balancing act

James knew the moment that Regulus woke up. He didn’t have to turn around to know, he could feel the change in the air, the difference in his breathing. Most mornings, James liked to wake up next to Regulus, watching him until Regulus eventually opened his eyes.

Today though his mind was going a million miles and he had a song idea. Looking at Regulus tended to inspire him, especially with the way the sun would hit his face in the morning and the slow rise and fall of his chest that showed he was breathing. There was something so lovely and so precious about being able to wake up next to the person you loved.

They weren’t living together, not exactly. They got back from tour about two weeks ago, and James did go home first. But Sirius always had Remus over, and they were an interesting couple to be around. So James came up a couple of days ago, having been dying to visit Regulus and to visit Spain.

“You’re up early,” Regulus said, his voice a bit strained. That might be James’ fault, considering what they were doing last night.

Honestly, James understands the big deal about sex now. And maybe it’s just because he’s in love and that’s why it’s so good, but part of him can even understand Alecto’s obsession with it. Well, no that’s a bit far actually. James likes sex, but he would never go as far as Alecto did, and he could easily live without it.

He spun around 180 degrees in the spinny chair that Regulus had bought just for him. James complained the first day he got here, mostly joking, and the next day there was a brand new chair with wheels in the place of Regulus’ old one.

“Thinking,” he explained, getting up and crossing over to Regulus. He practically jumped on the bed, laying down next to him.

Regulus’ hands went to James’ hair without a second thought, being at the perfect angle to run his fingers through it. “Everything okay?”

James hummed, breathing in the scent of Regulus that was all over the bed, his face pressed into Regulus’ torso. “Good thinking. Don’t worry.”

They stayed like that for a while, and James almost fell back asleep with the pattern in which Regulus kept stroking his hair.

“You were writing,” Regulus said, and James lifted his head to see that Regulus had spotted the open notebook on the desk. James felt more than comfortable leaving it lyinga around. Regulus would never read it, not after James had asked him not to.

“Yeah.”

“Can I read it?” he asked, which was more of a demand than anything. Regulus was so greedy with the things James wrote. James has said no a couple of times, and Regulus has backed off, no questions asked.

He groaned. “I don’t wanna get up.”

Regulus smiled a little. “You were already up though.”

“Yeah, so?”

It didn’t work, Regulus rolled off the bed a moment later, and James followed him like a dog on a leash. Marlene was living here too, but she usually didn’t wake up until past noon, which he didn’t entirely blame her for.

Sometimes Regulus and Marlene would be awake until almost two in the morning, literally just making music together. It was sweet except for when James wanted Regulus to himself and they would both glare at him and tell him to leave them alone. James thought that their friendship was interesting, and on the surface it almost seemed like they hated each other.

“Are you working today?” James asked while Regulus made both of their coffees.

He gave James a look, which made James recognize it was sort of a stupid question. They were having company later in the afternoon, as in James’ parents. Regulus was clearly trying to not be nervous, and James had told him a million times that he had no reason to be. Regulus has met them before, and James’ parents loved Regulus before they even knew him, just from the way Sirius acted about him.

“I wish,” he mumbled, turning around completely and sliding James his mug, because he had a mug here now. It was a red and pink one where all the colors swirled together. It was probably more expensive than it was actually worth, but that just seemed to be how Regulus bought things for his new house.

When James got here Regulus gave him a tour. The house was almost completely empty though, seeing as Regulus had had almost everything removed. When they got upstairs Regulus pointed to the two rooms which were completely off limits; Sirius’, and Walburga and Orion’s rooms. James didn’t ask about why Regulus hadn’t touched his parents’ room, if Regulus wanted James to know he would tell him.

That was another reason why James’ parents were coming, they were also bringing Sirius and Remus. Sirius had complained about not seeing the house since Regulus got it, and Regulus complained that Sirius’ room was still full of junk. It was their way of communicating that they missed each other though, which James thought was sweet.

Marlene walked down the stairs a couple minutes later, and both James and Regulus looked at the clock above the stove, showing the time was just past nine in the morning.

She did not look happy to be awake though, and she walked right over to the coffee pot, pouring herself some in her own mug that Regulus had also bought specifically for her. It had boobs on it and was entirely inappropriate, but Marlene loved it and Regulus pretended he hadn’t done a nice thing. His exact words were that he didn’t want them using his mugs, but James knew Regulus well enough to know that he had simply done a nice thing. 

“You’re up early,” James commented, a bit confused.

She looked up, looking like she hadn’t even registered that they were here. “I’m going home today,” she told them, acting as if this was information that they were supposed to know.

“What?” Regulus asked.

“Well you guys are having your family dinner party and whatever, and I want to go visit Dorcas,” she said with a shrug. Marlene has always been bad at communicating her plans, and James wouldn’t be surprised if she hadn’t even told Dorcas yet.

James has liked having Marlene here. They’ve been friends for years, and they used to have talks of living together. Of course they never really thought it would be like this, but James isn’t exactly complaining. 

“Oh. Well, are you coming back?” Regulus asked, trying to act like he wouldn’t miss her. They had an odd relationship, sort of like brother and sister.

Marlene smiled at him as best she could, her eyes lighting up just a little bit. “Don’t worry, Reggie,” she said, ruffling his hair. “I’ll be back on Sunday.”

He hit her hands away. “I wasn’t worried. Just wanted to know how long you would be out of my house for.”

“Mhm, sure.”

“Shut up.”

Regulus’ eyes widened a second later, and he was looking at James like he was supposed to know what was wrong. “What?”

“I- You can’t leave,” he said to Marlene, setting his mug down and starting to panic.

“Why not?” 

“You were supposed to help me cook,” he said, and James vaguely remembered Marlene noncommittally saying that she could maybe help.

“Have James help,” she said, and both of them turned to look at him sitting at the kitchen island, a smile on his face.

“I can help,” he said.

Regulus shook his head. “You’re supposed to entertain your parents.”

Marlene wisely started backing away. “I have to go pack,” she said slowly, slipping out of the kitchen. James could hear her feet practically running up the stairs.

James stood up, leaving his mug sitting there and coming to stand in front of Regulus, holding his face in his hands carefully. James was holding something precious, he had to treat it with care.

Regulus seemed agitated still that things weren’t going the way he wanted them to, and James could not have that. This wasn’t supposed to be stressful, it was supposed to be fun, all six of them sitting around the table by the pool like they were in some telenovela.

“I will help you cook,” James said, forcing Regulus to look in his eyes.

Regulus sighed. “But-”

James smushed his cheeks, stopping him from being able to talk. It made James grin, even if Regulus was growing more frustrated with him but the second. “C’mon, ducky. You know I’m a good cook,” James said to convince him. Regulus didn’t like to give up control, but one night James made him sit with his feet up while James made them dinner. Regulus had kept trying to sneak into the kitchen to check on things, but James just kept marching him back out to the living room.

James let go of his cheeks so he could talk, holding him close by his shoulders instead.

“Yeah, I know. But-”

James stopped him with a kiss, not liking that he was about to hear more of Regulus saying no. Kissing him was James’ favorite thing to do, because no matter what they were doing, James could get them both to disappear with a kiss. Regulus was always more than happy to let James shut him up with a kiss. There were no expectations, it was kissing just to kiss.

James pulled back, his face still hovering very close to Regulus. “Please?” he asked quietly.

Regulus sighed, still not having opened his eyes. “This is manipulation,” he mumbled.

“We’ll grill and that way we’ll all be out there together anyway,” James suggested.

Regulus looked up, his eyes open now and staring right at James. James loved just looking at Regulus, at that comfort in knowing somebody as much as they know you. James knew Regulus’ routine, he knew the way he liked his coffee, and the way he always put slippers on in the morning. He knew the sound of Regulus’ footsteps on the stairs, or the way he specifically shut the door. It was always quiet, like he was scared that people would hear him coming and going. He told James it probably had to do with his childhood but it wasn’t anything that he did consciously. James slowly started to adopt shutting the doors softly, knowing that it would make Regulus more comfortable.

And James loved how Regulus would argue with him. He never let James get away with the things that the rest of the world seemed to do. He would force James to focus on himself, and while he would never force him to talk if he didn’t want to, he would grab James’ journal and put it down in front of him when he noticed something was wrong. And he would argue with James about the temperature of the house. James, who tended to run hot, wanted the air on. And Regulus was always cold, so they could never win there. James loved how domestic all of it felt.

He loved that there wasn’t any rush for James to go home, and they were both taking it a day at a time. He loved that Regulus assumed James would still be here, right here, a week from now when he planned on inviting all of their friends. He loved that he included James in the decorating, and how he wanted James to add his own touch in some places.

Just… James loved him.

“Okay,” Regulus agreed, clearly not wanting to agree but doing it anyway. It made James wonder if Regulus felt as strongly as he did. That if James were to tell him how he felt right now, things could only go up.

But they’ve only technically been together for a little less than two months. The timeline is shaky because inJames’ mind they’ve been together since that very first night they met, when Regulus complained about his music being too loud.

Regulus never complains about that now. He will put his book down or take an earbud out if he hears James strumming his guitar, or humming something to himself.

It’s beautiful, the way James has settled into life here.

He always knew he would love Spain.

***

Sirius and Remus arrived before the Potter’s, and Regulus didn’t know which was worse. Sirius has been the worst brother ever since Regulus accidentally let it slip that he was in love. And Regulus knew he would never say anything to James, but the threat of it was still there. Sirius didn’t think before he spoke, and it would probably just slip out at some point, and then Regulus would have to bury himself six feet under.

Sirius stopped in the foyer, looking around the house that they’ve known since they were kids. Regulus thinks it’s unrecognizable at this point. He went with James the other day to buy a bunch of artwork, spending what was likely a ridiculous amount of money on anything that called his name.

“It’s warm,” Sirius said, looking at Regulus a bit confused. 

He shrugged. “I took out the black curtains,” he said, acting as if that was the only thing he had done. When Regulus was with them for the last couple weeks of their tour, he was also getting a bunch of stuff delivered and set up here. He wanted to come home . Of course, it wasn’t that instantaneous. It didn’t really start feeling like a home until James showed up. Now Regulus had happy memories in every part of the house.

Sirius hummed. “Really livens up the place,” he said, neither of them able to really say what they were thinking. They didn’t need to though. Maybe it was a brother thing, just knowing what was unsaid and not needing that clarification. 

James, who was wearing a ridiculous apron, heard the commotion of guests and came running out of the kitchen, practically knocking Sirius to the ground with a hug. He had dropped a spatula on his way, and Regulus needed to clean that up before the Potter’s got here.

Remus nudged Regulus. “Why aren’t we like that?” he asked.

Regulus fought a smile. He had gotten closer with Remus, as much as he hadn’t wanted to. At first he was just Sirius’ boyfriend, but now he was Regulus’ friend, and it was so annoying. Sirius was so pleased that they got along, and that just made it that much worse.

“I don’t want to be,” Regulus told him.

“Good,” Remus said with a nod.

“Clean that up,” Regulus said to James, pointing at the spatula covered in brownie batter, leaving him to catch up with Sirius as if they don’t call each other every day. James had insisted on making dessert too, and Regulus let him because he wasn’t strong enough to turn James down, nor did he even want to.

“Meeting the Potter’s huh?” Remus said, following Regulus into the sitting room. He fought the urge to make himself a drink just yet. He could wait, and everything was going to be fine.

“I’ve already met them,” Regulus told him, because that was what James kept saying.

“Not as their son’s boyfriend,” Remus pointed out, and Regulus wanted to scream because that’s exactly what he’s been trying to get across to James. He didn’t understand that it was different because they weren’t together before and they are now. To James nothing has changed, but to his parents… Well maybe they won’t accept Regulus as his boyfriend. He’s the first to admit that he’s not good enough for James, and he wouldn’t blame Effie and Monty if they thought the same.

“Please tell that to James.”

“I couldn’t even explain it to Sirius.”

“James is easier than Sirius.” Remus raised an eyebrow, and Regulus shrugged. At least when it came to Regulus, James was significantly less stubborn. “Maybe not,” he added.

“It depends,” Remus said with a shrug, and Regulus was reminded of just how well Remus knew both of them. It isn’t that Regulus forgot that they were all friends first, it’s just that sometimes it feels like there are more degrees of separation between them all. 

Regulus had about twenty more minutes of stressing before he saw the Potter’s arrive. He may or may not have been perched on the couch, peeking behind the curtain every couple of minutes so that he would know when they got here.

He shot up immediately, ditching Remus in the middle of conversation and going to find James. James had to open the door.

“Oh, hey,” he said when he saw Regulus walk in. “Brownies are almost done.”

“They’re here,” Regulus said, not looking at Sirius who would no doubt make fun of him for acting like this.

James raised an eyebrow, but when he opened his mouth to say something they all heard the doorbell ring. “Oh,” he said quietly. He shot one small glance to Sirius and then Sirius was off to open the door.

“Reg, love, everything is fine, yeah?” he asked, dusting the mess off his hands.

And no, obviously not. That’s what Regulus has been trying to tell him. Everything is very much not fine and what if James’ parents don’t approve, or they don’t like the fact that he whisked their only son off to Spain?

“James,” Regulus said, really trying to keep it together. “I- I’m a Black.”

James tilted his head. “Hmm?”

“I know they didn’t like my parents, and I don’t blame them or anything. But… that’s my last name. That’s who I am.”

James stepped closer, pulling Regulus in for a hug. This was probably the first time in hours where Regulus wasn’t holding himself super tight, he let himself melt in James’ arms.

“You are so much more than your last name, Reg. And my parents already love you like their own. I- when I told mum she literally almost started crying.”

“Happy tears?” Regulus checked, because maybe Effie was just so turned off by the idea that she cried about it.

“Yes,” James said, not teasing him for asking what was probably a stupid question. “Look, we’ll do this together, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You’re still worrying,” James said, pulling away from the hug. “They just want me to be happy, and you make me happy. So just the fact that I love you is enough to make them love you.” He grabbed Regulus’ hand. “You’ve got this.”

Yeah, Regulus had absolutely nothing. James just… he just dropped that on him and didn’t even acknowledge it. James loves him? As in… Love? Him? If James’ intent was to get Regulus to stop worrying about re-meeting his parents, then it worked. Regulus felt frozen as he smiled at the Potter’s. He let Effie pull him into a hug.

“I am so happy for you guys,” she said in his ear, a secret for just the two of them. Regulus might have thought on that a little more if it wasn’t for James fucking Potter telling Regulus he loved him in the middle of him freaking out. Were they even at that stage yet? Regulus knew he loved James, but he wasn’t going to say it yet. He thought it was too soon. But…

“Hi, Regulus,” Monty said, also pulling him in for a hug. This one was much shorter and Monty didn’t whisper anything in his ear. But Regulus did catch him winking when they separated.

Yeah, Regulus had been worrying about the wrong Potter all day.

He waited fifteen minutes, sitting next to James on the couch and fiddling absentmindedly with his rings while everyone was catching up. He didn’t stay completely silent because he did still have manners, but his mind was elsewhere.

He stood up during a lull in conversation, announcing that he would be right back. Regulus practically ran to the bathroom, shutting himself in it and breathing. James loves him. Regulus isn’t sure that he even knows that he said it, but he did. Regulus heard him loud and clear. Maybe he was being hyperbolic? Or maybe he was just trying to make Regulus feel better.

There was a knock at the door, and at first Regulus thought it was James.

“What’s wrong?” came the voice of Sirius. His brother. His older brother.

Regulus opened the door, eyes wide. Being loved was scary, it was scarier than loving, Regulus knew that now. Every day it felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop and for James to realize that Regulus isn't worth his time.

“You look sick,” Sirius said.

And who better to tell than his brother? Well, really anyone was better. Regulus wished Remus came to the door. “Get Remus,” Regulus found himself saying.

“Remus?”

Regulus nodded and shut the door, knowing that Sirius would do what he asked.

A minute later there was another knock. “Uhh, Regulus?” Remus asked, clearly confused. 

Regulus opened the door, not surprised to find that Sirius was there too. “Go away.”

“But-”

“Sirius.”

He rolled his eyes. “Last time I do you a favor.”

Regulus smiled falsely at him and Sirius flipped him off before walking away, mumbling something under his breath.

“So?” Remus asked.

Regulus, because he didn’t trust any of them to not snoop- Sirius particularly-, dragged Remus into the bathroom and shut the door.

“What is this? Like wife swap?”

“James told me he loves me,” Regulus said, ignoring Remus’ jokes.

Remus’ eyes widened. “What?”

“I- I think it was an accident because he didn’t even have a reaction to saying it. Like it wasn’t a thing for him. But it’s a thing for me because I know he said it and… Yeah.”

Remus looked like he was trying not to laugh, and Regulus was contemplating jumping out of the window and running. “This is hilarious.”

“You’re not helping.”

“I wasn’t aware I was supposed to be.”

Regulus looked at him for a moment and then sighed. There wasn’t exactly anything that Remus could do, and rationally he knew this. But still. Regulus wanted someone to fix this problem for him. Or…. Okay it wasn't a problem, but Regulus was unable to even think about anything at this point. James loves him, and he doesn’t know that Regulus knows because he’s James. He just says things like that without thinking.

“I need a drink,” Regulus mumbled, opening the door to the bathroom and running right into Sirius. Sirius’ eyes widened when he realized he had been caught.

They just stared at each other for a moment, and Sirius straightened up. “Sorry, I was just looking for the bathroom.”

“This is your house.”

Sirius smiled, taking a couple of steps back. “Used to be! You remodeled though.”

“Not the entire foundation.”

“Close enough,” he said before slipping away.

Regulus could deal with him later. He had company over, and he was likely making a horrible impression. Not that Effie or Monty would even care. Regulus doesn’t know why he was nervous, they long ago welcomed Regulus into their family.

So he went back out into the living room and joined the conversation and did his best to forget that James loved him, which was a feat. LIke genuinely so difficult. Everytime James would look at him, or smile at him, or tap his knee when he saw it start to bounce because he knew Regulus hated doing it in front of other people. All of it was now with the knowledge that James loved him. And that wasn’t fair because Regulus still hadn’t even gotten to say it, so James didn’t know. Maybe it was obvious, and maybe James did know, but Regulus is absolutely certain that he’s never said it.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to. It’s just… he’s scared to.

Because what is love anyway?

For Regulus, when it’s James, it’s the small things. It’s the sight of him scribbling away in the notebook that Regulus bought for him, and drinking out of the coffee mug that Regulus bought for him. It’s hanging up ridiculous art because James liked it. It’s doing the dishes together because they don’t have a dishwasher, and it’s James calming him down when it feels impossible. It’s his t-shirts that he lets Regulus steal without a word. It’s how Regulus would do anything for him, anything to make James happy, and always wanting to be near him.

All of that is love, isn’t it?

***

James loves to grill. He used to help his mom with it all the time when he was younger. It helps now that he just happens to be grilling in Spain in a villa on a beachfront, but even if they were in the shabbiest of flats, James would still love to grill.

Regulus is…. Well, James gets the sense that he’s avoiding him. He’s practically attached to Remus, and maybe it’s a comfort thing because James’ parents are here, but that doesn't make sense either for multiple reasons. One, Regulus seems just fine with them now, initiating conversations and having their normal relationship again. And two, Regulus would have normally latched on to either James or Sirius for something like this. Which means that Regulus is avoiding him.

James doesn’t think he did anything, but sometimes he says things without thinking. Regulus has told him that before. Sometimes James will say things and Regulus will just think about it for hours. Most of the time James doesn’t even remember what he said.

But they’ve hardly had any time to speak today, so there’s no way that’s what happened.

“Beer?” Sirius asked, already holding one out for him.

James’ eyes were stuck on Regulus. He was talking to Monty about something, James couldn’t hear what it was, but it was a very animated conversation. James always knew that they would get along really well. They’re both very passionate people, and honestly there were so many topics that they both liked that guessing what they were talking about would be impossible.

“Yeah, thanks,” James said, trying to stop being so distracted.

Sirius clearly knew something though, because he kept breaking into random smiles and then shutting them down quickly. It was more than slightly infuriating.

“What?” James asked when Sirius did it again.

“Hmm?” he asked, taking a sip of his drink to not seem like he was smiling.

“Did I do something?”

Sirius nodded, grinning again and no longer bothering to hide it. He kept looking back at Regulus and then to James again. Sirius was a good liar when he wanted to be, but there were times when he was so clearly baiting you to ask a question. He never answered it either, which would always drive James insane.

Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know. Did you?”

“I will pour hot grease on your head,” James threatened.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “No, you won’t.”

“Is he avoiding me?” 

“Probably.”

“Why?”

Sirius shrugged, pretending like he had no idea. “Did you guys have a fight?” Sirius asked with fake shock. The bastard so clearly knew what was going on, and he was just being mean about it on purpose.

“Do you enjoy seeing me suffer?”

“Immensely.”

“Right.”

“Prongs, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then why…”

“I’m sure he’ll tell you later,” Sirius said with a wink, like he was supposed to decode what on Earth that meant.

And well… Sirius wouldn’t lie to him, at least. So just the knowledge that it didn’t really have to do with him made James feel better. James grilled and Effie kept him company, and then Sirius would keep him company, and then Remus would get bored, and it would just go round and round while James made dinner.

Regulus and Monty were off the whole time though, sitting at one of the tables by themselves and essentially isolating. James was happy to see them getting on well though, and every once in a while he would catch Regulus’ gaze.

So, despite the fact that his boyfriend seemed to be avoiding him, everything was going very well.

Regulus finally got up from the chair and walked inside, probably going to the bathroom. James was just waiting for his chance, and this was it. He handed Sirius the spatula and asked him not to burn anything before going after him. He wasn’t going to call Regulus out in public, but he would absolutely do it in private.

He waited just outside the door so that Regulus couldn’t sneak past him.

As soon as the door opened and Regulus saw him, he sighed. “Are you fucking kidding me? I knew you would do this,” he said, not really even talking to James at all.

“You’re avoiding me.”

“Yeah, I am,” Regulus said, leaning against the door frame and giving up on getting out of this conversation.

“Why?”

“I- I don’t think we should talk about this right now.”

“I disagree.”

“James.”

“Reg,” he said, raising an eyebrow and being equally as stubborn. If something was wrong then James would rather they fix it than go on like this.

“You really have no idea?”

James shook his head. “None. Did I do something?”

“Yes- No. I mean…”

“Did I say something?” James tried next. Sometimes, with Regulus, the question had to be the right question, otherwise he would just find a way around it or just not talk about it at all. James has gotten very good at asking the right questions.

Regulus shrugged. “Yeah. Not a big deal though.”

“What did I say?”

“Nothing-”

“Regulus. What did I say?” James interrupted. Regulus wasn’t making eye contact with him, and that was honestly scaring James a little bit. Was it so bad?

“Nothing important. It was probably an accident anyway, so.”

James heard the door that leads to the backyard slide open, which meant someone was coming inside for something. So James did the only thing he could really think of doing, and he stepped into the bathroom and shut the door.

Regulus watched, his jaw slightly dropped and his eyebrows drawn in from confusion. “What are you doing?”

“Locking us in a bathroom so that you have no choice but to talk to me,” James said, smiling and leaning against the door.

“Waste of everyone’s time. I’m not telling you.”

“Reg, if I said something that upset you-”

“I’m not upset,” Regulus interrupted quickly, saying it like he really wanted James to know that he was not upset.

“Oh? Then…”

“I- I don’t want to talk about it.”

James tried not to let his face drop. He wasn’t going to force Regulus to talk about it if he really didn’t want to. But James knew how important communication was to a relationship, especially one that was as new as theirs. Everything was still up in the air with them, and they still weren’t entirely sure what was going to happen. They were happy though, they both knew that muc, and that was what they were focusing on.

“Okay,” James said eventually, nodding his head to himself and getting ready to leave the bathroom. “Well, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” Regulus said quickly, the moment after the apology slipped out of James’ mouth. 

“Don’t?”

“Don’t apologize.”

“You aren’t giving me much to go off of.”

Regulus sighed, sitting down on the edge of the bathtub. “I know.”

James sat down next to him. “You seem to be getting along with dad really well,” James said to change the subject. Just because Regulus didn’t want to talk about whatever it is that James said doesn’t mean that they don’t have to talk at all.

“You told me you love me.”

James froze, letting that sit between them for a moment. Did he let that slip? He really hadn’t meant to, he was waiting for the timing to be better, or for Regulus to be ready. They weren’t ready for this. James knew he could be a bit much at times, and he’s done everything he could to not push Regulus into something before he was ready.

Did he mess this up? Is Regulus planning on breaking up with him?

“Did you mean it?” Regulus asked after James didn’t say anything.

“Reg-”

“Did you mean it?”

And… James was in it now. He wasn’t going to lie, or pretend like he wasn’t madly in love with Regulus. He couldn’t even if he tried.

“Of course I mean it.”

Regulus let out a breath, not looking in James’ direction. This was on James to fix, because he was the one who said it too soon.

“I’m in love with you. And I know it’s early, and I know we’re in a vulnerable state. But I love you, and I’m not going to pretend like I don’t because it’s easier for us, I can’t pretend. I don’t want to pretend.”

“James-”

“No. Let me finish. Okay? I love you, and I’m not sorry about it. I’m sorry for dropping it on you, I didn’t even think about it and that’s my bad and so I am sorry for that. I am not sorry for loving you though, and meaning it.”

James refused to let this ruin them. He didn’t expect for this to be happening today, and he also didn’t expect Regulus to even return the sentiment. James didn’t need Regulus to say it back. He would get there when he gets there.

“Normally, I would have run away by now,” Regulus told him.

“Me too,” James said with a small laugh, thinking back to that one small kiss all those months ago. In hindsight they were both being over dramatic, but it;s easy to get caught up in something like that, and so James has no regrets.

“You love me.”

“I do.”

“That scares me.”

“Not me. Loving you is easy.”

Regulus looked up at him now, eyes big and full and clearly trying to communicate something. “I don’t want you to say this unless you mean it. I’m not… I don’t… You don’t have to.”

James held Regulus’ cheeks gently, practically ghosting over his face. The pads of his thumbs were sliding up and down, and for a moment James forgot everything. It was easy to forget everything when he was holding the world in the palms of his hands.

“How could I not love you?” James asked softly, a rhetorical question that he knew Regulus would have a million answers to. James didn’t care, none of the answers would be valid. They would just be more things that James loves about him. It’s nice to have it out in the open now. James wasn’t good at loving silently, or even quietly. He was loud about it, and now he could be loud about this, if he wanted. A selfish part of him wanted to keep it all to himself, to not let anybody in on his love for Regulus. But Regulus had other people who loved him, and so did James, and they couldn’t just keep it all for themselves.

In a rather unseen turn of events, in James’ mind at least, Regulus practically surged forward to kiss James, almost knocking both of them off the ledge that they were sitting on. James didn’t pay attention to that though, not when Regulus was kissing him like this . This was not kissing just to kiss, not with the way Regulus climbed onto James’ lap, kissing deeper and almost trying to breathe James in, to consume him. James held onto his sides to keep Regulus from falling, not that that was likely to happen, maybe James just wanted the excuse to hold Regulus.  Regulus bit at James’ lip, pulling at it and drawing a rather loud sound out of James, who didn’t care about where they were right now. Everything was just Regulus, Regulus, Regulus.

Maybe they could consume each other.

Regulus pulled back suddenly, eyes wide. James tried to chase after him, but Regulus had pulled back far.

“Are you okay?”

Sometimes Regulus didn;’t want to be touched, or kissed, and James always respected that. He was learning to tell the difference though, the difference in his facial expressions and the tightness in his shoulders or the clench of his jaw. Regulus didn’t look like that right now.

“We have company,” Regulus said eventually, reminding James that his parents were just outside.

In James’ mind, they could wait. But Regulus wouldn’t see it that way, and he still wanted to make a good impression on Effie and Monty.

So, he let out a breath. “Yeah, we do.”

And then, a couple minutes later when James was about to open the bathroom door again, Regulus stopped him.

James knew what he was about to do, and honestly James doesn’t think he can hear it right now. Regulus is going to tell James that he loves him, and James already knows this. He realized it a little bit ago. It’s written in his eyes, and in the way he touches James, and in the way he looks at him. It’s practically a flashing neon side floating above his head. So, James knows.

“Not yet,” he said, and Regulus frowned, which was fair. James could feel it, and he could know it, and he could say it, but he wasn’t sure he could hear it. And it wasn’t that James felt unlovable, or undeserving, it was that he knew it was real. It was love in the purest form of the word, because they were inevitable to feel that way about each other. James has never been loved like that, he doesn’t know how to be loved like that.

And whether Regulus understood James’ reasons or not, he nodded. 

“Okay. Not yet.”

And that was love too.

***

James couldn’t stay in Spain forever. Regulus knew that, of course. As much as he tried to pretend it wasn’t true, James didn’t really live here.

So, the weekend following the visit from James’ parents, they invited all of their friends to the villa. Regulus was treating it as a going away party while everyone else was using it as an excuse to get drunk together again.

Following James’ confession last week, Regulus has been unable to keep his hands to himself. Really, they’re both insatiable. 

Regulus doesn’t know why, but James doesn’t want Regulus to say it yet. Which doesn’t really make sense, because James obviously already knows. But they haven’t talked about it yet because every time they get a moment alone, their clothes are coming off. 

And now it’s James’ last official day, and they still haven't really spoken. Which is fine. That’s not making Regulus totally anxious or anything. Except it is, and he’s going to rip his hair out.

“I think I want to wear a dress,” Barty said. He brought like a billion wedding magazines with him, and so Regulus was drinking dirty shirley’s and going through outfit options with him while trying not to focus all of his attention on what James was doing. He was laughing with Lily about something, but his eyes always drifted back to Regulus too.

This got Regulus’ attention though.

“A dress?” Regulus asked. “But I thought-”

“I know,” Barty interrupted.

Barty had burned all of his dresses when he was ten years old. He practically always knew he wasn’t a girl, and of course this made his parents beyond angry. And when he cut off all his hair when he was eleven, Regulus was the one to fix it so that it didn’t look so choppy.

“This isn’t because of your dad, right?”

“He’s not invited,” Barty told him. “And it’s because of me. Men can wear dresses.”

“They can,” Regulus agreed. He personally didn’t, but he used to be the lookout for Sirius when they were younger while he tried on all of their mother’s dresses.

Barty pulled a magazine out from the bottom of the stack. “Good. So, me, you, and Dorcas are going wedding dress shopping then?”

Regulus shrugged. “Yeah, sure.”

Barty tried to fight a smile, and Regulus knew that this was sort of a big deal for him, which was why Regulus was treating it like the opposite. Barty has always struggled with his gender and expression of it, but Regulushas honestly never seen him happier about a decision for this wedding, and he has been ecstatic about literally every part of it.

“Cool. And don’t tell Evan.”

Regulus nodded. “Got it.”

“Good. And are you ordained yet?”

“Almost.”

Barty nodded again. “Perfect.”

———

Regulus was drunk. He didn’t mean to be, but Remus made insane drinks that didn’t even taste like they had alcohol in them, and Regulus just kept going back for more. 

Sirius was drunk too, and that was how Regulus found him in his old bedroom. It was still untouched, and Regulus hadn’t been able to find the courage to ask Sirius to go through it.

He was holding an old stuffed animal in his hands, staring down at it until he heard Regulus walk into the room. It was the coldest room in the house, which was ironic since it used to always be the warmest. Or maybe it was just Sirius who was warm.

“It’s all still here,” Sirius said, his voice a bit thick. He would probably start crying soon, but Regulus was at the point where he would end up crying with him.

“It’s yours.”

“I used to hate this fucking place,” Sirius said, gently setting his old stuffed animal on the pillow, in it’s original spot.

“Me too.”

Sirius sighed. “It feels weird.”

“Hmm?”

“Just- Being done with them. For good, you know?”

Regulus sat down on the edge of the bed, unable to stay standing anymore. “Yeah. Sometimes… I don’t know. It’s like I’m waiting for them to be here,” he said. He hadn’t told this to anybody, but this was his brother. If anybody was going to understand then it was him. “Sometimes I want them to be here,” he admitted quietly. “Like… like I need the- I don’t know. The reassurance, I guess. I didn’t miss them when they were here.”

“Do you miss them now?”

“I miss what I wanted them to be, I guess. Like- I don’t know. The version of them I made up in my head as a kid. I miss that.”

“Hope?”

“Yeah. Hope.”

They both went silent for a couple minutes. Regulus’ head was spinning a little bit, and it felt so weird being in here. This is the first time the door has even been opened in years, and now they’re sitting on Sirius’ bed like when they were little kids, except they’re adults now. They’re adults and nothing has changed, except everything. 

“I- It’s you, though.”

“What’s me?”

“Who I picked. Pick. Whatever,” Regulus said with a shrug. That’s essentially what it was though, a choice between his parents and his brother. Or… more like a choice between the life his parents wanted for him and the life Regulus wanted. Sirius was always in the part of the narrative that Regulus wanted for himself.

“Yeah, for me too.”

Regulus doesn’t know how long they stayed up there for, but it was long enough for both of them to fall fast asleep on the bed. Regulus woke up to the sound of Remus trying to wake up Sirius, which he did easily because Sirius woke up to the smallest of things, always has. Regulus pretended to still be asleep, not wanting to say goodbye to anybody. If he stayed asleep then he stayed here, in Sirius’ room, where he was always the safest. Nothing bad had ever happened to him in Sirius’ room.

And then James came in. Regulus could tell it was him by his footsteps, impossibly soft. He’s started doing things softer; walking, shutting doors or cabinets, cleaning. All of it is done with care, and Regulus knows that it’s for him, and he knows that he loves James.

“Reg,” James whispered quietly. He was close to Regulus, probably kneeling right next to the bed. He didn’t want to wake up yet though.

James moved the smallest piece of hair out of Regulus’ eyes, a touch so tender that Regulus didn’t know what to do with it.

“I love you,” Regulus said quietly, still not opening his eyes. It was clear though. James would have heard it. Regulus grabbed James’ hand that was resting on Regulus’ face, holding it. 

And eventually the silence was loud enough that Regulus opened his eyes. James was already looking at him, eyes not leaving Regulus’ face. He looked scared, and then it all softened. Whatever was happening in his mind was already worked through, because James was beaming at him a moment later.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

James kissed him softly. Everything he did softly he did for Regulus.

They wrote a song together that night, both of them too high on love and on life to go to sleep. Regulus sat on the kitchen counter and ate toast and drank water, and James strummed his guitar and softly sang what he had been working on, and they finished writing it together.

Depollute me, pretty baby

Suck the rot right out of my bloodstream

Oh, dilute me, gentle angel

Water down what I call being grateful

Oh, you kissed me just to kiss me

not to aske me home

It was simple it was sweetness

it was good to know

You look perfect, you look different

I don’t wonder about your indifference

If I said you could never touch me

You’d come over and say I looked lovely

Oh, you kissed me just to kiss me

Not to make me cry

It was simple, you are sweetness

Let’s just sit a while

Depollutel me, gentle angel

And I’ll feel the sickness less and less

Come and kiss me, pretty baby

Like we’ll never have sex