Skidding on the curves of your heart

Barcelona, November 2022

“There are so many people in the room and very few of them like her. If she has to tell the truth, they all look at her with accusations in their eyes. She can’t blame them, but does Alexia have to look at her like that too? Once upon a time, that cold stare would have hurt her, but now she doesn’t care anymore.

She is partly to blame and accepts it, and there she is, showing her face even though she knows that they hate her, that they would throw her out if they weren't so hurt.

-I'm so sorry, Mapi-whispers Patri.

Her only lifeline in all this. Good old Patri.

-I can't do this for long, you know?

-You don't have to do it. When you tell me, we'll leave.

Mapi nods her head. At some point or in a succession of moments, she will one day analyze it with a cool head, her life has fallen apart, chaos has taken control.

Now she limps and uses crutches, undergoes rehabilitation and physical therapy while letting the poisonous glances pass over her and trying not to let them affect her completely.

Mapi lets Ingrid into her sacred space. She didn't invite her in the first time and Ingrid didn't invade as if she respected that it wasn't her place. But now she invites her in, and she can see how the curious green eyes investigate everything they see, how the hands are dying to pick up a book or one of the many vinyls that are carefully arranged under the record player. But she doesn't. Ingrid's hands always remain suspended over some object.

-A classic woman? -the Norwegian is surprised, and Mapi doesn't understand if she is referring to music, books or decoration in general, but in the meantime, she passes her a beer.

-I enjoy the small pleasures-she replies, taking a small sip.

-Did you bring all this from Spain?

-A few things. I sent for the rest once I settled in a bit and liked living here.

So, she was planning to put down roots there and was almost on the verge of taking it away from her, that's all Ingrid can think about.

-Can you put something?

-Sure, what would you like?

-Let it be a surprise.

Mapi approaches the record player, almost touching Ingrid with her body, and looks indecisively at the records until she takes one out, and the second Pink Floyd slowly fills the room.

And they look at each other very carefully and the music has nothing to do with it, but it is a special moment without specifying what or why, only because they can't take their eyes off each other, and they breathe quickly and the distance is almost nonexistent. Before embarrassing herself by doing something like looking longingly at Ingrid's lips and the Norwegian notices, Mapi clears her throat.

-Do you want to go out on the porch? I'll bring another chair.

-Sure, I'd love to.

The sun can be seen setting around a corner and Ingrid can't help but think how nice and peaceful everything is, she can even understand why Mapi likes living there so much, staying away. However, there seems to be so much mystery surrounding the Spanish woman that even knowing what she knows about her, it seems as if there is much more information missing, as if everything important about the woman's life had been omitted in what she read online, or was it described in everything she didn't want to continue reading?

They both sit down and Freki and Geri settle down on their respective beds after seeking cuddles and caresses.

-I haven't thanked you for the camp.

-You don't have to do it-Mapi dismisses it with a wave of her hand-it's a good way to end the vacation, isn't it?

-Yes, I can't believe that these months have passed so quickly.

-You didn't go on vacation.

'Oh, what do you care? Talk about what you should talk about. Small talk isn't for you,' Mapi thinks.

-I think... I was thinking of doing it within the month, but I'm not so sure anymore.

-Before…-Mapi stops abruptly but continues with what she was going to say-I used to go to Ibiza every summer with my friends. It was great.

-Yes, I've been there quite a bit too-says Ingrid and drinks some lukewarm beer, and looks ahead-Are you not going to do it again?

-I don't think so-she says resolutely.

-Why?

-I'm not interested anymore.

-What if at some point, maybe or maybe not, we crossed paths there and never realized it?

-I guess I would remember-Mapi whispers, giving a slight shrug and looking away from her.

Does that mean anything or is it just a polite phrase? Ingrid still feels the strong attraction now with a mix of growing desire and would love to have the answer on how to continue ignoring it or dismiss it completely because it's obvious that she can't throw herself at the Spanish girl, can she? She wouldn't get anything out of it, and it's not so much that she's not her specific type anymore but more that it's been three months of knowing her and she doesn't want to screw up by going to bed with her. In case Mapi was willing, which doesn't seem like she is.

There's something that tells her not to screw all that up even if they're not friends or anything like that. They're just acquaintances and she's a good trainer for her nephews.

Instead of delaying what he wants to talk about, he does it to leave Mapi alone once and for all.

-Well…

-Yes? -Mapi clears her throat, settling into the chair.

-I wanted to talk to you about the construction. I guess you've already noticed the movement, and I'm really sorry, because it will only get worse in the coming months. There will probably be a significant pause in December and January, but right now there will be people wandering around.

-Ingrid, you don't have to apologize-Mapi snorts-this is your house and well, it's your work, your job. It's okay. It doesn't bother me that much and they don't even come by here, I'm lucky that this is the farthest part.

Mapi shows interest in the project, jokes about how much it bothered her at first and returns to her usual seriousness, but in the end, she tells Ingrid that it seems like a great project.

And the Norwegian feels like a big fool because if Mapi analyzes it carefully she will realize what a pathetic excuse she used to spend time with her about talking about something that took them two sentences.

And then, silence. A long silence. And they don't feel the need to fill it with anything. And Mapi is afraid of comfort and convenience and fidgets again; then she decides to pet Freki behind the ears to keep herself busy. For the first time, she doesn't want Ingrid to leave, she doesn't want to kick her out either, or on top of everything, she still feels like she has to.

Ingrid didn't even touch the beer but offered him another one.

'Just say no, please, and go away'

-Yes, of course-she answers instead after a pause.

Mapi goes for the beer, takes a moment to breathe deeply, and goes back out. Ingrid is beautiful, too beautiful for her own good. That's not something she doesn't already know, and in the past some beautiful women have upset her hormones, but... there's something about Ingrid that draws her in and makes her dizzy, so it's a little bit more than hormones and the awareness of her own sexuality forgotten in favor of other things like tranquility and the inner search for feeling good. It's a healthy sexual desire. And it's a little bit more than a healthy, unfulfilled sexual desire.

-It must be lovely to appreciate this every day and every night-Ingrid whispers many minutes later-I never came when Caro invited me, it seemed silly considering we were in Melhus, I thought it would be nothing special. I regret it.

Mapi hums, nodding and looking around.

-Do you still keep in touch with her regularly?

-Yes, we talked. I also regret not having ever gone to Barcelona to visit her when she invited me, or to see one of her matches.

Mapi tenses imperceptibly.

-I think Frida would be very excited now that football is taking over part of her thoughts and she feels that one day she could be a player considering that there are so many professionals-continues the black-haired without backing down from what she is going to say-and now she also knows that she can have role models. Caro, Aitana, María León.

It is inevitable for Mapi not to snort when she hears her name and shake her head mockingly.

-Are you sure they are all good references?

-Frida thinks so. She spends her time watching videos, hasn't she told you?

-She only talks about Aitana and Caro.

-But she likes to watch María León more, she wants to be a defender like her.

Mapi looks at her so bewildered and amazed and stutters a little when she speaks.

-Do…do you know? Does Frida know?

-Yes-Ingrid shrugs-we've known for a while. She wanted to see Maria Leon and find out who the great defender Caro mentioned is, and we saw you on the internet.

-But…they never told me.

-That's what I told Frid. If you don't say it, it's for a reason, so we kept it a secret.

-God, I feel so bad-Mapi pinches the bridge of her nose-lying to a little girl.

-You didn't, you just... omitted that information and you must have your reasons.

-The thing is, there's no reason, nothing important, I guess I just wanted to go unnoticed, as if anyone here would recognize me!

-That's a big reason, you know? And if you must know, Frid is still as excited as when we found out. All she can think about is that she has a star defender coaching her.

Mapi wishes she could refute the statement, confess that she used to be good and that in the last years of her career she was a shitty defender thanks to injuries and how poorly she managed her personal life. However, she refrains from saying it, as if mentioning it could break that good thing that Frida thinks of her, that Ingrid believes.

There are two people who believe that there is something good in her. As if there is a chance that the good is still a part of her.

And Ingrid's green, almost transparent gaze continues to stare at her. Green hope, is that what those eyes bring her? She shakes her head to ward off that absurd idea and puts the beer aside.

-Thanks for not mentioning it.

-It's just that... you intrigue me, you know? -Ingrid blushes and bites her lip because that's not what she wanted to say at all-you're so mysterious, like... with a lot of secrets that you don't want anyone to discover.

-Ingrid-warns Mapi.

-I'm not saying you have to tell me anything, Jesus Christ! We don't even know each other, but you give that impression.

'We don't even know each other'

That sentence is so true. They don't know each other, not very well, but Ingrid is the person who has spent the most time with her since she moved to Norway. She spends time with the children, with Gudrun. With no one else.

So, logic tells her that she likes Ingrid because she is the one she spends the most time with, and that is not even a lot of time. If it were any other woman she would be just as attracted because she has not given importance to romance for a long time and sooner or later, the body seeks a certain… release.

She sighs with relief because it's nothing more than desire. Coming to that conclusion fills her with something more than comfort, and she doesn't specify what it is. And she thinks that perhaps if she starts dating a little-a horrible idea that she doesn't like-she'll discover that any other woman could end up liking her just as much.

So, right there she decides and she's being completely impulsive: she's going to start going out more and meeting more people and forget about the crazy hallucinations with Ingrid.

But then why does she feel that she could talk to Ingrid about things that she wouldn't dare to talk to anyone else about? Everything is so contradictory.

-I…-she finally stammers after all that intense monologue in her head-I like being alone, I like living here and no one knowing who I am. It's stupid but it's what I chose.

-It's okay. I'm not asking you to open up to me, we barely know each other, you don't have to say anything. I just want you to know that with me you will continue being Maria. And with Frida too.

-I feel terrible for her.

-I repeat you: she's crazy about being the only one who knows, you're a superstar and you give her personalized training, it will be her anecdote for life!

Mapi smiles slightly.

It's not easy to open up to someone, and it's a good thing Ingrid doesn't expect or demand it because she'd be sent packing without hesitation. It's already quite an effort to invite her to your porch with a beer, and then to tell her things like you're chatting with old friends. That wouldn't happen.

The two cats apparently fell under her spectacular charm because they kept jumping on her lap and circling around demanding attention and petting. Little ruffians.

And it doesn't take much longer for Ingrid to stand up and thank them for the beers. Ones she barely touched. She probably likes beer as much as she likes coffee, and she didn't say anything.

-Thanks for the invitation too, I know you didn't want me here.

-Not…

-Okay-Ingrid shrugs-I'm a pain sometimes but at least be honest about it.

-If I invited you, it's because I wanted to do it.

Mapi says this sincerely, even though she wished for her to go away throughout the evening. That is something that is exclusively hers, something that tells her to go away and to push her away.

-Well, I believe you, but I promise that from now on I won't get in your way-the brunette winks and smiles.

-You haven't done it until now, really. If I set some limits...

-No, Maria, it's okay-Ingrid sighs-it's your house, your space, your... your life. You can relax easily, no one will know about Mapi León because of me. Ever since I met you, you've been kind, even when Mom always told me that you prefer little conversation and to stay away from everything, and even despite that, you agreed to help us with Oscar and Frida, which means more than you think, and you gave them part of your time, patience and love. So, I can never thank you enough, and I just want to give you back the peace you had before this whole project started and altered your routine in every way, so since it depends on me, I'll do everything I can to make sure you're bothered as little as possible.

Why did Mapi feel like it was a farewell, as if Ingrid was never coming back and she was saying goodbye? And why, for heaven's sake, did the idea sound terrible to her?

-Well, thank you? -is all she can think of to say, half distracted.

-No need to thank you-Ingrid snorts and tucks a lock of jet-black hair behind her ear-shall we see each other in a few days?

-Yes of course.

-I can't wait to go camping-she raises the eyebrows mockingly and Mapi can't help but find it adorable.

Ingrid waves her hand in greeting and walks away with that smile she always has on her face.

It was a nice evening. It was different. Mapi liked it, there was no awkwardness or impossible silences to fill, and it's something she hadn't thought about at all a while ago, being able to be so comfortable with another person, enough to sit next to each other on the porch with a beer in hand.

That would have to be quite revealing for anyone else, but not for Mapi who continues to hide everything away, who continues to throw it away.

♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

Well, Mapi was quite clear with Ingrid, or so the Norwegian understands, so after the enlightening talk, she decides not to go overboard or be friendlier than usual. She also doesn't want Maria to get the wrong idea or give her the impression that... well, she likes her or is attracted to her. That assumption would be correct, but she would be forever embarrassed if the Spanish girl were to notice. Or did she notice and that's why she set her limits or whatever it was?

Although she is alone in the car on the way to Karl and Ada's house, she feels herself blushing and mumbles a few insults in Norwegian.

She finds the children, packs the amount of things they are carrying for a night of camping into the trunk, and gives them a few minutes to say goodbye.

She insisted a lot to her own parents to go with them and they didn't want to. Oh, she´s sure her mother was already getting all kinds of wrong ideas by now.

Oscar is excited and jumps into the car talking about all the things he wants to do-and isn't sure he can-and Frida isn't that loud, but Ingrid knows how much he enjoys it all.

Ingrid didn't pick up the kids the rest of the week because of the amount of work at the office on other projects that slowly piled up, and besides, it was the perfect excuse to get some distance from the cabin and its attractive inhabitant.

Of course, Mapi makes it so difficult for her because can't she be a normal person who buys firewood for a bonfire? Can't she stop being so incredibly... sexy? The first thing she notices when she gets out of the car is that Mapi is chopping wood, of course she does, she does everything and makes each activity seem like something unique. Chopping wood, how hot is that? And there she is, feeling like she's about to faint, dizzy, eager for those hands to rest on her, to touch her and hold her tightly and then caress her.

Well, a nice dip in the river wouldn't hurt her. Oh, that's one of the things Oscar wants to do! And thinking about being in a bathing suit in front of Mapi or having her in a Spanish bathing suit in front of her brings out more things in her than she's already feeling.

She settles for taking a long drink of water, which gives her some time for the sensations to disappear before she approaches to say hello.

The Spanish trainer exudes something undeniably sexual and primal, and possibly that wouldn't happen if the setting were different. Ingrid is sure that seeing her every day in an office wouldn't be the same, she wouldn't look as hot or attractive. And then the idea of Mapi in a shirt and suit pants seems more striking to her and her mouth dries up despite having drunk water; and right there she cuts off her dirty thoughts.

-Is there anything you can't do? -She hopes her tone doesn't reveal how affected she is.

-Whistle-says Mapi and when Ingrid looks at her suspiciously, she shakes the head-am I serious or was it one of those questions that doesn't require an answer?

-No, I was really asking.

Mapi snorts, stacks firewood to the side, wipes her hands, and gives Frida and Oscar a big smile.

-Are we excited?

Frida surprises Mapi and Ingrid when she leans towards the Spanish woman and hugs her for a few seconds.

Mapi looks at Ingrid in surprise and then simply hugs her back. It's always been handshakes, fist bumps, the occasional kiss on the cheek, and now the little girl hugs her without reservation.

-Thank you, Coach Maria-she says with her tiny voice-you are the best.

The words Mapi are about to say get stuck in her throat. She may love her solitary existence and the peace that surrounds her, she may love not having much contact with other human beings, but there was also the other part where she loved helping those two children and their family.

-It's a pleasure, little one.

Ingrid's eyes are filled with tears, and she quickly turns to look in another direction, but not before emitting a silent thank you with her lips.

-Well- Mapi clears her throat because overly emotional moments cause strange things in the center of her chest-one of the tents is already set up but another one needs to be put up. Are there any volunteers?

Of course, the two of them raise their hands excitedly and grab some firewood and head off to where they will make their improvised camp a few meters from the cabin and looking out over the river. Ingrid follows them, feeling somewhat useless and tense about the afternoon and night ahead.

-Can we swim in the river? -Frida wants to know.

-If Ingrid lets you.

-Tante Ingrid, we brought swimsuits!

-Isn't it dangerous? -Ingrid asks Mapi, looking at the water with distrust.

-It's shallow in this part and you can always go in with them, right?

Ingrid nods, still unconvinced, and stays on the shore watching as Mapi and the children set up the tent with precision and Mapi gives them all the instructions on how to do it. She has the gift, she says.

-And you're going to help, camping genius?

Mapi making fun of her is unusual, so she raises a curious eyebrow and smiles.

-I'll make the coffee, whatever you drink, and I will bring snacks and a big dinner. Is that enough?

-I guess it's better than nothing, huh.

Ingrid notices that Mapi, for what appears to be the first time in front of the children, is wearing simple shorts that reveal her scars, and that Frida's gaze is drawn to her left knee more often than it should be. Mapi is certainly not bothered by the scrutiny, but it is still strange, and she is afraid that it will make her uncomfortable.

-I'm coming back home in a moment; do you need anything?

-No, Maria, I'm fine.

Mapi nods and walks away, followed by Ingrid's eyes. The sun is still setting, it's hot and the children want to get into the water. Of course she pleases them, but not before telling the parents that they are already having a great time.

-Come on, tante Ingrid, the water is warm-says Oscar to convince her.

But Ingrid suddenly feels shy thinking that Mapi can come back at any moment and see her in the water. And it's disconcerting because she's never had that kind of trust issues with a woman, whether she likes her or not, and now she overthinks things. She goes into one of the shops, looks for her belongings and puts on a non-revealing bathing suit because after all she's not on the beaches of Greece or Spain and comes out to get into the water and start splashing around with Oscar and Frida.

-Can we play with the ball when we go out? -the girl wants to know.

-You can, but don't you get tired of hitting the ball every day?

-No! -they both chanted, splashing her in the face.

It's been a long time since they had fun like this, none of them. Ingrid can't remember the last time she had such a good time, that she forgot about everything, including work, and just enjoyed herself freely.

When she gets tired of being in the water, she goes out in search of a towel and some sun to dry off. Mapi hasn't even come back yet and it's better, she has time to put her wet bathing suit back on and sit comfortably until the two little devils get tired too and come out with wrinkled skin.

Mapi returns almost an hour later, bringing coffee, tea and lots of sandwiches and drinks in a cooler. She also goes to please the kids by roasting marshmallows as they asked and starts lighting the fire.

-I see you had a lot of fun.

-We swam in the river and played with the ball and now we're going to eat marshmallows!

-Mmm, first we have to have dinner-says Ingrid.

-Or your parents will never leave you in our care again.

-But you cannot tell them anything-Oscar whispers.

-We'll see-Ingrid concedes, helping Mapi prepare the infusions.

Ingrid takes out one of the containers that Gudrun sent with a bunch of heart-shaped waffles and jam to go with them. The heart shape is something very common but even, so Ingrid thinks about her mother's intentions, she knows what she is doing, and she sincerely hopes that Mapi does not see it.

She hands her the container and avoids eye contact.

Mapi exclaims happily because waffles are one of her favorite things since she arrived in the country.

-At this rate, Gudrun is going to succeed in fattening me up as she surely wants-she says with the mouth full.

Mapi keeps eating, and instead of feeling full, she feels light. It's so nice to spend time like this, existing, slowly sipping tea while stuffing herself with waffles, and leaving Ingrid with her coffee and the kids with a marshmallow treat before dinner. She wanted to give them space before, so the three of them could enjoy it as a family, and she'll do the same later in the evening. This is for them.

Mapi didn't think she would like to share like that again after her chosen solitude and how much she liked it, and yet, she also liked spending time like they were spending time.

She avoids looking at Ingrid too much, although she does catch the Norwegian's gaze on her from time to time. But it's just that, some burning innocent glancesthat don't mean anything deep or important.

-Coach-says Frida with her sweet tone but looking restless.

-What's wrong, Frida?

-Do the marks on your knee hurt? -she finally asks.

Ingrid holds her breath involuntarily and is about to say something when a sign from Mapi stops her.

Mapi stops eating the sandwich and sighs, thinking about what to say.

-They don't hurt anymore because they are scars. That is to say, the wounds have healed.

-But did it hurt before? -Oscar intervenes, looking openly.

-Yes, when I got hurt. But it hurt very little, and they healed quickly, so it wasn't a big deal-Mapi dismisses indifferently, because they are little and she can't tell them the truth.

-And you don't like to show them?

-No, Frida, I really don't like anyone to see them, but can it be a big secret between the four of us? -Mapi opens her eyes wide as if they were really going to share something extremely big and precious.

-Okay-she nods pleased and joins her pinky with Mapi's, and everyone joins their pinkies, and when Mapi and Ingrid do it, the brunette has a strange look, difficult to read.

Mapi puts more marshmallows on the grill and lets the children chat and Ingrid continue to watch her. When everyone wants to lie on their backs to see the constellations in the sky, Mapi stands up with the excuse of going to check on Geri and Freki.

-Just stay a little, I know what you're trying to do-says Ingrid.

-Oh yeah? And what is it?

-Two things. Give me space with them and give yourself space.

I was basically telling her I was running away.

Mapi can't reply to that and doesn't take her amber eyes off of Ingrid's green ones. The fact that Ingrid can see that so clearly shows that she's doing a terrible job of trying to get away.

-Just a moment-she agrees.

The four of them lie on their backs against the grass, with the children in the middle, and look at the many stars crowded together, the light and dark colors mixing brilliantly. This is something Mapi does sometimes, and it gives her a little peace.

-What are those called?

-And those?

Oscar and Frida point up and ask a bunch of questions about the constellations, the names of the stars, and how they are there in the sky so close and yet so far away. And the two adults can only laugh at their incompetence in being able to answer that.

-Maybe it would have been nice to read something about it-says Ingrid.

-Now you look like the worst aunt in the world.

-And you are the worst coach.

-That's not so bad-Mapi agrees and smiles at her siblings-we could rename them, what do you think?

And then they thought that some stars were shaped like a pine tree, others looked like a bunch of balls, other stars resembled the shape of a giant star.

Everyone laughs and then falls silent as the two look at each other from their corners and quickly look away when the other discovers it.

-We humans are so tiny in the face of such immensity-murmurs Mapi-have you ever seen the northern lights? It's a dream I have yet to fulfill.

-We went once during the winter holidays-answers Ingrid without missing the emotion in Mapi's voice and the deep and thoughtful words. Where did this woman come from?

-And is it as good as it seems?

-Yes, it is a great show. I hope you can see it one day.

Mapi nods and notices the two children about to close their eyes. Ingrid says she will take them to the tent that the three of them will share and Mapi thinks there is no point in going home anymore, so she stays in front of the campfire taking it all in.

You can hear crickets, cries of other nocturnal animals, possibly an owl or a screech owl; the sound of the river comes through so clearly, like a sedative. Everything is so peaceful.

But then Ingrid comes out of the tent, searching for her with those sharp orbs, and the stillness is thrown into the fire and burned away in an instant because what Ingrid does to her, she can't put into words or give it a name.

And she doesn't like that. That's not good.