exhale
If it hadn't of been for Pandora, he never would have met Dorcas Meadows.
It's an unremarkable Thursday, in the week before Samhain (he refuses to call it Halloween), when he slides into a seat at the study table that Barty has saved him. He turns to Evan, about to question him about the homework for Charms, and stops still when he notices the fifth member at the table, a girl about a year older than them with darkly coloured skin. "...hello?"
"Hello," she says, signing as she speaks, as if she is uncertain of her words being spoken. Regulus blinks, and blinks some more when he notices a strange thing by her ear. "I'm Dorcas Meadows."
"Regulus Black," he greets, deciding the whatever it is means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things, "nice to meet you." He has no idea how to sign. Will that be an issue?
Her smile widens. "Nice to meet you," she parrots back. "I'm Pandora's tutor."
Oh, he thinks, because that makes sense. "Ah, she'll be here in a minute. She mentioned something about potions...? Apologies, I'm not too sure." Barty is watching him with unveiled interest, and Regulus knocks his elbow against his hip. "Rosi- Evan," he corrects with a sigh at the pointed eyebrow raise, "how long is Flitwick's essay?"
"Seven inches." At this, Pandora arrives, looking flustered, yelping apologies and greetings. Meadows smiles and pulls her book over to help.
At this, Regulus thinks she perhaps might be alright.
Regulus is correct. Dorcas Meadows is very, very alright. Extremely so, in fact. She's deaf in one ear (the thing is a 'hearing aid'), she's a Slytherin in the year above, and she is a fashion prodigy. She is also one of the most confident people he has ever met. He's walking with her the first time he talks to Sirius since... well, since before school, really.
"Oi, Reggie!"
It feels like his arm is about to wrench out of his socket when his brother grabs him. He stumbles to a stop and Meadows catches him before he can trip over his feet. "Regina-"
At this, Regulus reacts, moving back and away from him. "It's Regulus," he corrects, heart racing, the beat irregularly ticking up and down in a syncopated beat. "Surely you have heard?"
Sirius laughs, bright, apparently delighted to be talking to him. "Sorry, Regulus," he amends himself, smiling something stupid and falling into step with him. His obsessions - sorry, friends - follow his lead. Potter ends up behind him. The silence is thick. Something bitter and twisted slipping through his system under a cover of horror and pain.
"What do you want?"
His brother rears back, but Regulus isn't finished; he stops in the corridor, whirling around to face him. "What are you playing at?" He demands. "You've ignored me," yet won't stop staring, "you sneer at me in the corridors, you're so bloody disappointed with me, and now you have the audacity of dead naming me?" His words are hisses through clenched teeth. "How dare you?"
"I didn't know you changed your name, " Sirius snaps back, "you never told me-"
"I'm not entitled to! Besides, even without my Sorting (where I was, in fact, referred to as Regulus), mother told you about my appointments -"
"You're the one avoiding me!" He grabs his arms, looking frantic and desperate and Regulus shakes him off, stumbling back into Potter. "You're supposed to be with me, Reggie, you and I, and- and look-" he's fumbling for excuses but all he can hear is you're supposed to be with me.
Regulus steps back. Oh merlin. This is bad. This is beyond bad. This is so much worse that bad that it's barely coming out of its womb in hell.
Without waiting for a reply, he pulls free again, tugging away from Potter and Meadows and Sirius, ignoring the calls, both desperate and concerned. He can hear Pettigrew telling them to leave it, just leave it. As he rounds the corner, he comes face to face with Lupin.
"... Black?" Lupin asks, having the utter audacity to sound concerned. He bristles-
You're supposed to be with me.
"Lupin," he says, low and urgent, making Scar blink. "Lupin, this may make no sense and you cannot, you absolutely cannot tell him this but-" he inhales sharply, finding the Not Caring and dragging it up, up, up as he straightens. Calmer now, but no less urgent, he continues. "If there comes a day, and there very likely will, where Sirius is off, or you're scared, or something about him seems wrong, come to me. I've dealt with this before, I've been dealing with this for years."
Lupin blinks. "Black, what on earth are you-"
Only for Regulus to cut him off. "I know it sounds crazy, right now at least, I know, trust me when I say I know, and I hope that I'm wrong. But if I'm not, come to me. Promise me. Promise me you'll listen to your instincts and get the hell out of there."
"I- promise...?"
Regulus nods, satisfied, and steps back. "Good. Don't tell Sirius," and he's gone.
Later, Meadows finds him. "I'm not going to ask, she says carefully, "and I..." For a moment she struggles.
"I understand," she says carefully, "not being... like everyone else. It's not wrong and I'm not ashamed of it. Of being... different, I guess. Of- of not liking who," she swallows, "who I'm supposed to like. And I won't tell anyone about, about you. I wouldn't even if I... even if I wasn't... I wouldn't tell. I won't tell. Because its- it's okay, Regulus. You're okay. And... and I just- yeah. I'll support you. Even if no one else will."
Regulus swallows the lump in his throat. "I was straight when I was female, well, biologically, I mean, I guess. I didn't... stop afterwards. I'm... like you." He shifts. Delphiniums. Boldness. "Thanks, Dorcas. I'm- I'm not ready to come out, I mean I'm Regulus and that's it. But- but I guess-"
"I'm here," she murmurs. "I am here and it is okay."
White. The colour represents clarity, hope, calmness, simplicity. The colour represents Dorcas.
Yeah. Dorcas Meadows is alright.