balancing act

December 24

Everyone that the Potter’s have ever known was invited to their annual Christmas party. This year it just so happened to take place on Christmas Eve. 

When Regulus wandered into the kitchen around noon, Sirius immediately put his eyes down, focusing intently on his bowl of cereal. 

Regulus scoffed. Sirius did not get to be weird about overhearing their fight, not after Regulus has heard him argue with Remus a billion times just this week. 

“So,” Sirius said, trailing off slightly. 

“So?”

“Everything good?”

Regulus turned back around after pouring himself a cup of coffee, giving Sirius a weird look. “What?”

“I think the whole neighborhood heard you two arguing last night.”

Regulus shrugged. “It wasn’t really an argument,” he said, because it wasn’t. They’ve had arguments before, ones where they both have a side and a point that they want to defend. Last night though was more of a… Well it was Regulus being pissed off and James apologizing. And now they’re fine. 

“Oh,” Sirius said, eyes going back down to his bowl. 

Regulus rolled his eyes. “He’s fine.”

“What?”

“James is fine.”

Sirius blinked at him, like he couldn’t quite understand why Regulus was saying this. It just felt like he had to… prove it. Prove that he wasn’t trying to push James away or try to hurt him, because he wasn’t. That’s not what he was doing. 

“Okay?”

Regulus sat down suddenly. James was in the shower, so it wasn’t like he was going to overhear their conversation. 

“He is fine, right?”

Sirius put his spoon down. “What?”

“I- I mean in general. Like before I was staying here. He’s been fine?”

It was hard to get a good read on him when they were just talking on the phone, because James was good at pretending like he was fine. But Sirius was actually here, in person. It was harder to be okay in person. And Regulus worries, okay? James isn’t the only one who is allowed to be protective of the people he loves. Regulus is just more subtle about it. 

“We’ve been making an album, so it’s been busy. But… yeah. He’s been fine. I- I’m confused. Do you guys not talk?”

“We talk. But James just ignores himself a lot.” 

“Oh, yeah. Always has,” Sirius said with a shrug. And that was that. James was fine, so everything was fine. “Also, don’t get too sloppy tonight. You’ll embarrass yourself,” Sirius said, standing up from the table and setting his bowl in the sink. 

And of course Sirius has to put that at the forefront of his mind. Sure, he thinks that the Potter’s like him, but he can never really be sure. And yeah, he gets along great with Monty for now, but what about when they realize that Regulus is wholly insufficient and not good enough for James?

Sirius laughed. “You’re so easy to psych out.”

“I actually actively despise you, did you know?”

“Mhm,” Sirius hummed, disappearing back into his room. 

Regulus took a deep breath. Everything would be fine. Everything was going to be fine. 

———

“We’re late,” Regulus said when he and James pulled up. The street was already lined with cars, and they were way behind schedule. 

“There isn’t really an on time for this sort of thing,” James assured him. 

Still, Regulus did not like the idea of walking in late. The only reason why was because James had to spend almost thirty minutes making his hair the right amount of effortless. Except it wasn’t really effortless if he spent half an hour styling it. 

“You’re nervous?” James asked next, noticing Regulus’ demeanor. 

“No,” Regulus lied. 

James dug around the backseat, pulling out one of the bottles of liquor they brought. “Take a shot.”

Regulus gave him a look. “What?”

“Take a shot,” he said again, unscrewing the top of the bottle. 

“Take a shot,” Regulus repeated. 

“Reg, everyone inside is drunk or well on their way to being drunk, including my parents.”

“Okay, but-”

“Take a shot.”

This got Regulus to smile, and even though he hated shots of hard liquor, he brought the bottle up to his lips and took as much as he could handle. 

“Your turn,” Regulus said, handing it back to James. His throat burned a little, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. James, rather than take a shot, started to put the lid back on. “James?”

“I- I’m not drinking tonight,” he said, and Regulus gave him a funny look because of what he literally just said. 

“Oh?” Regulus asked. James shrugged, clearly trying to get away with not elaborating. He wouldn’t though, especially not after what he pulled yesterday. “James?”

“I don’t want it to get bad again, you know?” 

Regulus knew what he was referring to immediately. Months ago when James was drinking himself to death, essentially after being outed. And Regulus had understood that, because it was a hard thing to deal with. Everybody wanting to give their opinions on something they had no other knowledge about, it was a lot.

“And I don’t know, I feel like I’ve been drinking too much recently.”

“Okay,” Regulus said, his voice a bit quieter than he meant for it to be. He didn’t know that James was still struggling with alcohol, not really. But he supposes he has noticed that James always drinks less than everybody else recently. Regulus can’t remember the last time he actually saw James drunk, and now he knows why. 

“Okay?” James asked, or more like he was checking that Regulus really was okay with it. Not that there was any reason that he wouldn’t be, but James has always had a habit of doing things just to make other people happy. This though? This was something that James was doing for himself, which Regulus considered progress. Good progress, even.

“Yeah. Whatever’s best for you.”

James smiled and nodded. “Okay, cool. Cool. Well then. Ready?”

Regulus wanted to say something else, to ask another question or to really get to the bottom of this, but James was clearly itching to go inside, and he could tell that James didn’t want to have that conversation yet.

“Yeah, I’m ready.”

They walked inside, hand in hand. Regulus was still getting used to doing that around other people, and they weren’t even really in public here. It was James’ parents house, there was no need to hide here. Plus, it was loud enough that nobody would really notice.

Regulus isn’t sure what he was expecting, but a real party wasn’t one of them. It wasn’t like the house was packed, per se, but there were a lot of people floating around. James took Regulus’ coat, seeming to notice that Regulus was busy taking everything in.

“Wow,” Regulus said, because that was the only word he could even think of.

“Yeah,” James said, reappearing at his side. “They go all out.”

“Clearly.”

This was nothing like the holiday parties that Regulus was used to. In the Black house it was all formal wear and stuffy suits. Here it was jeans and a Christmas sweater and a lot of alcohol. Regulus had already decided he wasn’t going to drink that much. He didn’t want James to have to take care of him, and he also didn’t want James to be the only sober one who was annoyed by everyone around him. Which… well that isn’t really like James in the slightest, he loves everyone unconditionally, but if it were Regulus, he would have wanted somebody to keep their head.

They make the rounds, and it makes Regulus very glad for James, who takes point on almost everything. Regulus is severely lacking in his social skills, especially towards James’ family members apparently. He can barely say hi to James’ aunt without wanting to have a panic attack.

James doesn’t make him say much though, thank God. It’s mostly just ‘Hi, aunt Susan. This is my boyfriend Regulus.’ and then they make small talk until quickly turning their attention back to James. 

All in all though, Regulus very much likes being introduced to people as James Potter’s boyfriend, so he isn’t going to complain.

Regulus does finally detach himself from James’ side at one point, going into the kitchen to get some water. Sirius and Remus are in there, talking with their heads hung low like they are the only two people in the room. They aren’t even close to the only one’s there.

Sirius looks up though, locking eyes with Regulus. “Hey! When did you get here?”

Regulus shrugged. “A while ago.”

“James been showing you off?” Remus asked.

“He has, you can tell by Reggie’s blush,” Sirius said, acting like Regulus wasn’t even there. “All the aunt’s pinch your cheeks when you met them?” he asked.

Regulus’ eyes widened, because no, thank God no.

“Mm, they must not like you then.”

“Literally shut up.”

***

James went to find Regulus. He had gotten caught up in a conversation with his uncle about guitars. Which was fun, but James missed Regulus when he wasn’t near, and James also didn’t want to leave him to fend for himself. James trusted almost everybody who was here, but that did not mean that Regulus would, and he could tend to react like a caged animal if he felt trapped.

“Reg,” James said, getting his attention. He was in the corner of the kitchen, drinking out of one of James’ old cups from when he was a kid and watching everyone around him. He tended to do more people watching than actual socializing when they were at things like that.

Regulus visibly softened at the sight of him, something that made James’ stomach drop.

This one. I am going to keep this one.

“Hey,” Regulus breathed out, resting his head against James’ shoulder.

“Everything good?” James checked.

He could feel Regulus nod. “All good.”

James had a sort of radar for being able to tell whether Regulus was lying or not, and this, he could tell, was the truth. “Good. Then we are dancing,” James said, grabbing his open hand to tug on it a little bit.

“Absolutely not,” Regulus said, lifting his head.

“Please?”

And that was maybe a bit unfair of James, he knew that. He knew that Regulus tended to be a bit more pliable when it came to him, especially with the smaller requests like this. So James knew that the look he was giving Regulus was specially crafted to get him to agree, and maybe that was a little bit evil, but James liked the way Regulus looked when he was doing something just because James wanted him to. Like dancing.

Slowly, James grabbed Regulus’ cup and set it down on the counter before reaching for his other hand, gently pulling him along. Regulus didn’t resist, eyes trained on James’ as he maneuvered them into the living room, swaying slightly.

It was a Queen song that was playing, which naturally made everybody want to dance. This coupled with the fact that most everyone was drunk made it easy to slip in unnoticed, which James knew that Regulus would want.

They were only swaying, but they were there together, which was all James had really even wanted.

“Your aunts didn’t pinch my cheeks,” Regulus said suddenly, probably spotting one of them in the crowd.

James tilted his head. “What?”

“I- nevermind,” Regulus said, cheeks now pink. James had noticed Regulus’ lack of alcohol consumption, and he assumed it had something to do with him. He appreciated it, actually. It was nice to not be the only sober one at the function. James has just been scared of becoming dependent, because he was dependent on alcohol for a bit there. He’s surprised he still has his liver after all of it.

James leaned in, gently kissing Regulus’ forehead. Sometimes James had the urge to just kiss Regulus. All of him, from head to toe. Neither of them were patient enough for it, but that’s what James does in his dreams, just worship and kiss and hold.

“Thank you,” James told him quietly.

“What for?”

James didn’t answer at first. He truly meant it for so many things. For being here, for staying, for not drinking, for existing. “Everything.”

Regulus probably blushed more because he hid his head in the crook of James’ neck, holding him tighter. “I love you.”

Butterflies. Every damn time.

———

“Do you need help?” James asked Remus.

Remus was essentially carrying Sirius up the stairs since he could hardly walk by himself. He shook his head. “I’ve got him.”

James smiled, the way he always did when he realized his best friends were in love. James isn’t going to lie and say that he has always known they would end up like this, because when they were just kids, James didn’t know. It just slowly became obvious, like this was exactly what they were supposed to do. If two people were ever meant for each other, it was them.

“Hey,” Peter said, getting James’ attention. “We’re heading back,” he said, gesturing to him and Benjy. Peter’s parents’ house was just down the street, so James wasn’t worried about them being able to get back. They both seemed to be able to walk at least.

James blew him a kiss. “Safe travels, my love.”

Peter pretended to catch it and put it in his pocket. “Anything for you, darling.” As soon as the front door shut behind them, Regulus started laughing. 

“What?”

“Do you just have semi-erotic relationships with all of your friends?”

James grinned at that. “I do, yes. And don’t pretend that you don’t.”

“All of my friends are platonic,” Regulus pointed out.

“I would bet all of my money that you have made out with more of your friends than I have with mine,” James said. He didn’t know for certain, but that felt like a pretty safe bet. Regulus went quiet, and James’ eyes went wide. “Which ones?” James asked, actually needing to know. It wasn’t out of jealousy so much as it was out of curiosity.

“All of them.”

“All of them?”

“Barty, Evan, Dorcas, and Pandora. At least once.”

“Some more than once?” James asked, helplessly amused.

“Well you already know about Barty,” Regulus said, thinking he would be able to take the easy way out. He sighed then, seeing the look on James’ face. “Dorcas was only once because she wanted to know what it was like to kiss a guy.”

“What did she think?” 

“Wasn’t a fan, oddly enough.”

James smiled, laughing a little bit. “And Pandora?” Regulus went quiet again, and now James felt like he needed to know. “You said it was only ever platonic with you two.”

“It was.”

“But?”

“But we used to make out a lot.”

James’ jaw did actually drop. “What?”

“No big thing.”

“I- What?”

“So let’s move on.”

“Reg?”

“It was only ever platonic,” Regulus said, and James nodded, because he believed that. “But… it was during a time where I was trying so hard not to be gay. Like I was in so much denial about it, and Pandora offered to help because there was the possibility that maybe I liked women.”

Oh.

For some reason James never really thought about Regulus struggling with his sexuality. He hasn’t since James has known him, and he has been so unwavering in it the entire time James was going through his insecurities.

“I don’t. I know that now, but yeah. That’s why I’ve made out with Pandora a bunch.”

“I- I didn’t know you felt like that,” James said.

Regulus shrugged. “Everyone does at some point I think. It’s fine.”

“Would you tell me that it was fine?” James asked, because he doesn’t just accept that.

“I didn’t.”

“Exactly.”

“It was years ago now, James. I’m over it.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

Regulus gave him a funny look. “We didn’t even know each other.”

“Still. I mean you were there for me.”

“I had people,” Regulus said. “I was fine.”

And then Regulus stood up, deciding right there that he was done with the conversation. James would probably ask him about it again at some point; he loves learning new things about Regulus, even the harder ones.

“We’re being melancholic, which means it’s time for bed.”

James raised an eyebrow. “Does it?”

“Yes.”

And there really was no arguing with that, not that James really wanted to. He was tired, and he had done his job of making sure everybody got back to where they needed to go safely. There were some people asleep on the couches and in the guest rooms because they lived too far. Dorcas and Marlene were curled up on one couch, and James would have been worried about one of them falling off if it wasn’t for how tight they were holding onto each other. Remus and Sirius were obviously in Sirius’ room, and a couple of James’ parents’ friends were in the last two rooms.

James’ childhood bedroom was still a safe place for him. Most of his stuff was still in there since he hadn’t felt the need to bring it to his flat with him.

“Do you know how lucky you are right now?” James said to Regulus.

Regulus raised an eyebrow. “Hmm?”

“The amount of people who have wished they could sleep in James Potter’s bedroom. They’re all so envious of you right now.”

Regulus threw a pillow at him from the bed. “God, your ego.”

James picked the pillow up off the ground, tossing it back at Regulus who pretended like James had just launched it at him, falling backwards onto the bed dramatically. James climbed into the bed, straddling Regulus and looking down at him. 

“My ego?”

“Yeah. It’s massive.”

James raised an eyebrow. “Oh, is it?” he asked.

“Mhm. Overcompensating much?”

“You know I’m not,” James said with a little tilt of his head, and he liked how much he was able to throw Regulus off with just a couple of words like that.

Regulus started shoving James off, and James collapsed next to him with a laugh. “We are in your childhood bedroom,” Regulus said, taking a tone like he was chastising James. 

“So? Someone’s gotta christen it.”

Regulus turned on his side a little so that he was facing James. “You expect me to believe that this room is pure?” he asked.

James leaned in for a kiss, one that was much shorter than he wanted it to be when Regulus pulled away. “Rude,” James mumbled. “And yes, it is pure, thank you very much.”

Regulus patted the side of his cheek. “Cute, we are going to keep it that way.”

James smiled. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

***

December 25

For Regulus, Christmas morning was never something to look forward to. Walburga and Orion never wanted for their children to believe in things like Santa Claus and Christmas miracles. They used to get gifts, as in real and proper wrapped gifts, but as they got older the gifts became more and more practical all the way until they were getting their new school books for the second term under the tree. The faux tree, even, because Heaven forbid anything be allowed to live in that house.

Regulus wakes up first though, and there’s just a bit of sunlight peeping through the curtains, and James’ blanket is light against his skin, but James’ presence is heavy. Regulus spends a lot of time just looking at James, taking in all of his features. The way his skin glows in the early morning sun, the way his mouth is slightly parted and his lips are chapped. His cheeks are red, like maybe he’s a little bit warm, but James is always a little bit warm.

It’s a struggle to not touch, but he doesn’t want to wake James up just yet. He wants to enjoy the simplicity that is waking up next to James and not have to worry about anything else going on around him. There is nothing to stress or think about, there is just the flutter of James’ eyelashes and the rosiness to his cheeks, and the rest of the world doesn’t exist.

“You’re staring,” James said suddenly, and Regulus didn’t react. He had a feeling that James had stirred awake a little bit ago and felt Regulus watching him, fingers ghosting slightly over his face.

“So?”

“Happy Christmas,” James said next, opening his eyes. He was doing exactly what Regulus was doing, just staring at him.

And honestly, Regulus could tell that James was going to make this the best Christmas he’s had, and he had already accepted it.

“I smell breakfast,” James said next, getting out of bed quickly.  Regulus only watched for a moment when James opened his door right away, but he didn’t leave. He bent down to pick something up, and that got Regulus’ attention.

“What’s that?” he asked.

James shut the door again, grinning at Regulus and hiding something behind his back. “Okay, so I might have kept this part from you,” he said slowly, like he was waiting to see Regulus’ reaction.

“Oh?”

James looked like he wasn’t quite sure how Regulus would respond, and when James pulled pajamas out from behind his back, Regulus wasn’t sure how he would respond. He stared dumbly for a moment, not quite understanding.

“It’s our tradition,” he said, and that was when Regulus noticed that there were two pairs of pajamas. “From Santa.” Regulus blinked, and he felt like his stomach just dropped out from under him. “Regulus?” James asked, probably noticing how haunted Regulus looked. There were random times where all of the anger that Regulus felt toward Sirius for leaving would just suddenly return. He understood why Sirius left, and he hated that he understood it, because being blindly angry was so much easier. If Regulus had a choice, he would have run away to a place like the Potter’s. A place where they had Christmas traditions and a place where holidays were warm and full of love.

“From Santa?” Regulus repeated, not really sure what else to say.

James shrugged. “Well, no. From my parents. But they used to tell me it was from Santa.”

“That’s- Wow.”

“Get dressed. I smell waffles.”

The pajamas pants were fluffy and red with a bunch of candy canes on them. The shirts varied, and Regulus’ was white and had long sleeves with one huge candy cane on the front. James’ was the same, except it had short sleeves.

As a rule, Regulus has always avoided matching things. He used to find it a bit tacky, but he can’t help but feel like a part of something when they walk downstairs and find that everyone is also wearing them. Even Sirius, who Regulus never imagined doing something like this. It’s a bit weird, the way that they made a new family without each other, and then came together in the end.

“Finally,” Dorcas said, standing up from Marlene’s lap. She kissed Marlene on the forehead and said something to her under her breath before turning around. “Happy Christmas boys, but I need to leave.”

Regulus smiled. “You waited to say goodbye to me?” he teased.

“Nice pj’s.”

“Back at you,” he said, noticing that Dorcas was wearing identical ones. Regulus has no idea how the Potter’s managed to get them for literally everyone when they didn’t even know who would end up here in the morning, but he was impressed.

“Goodbye, Dorcas,” Effie said, coming out of nowhere and giving her a hug. It was a sight that Regulus never thought he would see, and he feels a little bit like he had just stepped into an alternate universe. “Have a wonderful holiday.”

“Thank you for having me,” Dorcas said, and she sounded genuine. Regulus knew that she had to go see her father and brother though, otherwise she probably would have stayed like it looked like Marlene was doing. Regulus almost forgot that James literally grew up with her.

The next couple of minutes was a bit of a bustle of movement, everyone bumping into each other trying to get some of the breakfast that Monty made. Regulus didn’t take very much, he doesn’t know why because he always gets seconds. Maybe it’s because he was used to saving some for Sirius when they were younger. It was their parents favorite way to punish them, by sending them to bed without supper.

“Try this,” James said, holding a fork up to Regulus’ mouth.

Regulus pulled back a little to look at it. “What is that?”

“Try it,” James said again.

“What is it?” Regulus did not like to eat things that he didn’t like, and he especially didn’t eat anything without knowing what it was.

“Eggs and ketchup.”

Regulus blinked. “How did I not know this?” he asked. There were lots of things that Regulus knew about James, like how he wore an apron even just to grill, how he took his coffee, the weight of his footsteps on hardwood floors, and how his handwriting changed literally every couple of minutes. He knew a lot, and yet he did not know that his own boyfriend was absolutely disgusting when it came to breakfast foods.

“Try it,” James tried again. 

“Eggs and ketchup,” Regulus said, actually in disbelief. 

“I would like to point out that it did not come from us,” Effie said, overhearing their conversation.

Monty laughed, nodding in agreement. “Still don’t know where it came from.”

James shrugged. “Me either. But it’s good, so try it.”

“It’s from Peter,” Marlene said. 

“Is it?”

“Yeah. He used to eat it every morning at school,” Remus explained.

Regulus was disgusted, by both Peter and James. “I’m not trying it,” Regulus said, and even James conceded, knowing that that tone was final.

***

It’s tradition for James to play cards with his mom after dinner, always just the two of them. It started when James was really young, and his dad would be in charge of cleaning everything up. It just kept happening year after year though, and it was something that James always looked forward to.

The game they played would always change though. It was strictly Go Fish for a couple of years, and then James became obsessed with Uno for a good few years after that. There was also one year where James made his mom play War with him for over two hours. That was his first year away at school though, and he used the time to catch his mom up on everything that had happened.

It was his moms year to pick, and James was very surprised when she announced that they were going to play Go Fish.

“Really?” James asked. He had been shuffling the deck of cards for the past couple of minutes, waiting for his mom to finish whatever it was that she was doing.

“Yes, really,” she said, pulling her chair in and sitting across from him. 

James shrugged, counting out seven cards for both of them.

They played normally for a couple of minutes; James won the first round. And then he noticed that his mom was going to be using this year as another opportunity to have an important conversation.

“I’m really proud of you, you know?” she said. And James did know, it was one of the things he could always count on, a fixed point in his life.

“Yeah, I know.”

Effie smiled, her gaze drifting toward the living room. James followed it, and he noticed she was looking at Regulus. He was sitting next to Sirius. He had been pretty quiet since lunch, but he looked happy, and he assured James that everything was fine. James smiled at the sight of him.

“You love him.”

James looked back to his mom. “Very much,” he said, even though it wasn’t a question.

“He loves you,” she said, and it still wasn’t a question. “I can see it in how he looks at you.”

“I- yeah,” James said, not really sure where this was going. Regulus’ love wasn’t something that James had to doubt. They had worked hard to get here, to this point, and James could see it too. It was all in the eyes with Regulus.

“You two remind me a bit of your father and me.”

James couldn’t help but laugh. “What? Really?” he asked.

“I see a lot of myself in Regulus. And you are your father,” she said, giving James that look; the one where she pretended like it was a hassle that James ended up so much like Monty.

“Oh. I never saw it like that.”

“Of course you didn’t.”

“Hey!” James said, slightly offended. Their game of Go Fish was long forgotten at this point.

“Is he your one?” Effie asked, and she was more serious now.

James didn’t even have to think about it. “Yes.”

“Well, I think he is lovely.”

James had a question that was gnawing at him suddenly. He never really spoke to his parents about liking guys. He honestly didn’t really think about it, he knew that they would support whatever James wanted to do, so he had sort of figured it out on his own and never really mentioned it.

“Are you disappointed?” James asked quietly.

“What?”

“I- I mean that it’s Regulus. Or… well not Regulus specifically. Just… not a girl, I guess.”

Effie stood up, and for a moment James thought that he was going to leave. That would have been so out of character though, and instead she came around to the other side of the table to give James a hug.

“I could never be disappointed.”

“Yeah?”

“All I have ever wanted is for you to be loved and to love in return,” she said, and James could physically feel weight off of his shoulders with each word. “And you are. How could I be anything other than elated, cariño?”

They play a couple more rounds of Go Fish after that, and James feels pretty happy.

———

“Do you not know how to start a fire?” Remus asked, watching James struggle with it.

And James was struggling with it. He was a bit cold, and he and Remus were the only ones in the living room at the moment. James’ parents were making hot cocoa for everyone, and Regulus and Sirius were off brooding somewhere, most likely. They went on a walk, and James knew that having Christmas’ like this one was a lot for both of them. It wasn’t something that James knew personally. Sirius used to tell him how much it overwhelmed him at first, all of the love that fits into their house. Regulus probably feels similarly, which is why James has been trying to slowly get Regulus accustomed to it. He would be so mad if he found out that James was toning himself down, but James wanted him to be comfortable.

“It’s been a while,” James defended, but he still happily let Remus take over.

It isn’t anything new, having Remus here for Christmas. He has been for the past couple of years, in fact. Remus is family in the same way Sirius is, and the same way Peter is. Peter spends most of Christmas at home though, but he always comes by later at night when they’re all eating leftovers and smiling so much their faces hurt.

“This doesn’t feel real,” James said. He tended to get a bit existential on days like these, days where everyone was just so happy, and James was just so full of love for everyone. 

“Hmm?” Remus asked, already having started the fire and shutting the gate on the fireplace. They were both sitting in front of it.

“Our lives, I guess. It’s weird being…”

“Content?” Remus asked, and if there was anyone who would understand what James was trying to say, it was him. 

“Yeah. I’m not worried about anything right now,” James said.

Something that he and Remus bonded very quickly over when they were younger had been their unparalleled ability to worry. They worried about different things, generally. Remus would be fretting over himself, over social situations and everything that could go wrong. James worried about the people around him, whether they were okay, whether James was doing everything he could to help. And they would both worry about how they were being perceived. They seemed to notice that about each other really early on, and they just gravitated because of it.

“It’s weird, right?”

“So weird,” James agreed, letting out a sigh of relief. He felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. “I mean we’re all here, and we’re all happy, and we’re all in love, and what? We get to keep it?” 

James knows he’s lucky, he knows that. It’s just that he worries about when it’s all going to be taken from him, like it could all be taken away from him at any second. He’s never understood it, but James knows he has a hard time dealing with loss in any sense. Whether it be losing a board game, or when he lost his first pet, a frog named Clark that he loved and still mourned to this day.

“I think we do,” Remus told him. They were just sitting on the floor in front of the fire, neither of them making any move to sit somewhere more comfortable. “We deserve it, right?”

James smiled, and he felt like today was a good day for sharing truths. “I am really happy that you and Sirius worked things out,” he said.

“What?”

“I- I just… Well you always understood him in a way the rest of us couldn’t, you know?”

Remus was blushing a little bit. He always did a little bit whenever Sirius was mentioned and there was nobody around to stop Remus from just… swooning. It was endearing. “Oh.”

James shrugged. “I’m just saying, you’ve always been my brother, you know. But I’m glad you’re my brother’s boyfriend. You know? And I’m glad Sirius is yours. I- Does this make sense?”

“You’re making all of our relationships sound incestual, actually. So, no.”

James laughed. “You’d think we were the Black’s,” he joked. “But no, really. I’m just glad you two are happy.”

“Thanks, James,” Remus said. “Also I am totally telling Regulus you made that joke.”

James’ jaw dropped in shock. “You wouldn’t. What about our pact?”

“We don’t have a pact.”

“We should.”

“I won’t tell him,” Remus assured him with a smile. And thank God for that, because Regulus probably would have glared at him for the rest of the night. Or he would have done what he did on his birthday and pretended everything was fine for a while. Or he would have pouted in that cute way of his until James whispered apologies in his ear- James would have been okay with that outcome actually. 

“Solidarity,” James said, holding his fist out for Remus.

“Are you trying to give me a fist bump right now?”

“C’mon, Moony,” James said, knowing that he could goad him into it.

Remus sighed and very quickly brought his fist up, like if he did it fast enough he could pretend that James wasn’t actively fist bumping him.

“They’re still out?” James’ mom asked, handing both Remus and James their own mugs of hot cocoa. 

“Yeah. I think they should be back soon though,” James said, even though he had no idea. He didn’t even know what they were actually doing, although he got the idea they were probably down by the park, probably smoking. They had left a couple hours after they all opened gifts, and they’ve now been gone over an hour. Sirius said they would be back around sunset, and it was getting close to then.

***

Regulus doesn’t know how Sirius can always tell when he’s overwhelmed. Every time he thinks he’s hiding it well, Sirius can just look at him and know. He just knows, and Regulus wished he had it in him to hate it.

He couldn’t though, because he really had been a bit overwhelmed. James’ parents are just… they are genuinely so lovely. When they were younger, Sirius would talk about the Potter’s like they put the sun in the sky every single morning. Regulus used to not understand; he didn’t think parents were all that great, but he also hadn’t known that most parents weren’t like Walburga and Orion. Everything was clearer in hindsight. Still, Regulus gets it now. Effie and Monty probably did put the sun in the sky every morning, and Regulus didn’t really know what to do with that.

Sirius understood though, because of course he did. 

“I used to be so jealous of James,” Sirius said. He had brought a blunt with him, and when Regulus brought up the fact that they probably shouldn’t return smelling like weed, Sirius told him that it was a gift from Effie. Regulus dropped his worries pretty quickly after that.

“Used to be?”

Sirius shrugged. “No point to it anymore.”

Regulus sighed. “I’m not mad that James had a good childhood,” he said, feeling like he needed to put that out there.

“I know.”

“It just… it feels so unfair.”

“I know,” Sirius said, because of course he knew. He probably knew it more intricately than Regulus did.

“This is his Christmas?”

Sirius nodded. “Every year.”

“And yours,” Regulus added as an afterthought. Sirius has spent more Christmas’ with the Potter’s than he has at home.

“Yours now too.”

Which… Well Regulus didn’t think of that. He’s been scared to picture his future, wondering whether James will want to be in it. He has less of those insecurities now, but there are some lingering things that Regulus can’t help but worry about. But even if he wasn’t dating James, this still would have been his holiday. Or something similar, at least; there was no way Sirius would have let Regulus spend Christmas alone.

“Oh.”

Sirius rested his head on Regulus’ shoulder, looking out at the lake. They were sitting on the highest part of the play set, legs dangling off the edge. “You’ll get used to it.” Regulus wasn’t sure that was true, but he was okay with it either way.

“Do you get used to feeling like a bomb?” Regulus asked, not really even meaning to. If Sirius thought that the question was weird, he didn’t mention it.

“A bomb?”

“Like you’re just gonna blow up and ruin everything, I guess.”

“Oh. No, not really. That’s kinda always there.”

Regulus let out a small laugh. “Yeah, I figured.”

“Well,” Sirius said a couple of moments later, his feet no longer swinging. “I mean Remus is helping. With me, anyway. Even when I do blow up, he’s still there, putting me back together.”

“That’s nice.”

Sirius sighed. “I- Talk to James. About this, I mean.”

“James?”

“Nobody is better at it.”

Regulus supposed that was probably true. James seemed like he would be so good at putting other people back together, which was part of the reason why Regulus hated letting him. James would drop all of his own things to carry someone else’s, and Regulus loved that about him, but he had to be there to carry James’ things when he dropped them, or at least remind him to pick them up.

“I don’t think my metaphors make sense when I’m high,” Regulus said out loud.

“No, probably not.”

Regulus looked down at his lap and remembered what he was wearing. “I cannot fucking believe we are wearing matching pajamas,” Regulus said with a scoff. He really never thought he would see the day.

Sirius started laughing. “The things they get us to do.”

Regulus found himself smiling. “I really hope this makes Orion turn in his grave,” Regulus said. His parents would hate the sight of this, and that actually brought a little bit of comfort to Regulus for the first time.

“He was cremated.”

“Fuck off.”

———

James’ living room is still the warmest place that Regulus has ever been. Peter had shown up at some point while Sirius and Regulus were gone, and most everyone was nursing a third glass of eggnog. James was still on his first from what Regulus could tell, and he offered the rest of it to Regulus when he sat down in front of him. There wasn’t any space left on the couch, and Regulus wasn’t sure if he was allowed to… well show affection. Putting it like that, it sounds stupid. But it was either James’ lap or the floor, so.

Regulus did take the last half of James’ eggnog, and after the first sip he could see why it was taking him so long to finish it. Effie knew how to make a strong drink, apparently.

Sirius snorted, seeing Regulus’ face screw up. Regulus flipped him off and leant against James’ leg. He was tired, although he hadn’t really noticed it until just now.

“You look so cute in the pajamas,” Peter said, and Regulus lifted his head to see Peter looking right at him.

James sighed happily. “Doesn’t he?”

Sirius started laughing again, hiding it in Remus’ shoulder. Regulus could feel himself blushing, but for once he didn’t really feel like he needed to cover it with anything. He was just happy to exist right there.

“I’m cuter than you, anyway,” Regulus said to Peter, just so that he could properly get back at him.

“James,” Peter said. “Who’s cuter?”

Regulus felt his smile grow and he tilted his head to look at James. He didn’t even have to try to make himself look cuter, James would choose him if he knew what was good for him.

“Oh, that’s evil,” Remus said.

James was smiling down at Regulus, and he leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “I’m not picking,” he said a moment later.

Regulus lifted his head up too quickly, accidentally bumping James’ nose.

Sirius erupted into laughter again, and Regulus eyes widened when he saw that James’ nose was bleeding. “Oh no,” he said. “Oh no.”

For some reason, Regulus hates this. He stands up, urging James to follow him into the bathroom and not even paying attention to the way everyone is laughing. It’s supposed to be funny, even James is laughing a little as he tilts his head up and tries to stop the bleeding.

Regulus sits him on the toilet, wetting a towel and feeling like he is fully in crisis mode.

“Reg?”

Regulus ignores him, wiping the blood off of James’ face. James tries to stop him and starts to put his head down, but Regulus holds him there.

“Reg?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It really is okay, Reg. It was an accident,” James said, like it was that simple. Realistically, Regulus knew it probably was that simple. But he was high, so he wasn’t exactly being realistic.

“I’m sorry,” Regulus said again.

James’ nose had stopped bleeding by now, but Regulus was still worried when James brought his head to a normal angle. “What’s wrong?”

Regulus knew, he just didn’t want to voice it. “Nothing. I didn’t mean to.”

James grabbed Regulus’ hands, pulling him to stand in between James’ legs. “I know. I’m not mad.”

Regulus sighed. “I’m under the influence, ignore me,” he said, fighting to not meet James’ eyes. 

James’ eyes had a pull to them though, one that Regulus had never properly been able to fight, always giving in. “You’re so beautiful,” he said softly, his thumbs rubbing circles on Regulus’ waist now. It was a grounding thing for him, and Regulus has absolutely no idea when or how James figured that out.

“You’re sweet.”

“Mhm, so tell me what’s wrong,” James said, trying to goad him with a smile.

Regulus sighed, leaning his head on James’ and taking a breath. “I’m fine.”

“Okay. But I still think you should tell me what was bothering you.”

Regulus thought back to what Sirius said earlier, about how James is good at this sort of thing. Regulus pulled back, deciding he needed to sit down and opted for the floor so that he could lean his head against the wall. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said after a long time.

“You won’t.”

“You were bleeding.”

“That isn’t what either of us meant,” James said. He would never talk around a subject the way Regulus would sometimes. Unless it had to do with him, James was good at getting right to the point.

“I ruin things. And I’m hard to love, and I’m sorry.”

“None of that.”

“James-”

“No, Reg. I’m serious, okay? I know you’re high, but I really want you to listen. Because what you were saying was stuff you were conditioned to believe, yeah? Your parents were wrong, Regulus. You don’t ruin things.”

“I do.”

“Name one thing you have ruined.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow. “I ruined us, in the beginning.”

James shook his head. “First of all, look at us now. We were never ruined, and that was both of us. And all you have ever done is make me better. Since the very beginning, all you have ever done is make me better.”

Regulus shrugged. “A fluke.”

“I love you, and that’s easy. It’s easy to do.”

“I know it isn’t.”

“It is. You are just… you’re so bright, Regulus. You know that? Just the sound of your voice makes my day better, and I love that I get to love you, and know you. I know you don’t see it like that, but it’s how I see you. I- You’re lovely, and you’re talented, and you call me out when I’m being stupid, and your smile makes the sun jealous. Don’t laugh,” James said, seeing how Regulus cracked a smile at that. “I’m not kidding.”

“James.”

James leant forward on the seat, holding Regulus’ face between his hands. “You aren’t going to ruin anything.”

Regulus took a deep breath, trying not to cry. “I’m really glad I’m here.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. This is… well it’s sort of the best Christmas and birthday I’ve ever had.”

“It hasn’t been too much?”

Regulus shook his head. “Not in the way you're thinking. Just… I’ve never felt so full before, I guess. It’s good though.”

Regulus finds that he means it.

***

Sirius and James sat on the couch for a long time, just talking. Regulus had gone up to bed a little bit ago. James got the sense that he had run out of social battery for the day, and that he could even use some space from James, even if he wouldn’t admit that.

Sirius was explaining all of the crystals that he bought for James in detail, so that he would know which ones to use for which situations. Remus was in the rocking chair, reading the book that Regulus got for him. Peter was sitting on the floor pillow, making candles from the gift that James got him. It was the little hints of love around the room that made James feel like he wanted to cry. It was everywhere. It was in the way Sirius threw his legs over James’ lap, and the way Remus took care to not crease the book, and the way James’ mum set out a tray of cookies before she went off to bed, and the way that James knows that Monty spoke to Regulus before he went to bed.

“You’ve got that look on your face,” Sirius said.

“What look?”

“The one where you’re thinking too much.”

James shrugged. He didn’t particularly think that he was thinking too much, he just happened to have a lot of thoughts at that moment.

“Mum gave me the ring,” James said. He hadn’t told anybody about this, he himself could barely even think about it. But Sirius, Peter, and Remus were all James’ best friends. If he couldn’t tell them, then who could he talk to?

Nobody said anything for a moment, and Peter accidentally spilled some of the wax on himself. “The ring?” he asked after his hand stopped burning. “Like the family one?”

“Yeah.”

“Haven’t you only been dating Regulus for like, a day?”

James smiled. “I mean it’s been a couple of months, but yeah. Still pretty new.” They don’t really have an anniversary, James doesn’t think. Regulus sort of just decided it one day in October, and James went along with it. Really, they’ve been together since September, but that wasn’t technically official. Or was it?

“She gave you the ring?” Sirius asked, like he had just got caught up.

James nodded, and he pulled it out of his pocket. He’s just been carrying it with him everywhere ever since he got it. He has no plans to propose, and he knows how Regulus feels about marriage. He tried to explain this to his mom, but she didn’t seem to care about that and said that the ring was James’ whether he used it or not. 

“I have nothing to do with it though.”

“What?” Sirius sat up a little bit, like he was taking on the ‘older brother’ part of his personality.

“Regulus doesn’t want to be married. Like ever. Which is fine, I don’t need it-”

“Do you want it?” Remus interrupted. James had seen him trying not to look at Sirius, probably because one second of eye contact and Remus would accidentally reveal just how much he wanted to marry Sirius, and it was still too soon for them too. Although, in James’ head, they’ve been together since they were eleven, so who cares if they rush it a little bit?

“Marriage?” James clarified. Remus nodded. “Not necessarily. I don’t think that I’ll be missing out on anything, you know? It’s just paper.”

“Maybe you can give him the ring anyway,” Peter said. “Like… it’s a wedding ring, but you two are practically married anyway, right? Or committed anyway. I don’t know.”

James thought about it for a moment. He knows why Regulus doesn’t like the idea of marriage, and he’s never really seen any advantages to being married other than for political capital or for raising one’s social status. So he gets it. But Regulus loves rings, and James doubts that he would be opposed to the idea of them having them for each other, a symbol of their love.

Sirius started hitting James’ shoulder very suddenly, eyes sort of wide with excitement. “Holy shit,” he said.

James pouted down at his shoulder. “That hurt.”

“Effie gave you the ring!” he said, having to cover his mouth so that he wouldn’t scream.

“We’ve been over this,” Peter said, looking just as confused as the rest of them.

“She approves! Of Reggie! Not that she wouldn’t, but, I mean she sees you guys getting married. That’s… Well that’s good.”

James started smiling with him, unable to help it. Regulus honestly fit into their family so easily, it was almost concerning. Almost. Rather it was honestly fucking incredible, and clearly Sirius saw the same sort of vision that James did.

Remus snorted.

“What’s so funny, Moony?” Sirius asked, whipping his head around to look at Remus. Remus hadn’t turned a single page in his book in almost twenty minutes, too busy listening when Sirius was rambling, or watching him as he babbled on. Still, he kept the facade up and closed the book like he had any idea what was happening.

“Just that Regulus can probably hear you.”

James’ eyes widened at the same time as Sirius’. Just because Regulus said he was going to bed did not mean that he was going to fall asleep, they all knew that.

All four of them went silent for a moment, waiting to see if they could hear any noise coming from the second floor. James imagined Regulus sitting on the floor by the vent, like James used to do when he was younger and sent to bed early. He would listen to all of his parents’ friends for hours, using that to entertain himself rather than actually going to sleep. 

“He… he didn’t hear any of that, right?” James asked, actually searching for validation. He didn’t want to scare Regulus away by bringing up long-term commitment just yet. They were both aware of what they were to each other, and James did see Regulus in his life forever. They just probably shouldn’t talk about it yet. It was all still too new.

“No, he didn’t,” Sirius said. James didn’t know if he could trust that though. Regulus had good hearing, he had told James himself that he was always listening for the faintest of sounds when he was a kid, just so that he would know where everybody was in the house. “He’s honestly probably sitting on the roof or something, James. He didn’t hear.”

“The roof?”

Sirius shrugged. “Marlene showed him how to get to the roof. If he’s up there, I would leave him be, I think.”

James himself didn’t even know there was a way to get on the roof. “Do you go up there?” James asked.

“Yeah. All the time.”

“How?”

Sirius blinked at James for a moment before realization came across his features. “You bring enough traumatized people into your house, Potter, they’re going to find a way to escape.”

“Escape?”

“To be alone. It’s not a bad thing. Nobody has jumped.”

“Regulus wouldn’t jump, right?” James asked, suddenly very worried that all of his friends knew how to climb onto his roof. 

“He’s fine. Probably just coming down from being high. He gets all withdrawn and anxious.”

“He’s afraid of heights,” James said, not understanding how being on the roof could be a relief for him.

“He’s fine,” Sirius said, trying to assure him again. 

James could trust that. He trusted Regulus and he trusted Sirius and it was Christmas.

He stood up though, giving Sirius a dramatic kiss on the top of his head. “Happy Christmas,” he announced loudly, so that Remus and Peter would know it was for them too.

Regulus must have been on the roof, because he wasn’t in the room when James went up there to lay down. He was there when James woke up the next morning though, and that was more than enough for James, it always would be.