Learning (Dis)Abilities

The first snowfall of the year falls outside the library window, collecting on the ground and windowsill. Students took the Friday afternoon to enjoy the outside, making snowmen and setting up a multi-house snowball fight. Even from the library, Remus can see students outside enjoying the weather. Snowmen, snow fairies, snow forts, hot chocolate... 

Stop it, Remus scolds himself, forcing his head back into his Charms notes. You’ve neglected this essay enough.

He has. Between tutoring Sirius, which now includes Peter most days, the full moon two weeks ago, and the planning and execution of miscellaneous pranks, Remus barely has time for his own work anymore. The last day of term is exactly a week away, the week filled with exams and essay deadlines; Remus is grossly underprepared. A couple of months ago, this would have never happened. Remus always completed his essays and assignments as soon as they were assigned in the past. 

Remus knows exactly who to blame. He blames his newfound friends, his only friends. Specifically, a black-haired heir with an awful sense of boundaries. The three of them are probably outside right now, playing in the snow. Despite only befriending them relatively recently, it feels weird to be left out of things now. Though, Remus doubt they even notice his absence.

With a soft sigh, Remus flips the page of his notes. The library is his favorite place to study still, in spite of almost never studying here anymore. Sirius doesn’t perform well in a quiet atmosphere like a library, while Remus could study anywhere. 

It’s not just the silence he likes. It’s not just the books everywhere, though it is quite nice to be able to grab extra reference books when writing an essay. And it’s not just so he can get away from other people anymore. It’s the smell of books, the evidence of the pages being loved and used. 

New books smell like forests, woody and smokey, with an added touch of ink. Very nature-like and earthy. Old books, which are better in Remus’s opinion, have a wider range of fragrances. Some books smell like chocolate, coffee, maybe vanilla. Some have an old forest smell, which Remus can’t quite find the words to describe. When someone grabs a book off the shelf, the pages tell you where it’s been and what it’s been through. 

Remus breathes in deeply, allowing his acute sense of smell to take over. Wood, smoke, chocolate, candles burning, tea leaves, pine, and something almost floral.

Remus sniffs again, trying to place that last one. "Sirius?"

"Remus?" Sirius appears out from behind a row of bookshelves. "How'd you know I was here?"

Remus subtly taps the side of his nose. "What are you doing in the library?" If Remus knew anything about Sirius, it's his strict aversion to the library.

"Needed a book?"

"Why does that sound like a question?"

"I- Well, I did need a book."

"For what? I thought we had our study session set for Sunday?"

"For a… prank! A prank that I needed to look up a spell for."

It's possible, though James usually did the library research for their pranks, now James and Remus sometimes. 

"I guess James is busy outside?"

"James? Oh yeah, he's trying to hit Lily Evans with a snowball. Idiot thinks that'll make her fall for him."

Remus shrugs. He doesn't understand James's fascination with the red-headed girl. Lily is smart and kind, too good for troublemaker Potter. 

"So what spell were you looking for? Maybe I can help."

Sirius purses his lips and glances at the book in his arms. "Oh, it's alright. I've got it covered."

Remus's stomach sinks. Obviously, Sirius doesn't want him included in this prank. They've never exclusively left him out before. The fact hurts Remus more than he wants to admit. "Oh, okay?"

"See 'ya at dinner!"

-

Everyone's breathing evened out about an hour ago, but Remus still lays in bed, staring at the top of his four-poster bed. His mind races a hundred miles an hour. 

Why was Sirius acting so weird in the library?

What prank are the three of them planning? How bad is it? It must be something Remus wouldn't approve of to keep him in the dark. 

Or was Remus starting to lose his novelty, like a toy fallen out of favour for a newer, better toy?

Remus quietly climbs out of bed and sneaks over to Sirius's bedside table. He knows it's wrong, but he can't help but need to know what book Sirius grabbed from the library. 

Theory of Transfiguration, Charmed and Hexed, The Moon and Her Creatures, and The Potion Master's Guide to Antidotes sits on Sirius's bedside table. Remus freezes on the third book, touching the spine gingerly. 

Keeping his ears open for any sign of the other boys waking up, Remus pulls the book out of the stack and takes it into the bathroom, where the light won't bother anyone. He flips through the pages, eyes widening, breath quickening as he flips faster. Horrible pictures and diagrams burn themselves in Remus's eyes. 

"Little is known about these magical creatures or why they transform to their master, the moon. Some speculate that lycanthropy is a disease, passed in the saliva from infected to infectee. Meanwhile, others argue that when the wizard gets bitten by a werewolf, it causes a total reconstruction of who they were as a person. All agree on one thing, they are dangerous creatures and should be killed on sight-"

Remus slams the book. His heart hammers in his chest, his palms sweaty. 

Sirius has checked out a book on werewolves. 

His hands are shaking, mind racing, staring at the rough leather-bound book in his hands. He hates himself for reacting so strongly about this. Of course, Sirius would be curious, it’s Sirius-fucking-Black. But he got a book, instead of asking Remus for the information. Did he want a third-party opinion? Did he not trust Remus? 

He shouldn’t care. Remus should go to bed, go to sleep, ignore what happened, and continue through school just being thankful that he has friends now. It doesn’t matter and Remus hates that it does matter to him because… 

What made Sirius turn to the library, of all places, instead of Remus himself?

After minutes of deliberation, Remus pulls back the bed curtain a bit. "Sirius?" 

"Mm?" Sirius blinks and squints at Remus. "Blimey, what time is it?"

"About one in the morning? I can't sleep, can we talk?"

Sirius sits up and rubs his eyes. "Yeah, get in."

Remus climbs on top of the bed, closes the curtain, and pulls out his wand. "Muffliato."

“Muffling charm?”

Remus nods, though he doubts Sirius can see it in the dark. “Don’t want to wake up James and Peter.”

“Yeah, right,” Sirius agrees sleepily.

They sit in silence for a minute.

“What’s wrong, Remus?”

Remus bites down on his lip. This is a stupid idea, but he can’t turn back now. “I found the book you checked out today.”

“Oh,” said Sirius surprised. Whatever Sirius thought this was going to be about, this wasn’t it. 

“You said it was for a prank, but it’s not. It’s about… me.”

It’s too dark to see Sirius’s face properly. “Are you surprised I wanted to learn more?”

“No. I'm upset you didn’t ask me first.”

Sirius shifts on the bed. “I didn’t think I needed my tutor’s permission to check out a book, quite frankly.”

Remus shakes his head. “No, no, blimey, that’s not what I meant. I mean, I don’t know, you could have asked me what you wanted to know?” 

“Oh, yeah, I could have,” says Sirius. He shrugs, moving the bed. “I figured you wouldn’t want to answer every detail. I know you don’t like the ‘W’ word and it’s not your responsibility to educate me about this.”

Remus blinks in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

“How do I put it…” They both sit in silence for a minute. “Okay, so the only analogy I can think of is if someone found out that I’m bisexual, right? Then, every time they want to know about anything queer, they asked me about it, right? They want me to explain to them what lesbian means and how that differs from gay, and why people crossdress or why men wear makeup. I imagine it would get super annoying after a while if they relied on me to explain to them every detail. I’d tell them to piss off.”

They never talked about Sirius’s coming out after it happened. It’s nice to openly talk about it, even if it’s only under the Muffliato Charm.

“So, you didn’t want to annoy me with all your questions?”

“Yeah, I thought it might be beneficial to know more too, you know? Maybe I can help somehow during the full moon? The joint pain and injuries you give yourself.”

Remus nods slowly, trying to think how to word this next part. “Ask me, okay? Ask me all your questions. Just- I don’t want you reading books like that.”

“What do you mean?”

Remus exhales sharply. “Books written on us are all written by witches and wizards with no first-hand experience with the disease. We aren’t legally even allowed to publish books, you know? They write about how dangerous we are and that we’re better off hunted and killed, but they never talk about how, for 353 days of the year, we are just normal people trying to live our lives.”

Sirius finds Remus’s arm in the dark and squeezes him gently. Remus's skin is tingly where their skin meets. “I don’t think I’ve heard you reference yourself as one of them before.” Another squeeze. “I’m sorry that the book upset you. I get it now, and I will bother you with all my questions.”

Remus puts his hand on top of Sirius’s, that same strange sensation spreading again. “Thank you. Can I bother you with a question of my own?”

“Anything, Remus.”

Remus pauses, remembering Sirius’s analogy a few minutes ago. “How did you find out you were bisexual? Did you just decide one day or did something happen?”

“Hmm…” Sirius rocks side to side slightly. “Well, I believe that queer people are always queer, it just takes them figuring it out. I think I always knew that I was different. I’m different than my family in many ways, you’re aware. I’m not Slytherin, for starters, and I don’t concede to the belief that purebloods are superior. But I’ve always felt different than them in other ways. Then last summer, I saw The Beatles on one of those muggle picture things, right? And holy shit Paul McCartney. I couldn’t get him out of my mind. He was in my dreams. And I started remembering certain times as a kid when I thought guys were attractive, but I didn’t think anything of it. Eventually, I realized I could date anyone that I wanted to. And I do want to. I probably think about guys double the amount I think about girls now.”

Remus frowns slightly. “So it’s not fifty/fifty girls and guys?”

“Nope,” Sirius says, popping the ‘P.’ “Maybe for others, but for me, it’s more fluid, I guess. Every day is a bit different, you know?”

Remus shakes his head, settling deep in thought. “No, not really. I’ve never really thought of anyone before?”

“Never?”

“I don’t think so?”

“You’re probably just a late bloomer.” Sirius yawns. “Don’t worry about it too much. We have our whole lives to figure out ourselves. No sense in finding it all out in a day.”

Remus nods, trying to find comfort in those words. He doesn’t.

-

"Okay, so what's the plan again, James?"

"Okay, so most of the Slytherin prefects are in a Slytherin-only dueling club. They use Professor Hilde’s room for practice. Peter distracts the Slytherin Prefects, I will activate the firecrackers, chasing them out of the room. Hopefully, they took their cloaks off to practice, because that's when you and Sirius go in the room, while Peter and I are being chased, grab their prefect badges and charm them to say something else."

"To say what?" Remus asks, rubbing his eyes. He shouldn’t have talked to Sirius for so long last night.

"Whatever you want. Pushover or pansy, just something that starts with a 'P.' Get creative with it."

“What if we get caught?” Peter whinges. “They’ll probably hex us.”

Sirius claps Peter on the back and gives him a smile bordering on manic. “Then be sure to not get caught.”

-

Remus and Sirius hide in a broom closet across the hall from the classroom they’re targeting. It’s a small space and the two boys are rather crammed together. Remus yawns for the fourth time since waiting.

“Ow, Remus you keep elbowing me!”

“I’m sorry,” Remus grumbles, holding back another yawn. “I think we stayed up too late talking last night. I don’t know how you’re not dead on your feet.”

“Practice,” Sirius smirks at Remus.

Remus smiles back. “What, sneaking out under the cloak at ungodly hours and hunting werewolves in infirmaries?”

Sirius groans. “Oh blimey, you’re not going to let me live that down.”

“Shh, we’re supposed to be waiting for our signal.”

“Oh yes, the signal of angry Slytherin prefects running down the halls is not a loud enough signal for us to hear.”

Remus rolls his eyes. “Stop the sarcasm before I bite you.”

“Ooh, he has jokes now,” Sirius whispers.

Remus elbows him in the ribs.

Not too long later, the two boys hiding in the broom cupboard, hear firecrackers go off, followed by a bunch of shouting and stomping in the hall.

“Okay, we’re clear,” Remus says and opens the door.

Remus and Sirius run into the classroom and straight to the abandoned robes. 

"Which one is Malfoy's? I heard him call a Hufflepuff a naff. I have a special word for him."

Remus doesn’t know what that means, but as long as they get their job done in time, it doesn't matter who does who's. He points to one that has tailored silver on the cuffs. "I think his is over there, by Professor Hilde's desk."

Sirius fetches the badge from the robes and casts the spell Remus and James created for the prank. Mixing Transfigurations and Charms can be tricky, especially with the pronunciation. They both watch as the badge changes from 'Prefect' to 'Poofter.'

"It works! Come on, let's get to the others!"

Remus smiles at the raven-haired boy beside him. Sirius in his element, pranking, is intoxicating. It's as if he takes up the entire room, his energy like a magnet. They're the only two people in the room, but Remus finds himself drawn to Sirius's side. 

"Bet I can enchant more than you can, Black."

"Don't make bets you can't win, Lupin."

Remus dashes to the closest cloak and fumbles around for the badge, his fingers clumsy from the excitement, until he finally grabs it in his fist. 

"Shit!" Remus throws down the robes, cradling his hand to his body. 

"Remus? You stick yourself with the pin?"

Remus shakes his hand and takes a look at his palm. The skin is bright red, already starting to bubble up to a blister. 

"Remus?" Sirius is there, beside him. "Is that from the badge?" Sirius's long, slender fingers gently take Remus's hand, inspecting it without touching the burn. 

"It's… the badges are silver."

Realization settles over Sirius's face. "Silver burns wer- Damn, I should have thought about that."

Remus blinks in surprise. "It's not your responsibility." Remus doesn't understand the look that Sirius's face morphs into. "Seriously, I'm fine. Let's finish before they get back." 

"No, I'm taking you to the infirmary. Madam Pomfrey can heal this in two seconds."

"But the prank-"

"Damn the prank. It doesn't matter if you're sitting here in pain."

Remus's cheeks go red. He's not some weakling who needs to be coddled. "I've had worse."

That's definitely sadness on Sirius's face. Not quite pity, but more of a resigned knowledge of unfortunate facts. "I know. But that doesn't mean you deserve more. Come on."

Despite Remus not wanting to bother Madam Pomfrey about something so small, he doesn’t dare argue with Sirius. Not with that look on his friend’s face.

They're almost to the infirmary wing before Remus asks, “What about James and Peter?”

“We’ll see them at dinner.”

“But the Slytherins…” Remus trails off thinking about the curses the Slytherins could hex his other roommates with.

Sirius simply chuckles. “For anything to happen, they’d have to catch those two. My money’s always on James.”

“And Peter?”

Sirius grabs the infirmary door and gives Remus a sidewise glance that sped up his heart. “They’d have to go through James. Again, my money’s on him.”