Memories
Ana sensed something was wrong when Severus seemed to avoid looking at her after they made love one night. They were only in the early phases of dating, if eating together once in a while in one of their quarters and making out on the couch and later in bed, which, as of late, led to sex, could be called dating. And tonight it was far less gentler than it was at the beginning, when they were both hesitant but excited at the same time to touch the other’s body, feeling everything and succumbing to pleasure. He was not seeing her at all tonight. Severus looked at her but didn’t see her. He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t seem to take notice that, although pleasurable, she couldn’t reach her peak. Severus thrusted harder and faster until his climax, hips shaking uncontrollably against her own, a silent cry of her name that came out more like a whisper from between his lips.
As she tries to come closer to him and into his embrace, Severus’ body becomes rigid. Ana darts her eyes toward his face, and he still avoids her.
"Is everything okay?"
His eyes, for the first time since they got in his bed, look into hers. "I think it’s time we put an end to this charade."
"Can I ask for a reason at least?" She starts to get up and scans the bedroom in search of her clothes.
"We will both be better off without each other. There are too many secrets between us, on both sides. "
"Do you mean the part where you’re a former death eater?"
There was panic in his gaze. How? For how long? Who? Was it Dumbledore? Lucius? Narcissa? reverberated in his brain over and over.
"I knew before I even met you, Severus. And as you can see, I am right here, willing to give you my body, my heart, my soul, all of me no matter what you used to be. There are things in my past too that I’m ashamed of and I wish were erased. " She is fully dressed now and making her way towards the bedroom door.
"Don’t make a fool of yourself, Ana. You are smarter than this, smarter than saying you knew before. It's more like you figured it out by spying on me, putting all the little pieces together. It looks like I made the right decision to end this after all. "
"It does look like it," and she exits his quarters in a hurry, not glancing back. But that one last part "... things in my past I’m ashamed of and I wish were erased." got stuck in his mind.
The next few days are spent avoiding one another, talking only when it is necessary. Severus found himself back in September. She captured every part of his unconscious thoughts: Is she well? Did she sleep last night? What is she wearing today? What is she doing now? Is she thinking of me as I do of her? and the one that played constantly on a loop "... things in my past I’m ashamed of and I wish were erased."
He finds himself one evening after dinner, going to her office and then knocking before entering.
"Miss Clearwater, Mr. Weasley, I'm not going to answer any of your questions tonight, so if you..." she turns around from the small bookshelf. "Oh, Professor Snape, may I help you with something?"
Severus takes note of her collected tone and the harsh look pointed at him. She’s trying to come up on top, he thinks. She looks like a cornered animal ready for attack if needed.
"What did you do so unbelievable that you wish it were erased?"
"So you break up and then want to know me better? If you haven’t figured it out already, you are supposed to do this the other way around. "
"Humor me this one time and answer the question. I promise I won’t bother you again if that’s what you want. "
"I’m going to make a fool of myself anyway, so why bother?"
"You know about my death eater days, and I really don’t fucking care how you got that information. All I care is that last part. You never told me anything about yourself before arriving at Hogwarts to teach. "
"And I couldn’t tell you even if I wanted to. Classified information. And you do know something. You know I used to work as an auror in the International Wizarding Police before I was put on leave for an undetermined amount of time. "
Severus starts to feel self-aware again: how he can’t even look at her knowing this conversation happened only because of him, feeling out of place and stupid for trying to smooth out what started as a fresh gulp of air and now appears to be only charred ambers.
They stare at one another in silence until Severus has enough of it and makes his way out of her office.
"I’ll go now. Have a nice evening, Professor Cromwell! " And with that, he spins around and leaves her office.
"You too, Sev!" she said, but he missed her words.
He feels her hand slipping into his and freezes in place. Seeing his wondering expression, Anastasia drops her voice to a low whisper.
"I can’t tell you, but I can show you. Watch them, throw them, I don’t care. I want to think I stopped caring at this point, but it seems I didn’t... " She releases a little bottle into his open palm and gently pushes the students out of the way as she goes to her classroom.
Severus tightly wraps his fingers around what feels like a little vial and makes his way towards the dungeon to his classroom. "Memories… She gave me tears containing her memories".
As soon as he arrives in the dungeons, he stops by his office and quickly scribbles on a piece of parchment a note requesting the pensieve from the headmaster. After securing the message on the foot of a little brown owl, he sends it to Dumbledore. It feels like an urgency to see them before she changes her mind and comes after the vial. So Severus takes it with him, putting it in a safe place inside his trousers. Patting the pocket one more time to check the existence of the vial, he goes to wait for the 5th years to arrive for the class.
It was the longest ten hours of his life. He kept patting the pocket containing the vial, glancing towards the clock, more easily annoyed than on any other day by the inaptitude of students to follow simple enough directions. He didn’t even go to eat. Severus felt that if he faced her now, before seeing what she willingly gave him, he would break the vial and alter its content. But at the same time, he wanted to see them, wanted to know more about her, but more than anything, wanted to trust her. If she already knew about his past, even just a little bit of it, and she already decided to stay, it meant half the road towards trust was made. It was now his turn to know, accept, and love her, really love her, and not just the part he met in late August and charmed his mind and soul.
The pensieve lies on his desk as he enters his office, and there is a small note just beside it. It reads: "Take care of your mind, Severus! Too many thoughts all at once need thorough filtering or else you’ll go mad. Use it wisely. Albus! "
Dumbledore believes he uses the pensieve to filter his thoughts. He breathes a sigh of relief and closes his door. He doesn’t want any company at the moment. Severus has been waiting all day for this moment to let it all be ruined by some unwanted guest.
He takes the vial out of his pocket and pours its content into the pensieve. The pensieve is disturbed and a silver light dances on its surface until it forms a single clear image. Severus approaches his face towards the image and immerses himself in the memory.
A blonde and wide-eyed teenager is packing for what looks like another school year, trunk open, bedroom devastated. An older woman, also blonde, and slightly resembling the teenager, enters the room with an expression of disgust on her face.
"I want you to be on your best behavior this year, Anastasia," the older woman says. "It’s very important to clear our name after your sister’s shame. And if anyone asks about Julia-"
"I’m supposed to say she’s dishonored and no longer a Cromwell."
"Good! One more thing, do you have any plans for after you graduate this summer? "
"I haven’t thought about it-"
"Now you do," and her mouth twists into a terrifying grin. "Mister Henry Ames took an interest in you during the last Christmas party we held at the mansion, so I took the liberty of arranging your marriage with him."
"Mother-"
"Shush, my darling, it was necessary. After your sister’s disgrace, we need to clear our name and the only way to do that is by marrying and continuing your pureblood line. "
"Why don’t you marry yourself, mother, if marriage is what you crave?" You have the path clear after you killed my father with your poisonous demeanor. "
The older woman lifts one arm and slaps Anastasia hard.
"You will get married if you want to keep presenting yourself as a Cromwell. Case closed! "
"Or what?" Ana's younger face is partly obscured by her own hand, but Severus can clearly see a bruise forming and a broken lip partially obscured by her palm. "I am your only chance at keeping your precious status intact. Just imagine having all your children blood traitors. " She grabs her trunk and makes her way towards the door. "I won’t get married to that Ames or anyone you throw my way, mother. I am even considering never marrying just to spite you. Who knows? Live and you shall know. " Giggling madly, she exits the room and the scene changes.
It is a dimly lighted space, clear enough to see that it’s inside but not detailed enough to figure out where. There is a slightly older version of Anastasia now, more mature but not quite like her present self. She sits on a chair and an old man, judging by his white, short hair and trimmed beard, sits opposite her, a table between them. Severus remembers him from the ministry party this Christmas. Like her, he was with the American delegation.
"I’m glad to inform you that you aced your examinations and you are at this moment a full-pack auror. Well done, Ana! " He starts clapping her, but she only slightly lifts the corners of her mouth in an attempt to smile, her gaze still focused on the man in front of her.
"And the real reason you asked me to meet you here, Konstantin? I don’t have all day for you now. I’m a full-pack auror after all. " She grins now with her entire mouth, but Konstantin doesn’t seem disturbed by it.
"I want you to join the International Wizarding Police. Consider this your invitation."
"I don’t believe you!"
"Whatever you say, the boss likes you and wants you on the team. He’s impressed by your results: photographic memory, high reaction speed, strong reflexes, and clear and realistic judgment. Decline if you want to. I’m not going to force the job onto you, but just for your information, he’ll pick the next prick in your year just to shove it in your face every time you get to meet him."
"Who’s next in line?" Ana’s expression is now all serious, no more childish grins.
"You know who. Donovan. "
After a small pause of thought, she responds. "I’m in. But it's because I want it and nothing more. "
"Whatever makes you sleep at night." As he leans forward to grab the pack of cigarettes on the table, the scene changes again.
There are multiple scenes now, all the same. A young woman, with Ana’s face but with different hair colors and clothes in every one of them, killing men. Some of them are dirtier works, blood and brain matter splattered on the floor. Other cleaner jobs, a small pinch with a needle that drives a bubble of air into the blood vessel that kills within hours, and syringes and gas that slowly kill the target with their toxins. Different men every time, but the same woman in each and every scene. Ana.
One scene stabilizes and Severus sees another man he recognizes: Igor Karkaroff. He’s bound to a chair, his hair hanging loose on his forehead, sweat covering his body and staining his clothes. Facing him standing is Ana, her shirt messy, her hair tied in a high ponytail. She looks more like her current version, but Severus can’t quite tell how much time passed between this scene and her arriving at Hogwarts.
"I give you one chance, much more than any of your ex partners ever had, so I’ll suggest you pay attention. Did Voldemort ever mention something about the soul, or horcruxes maybe? "
Igor just shakes his head no, a visible fear in his eyes.
"You know, Karkaroff? That’s exactly what they’ve told me too, so here’s a deal: I believe you didn’t hear Voldemort talking about such things, so for this I am going to set you free. "
"Thank you, thank you, thank you-"
"Not so fast, champ! You were tried in your absence for crimes against No-Majes, muggles, or whatever they’re called in your damn country. Killing, torturing, raping, the list goes on. "
"You, too, are a murderer; not so dissimilar after all."
In a swift move, she unsheathes a knife and holds it just below his chin.
"Look who finally found his words after all. I’ll put it in simpler words for your understanding: you were found guilty of high crimes against non-magic people, so you die. Any last words? "
"Wait! I have names: Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, Corban Yaxley-"
"You’re starting to get annoying." She gets behind him and grabs his head with her forearms, forcing it to the right in a fast move. There is a loud pop, and Igor’s head hangs limp on his neck in a weird position. So Karkaroff didn’t go into hiding, he was actually dead. She killed him.
Another scene. Konstantin and Anastasia are inside a living room lit by electricity. They sit on the couch, both smoking, both facing an electric fireplace.
"You did a great job with Igor, as always."
A powerless "Thank you!" escapes her lips.
"We’ve found the last horcrux. It was a snake. A filthy snake. "
"So I’ve heard."
"This being said, I’m afraid I have to put you off the active team."
"I’ve heard this also."
"Don’t get me wrong, Ana. The department is very satisfied with your work in the last five years. We just need more underground officers and you fit the description. You’ll keep your position, but your cases will be much less frequent, maybe one every few months or even years. In the meantime, you are going to Hogwarts in the UK to teach Muggle Studies. " He gives her a side look only to be welcomed by a deserted expression. She still refused to look at him.
"Aren’t you going to ask me why?"
"No, I’m just happy this is over." A river of tears is now free from her eyes, little by little. "I dream of them at night, of their faces they make when they die, eyes glassy, begging and begging, and I don’t want to watch them anymore." He grabs her in his arms, trying to comfort her.
"I know, child. This is the main reason you’re going on leave. "
The scene changes again and he already knows the date, August 27th last year. Severus sees you entering the Three Broomsticks behind Albus. She smiles at the memory version of himself and for the first time he observes his cold demeanor and wonders again what in Merlin’s name did you saw in him even then. The presentations are made and he now notices a slight gleam of curiosity in her eyes when she hears his name. The memory rolls to a few drinks later when Ana takes a seat beside him at the table with two fire whiskeys, one in each hand. Pushing one glass towards him, she looks him directly in the eyes as she mumbles a quiet "Severus Snape was it, right? I’m terrible with names. "
"Yes, you’re right. I wonder how you’ll survive teaching with such poor name memory. "
She straight out laughed, and he was surprised even now to hear you enjoyed his sarcasm.
"I think I’ll have to figure out some kind of system. So, ‘Severus’ is a unique name. Do you happen to know its origin? "
The scene starts to get blurry. He had reached the end of her memories. Severus gets out of the pensieve and stumbles against the furniture in his office, taking a moment to find his balance again. Anastasia knew all along who he was and what he had done, probably even read his statements when he made declarations on behalf of the Order after Voldemort’s death. And still she stayed. She got first into his mind, then into his heart, and then into his soul, and it ripped him apart to tell her to end things.
Severus started to have these intrusive thoughts where Ana didn’t deserve the trouble of having him as a lover, with the constant risk of retaliation from a former death eater and the constant stain on her reputation and life might take once they appeared in public together as a couple. But if her department ever made public the atrocities she committed in its name, she would get herself a lifelong exile from the wizarding world. She would not get into Azkaban or get killed by her people; she was a prize they collected and put on display. Having a pureblood do their dirty work must have been really exciting for them; having the power to destroy a centuries old name with a sentence, so satisfying.
There is a light knock at her door. The clock reads 1.26 A.M. and she grunts, eyes heavy with sleep. She gets out of bed, and she can’t believe her eyes once she opens the door.
"You’re not making a fool of yourself, it was I who played the clown from the beginning. I w-wa-wanted to t-o-" Severus stops talking when her soft palm meets his cheek, caressing it. He leans into the touch, unable to contain his feelings. He doesn’t want to contain them when he’s with her anymore.
"Come in, Sev. Take a deep breath and then continue. I won’t go anywhere, I promise."
Severus takes her words as gospel, and when he feels he has regained control of his stuttering, he resumes:
"I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. Deeply. I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore, and I figure this is my last chance to come clean and tell you I love you. " She freezes, eyes wide open as she processes his words. It was the first time he told her he loved her.
"Sev, I love you too, but I’m not sure you understood wha-"
"I understood, Ana. I don’t give a knut about what you did. I may not have directly participated in the torture and murder of muggles, but I was the mastermind behind some of the attacks. "
"The difference is that I could kill you with my bare hands." She giggles, and Severus’ muscles relax as the knot forming in his stomach loosens.
"The difference is that you’ll never be able to taste the poison I could give you." He raises an eyebrow, challenging her, but all he does is make her burst into a fit of laughter. They reach for one another in support when Severus combusts into a fit too. They cling to each other like children, tears and snot streaming down their faces. Ana extends her hands and wipes his face with the back of her hands, Severus mirroring her gesture. Silence dominates the room once again, and their lips are merely inches away.
"I want us to start our relationship from the beginning, not just to pretend, I want the whole deal."
"I want the whole deal too."
She smacked her lips into his, her hands now gripping clothes, not to support but to undress.
Anastasia hears his footsteps moving inside her quarters but keeps her eyes closed and her breath steady. A small thud comes from her bedside table, followed by the sound of the door clicking shut. When she finally opens her eyelids, she notices a small vial, just like the one he gave Severus the other day, and a piece of parchment that reads: "It would be only fair for you to know as much of my past as I now know about yours. See them, throw them away. The decision is yours, but the pensieve will be waiting for you on your desk nevertheless. I love you! S.S. "