave the Uk.
He would leave and he would run. He would survive. It’s what Sirius did.