Acceptance
James woke up cold.
Normally, Regulus would be there. Either on the very edge of the bed, not wanting to be touched, or he would be clinging to James and making it impossible for either of them to even move.
James was alone this morning though, for the sixth day in a row.
He was home, and he would give anything to just go back to Spain right this instant. That’s where Regulus was, that’s where he lived now. And obviously James can’t just ask to move in with him. It’s way too early for that, and they both know it. But the past two and a half weeks where they were essentially living together just felt right. it felt like what they were supposed to be doing.
Unfortunately, James does have a life in London. And he does technically have a job to do. If he could, James would spend all of his time with Regulus. They would both get sick of each other, but James would take too much time over too little time any day.
It’s just that Spain was an escape. He didn’t have to worry about paparazzi, or about interviews and questions and people trying to get information about his private life, because nobody knew he was in Spain.
Being home though? He had responsibilities again.
They were working on making another album, one they were going to produce independently- with help from Regulus. It was Sirius’ idea, actually, and even Regulus was confused when Sirius suggested that Regulus produce their next album. He had agreed pretty easily though, and James could tell that it was something he actually wanted to do.
There was more than just the music right now though, unfortunately.
It was time for them to tell their own stories. There was only one person that they trusted with the narrative though. Only one person who could really tell the most accurate version of what they went through.
Peter came over around noon, and so all four of them were together in James’ flat- which was slowly becoming Sirius’ flat if they’re honest. He brought coffee, and also a huge bottle of vodka for after the fact. The interview would be easy, it was going to be everything that came after that would be difficult.
“Last chance to back out,” Sirius said to all of them just before they were getting in the car.
It really was a tell all. Everything about Snape, and his industries. Everything they went through, and the things that they were forced to do. Everything about the forced repression and the strict rules. All of it. It was time to be honest with the world, and they all knew that they were going to face so much backlash once it airs.
None of them wanted to back out though. They were ready for this, or as ready as they could be. Nobody knew that they were doing this, or at least not to the full extent. James has struggled on keeping it a secret, and he has wanted nothing more than to call Regulus and talk to him about it, plan out what he’s going to say, etcetera. But he couldn’t do that because nobody knew.
James has been doing a lot of thinking about how he’s going to answer specific questions, and most of them are his answers. He gets to decide what he wants to say and there’s nobody controlling him. He isn’t a puppet anymore.
That being said, he still has to be careful. Regulus has made it clear that he does not want a public relationship, and James gets it. He doesn’t want one either. But he will be asked about it, and he has no idea what he’s going to say. He can’t lie. He doesn’t want to lie.
“You’re fretting,” Sirius said, nudging him. They were on the way there, probably only a couple of minutes away by now.
All it took was one small look and Sirius understood immediately. They were talking about this last night, but apparently James’ anxieties didn’t go away with just one conversation.
“Call him.”
“What?”
“Regulus. Call him when we get there.”
James nodded, sending Regulus a quick text to make sure he wasn’t busy. The thing was that they were both so busy right now. Regulus has been working literally sunrise to sunset, whether it be with Marlene or working on something for a different client, he was working. And James has been in this weird fugue state with his writing. He just stays up until the early hours of the morning, writing songs that will likely never see the light of day.
ducky <3: I’mnot busy
Is everything okay?
Peter, Remus, and Sirius all wait in the lobby for him, and James paced around outside the hotel they just arrived at. The interviewer flew in just for them, so they really had no choice but to meet in her hotel room.
Regulus picked up right away, and James realized that he probably made him anxious, not telling him what was going on or anything.
“James?” he answered, and James felt instantly better just upon hearing his voice.
“Hey,” James said, feeling his lips curl into a smile.
“Hey? You better be fucking dying.”
“Without you? I always am.”
Regulus ignored this, which made James smile more. “What’s wrong?”
“Can’t a man just call his boyfriend?” James asked, trying to avoid thinking about what he would inevitably have to think about.
“It’s the middle of the day. And you specifically said you needed to talk. So. Talk.”
James took a deep breath. “We’re doing a tell all,” James admitted finally.
“Oh. Okay. When?”
“Right now.”
“Oh,” Regulus said again.
“I- I just need to know what you’re comfortable with me saying. About us, I mean. Whether it’s everything, or nothing, or only some things. Just… yeah.”
“It’s your tell all,” Regulus said, because of course he did.
“Yeah, but it’s our relationship,” James reminded him, because sometime she had to remind Regulus that they were indeed in it together. Regulus had the tendency to become passive in his own life, and James refused to let him. This had to do with both of them, not just James.
“I know that. But if you’re telling your story-”
“Our story.”
“Your story,” Regulus said, and James could practically feel him furrowing his eyebrows in frustration. “Just… What do you think?”
“I like that what we have right now is private,” James said eventually. And it was the truth. The issue with that was that everyone had their own assumptions. After the article came out people had started looking for clues, like James had left them little hints at his feelings for Regulus. They were looking at any photographs of them together completely differently, and analyzing body language, and neither of them have even confirmed anything. James just doesn’t know if confirming it will make it better or worse.
“Okay,” Regulus said, clearly prompting him to go on.
“I don’t want it to be secret though.”
“James, quite literally I am fine with whatever you decide.”
“What?” James asked, because he was not expecting that. He was expecting a fight, or an argument, or for Regulus to say that he did not want any confirmation of any sort about them. Not this. “Reg- I- You have agency here. This isn’t just my decision.”
“I know. And I’m saying that whatever you want is fine.”
“I-”
“You want to tell everybody that we’re madly in love? Fine with me. You want to casually confirm it? Fine with me? You want to deny everything? Go ahead.”
“I don’t get it.”
“I love you,” Regulus said. He said it almost clinically, like it was just a simple face of life, and it still made butterflies erupt in James’ stomach. He loved that they could say that now, he loved that they loved each other. “And public opinion doesn’t matter to me at this point. I’m not in the spotlight. So whatever you want to do I will be on board with.”
James was still grinning helplessly. “I love you too.”
Regulus groaned. “That was absolutely not the point.”
“It’s always the point.”
“Mm, right. Well, listen. People assume things anyway, without any confirmation from either of us. So I don’t think it will make much difference either way.”
“Okay-”
“I’m not done,” Regulus interrupted, and James smiled again. He couldn’t help it, Regulus was just so, so lovely. “But, with that said, this ‘tell all’ isn’t just about your relationship, I assume. So just know that confirming it now might turn it into that.”
James hadn’t even thought about that, if he’s honest. They all have so much they want to say, and so much that they want the world to know that James didn’t even think that any of it might get more focus than other parts of it. But of course all people want is a love story, which is precisely the reason why Sirius and Remus have decided to not tell the public, and they’re even more obvious than James and Regulus.
“You’re lovely,” James said, leaning against the wall, overwhelmed by just how lucky he is.
“You’re ridiculous.”
“I- I think we should keep it to ourselves for a little bit longer. At least most of it. Because I’m not going to pretend I don’t care about you.”
“Okay. Even if you did, though, I would understand.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Oh,” Regulus said quietly, and James wished he could see the smile that he knew Regulus was trying to fight.
“Okay, I have to go inside now,” James said, even though the last thing he wanted to do was hang up the phone.
“Okay,” Regulus said.
And then, because the novelty would never wear off, James said, “I love you, ducky.”
And Regulus, because as much as he pretended to hate all of the soft, mushy stuff, said, “I love you too. And don’t call me that.”
James laughed and Regulus hung up the phone before James could argue with him. The nickname had started out as a joke, but honestly James couldn’t stop if he wanted to, it was instinct at this point.
When James went inside it was with a large smile on his face, and a weight lifted off of his shoulders.
Minerva McGonagall was… poised. They all knew her from when she was a professor at their school, and now she was doing this.
She gave James a hug when he walked in, the first hug she has ever given him in the eleven years that they’ve known each other, actually.
“It’s good to see you, James,” she said.
It felt a lot like a hug from a mother figure, and that’s essentially what she was to them all those years at boarding school, especially with Sirius. They have a closer bond than any of the rest of them.
“Hi, Professor,” he said, unsure how else to address her.
She smiled. “I haven’t been your professor for a long time.”
He shrugged. “All the same.”
Still, she didn’t correct him or give him anything else to call her, so Professor it was.
———
Minerva: Let’s start with the obvious. You four have officially dropped your management and gone independent. What does this mean for you?
Sirius: It just gives us our own voices back, you know? We can make our own decisions about the music and the album.
Peter: Freedom. It gives us the freedom we always wanted with our music.
Minerva: And an album? Is that in the works?
James: It’s always in the works.
Minerva: Any information on that?
Remus: We have to actively fight to not make it all sappy.
Minerva: Why’s that?
Peter: Oh my God, because all James can do anymore is write silly little love songs. He’s got like a billion of them.
James: It isn’t a billion.
Sirius: You sure?
James: Whatever. They’re all writing sappy love songs too, so.
Peter: Not me.
Minerva: What was your main motivation for leaving your management?
Sirius: Well, other than freedom with music, we were also craving freedom for ourselves.
Minerva: Elaborate on that.
James: We weren’t allowed to express ourselves in the ways that we wanted to. Umm, particularly in terms of our sexualities. We weren’t allowed to confirm or deny anything.
Minerva: Would you like to now?
———
James is a nervous wreck now, and he’s looking at Sirius for some guidance only to find that he is doing the exact same thing. The whole point of this is that it is a tell all, and they’re just supposed to be open and honest because that’s the only way for this to really work, but now that they’re staring it in the face like this, it’s hard.
James, just a little after the article came out, had put on twitter that he wasn’t labeling his sexuality, and he had left it at that to get people to stop asking him about it. Still, nobody could ever really leave well enough alone, and generally the public didn’t like it if they couldn’t stick you in a neat little box.
But the thing was, James wasn’t unlabeled. He had words to put to it in a way that Peter didn’t. He was just scared.
Minerva was waiting patiently, and she seemed to be able to tell that this was going to be a little bit difficult for all of them. This is everything they wanted, and none of them could get a word out.
So James went first.
He cleared his throat. “I’m pansexual,” he said, and then he hesitated a little bit, almost stuttering over silence before he continued. “And demisexual.”
Sirius looked like he wanted to cry, but not in a bad way. In a sense that he was proud of James, and James realized that he was proud. It’s taken James a long time to comfortably be able to say that he’s demisexual, and maybe that was because he didn’t quite understand it at first, or maybe it was just more fear. But he knows now. He knows that just because the way he loves isn’t considered the norm doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
And then it all sort of fell like a domino effect from there.
“I’m gay,” Sirius said, leaning back in his chair and officially getting comfortable. “And in love with Remus Lupin.”
Remus sighed, like he knew Sirius was going to do that, and he probably did. That was the kind of thing that Sirius would talk to Remus about before saying.
Minerva looked at Remus and he just nodded, and let out a soft “Yeah.”
And then Minerva was smiling, because she had watched the two of them fall in love and has quite literally been there since the very beginning. They were quite obvious about it in school, of course they were oblivious, but obvious.
Peter sniffed, and James could tell he was working himself up to it a little bit. “I’m unlabeled. You know? Like I don’t think I need to quite figure it out or anything, and I just know that I like what I like, and it doesn’t really need to be more complicated than that. For me, anyway. It’s just… Yeah. Unlabeled. Queer, yeah. I’m queer, and I’m proud to be, and I’ve wanted to say that for years. Or… okay maybe not years, but for a long while now, I have wanted to say it.”
James patted him on the back, knowing that Peter would ramble on forever and then feel awful about it later. James has been there before when Peter has said that he was unlabeled, usually to someone in the industry who knew to keep it quiet or who literally had to keep it quiet. people didn’t like things that they didn’t understand, and so they disliked Peter because they didn’t understand who someone could just be.
Remus, who also sensed that Peter was about to ramble for the next ten minutes, spoke up. “And I’m bisexual.”
Sirius shot him an expecting look, and Remus sighed again, although this time there was a tiny hidden smile playing at his lips. “And I’m in love with Sirius Black.”
Sirius hummed, visibly pleased. “Now that that’s out of the way, I would like to give a shoutout to Mary MacDonald.”
———
“James,” Minerva said, turning to him. James had a feeling he knew what this next question was going to be about, and he started fiddling with the rings on his hand, specifically the one he might have stolen from Regulus just before he left. “A couple of months ago an article came out about you, strongly alluding to a relationship you have.”
James cleared his throat and adjusted in his seat. “Yeah, umm, yeah. That article was first and foremost a huge invasion of privacy that I did not appreciate. It was an outing, essentially, one that I was not at all prepared for.”
“How did you handle it?”
“Not well,” James said quickly. “Uhh, just not well. It was hard to sort of have everyone’s opinions flying at me all at once, when that was something I would have preferred to handle with a bit more delicacy.”
“The article was about an alleged relationship between you and Regulus Black, do you want to comment on that at all?”
James smiled instinctively just at the mention of Regulus. He missed him a lot, but especially so right now. “Yeah, umm. I care about Reg- Regulus a lot, and he has become a very important person in my life.”
Minerva smiled and seemed to realize that was all James wanted to stay about the topic, so she moved on.
Really, James had so much more he wanted to say. He could simply talk about Regulus for hours, but he knew that Regulus would likely not appreciate that all being made public. He could say whatever he wanted, but James knew him, and he knew that Regulus valued keeping some things just for themselves. And James was more than comfortable leaving it at that.
———
Miraculously, they made it through the interview. They all had lots of things they wanted to say, and it ended up taking over two hours before they all finally shut up and seemed to exhaust every possible topic that they had wanted to address.
James, for some inexplicable reason, wanted to cry. It was probably just revisiting everything that made him just feel so much. He had just gone over the past couple years of his life in quite extreme detail, it makes sense that James is a little emotional because of it.
Minerva pulled Sirius aside, so the rest of them waited in the lobby for them to finish whatever conversation they were having.
“That was a lot, right?” Peter asked after a couple minutes of them standing in silence.
Remus let out a sigh of relief, and James honestly felt a weight off of his shoulders, because it was a lot, and it was a good thing for them to acknowledge.
“Yeah, it was,” Remus agreed.
“I think we deserve a treat,” Peter said, and James knew exactly what he was talking about.
Ever since they were all about fifteen years old, if any of them had a hard day then they would go get a cake, no questions asked. Usually they would just buy a huge plain sheet cake, but one time after Remus got out of the hospital they bought him a five tiered cake. It was all chocolate and the most extravagant thing that they could find.
Bad day’s = cake.
And while maybe it wasn’t a technically ‘bad day’, it was still hard on all of them. Remus looked like he had all of the energy fully just zapped out of him, and even Peter was struggling to bring a smile onto his face.
When Sirius came back he was wiping tears from his face, and Minerva McGonagall followed behind him with a similar teary eyed look. And that was when James realized that she was going to talk to all of them individually, and she grabbed Remus next.
James was nowhere near prepared to handle a speech from Minnie. He would cry too, no doubt.
Sirius, who was just a touchy person, latched onto James a little bit while they waited for Remus. He was staying mostly silent, which normally would have worried James a little bit, but he honestly looked so content. Happy wasn’t the right word considering the fact that he was still a little tear-stained, but he looked content.
After Remus it was Peter, and then James was surrounded by three blubbering individuals and he was slightly scared for his life when McGonogall came to grab him.
She brought him back into her room and handed him first an envelope.
“What’s this?” he asked.
“Open it.”
So he did, and it’s safe to say that James was not expecting what was inside.
It was a photograph, one that was almost a decade old and a bit frayed at the edges.
Furthermore, it was of the four of them.
Sirius had his tie wrapped around his head, pushing his hair back. That was before he grew it out completely, but it was still longer than any of theirs at the time. He was holding one of the school’s acoustic guitars in one hand, holding it up for the camera. He had looped his other arm around Remus, probably trying to stop him from leaving and forcing him to be in the picture. Remus was rolling his eyes, but there was a small smile on his lips that he was probably trying to fight, knowing him. James was at the drum kit, standing behind it with one of the drumsticks behind his ear, barely balancing, and fighting with Peter for the other one while Peter was honestly just trying to smile for the camera.
It was so long ago, and yet it felt like yesterday.
They were just a couple of kids with a pipe dream, one that Sirius more than anyone else believed in. Even from just their second year, Sirius knew he was going to be a rockstar.
“I remember this day,” James said softly, because he did.
It had been Remus’ idea, actually, to break into the music wing. Sirius had been whining about wanting to learn how to play guitar but that he couldn’t make any progress in class, so Remus found a way to get them in after hours. It was one of their first big ‘missions’, and that day had been so good.
James had wanted to be the drummer, but Peter ended up being a natural, and James got bored of trying to be better eventually.
“You four used to cause a lot of trouble.”
“Used to?” James asked with a grin that was threatening to wobble. Nostalgia always did that to him, made him sad and happy at the same time.
“Yes well, I imagine that hasn’t changed.”
“It hasn’t,” James confirmed. Somehow, someway, they were always causing trouble.
“I just wanted to tell you that I am proud of you,” she said after a couple moments of silence, and now James really had to fight to not cry. It was a futile attempt, because the knowledge that his favorite teacher from school was proud was just a bit too much. “I always knew you would go on to do great things, and you have grown up into a fine young man.”
James was crying now, and McGonagall gave him a hug, something she almost never did.
“Thank you,” he said quietly, scared his voice would break if he said it any louder.
***
Regulus did not want to be back in London.
He liked the sanctuary he made for himself in Spain. Nobody bothered him there, and the only time he saw anyone was when it was his decision. In London though? There were people everywhere.
Of course, he knew he didn’t have much choice, and the sooner they got this done the better. That did not mean that he wanted to be here though.
Regulus has never been to Sirius’ flat before. All he knows about it is that he shares it with James, and now Remus. Which… well that has to be annoying, right? Regulus would not want to live with his brother and his brother’s boyfriend, but James has not complained.
Is he supposed to knock? He doesn’t really know the norms for visiting your brother and your boyfriend. He shouldn’t walk in like he owns the place, because it’s James’. But he shouldn’t knock because it’s Sirius’. So.
He isn’t left out there thinking for much long because eventually Remus just opens the door. “We saw you pull up,” he said, his expression slightly amused.
“Oh. Right,” Regulus said, stepping inside.
And honestly? He should not have been so surprised. This was his brother.
The apartment didn’t have a theme. It was a large collection of things that should not have matched. There was a train cookie jar on the counter, there were three aprons of varying designs on hooks right by the fridge, there was a bright orange couch, a dark green rocking chair with a purple pillow, and the wall decorations varied from stick drawings obviously done by one of them to a literal Magritte right next to them.
Regulus now understands how and why James picked out certain things for his house.
“Oh, you’ve never been here,” Remus said, almost like he was reminding himself.
Regulus could only nod, still looking around at everything and wondering how any of them got anything done. It was all so distracting.
“He isn’t here, by the way.”
Regulus looked up from the rug that he was busy trying to understand. “Who?”
“James.”
“Oh,” Regulus said, trying not to be disappointed. He refused to be one of those people who was so codependent, but he missed James. Physically missed him. They spoke on the phone at least once a day, but it was different in person, and it’s been weeks of them being separated. “Where is he?”
Remus shrugged. “No idea. He just wasn’t here this morning.”
“I hate him,” Regulus mumbled. If James wasn’t here then Regulus would have no choice but to see Sirius and deal with everything that he absolutely did not want to deal with.
“I’ve no doubt he’ll be back.”
“Doesn’t do me any good now though.”
Regulus: You’re a traitor and I despise you
Jame(s): have fun w ur bother <3
Regulus: No.
Jame(s): yes!
Sirius came out of his room, and he looked about as sick as Regulus felt.
He tilted his head to the side, took one look at Regulus, and then nodded. “Wanna get drunk?”
Remus sighed, but he didn’t say anything about it when the two of them left the flat in search of the closest pub. Maybe they should have done it sober, but honestly that sounded horrible to Regulus. He’s pretty sure he would throw up on the front porch if he tried to walk into that house without a drop of alcohol in his system.
Sirius ordered shots, Regulus opted for a mixed drink, and they sat at a booth quietly. Neither of them really wanted to broach the topic, but of course Sirius was the one who would bring it up first. He was always better at that.
“So are we throwing everything out?” he asked. His cheeks were red, which meant Regulus’ probably were too. A surefire sign that they were at least tipsy.
“I want the art,” Regulus said. It was probably one of the only things that his parents had done right, and Regulus would literally spend hours staring at whatever new painting his mother brought home. He was never allowed to have any in his room; they were convinced he would ruin something terribly expensive like Sirius had done more than once. They learned their lesson from him.
Sirius nodded. “I want…” he trailed off, eyes focused on the table. “I don’t think I want anything.”
“They never touched your room,” Regulus blurted out, causing Sirius to look up. “They… uhh- They just sort of locked the door and never opened it again.”
Sirius scoffed. “I’m surprised they didn’t just burn it down.”
Regulus shrugged. “Yeah, well I wouldn’t let them.”
“What?”
“I- I made a deal with them. If I wasn’t allowed to go in your room then neither were they.”
“They agreed to that?”
“Father did. I don’t think she cared though,” Regulus said, referring secondly to Walburga.
Sirius shrugged it off. “Yeah, probably not.”
They went silent again and Regulus continued sipping on his second drink.
“You’re staying, right?”
“Hmm?”
“For Christmas?”
“Oh,” Regulus said. He hadn’t really thought about what he was going to do for Christmas. He was going to feel like he was intruding no matter where he ended up, and part of him hoped he could spend it in Spain, alone. He should have known better.
Sirius groaned. “You’re staying. Plus, James will be happier with you around for the week.”
Regulus raised an eyebrow. Generally, they avoided talking about James altogether. “Is he… not happy?”
“You’re so dramatic. He’s fine. He’s just in love.”
“I have no clothes.”
“Really?”
“I didn’t pack for a whole week.”
“Between me, Remus, and James you will have something to wear.”
Regulus knew that there wasn’t any way he could really get out of it, and he knew that Sirius played the James card just to get him to agree. It worked too, because Regulus found himself mumbling that he would stay, and that was that.
“Good. Plan for the week-”
“There’s a plan for the whole week?” Regulus interrupted, unsure what he had just gotten himself into.
Sirius smiled. “You’ve never spent a Christmas around James Potter before, have you?”
“Thankfully, I can say that I have not.”
“You’re in it now.”
Regulus probably could have guessed that James was a huge Christmas fan, it just hardly crossed his mind considering the fact that Regulus has spent the last couple Christmas’ with Barty and Evan and a lot of alcohol.
So he listened to the plan for the next couple of days and resolved to not complain. If it made James happy then Regulus could suffer through some festivities. Plus, part of him always wondered what a normal Christmas would look like.
All the talk of Christmas was a welcome distraction, until there wasn’t anything left to distract him.
12 Grimmauld Place was darker, somehow. When Regulus was younger it was like he could feel a rain cloud following him around the moment he stepped within ten miles of the house. He hasn’t felt it in years, avoiding coming anywhere near this side of town. But now? He’s got that same cloud following him around.
Sirius has it too, although it manifests differently on him. He is stoic, almost like steel as the place comes into view. It’s a shield, one that Regulus has never really been able to wield.
Sirius has the keys, and he looks at Regulus before unlocking the door.
“I can do it alone, if you want,” Sirius said, because Sirius somehow felt less complicated about this place than Regulus did. He was able to leave it behind, to forget about it, and to hate it, and to move on. Sirius has moved on, and Regulus knows that he’s only here for him. He appreciates it, he just doesn’t know how to say it.
“I’m fine.”
Sirius sighed, but he opened the door and stepped inside, Regulus just a step or two behind him.
The house was cold. The house was always cold, actually, like it had never really been lived in. There were no smiles, and no laughter, and no love to warm the house. It was empty long before everyone left.
They both stopped in the foyer, just looking around. It’s been a lot longer for Sirius, but everything looks the exact same, save for a couple of expensive art pieces and a new table.
“Well fuck,” Sirius said.
Regulus could only nod. The hair on the back of his neck was standing up, and he knew it was simply the atmosphere. This house is where things came to die, and Regulus never thought he would voluntarily return.
“Do you want anything from your room?” Sirius asked.
Regulus felt a bit twitchy, being back in this place. It felt like he was waiting for his father to come down the stairs, or for his mother to be sitting at the head of the table, doing all of Orion’s dirty work. But they weren’t here, and Regulus didn’t know how to feel about any of it.
“Your guitar.”
“My guitar?”
Regulus shrugged. “I stole it when you left.”
Sirius smiled, because he was able to despite all of this. “Thief.”
The guitar was exactly where Regulus left it when he moved out, stuffed in the back of his closet where he hoped neither of his parents would care enough to look through. It looked like they hadn’t so much as stepped in the room either, and Regulus doesn’t know whether that’s a comfort or not.
Sirius strummed it and then winced. “That needs to be tuned.”
“Needs new strings, too,” Regulus mumbled, shutting the closet.
He always hated his room. It was smaller than Sirius’, and it was colder. He was also so fucking cold, and even now, with the window shut and the curtains drawn, the winter air seeps into his very bones. He felt sixteen and powerless and alone all over again. Sirius was there, but Regulus was always alone here.
“This is eerie,” Sirius said, taking the words right from Regulus’ brain.
“There’s nothing else I want in here,” Regulus said, turning and walking out of the room, eyes lingering on his childhood stuffed animal for only a couple of seconds. It was a duck, ironically enough. A purple, faded duck that sat in the middle of his bed, waiting for Regulus to pick it back up again. He didn’t. He was done here.
Sirius’ room was still locked, but apparently Sirius had learned how to pick locks in the past couple of years, because he took a bobby pin out of his hair and got the door open less than a minute later.
Regulus blinked at him, waiting for an explanation.
“I learned when I was like six.”
“That’s a lie.”
“How do you think I unlocked the pantry all the time?” Sirius asked, and Regulus never thought about it. Walburga would lock the food away so that they wouldn’t go grabbing it or having a snack. But they would always be hungry, and Sirius would sneak them food.
“Oh.”
Sirius ruffled his hair and turned the doorknob, all of their conversation stopping at the sight of Sirius’ room.
Regulus had thought he was the last person to ever step foot in this room, but that clearly was not the case.
His room was a disaster. It looked like a tornado had come through. His posters were half ripped off the wall, his school books had pages ripped out of them and were thrown wherever. His bed was completely stripped, and his pillow was ripped, the feathers from it littered all around. Clothes were ripped off of hangers and tossed out of the dresser.
And then Sirius started laughing, covering his mouth with his hand to try and stop it.
Regulus stood frozen. Sirius’ room used to be the safest room in the house, in Regulus’ mind anyway. He hates that they got their hands on it. He hates that they even cared enough to do this, because this was proof that they cared. They cared and it was never enough and never in the right way, and they tore apart Sirius’ room rather than being good parents.
“It isn’t funny,” Regulus said.
Sirius was still laughing as he took another step inside. His mirror was broken too, and Sirius picked up a piece of it before letting it fall back to the ground.
Regulus stayed in the doorway. He didn’t want to go inside anymore. It isn’t what he remembered, but then again, nothing is. They cared enough to tear Sirius’ room to bits and pieces, and they never even stepped foot into Regulus’ room.
“Reggie?” Sirius asked, his laughter fading a little bit.
Regulus felt like he was going to throw up, because none of this was making any sense. Was this not proof that they cared?
Sirius stopped laughing when he saw the look on Regulus’ face, and he retraced his steps, guiding Regulus out of the room and shutting the door.
In the kitchen, with everything still locked like it was a habit for Walburga even after both of her sons left her, there were bottles on bottles of expensive wine. Sirius picked those locks too, and they sat down on the floor, leaning against the cabinets. Sirius had red wine, Regulus had white, and they drank it straight from the bottle like they were never allowed to do here before.
“They cared,” Regulus said, needing to get the word’s out.
Sirius shook his head. “No they didn’t. Not about me.”
“They- they destroyed your room. They cared more about you than me.”
“They liked you better.”
“No, no I don’t think they did. I think they liked that I was quiet and did what they wanted, but they cared more about you.”
“Reg-”
“I’m not- I’m right. You know? Like they didn’t care about me, they didn’t need to, I guess. You only bother to do all of that if you love someone.”
“That wasn’t love.”
“Love is love is violence.”
“Love isn’t violence.”
Regulus shrugged, drinking more. “It was for them.”
“No, Reg, I’m serious. Love isn’t violence, and violence isn’t love.”
He shrugged, not saying anything because Sirius wasn’t going to agree with him on this. But tearing apart your estranged son’s childhood bedroom isn’t indifference. It’s not.
“Is James violence?”
Regulus snapped his head up, because how could Sirius even ask him that? Sirius knew James. Sirius was James and James was Sirius. “No,” he said defensively, like he needed to protect James from even the hint of a notion at him being violent. James was soft and warm, he was peace and hope and he was the least violent thing to ever hold Regulus. He held Regulus and didn’t want to destroy him.
“Exactly.”
“James is different. Special.” Regulus misses him still. He’s glad he’s not here though.
“We’re not doomed.”
“What?”
“We- we deserved better than we got. We aren’t violence just because we were raised from it.”
And that? Well maybe that was what Regulus was getting at all along. He was the one doomed to destroy James, because he didn’t know how to handle things with care, he didn’t know how to not be volatile and how to not blow up. But he hasn’t worried about that in a while, and things with James have been going well, and Regulus hasn’t screwed everything up like he always thought that he would.
And even Sirius is happy with Remus, and they aren’t violence.
“Oh.”
“Maybe they cared about us, but they were horrible people, and we aren’t wrong for distancing ourselves from it.”
Regulus feels like maybe he can finally accept that. So what if they cared? They didn’t care enough, and they didn’t show it right, and they were awful.
“I love you, you know?” Regulus said. He can’t remember the last time he said that to Sirius.
Sirius didn’t even blink, he just shrugged. “Yeah, I know.”
“Good.”
“I love you too, idiot.”
“I know.”
———
They were sloshed by the time they walked back into the flat, laughing about something neither of them would remember in the morning.
James was back, and he was sitting on the ugly couch with the notebook Regulus had bought for him, and seeing him made Regulus happy.
“Finally!” Regulus said, throwing his hands in the air and falling onto the couch next to him.
Sirius stumbled to his bedroom, calling out for Moony and asking for water at the same time, even though he had already passed the kitchen.
“He’s an idiot,” Regulus said, and then he turned to see James, who was looking at him with a bit of a dopey grin and soft eyes. “Oh, hi.”
“Hey, Reg,” he said. “You’re a bit drunk.”
Regulus laughed. James was funny, and he was so good at making Regulus laugh. “I love you,” Regulus told him, eyes still scanning every inch of his face. He was so pretty, and he was wearing his glasses, and his eyes were so big behind them. Ugh. He’s just so lovely.
Regulus missed whatever James was saying, distracted by his face, and how warm he was. It was so different from Grimmauld Place. This was what home was supposed to feel like. It was supposed to be warm, and comforting, and safe.
Regulus smashed his cheeks between his hands, a smile on his face as James just let him do whatever he wanted.
“I missed you.”
“Me too, baby.”
Regulus groaned, letting go of him. “I hate how you’re so…” he trailed off, gesturing with his hands and hoping that James understood what he was saying. There was no real way for him to properly explain it anyway.
“So?” James asked. He was amused, and Regulus liked that he could amuse him.
“Pretty,” Regulus said, although that didn’t really feel like enough. “Gorgeous. And like… beautiful. And I can’t stand to look at you and I can’t stop looking at you.”
James opened his mouth to say something, but then Regulus was distracted by his lips.
“Kiss me,” Regulus said.
“Reg-”
“No sex. I’m drunk, I know. Bla bla bla, you’re a regular gentleman. Kiss me,” Regulus said, literally needing it right now. He just wanted to kiss.
And James loved him, so he pulled him in for what was supposed to be an innocent kiss. But Regulus was a little sloppy, and he wanted to feel James’ tongue with his own, and then it wasn’t so innocent, which made James pull away.
“That’s not just kissing.”
Regulus sighed, resting his head on James’ shoulder. “And if I sober up?”
“Well you should do that anyway. And don’t you need to go to bed?”
Regulus sat up. “Bed? Why?”
“Aren’t you leaving tomorrow morning?”
Regulus had forgotten that that was his initial plan, and when he remembered that he got to stay here for a whole week, he smiled. They were in no rush, they didn’t need to be in a rush. “Ohh. No.”
“No?”
“Sirius asked me to stay. For the holidays.”
James’ eyes widened to a size that Regulus has never seen before. “Wait, what?”
Oh. “Umm, yeah. Only if that’s okay. I- we should have asked you. I mean it’s your flat too, and-”
“Stop talking.”
“What?”
James brought him in for another kiss, a small and simple one this time. Regulus wouldn’t have been able to deepen it if he tried with the way James was smiling. “Of course you’re staying.”
“Yeah?”
“Mhm.”
“Okay. Good. Can I borrow pajamas?”
James smiled and got up, helping Regulus off the couch. The room was spinning a little bit, but Regulus focused on James’ guiding hand. Regulus was moving slowly while he changed into one of James’ t-shirts, but if he moved too quickly he was worried he would throw up.
James left and came back with a glass of water and a couple of advil.
“I am going to be so embarrassed about this tomorrow,” Regulus said as he got into James’ bed. He’s never slept in James’ bed, and he loved how much it smelled like him. His eyes couldn’t really stay open for long enough to take in what the room looked like, but he knew that it was warm.
“Don’t be,” James said, shuffling about the room.
“You’re staying, right?” Regulus asked, not realizing how many things he could have meant. He meant right here, right now. He meant in general. He meant everything.
“Yeah, Reg. I’m staying.”
James got into bed with him, and Regulus fell asleep peacefully. He had found a love that wasn’t violence, and what more could he have asked for?