it was a tuesday morning.
james had woken up to the sun shining on his face, and the birds chirping.
his eyes adjusted to the bright light coming through his partially opened curtains, and he reached for the glasses on his bedside table.
when he turned, he expected to bump into a certain red head— lily, but she wasn’t there.
in fact, no one was in the house.
usually, remus, sirius and peter would all be downstairs laughing and stealing all of his food; he heard no laughing.
weird.
james suspected maybe they all were at sirius and remus’ place, but it wouldn’t make sense as to why they wouldn’t wake him up? why lily didn’t.
confused, he got up, pulled some sweats on and a t-shirt which had been on his floor for who knows long, and headed out of their room.
the pair lived in a small cottage, lily didn’t want a giant mansion like his parents house— she said there would be too many rooms, too much space.
he slowly walked in the kitchen, expecting to see at least one person in it, but it was empty.
just a small note was on the kitchen table.
it read:
james,
gone to marlene’s, somethings wrong.
didn’t want to wake you!
remus and sirius aren’t coming today, they’re on order business, but i’m sure they’ll be in for tea. pete will be coming too i assume.
i’ll be back soon! marls seems a bit shook, so i’ll let you know what’s happening there.
see you later love.
lily xx
james set down the note, relief rushing through his body. every time nobody was in the house it made james feel anxious.
he never liked to be left alone, especially after regulus.
he’d done some bad things when alone; when he wasn’t on his meds.
lily said she’d be back soon though.
james checked his watch, the time being 10 past 11, he slept in late today.
the ink on the paper wasn’t fresh, so lily must have gone a few hours ago— she would be back soon.
and james could have company.
he sat down on the chair after making a cup of coffee, taking in the silence, before sirius apparated into james’ kitchen, making him jump and spill his coffee a little.
“jesus fucking christ pads, you scared the shit out of me!”
sirius let out a small laugh, but it slowly fell as he continued looking at james.
“james,” he began. “something— something has happened,”
james’ worry and anxiety had come back full force in that exact moment.
“what has happened pads?” james asked.
“reg—“ his voice cracked, “regulus is dead.”
james froze.
he heard nothing sirius said next.
ringing was all he heard in his ears, he felt his breaths become uneven.
regulus
regulus
regulus
reg
reggie.
sirius clearly noticed james’ distress and moved backwards. he didn’t want to upset james even more, he had no idea how to comfort people.
he thought the best bet would be lily.
so he apparated immediately.
james watched sirius apparate.
he left him.
alone
again
regulus is dead.
james felt his knees buckle and he could no longer support his weight.
he fell to the floor, gasping for air.
then the tears started. they were filling his eyes, he couldn’t see through them.
“no no no no no!” he shouted, he needed to make it stop.
make it stop.
“regulus,” he choked out as he clawed at his arms, he needed to let it out.
he felt blood being drawn from his arms and continued, eventually stopping.
then james put himself into a ball and let out a scream of pure grief. it was agonising.
all he could feel was pain, pain that festered in him. pain that would be there for as long as he lived.
at this point, he was just sobbing and screaming, desperately trying to make it stop.
bloody was gushing from were he pressed so hard on his arm.
he didn’t care.
regulus was dead.
he didn’t get to say he loved him one last time.
images of regulus flashed through his mind— then the kitchen door being flung open by someone.
james didn’t know who it was— nor did he care.
as he felt arms come around him, he leant into it.
“james!” lily said, she was clearly shocked by what james had done to himself, regulus’ death had sent him into a manic episode.
this was really really bad.
his meds had run out yesterday. she was supposed to pick them up for him today.
“oh fuck james!”
she cleaned up james’ arm, casting her patronus, telling it to get sirius now.
in a matter of seconds, sirius apparated and looked at james and lily with pure shock.
he shouldn’t have left him.
“you shouldn’t have fucking him!” she yelled, and sirius continued looking at james.
“you know you don’t fucking leave him!”
“i— i know lily! i’m sorry!” sirius began, before he was cut of by james choking and coughing.
“lily,” he said quietly.
he turned and clutched her tightly.
she held him as tightly as she could.
“shh james, it’s okay darling,”
james continued sobbing.
regulus was dead, and james will never know how brave he was in the end.
james never was whole again.
and when the 31st october 1981 came, he never cowered away, and he welcomed death as an old friend.