The little girl’s body hadn’t even hit the floor, but Gellert Grindelwald had made up his mind already. Enough was enough.
In the dark room, the candles flickered. The silence that followed had something inhuman in it.
The seconds passed. The little girl didn’t move. Gellert looked at the red-haired boy standing next to him, whose lips were moving as if he wanted to speak, but his mouth uttered no sound. The Austrian boy felt as if he was seeing, really seeing the other for the first time.
“Ich bin raus hier”, Gellert muttered to himself. I’m done here. He turned, and he walked down the stairs towards the exit door.
He didn’t run, because he didn’t need to. There was nothing in the whole world that would have made him change his mind.
“Gellert! Wait!”
Gellert was at the door when Albus Dumbledore caught his arm and held onto it. There was a note of panic in the older boy’s voice.
“Gellert. What are you doing?”
“I’ve had enough of this". Gellert looked at the long fingers still clutching his arm. He freed himself in one quick motion. "Of all of this. I’m going”. Their gazes met for a second, and in that instant Albus understood. Gellert didn't mean just for tonight. The English boy shivered.
“Wait. But… Why? You can’t. What about us, Gellert?”
“What about us?” The Austrian repeated. The words felt like poison in his mouth.
“You and me. There’s a special bond between us. We are…” Albus stepped forward and tried to take Gellert’s hand, but he withdrew.
“A bond? Like a relationship, you mean?” A dry chuckle. There were words trapped in his chest that had been screaming for release for way too long. Fear had kept them inside. But Gellert found that, suddenly, he didn't care anymore.
“This was never a relationship, Albus. A relationship is something between equals. But in this thing between us, there has always been only one person with a say - and that person is… was you”.
Gellert relished in the feeling of freedom that came from using the past tense. It felt like breathing again after breaking the surface of an ocean.
Albus’ eyes were wide open. “I… I don’t understand. Anything we did… I never forced anything… I always asked, Gellert. You always said yes”.
At that, something in Gellert’s depths started boiling. He found that now that he had torn down the dam, there was little he could do to stop the flood. Never before had he understood his own feelings so clearly.
“When we met, all I knew about intimacy was that what I desired was shameful and unreachable. You knew that. I was resigned to live my whole life as a spectator, as an outsider. And then you came. An older, confident, charismatic man, who offered to teach me all the secrets of love. Do you seriously think I could have said no?” The Austrian dug his fingernails in his palms. “You knew you were my first kiss. You knew you were my first ‘I love you’. You knew, and you acted all the same”.
The flickering candles from the room on top of the stairs were the only source of light. The furniture in the corridor was simple and bleak. A vase with a dead rose stood under the picture of an older woman with sad eyes.
“I knew you were in a vulnerable place”.
In the dim light, and with dismay written all over his face, Albus looked more similar to the portrait of his mother than he ever had.
“I had been in that position before. It had been too easy to become emotionally dependent on bad people - people that used me, and left me more fragile than ever. I wanted to protect you. The readings I guided you through, the experiments of yours I supervisioned, the spells I taught you… I wanted you to grow, to become strong, and quickly. I wanted you to stand on your own…”
“I was standing on my own!” Gellert almost shouted. He took a deep breath to steady himself.
He had imagined variations of this scene countless times. Maybe this time it was real - but it was too similar to the fantasies he pictured to himself during silent bursts of anger and sleepless nights.
“Or I was about to. It was you who kicked me back to the ground. You always give, and never accept anything in return. You make me play the role of the helpless puppy, only there to be fed, and cuddled, and taken care of. A weakling, unable to exist on his own, unfit to be of any help - this is who I see when I look at myself through your eyes. You never show any weakness, you always have a ready answer, your pride and conviction never falter…” And then Gellert could no longer stop himself. “Why did you never allow me to help you? Why did you never even allow me to try?!” he screamed. He was grateful for the darkness that hid the tear rolling down his cheek. His hands were trembling, so he hid them behind his back.
Albus Dumbledore had always been exceptionally tall, but all of a sudden he looked very small. Actually, it was as if he was shrinking more and more into himself every passing second. The English boy dug his fingers into his auburn hair and lowered his gaze to the ground.
“Everything I’ve done has always been for you”, he whispered.
In his rage, Gellert took a step forward, and Albus winced back. “Lies!” he screamed. How dare you say that? How dare you even think that? “Everything you’ve done has been for yourself. Below all the flamboyance and charisma, you’re just an angry, hurt little boy. You have been giving me everything you never received but desperately longed for. You’ve been taking care of me because others didn’t take care of you. This - all of this - is just a sick, twisted, selfish attempt at soothing your own pain!”
Tears streamed down Gellert’s face. To finally speak these things out loud - it was as if he had just jumped into a parallel reality. One where Gellert Gridenlwald was a boy courageous enough to stand up for himself, and Albus Dumbledore wasn't an invincible blessing sent from the divine.
Gellert was panting. With eyes that could have set an entire forest on fire, he looked at the boy whose lover he had been.
Albus’ cheeks were wet. His jaw was protruding, in an angry, desperate pout.
“I have loved you, and still love you. Can you at least accept this?” the English said in a raucous, sharp voice. Despite the defiance, there was a begging undertone he didn’t manage to hide.
But Gellert was ablaze. His face contorted. “You see me as a younger version of yourself, Albus. You basically admitted it earlier. You literally fell in love with your projection of yourself!" Gellert felt like he might throw up. "You’re such a narcissist, mein Gott, this is so sick…” and suddenly he didn’t know whether he was laughing or crying anymore. This is so sick, this is so sick, this is so sick… this refrain echoed in his mind like the cries of a malign ghost. Gellert slowly slid down the wall, all strength gone from him. He crouched against the door and let his head fall into his hands.
Seconds, or minutes, or hours passed. Gellert drifted into darkness, wishing oblivion would take him. This was all too much.
“Gellert”. It was just a whisper. But the boy had never been able to resist Albus’ command. He looked up.
Albus Dumbledore was kneeling in front of him, expression unreadable. They held each other’s gaze.
The older boy reached out and gripped Gellert’s chin softly but firmly. One second later, their lips met.
In an instant, Gellert melted into his touch. Albus’ kisses were always both a tender caress and an adventurous dare. The Austrian boy found himself trapped in that feeling of bliss, unable to move, afraid to break the spell. How could something be so sick and yet so beautiful at the same time? Whether it was nausea or euphoria, running through every fiber of his body, Gellert couldn’t tell. The feeling was so overwhelming he became dizzy in a matter of seconds.
And in that moment, he understood. Why had it taken him so much time to rebell? It was as if a puzzle piece had finally found his right place.
All his life, the safety and stability of the people around him had relied on his strength. He had always had to be the controlled one, the smart one, the reliable one. Always the caretaker, never the one taken care of. If he failed to bottle up his feelings, if he dared to indulge in his own needs and wants… Everything would collapse, namely his mother, and then his father with her.
Those months with Albus had been the first time in his life where he had not been allowed to be in control. He had been forced to let go, to surrender his agency. He had been forced to embrace the opposite of his nature. And he found that, secretly, he had never desired anything more. To be the opposite of who he had always been… To surrender his power, which had kept him alive for so long… Such a deliciously perverse, intoxicating thrill.
Albus’ lips were soft and godly. Just a few days before, Gellert would have wished that kiss to go on forever. Yet this time he dove into the feeling, and then swam to the surface again.
Something in him told him that it was enough. It was time. He was done having his heart in the hands of the other boy. He was done being his pet, his experiment, his creation. He needed to go out into the world and create something of his own.
He would prove Albus wrong. He would show him that he wasn’t as helpless as the older boy would have him believe. He would achieve great things - the greatest things - alone, without Albus, and demonstrate that he didn’t need him at all.
A last bit of tender pressure, then Gellert broke the kiss. Both of them were panting. Albus’ eyes were jumping all over his face, searching for an answer. Gellert’s only reply was a bitter smile. He stood.
Albus’ gaze followed him, and his expression grew more and more desperate as realization dawned.
“No, Gellert, please…” he was still kneeling on the floor, apparently too weak to stand. Gellert had never seen him beg before. The detachment that came over him was a funny feeling.
“You thought I needed you”, he spat out. “But maybe you needed me, and that’s all it ever was, between us”.
Gellert pressed down the door’s handle. The fresh air that poured onto his face smelled of freedom and endless possibilities.
He turned to Albus Dumbledore one last time. A broken look on the English’ face, his hands were trembling. “Remember my name, Albus. You'll hear it again. I’ll do great things, and show you how wrong you are about me”.
Gellert Grindelwald stepped outside, and never looked back.