In another universe
James ran out of that detention room as fast as he could and never looked back.
He lived happily ever after with some gnomes and ferries in the woods.
The End.
He snorted to himself.
He would prefer that to his current situation.
The problem was, everything felt wrong and hard and unmanageable and so fucking lonely.
He felt disconnected and so sad.
No wonder how long he looked at colorful things, color, never felt so colorless, so lifeless.
It’s never felt like this before.
As a kid everything was more vibrant. The same, aren’t the same anymore.
He doesn't know what he did wrong.
He fears that he can’t fix it.
So, yes, James would rather live in the woods with fairies and gnomes thank you very much.
Honestly, maybe he just needs to touch some grass.
He had been running for some time and had begun to feel quite exhausted.
The grass was wet and cold, nevertheless he let himself fall to the ground.
He closed his eyes and laid there much like a starfish.
He was touching grass and the grass was touching him, he wasn’t feeling better, just wet and cold.
He rolled his now open eyes, swung himself up and climbed a tree, the closest there was, he didn’t have the patience to search for a better one.
When he reached the top, he couldn’t keep back the tears.
He was mourning a life he once had, and the fucking cruel thing was that, objectivly his life never changed.
In another universe, he is still at the lake, playing fetch with Mareleane.
In another universe, he is still eating the freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies that his mum bakes, while laughing at a joke his dad made, sitting on the comfortable maroon (sea like smelling) sofa.
In another universe, a day doesn’t go by without a simile and a laugh that makes your ribs ache.
In another universe, I went to bed excited and woke up even more excited.
In another universe, I’m telling you my silly little stories and you laugh and look affronted at so many of them, you have a cup of green tea in one hand and in the other a cig. and we are never getting older.
In another universe, the sun shone brightly.
In another universe, the colors looked more colorful.
In another universe, living and life didn’t fill you dread.
In another universe, I never needed to say good-bye. You were never gone and I was never searching.
In another universe my parents are be proud of me.
In another universe I’m proud of myself.
James screamed, it made him shake and the leaves around him shook with him.
James cried and the sky cried with him.
It rained.
When his screams turned more into sobs, he took some deep breaths.
Thought of the things he loves. He loves many things.
Recently it's been hard to love things the way he used to. He is terrified of losing his love.
In some way it defines him, his kindness, love and compassion. He is known, amongst other things for being that kid, that person.
But he is slowly losing himself.
And who is he without it? Can he give love and happiness to others, if he can no-longer feel it? Does it come back? It feels like a part of his soul is missing. Is it a void he can fill? Can anyone fill that void?
Nostalgia is painful, so painful, if you let it be and James is letting it, it’s consuming him.
When James visits his parents house, the house he grew up it, it feels like he is having dinner with a corpse.
He knows he can survive this, he has to, it’s been like this for a year and he has survived.
It’s fucking painful but he is here.
At that he his head fall back against the tree trunk, the impact was a bit harder than expected. He let out a slow shuddering breath and looked around. This time actually taking in his surroundings, it was getting hard. He has a character to play, a sunshine, or the sun. It never used to be an act, and James feels sorry for lying to everyone, deceiving them, but he had no other option.
He climbed down the tree, on his walk back he tried to stay present and think about the lush color of the trees, the feeling of magic in the air, the fresh smell of the woods, like slight haze of the fog and slowly began to rise.
This helped for all of two seconds, those were good two seconds though.
He kicked a small branch and thought about how painful it is to be let down by yourself.
If friends let you down, you can say fuck them and you’ll find better friends, friends who you deserve and friends who deserve you.
The problem begins, when it’s yourself who left you down and that is more painful than anyone else's betrayal will be. You can’t say fuck you to yourself, well you can but that doesn’t help. You can’t escape yourself. You can change. But to change you need to escape his whole you have dug for self, the hole you have fallen into and can’t get out.
The hole that might turn into a grave if you don’t do something.
Growing up James had this legacy, you could just tell he would be great, he had that greatness inside him. He had something, and that something was addictive. Not in an egotistical sense or nepotistic way. It’s not because something was handed to him or he pushed overs down to get what they had.
No, he had something so unique, all his teachers noticed, they were his biggest fans.
They loved him, although he sometimes disrupted class, he always made everyone laugh in doing so.
He had so much appreciation and admiration from so many different people at a time he really didn't need it.
He needs it now, desperately, he needs someone to tell him he is smart, he is compassionate, he is passionate, he is loving, he is full of light, he is a hard worker.
He knows it’s pathetic to be so dependent on others' kindness. But he feels a little kindness can go such a long way, and can impact others greatly.
Maybe they got tired of telling him, they probably thought he knew he was all things things. James hoped so, the alternative is, he isn’t those things anymore. If thats the case, he doesn't think he can look into a mirror again without feeling sick and overcome with dread.
He was often told he was intelligent, now he feels dumber than a rock and is genuinely upset that they all lied to him.