Baggy robes
Regulus stared at his Quidditch robes, which lay on his bed in front of him. He slowly tilted his head from side to side.
Like every year, he wasn’t allowed to go to Diagon Alley and neither was Sirius. Walaburga always promised they would go, if they behaved.
It goes unsaid that it was impossible to keep up to her standards.
Both Black siblings were aware that they never had a chance.
Regulus would do everything he could to please her. He did more than she asked, and still he wasn’t enough for Walaburga.
Sirius had given up a long time ago. It was unlike him to be so quiet, but during the holidays he always was.
Then again, he was never himself in that house, and neither was Regulus.
It was a house, not a home.
It’s not like both Black brothers just wanted to leave Number 12 Grimmauld Place, no, they needed to. Sirius more than Regulus. He didn’t cope as well.
He was still staring at the forest green Quidditch robes. He did so because of something Barty, one of his closest friends, had said.
This year, he had asked Barty to pick up his Quidditch robes.
Regulus knew that before the school year began that he would be playing Seeker. He had promised his captain last year. Like James, Regulus was also considered a prodigy.
Unlike with James, not many people knew about his talent. Regulus had tried out for the team last year after the unhinged motherfucker that is Evan Rosier had forced him too.
He knew Regulus wanted to, and he knew he would never do it without a little push.
He had made the team but chose not to play that year, mostly because his Walaburga wouldn’t let him, she said that Quidditch would distract him from his studies. I
t was yet another reason why, this year, Regulus would play.
Barty had said: “When the letter came with your size, I thought at first you had made a mistake.”
It was a small comment that went without any further ponder on the topic. Regulus however, did ponder. Yes, the robes were a little big, a little baggy. That’s just how he likes it. He has to, he is hiding himself from the world.
Regulus Arcturus Black is trans.
He binds, he has short hair, he has a naturally deepish voice.
Regulus always wore baggy clothes, he loved them. They helped quiet down the Dysphoria that ripped through his heart every single day.
He sighed deeply. Forced his eyes away from the robes. He grabbed his things and went to the common room to leave for the Great Hall with Evan.
“There he is”, a too happy Evan said for this time of day.
The walk to the Great Hall, Regulus didn’t speak. He wasn’t really aware of his surroundings. In fact, he was surprised to find he was in the Great Hall after he blinked.
He. Evan said he. Of course, he did. He says it every day. Regulus couldn’t get enough.
He.
He has not had the privilege of hearing those pronouns directed at him many times in his life, but they have never ever felt more right.
And you know what, this scared him shitless the first time he heard it.
He doesn’t want to be different. He would give anything and everything to fit in, to grow into the body he was born with.
Don’t you understand?
He does not have a fucking choice.
When he hears people saying he does, he wants to scream until he cannot anymore. Because it is not fair, is not fucking fun, we did not choose this?
I hate myself for it.
I truly hate myself because of this.
When can’t I be the person that the world thinks I am because of my body.
Why do I have to be afraid of losing everything and everyone?
Why do I have to be scared that people will find out and want to do harm to me? Why must I fight so very hard not to hate myself in this world?
Regulus has never told anyone this, and he is deeply ashamed of himself for the fact that each time he looks at Sirius he feels so much hatred and rage.
The gender envy.
Oh, the gender envy.
He can’t help. Sirius has something that Regulus will never have, and he doesn't realize it.
It’s funny, I was set up for failure the moment I was born. And sometimes this makes me wish I never had been.
Why me? I continually ask myself.
Can I be okay with not being myself, can I be okay with the fact that every goddamn day I have to play the role of a girl, who I am not? I think these things.
Then I think how did society get it so wrong. How I am still underage and asking myself if I am okay with never being my true authentic self out of fear. I should not be asking myself these things and furthermore truly considering it heartbreaking. I feel so goddamn alone, but I know there are others out there.
Every day, I wake up angry at myself for being like this, angry for not fitting in, angry for not being the person my parents want me to be.
I am mad at the wizarding world, my voice does not reach many, I still hide in the shadows, afraid. For that I hate myself too.
Countless hours a day, I spend thinking if I could magically wake up the next morning and be cis. This has never happened. Countless hours a day I spend thinking about how fucking brilliant it would be if the world saw me, the way I see myself.
I am a boy.
From the bottom of my heart, I don’t understand why this is all such a big deal. Why do I fear everyone’s opinions and reactions when it truly shouldn’t matter? This is happening to me. Why are others so set on destroying my life? If they knew the pain I go through every fucking day because of this.
I feel ashamed.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I’ve been playing this role for too long.
The signs were always there, I always knew, even as a kid. I just didn’t want it to be true, I hoped to wake up from a nightmare.
This is a nightmare because I know how the Wizarding World will treat me once they know.
I know how my family will treat me once they know. Of course Sirius knows, so did his parents. No one else does, Walburga made sure of that.
She cast a complex confundus charm on everyone else, they all know Regulus as Regulus.
They never meet the girl.
Regulus is grateful for this, even though he knows his mother did this because she was deeply ashamed of him. It breaks his heart that Narcissa doesn't know. Regulus has a great friendship with the older witch, but recently he has been avoiding her, he is scared she’ll find out and decide he is not worth it.
It’s funny, yet it lacks all humor, the day, I realized this all isn’t going away, the day I realized this is who I am, the day I found myself.
I cried and cried and cried.
They were not happy tears. I begged that I was mistaken. But I wasn’t.
A child found out who they are and the first thing they did is cry and beg it’s not true.
How fucking sick is this. I am just a child. I know now, with it all still being a secret, that the people I grow up with will have chances and opportunities that present themselves that I could only dream off. I know that the people I grow up with will not walk around genuinely fearing for their lives because of who they are. The people I grow up with will not have to fear losing everyone and everything because the world got told who they really are.
A boy.
The envy I feel daily is just outrageous.
I always have and always will feel this way.
Why won’t the world just let me be happy?
Why don’t I get the opportunity?
Why am I automatically not enough?
Why does this define me?
I am so much more than this, but I know once everyone knows, it’s like they will know nothing else. They truly are blinded by prejudice.
If I sacrifice myself, aspects of myself, to get even a step closer to being myself. So be it. I never had a choice, did I. I cannot hide it. Don’t you get it? It takes up all my thoughts, it’s all consuming. I’ve been running my whole life, but I can't run much longer.
Knowing how I feel is one thing, yes it sucks.
But knowing other people, other children feel like this and worse.
Breaks my hurt, shatters it completely. Society has told them that they are not enough, that they are making it up, that they shouldn’t have rights. I want you to know, I see you, I feel you, I am here for you. Do not give up.
Let us show the world who we really are.
You are enough.
And I love you.
Keep your heads up.
Be proud, no matter what they say.
The Wizarding World can be a dark place, he will get his message out one day. He will let people know they aren’t alone. Not right now, but he will.
Evan nudged his shoulder, Regulus looked up. Evan had pilled food on his plate and made a face that read: Eat. Now.
Regulus grabbed the fork, and slowly began to eat his scrambled eggs. His hands were shaking.
He was once again ripped from his thoughts when he heard loud laughs from the Gryffindor table.
He looked up just in time to see, James and Sirius laughing so hard, hitting each other in the process, trying to stay seated. They didn’t for long. They landed in a heap on the floor. Which just filled the Great Hall more with their laughter, and the laughter of those around them.
Fools. Such utter fools.
The arrogant Gryffindor Chaser and his brother, being loud and annoying, as always.
Regulus rolled his eyes and got up. He would see them later in potions.
Regulus was brilliant and in potions, his own class was not nearly challenging enough, so Professor Slughorn, his Head of House, agreed to Regulus joining the fifth years.
For once in Walburgas miserable life, she sent a letter, after finding out, that sounded like she did not believe that Regulus was a worthless piece of shit.
The next few weeks, her letter was back to normal.
If they hadn’t been, Regulus would be worried someone kidnapped their mother.
Not that he would be worried, no, he would ask the kidnappers if they needed help brewing potions to kill her. And he would invite Sirius to help him. Make it a family bonding experience.
Evan got up, so did Regulus.