Numb is All I Feel
I basically did the same thing for the rest of the week. I ate mostly at the Gryffindor table with Fred and George, who were becoming my best friends. My only friend in Hufflepuff was Cedric who was seeming busy but every now and then I would see him. We usually were the last to go to sleep, so we would talk in the common room at night. I stayed up so I wouldn’t have to face my dreams, he stayed up for some reason unknown to me. Those moments are when I got his full attention, throughout the day he was busy so I understood him being short with me. He was also a very private person, which I enjoyed, it meant that I didn't need to give much information about myself. My first week was kind of going quickly.
It was Thursday evening when I suddenly felt like I wasn’t on autopilot, I was walking to the dinning hall. It felt like I had just woken up, I didn’t like it. I went to dinner and saw Cedric sitting with his friends. I waved at Cedric but he didn't see me. I sit at the end of the table and ate alone, I spent most of the meal in a weird state. Both aware of my movements while also unaware of the past few weeks. I took a deep breath and tried to bring myself back to the present, I didn’t want to deal with my emotions today, let alone any day. Maybe Cedric didn't see me. Maybe he was only nice because I am new. I know he put his name in the goblet, but that couldn't be stressing him out that much yet, could it. I look up at the ceiling and take a shaking breath again, Just turn off emotions, you are fine. I look across the room at the Gryffindor table and see George, he glances over and smiles. I wave and finish eating. The banquet hall was getting antsy or maybe it was me. Why do I keep trying to act like I am fine. I am not fine. I walk quicker to get out of the main hall. Oh no, the fragile wall holding back the tidal wave was breaking. I walk to a corner away from the dining hall and lean against the wall. I slide down the wall and sit down. Against my will, tears start to form and roll down my cheeks. I should go back to my room now, I should get up and go, it's a stupid boy, why does it bother you so much. I shake my head and try to take a deep breath. You haven’t thought of home in a while, you haven't thought of dad, are you really over his death now? you are a horrible daughter. He died because you kept your mouth shut. You are not fine; you are a killer. You have been living in denial and you act like that’s okay. I hold my head and will the thoughts to go away, “Please…please…please…” I whisper as I continue to will the wall back into place. I like being in the denial stage of grief, please don't make me process this alone. I am… alone here. I don't know how long I was sitting there, but the thoughts kept coming. I usually am able to stop them before they get this bad, but sometimes they win. I wait for numbness to consume me.
I stare at the wall blankly, its only when I hear voices walking towards me that I get up and brush my robes down. I will write home when I get back to my room after I meet with George... Shit, I am late to meet George. I rush to the direction the library is at, I think. I hurry and to my surprise actually reached the library. I walk to the study corner and see George “Sorry I am so late!” George was sitting alone looking very intensely at a scroll.
“Olive,” he looked up about to make a joke but his face twisted in concern, “are you okay?” he quickly stands up and walks to me, he was about a head taller than me and was looking down at me. I blink up to him, the numbness has settled to a familiar comfort over my heart, creating a tightness in my chest.
“um.. yea? I just … got lost.” I wipe my eyes again and fake a yawn. I sit down next to where he was sitting pulling out my scrolls.
“You just look like you were… never mind. Fred is running late as well. So, we can just hang out until then?” he sits down next to me awkwardly.
“Can I ask you a question?” I look at him
“Isn’t that a question? But yea, I mean we are friends.”
“Am I…?” I stop struggling to find the words. I want to ask if I am wrong for avoiding my dad’s death, but I don’t want to make things awkward with him. I just don't want to be alone.
“Too private? Bad at pranks? Sleep deprived? Yes to all of those.” He smiles, his smile threatens to break the walls again.
“No,” I smile again, feeling some relief that he isn’t treating me weird since I obviously look like I have been crying. “It’s stupid never mind.”
“You can talk to me, you know. I care about you.” George says and makes eye contact. I look at him and smile, it was so easy with him, everything felt lighter, but that’s just the twin’s appeal. They were goofy and funny, always using magic for mischievous means, and pulling pranks. Besides, they would treat me with pity if they found out the truth.
We hear someone clear their throat and see Fred, “Am I interrupting?”
I blush and shake my head, “Hi Fred, we were just getting started.” I try to brush it off and I start to pick at my nails.
“Okay, sure you were,” Fred nudges George as he moves to sit next to George and we start to do our homework.
“You excited for quidditch tomorrow?” Fred asks. “Georgie here will score a point for you.” He messes with George’s hair.
“Considering I will be cheering for Hufflepuff I sure hope not.” George makes a dramatic gesture to him getting pierced in the heart.
“Oh how you wound me Olive.” He laughs. I sigh as I look back at homework, Why was Cedric affect me? I have only known him for a week but he was already making me confuse my feelings. He was making me feel…
“She’s cheering for Cedric, not Hufflepuff.” Fred teases me. I look at Fred quickly, Did he know I had a crush on him?
“No, why would I cheer for him?” i say a little too quickly.
“Because you have a raging crush on him, I see you fawning over him all the time.” Fred teases.
“Oh yeah, she even wrote Cedric plus Olive on her scroll.” George steps in on the teasing and I smile a bit.
“So did your age potion work?” I jab at Fred.
“No, actually George and I had to shave for the first time.” I laugh as Fred starts to recount the whole story, about how they got pass the line but were kicked on their asses and they had a full beard.
After a few hours of pretending to do homework, I yawn, “Alright Weasels, I am going to go to sleep.” I stand up and start to pack up. I was feeling slightly better since earlier but was still feeling… off. Stop feeling.
“Let me walk you back, it’s late, don’t want you to get lost.” George gets up and packs up too.
“You don’t need to walk me back” I say quickly, afraid that my walls will break and I will need to admit I am a horrible person who killed her father. “I know my way around.”
“Sure you do,” he rolls his eyes. “Besides, you never know if there will be lions.” He holds the door open as I walk through.
“You are really a good friend Georgie.” I smile and we walk down the stairs, talking about useless things. George never made me question where I stood with him, I liked that. He made feeling things not scary.
“So Olive, can I ask you a question?” He stops walking and leans on the wall.
“Yeah.” I stop walking and stare at him.
“Well, why don’t you talk about yourself?” He looks at me.
“What do you mean?” oh no, I look at him trying to not get defensive. Why do you want to know? What good is it? If you know you will treat me differently and I will have to deal with you treating me like I’m fragile. If I start talking about myself I will have to acknowledge that I am not being myself. I will have to admit that I don’t like being in autopilot, I don't like being numb. I just want to feel something that isn’t sadness or guilt. I just want to feel. I cross my arms.
“See right there, you are deflecting my question and getting defensive. I barely know about you and I want to know more, I just think that you put up a wall for some reason and you don’t like the idea of removing it.”
“What do you want to know that you don’t?”
“Like why you moved to England?” He looks at the floor. He kicks his foot out a bit and doesn’t look up.
“We left America because my mom wanted to be with her family.” I say and start to walk towards Hufflepuff.
“See, I feel like that is just a half truth.” He follows after me.
“I don't need your pity.” I say sharply. I just want to be looked at like a normal person again. We are suddenly at the door to Hufflepuff.
“I am not pitying you, what does that even mean? Why would I-“ he looks confused at me and a little frustrated.
“Well, thanks for walking me, I will see you tomorrow.” I interrupt him and turn towards the door.
“Hey Olive, um…”
“Yeah?”
“Nothing, I’m sorry, never mind.” He awkwardly backs up and leaves.
I open the door into the common room and close the door is behind me, “Hey, you okay?” I turn around and see Cedric sitting alone.
“Jeez, you scared me, why are you up so late?” I put my hand on my heart to calm down.
“I was waiting to talk to you. Are you okay? Sounded like a heavy conversation” If one more person asks me…
“Yeah I am, just a small disagreement” I force myself to answer calmly. I can feel the storm coming and I don't want Cedric or George to be collateral damage.
“If you want to talk I am here for you. I enjoy our late night talks” he smiles sheepishly at the ground.
“I like them too.” I smile and walk closer to him.
“I mean if the twins keep saying things that upset you, maybe you should reconsider your friendship with them.” Cedric looks at me. I stare back at in a little in shock. “I mean, if you don't want to open up they shouldn’t force you. I like that you are a private person.”
I blush a little. “you do?”
“Yes, it means that we can keep what we have private.” He smiles at me
“What do we have?”
“I like you, like romantically.” He walks towards me and kisses my cheek.
I blush. “I like you too.” I smile at him.
We hear footsteps walking down to the common room and he jumps away from me. I clear my throat and walk upstairs as the other person walks in. I close my door and smile, he does like me, like I like him. I let those words flow around my brain for a bit, but the weird thing is, I feel happy but only in my head. I can't feel it, all I feel is tightness in my chest.
I don't know when I fall asleep.
I am standing at Hogwarts and I can see a clashing of lights, I can hear screaming and fighting. I feel the anticipation. I hear a crash, a scream and a cry. I stand next to a body like a ghost myself, I just can't make out the face… all I see is hair…
I wake up with energy for the first time in months, quickly forgetting my dream. Since coming to Hogwarts the dream rotate between my dad's death and about the boy I haven’t met , but no matter how hard I tried, I was unable to make out who it was. I hurry downstairs eager to get my classes over with, I can't wait to watch Cedric play quidditch, and to see who is the champions, a part of me doesn’t want Cedric to do it. I meet Fred and George before class and we walk together.
“Why in such a happy mood?” Fred teases.
“No reason really,” I smile at mine and Cedric’s secret.
“Sure…” Fred looks at George, they were exchanging a whole conversation. George looked uneasy, I guess we did leave things on an awkward note before I left.
“you two know I hate it when you use your twin telepathy thingy.” I smile and start to walk backwards to look at them both. Maybe Cedric was right about them doing things that make me uncomfortable.
“We were just wondering why you are so giddy today.”
“I’m excited to watch quidditch! Also they decide the champions at dinner!” I smile and continue to walk backwards and I run into Cedric.
“Oh, I am sorry.” I smile up at him and he grabs my shoulders to straighten me out.
“So this is a habit… I am happy to keep running into you,” he smiles at me and walks past us.
“What was that about?” George says and looks at me.
“Nothing.” I smile and walk into Divination.
Professor Trelawney walks up to me, “Any new details in your dream dear?” She asked me this every day before class.
“Nope.” I sit down and pray the day that the Weasley’s ask me about the reoccurring dream never happens. During lunch the excited energy was buzzing in the dining hall. All of the students were eager for Quidditch and the champions to be named. After lunch students started to trail into the stadium to watch the quidditch match.
It all happened in a blur, Gryffindor won thanks to Harry catching the snitch. I went down to congrats Fred and George.
“Hey, good game!” I tell Fred give him a hug, “Ew, you stink.” I wave at George and give him a thumbs up as he is talking to someone else. We hadn't really had a chance to talk since last night but I wasn’t too worried.
“Well, I am going to shower in a bit, maybe you should go wish Cedric a good game” Fred wiggles his eyebrows at me and I punch his arm.
I walk over to Cedric. “Hey! Good game!” I smile.
“Thanks,” He winks and I blush, feeling good that he feels the same way. “I’ll knock on your door later tonight” he hurries away from me. I walk back to the main hall for dinner.
Dinner was filled with nervous energy. Dumbledore started to announce the Champions for the Triwizard Tournament. Victor Krum and Fleur Delacour were the champions from the other schools. The whole room was anxiously waiting to hear the Hogwarts champion would be.
“Cedric Digory!” Dumbledore calls out and my heart stops. “and Harry Potter.” There was an uproar in the hall as both Cedric and Harry walk to the front.
“We wish our champions the best of luck, the tournaments begin on next Monday!” Oh no. What if Cedric is the boy in my…? I stop the thought before it forms, filling me with dread. After the celebrations I go back to my room. I start to do my homework, not giving myself a moments break. I finish my homework fairly quickly and sit at my desk. I grab a piece of paper out and try to write to my mom.
Hi Mom,
How are you? How is gram? I miss you. I miss home, I have been keeping busy so don't worry about me! Hogwarts is good, I have made a few friends. Fred and George are my best friends, they are twins and are always so fun to be around. They are always pulling pranks and cracking jokes. George is much more reserved and quieter while Fred likes to initiate the trouble. They are a pair of pranksters and want to open their own shop!
I also might have a boyfriend, his name is Cedric, he is in my house and also a prefect, so he is responsible. Oh, by the way I’m a Hufflepuff, what house was dad in? Cedric is really nice, you would like him, he is very busy so it may be a while before you can meet him. He was also picked to play in the Triwizard Tournament, it's a dangerous game but I have faith in him.
Magic feels weird now that dad left. I know you don’t know too much about it and that dad was the wizard but still. Do you think he would be proud of me? I am doing well in my classes particularly divination! But you always knew I had a creepy thing for predicting things. Do you remember when I predicted the car crash? Yea, maybe not the best memory or gift I guess.
Either way, write me back! I love you,
Olive.
I wipe the tears from my eyes as I write the letter. I yawn as it now creeps closer to 10. I am tempted to get into bed but then I hear a knock on my door. I open the door and see Cedric, he is wearing sweat pants and a white t-shirt, his hair is slightly damp like he was just showering. “Hi” I smile.
“Hello,” he rushes into my room. “I thought we could just talk here, that way we don't get interrupted. I would invite you to my room but I know how people talk here. Just looking out for you.”
“Oh, okay. How was your day?”
“It was good, Crazy how I am the Champion for Hogwarts. Of course, Potter is too, I don't know how he got his name in. Gosh you should have heard the reporter, already asking nosey questions.” I sit down on the floor next to him. “How was your day?”
“It was good, I am keeping busy you know.” I smile and move closer to him.
“hm.” He says as he puts his arm around my shoulders.
“Yeah, I am just trying not to think about things you know. It just gets so confused up here.” I gesture to my head. “If I think too much then I get all worked up.”
“Seriously? That sounds like a lot, you should just come to me when you feel anxious. I’m sure being around the Weasley’s does not help a lot. They are always jumping around, they make me nervous that they will blow something up.”
“Oh they for sure have.” I laugh a little. “I mean they don’t really notice so it's okay.”
“Well then they aren’t good friends.” He starts to play with my hair.
“I think they are.”
He rubs his eyes, “Why are you defending those two? They are just screw ups. You were fighting with one of them the other night because he was too pushy.”
“It wasn’t that…” I look at him and he leans in and kisses me slowly. I kiss him back and then he pulls away.
I smile, “you kissed me." I say like an idiot.
"I have been wanting to do that for a while." He smiles at me
"Are you nervous about the first challenge?” I blush and look back up at him.
“No, not when I know you will be cheering me on.”
Cedric and I talked for about an hour after and then he left. Why did he think so low of the twins? Were they not good friends to me?