Chapter 5
It was getting harder to breathe. Harry tried breathing in on the count of four, holding for seven seconds and exhaling while counting to eight. When it wasn't working, his anxiety increased. Next to him, Draco whispered soft words of nothing into his ear calmingly stroking his back, but Harry barely registered it. How much time had passed? He didn't know. The boy was shaking like a leaf in the wind, anxiety bubbling in his whole body like boiling water, fear prickling in his insides like ants running around. Harry didn't even notice his frantic leg bouncing until Draco put one hand on his thigh. "Harry, can you hear me?", he whispered. Harry focused on his boyfriend's voice and nodded. "Do you want me to bring you to Severus?", Draco urged. Harry took a deep breath and tried really hard to calm down for just a minute. "No, I just need two minutes by myself", he said and raised his hand. "Mr. Potter?", Umbridge said annoyed. "May I step out for a minute or two? I don't feel well", Harry said quietly. Umbridge looked at him judgementally, but she seemed to understand that something was wrong. Even though she despised Harry, she didn't want to cause him suffering. "You may", she simply said and Harry practically ran out of the classroom.
The black haired boy leaned his forehead against the wall. The urge to cut was getting stronger and stronger. You should do it! Your nothing. Worthless freak! Cut yourself! Harry hit the wall and bit down on his tongue, so he wouldn't scream. He turned around and slid down the wall, dropping his head on his arms. Harry wanted to cry, but no tears came out. The door to his right opened and his boyfriend stepped outside. Wordlessly, the blond sat down next to the heap of misery Harry resembled and pulled him into a hug. "Harry, please let's go to Severus. I love you more than life itself, but I don't know how I can help you. I know you want to cut yourself, but please talk to Sev. I already talked to Umbridge", Draco pleaded.
The blonde looked at his boyfriend. Harry didn't move, he just stared at the opposite wall. He was completely calm, which scared Draco. Finally, the smaller boy stood up, held out his hand for Draco to take it and let the Slytherin lead them down to the dungeons. They stopped in front the potions classroom. Class wouldn't be over for another 50 minutes, but Draco could care less right now. He strongly knocked and opened the door, still holding Harry's hand but not letting him be seen by the class.
Severus was teaching third years Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, when it knocked. His godson peeked inside. "Mr. Malfoy, is everything alright?", he said, a slight hint of worry resonating in his tone, only detectable for Draco. "There seems to be a problem with a friend of mine", Draco answered and Severus immediately understood. He gave Draco a sign to close the door and turned to his class. "I want absolute silence in here. I'm going to send one of my seventh years to watch over you. Please do try not to cause any major accident", he sternly said and strut outside. He looked around and found his godson sitting next to Harry, who had curled into a ball and was sitting against the wall. Draco held Harry's hand and let him squeeze it.
"Harry", Severus softly said, but the boy didn't react until almost a minute later. Severus kneeled down. "Sev, he had an anxiety attack and suddenly got very calm", Draco explained. "I think he is still having an anxiety attack, he's just fighting his battle inside him. Harry", Severus suddenly said firmly, "I want you to come with me!" Harry stood up, still holding his boyfriend's hand. The three of them walked down the hallways, stopping at the Slytherin common room, where Severus ordered Finnlay Preston to watch the third years in the potions classroom. When they finally stopped at Severus' quarters, the man said: "Thank you Draco, for bringing him to me. I have to ask you to leave now. I'd appreciate it if you bring down Harry's bag. He won't go back to class today." Draco swallowed and nodded. Severus saw tears in his godson's eyes, but the boy quickly let professional Malfoy-mask fall in place. He kissed Harry on the forehead and muttered: "I love you." Before Draco turned to go, he caught a movement in his peripheral vision. Harry had lifted his right arm and and moved his index finger across his forehead twice.
Severus watched as his godson swallowing back tears and tapping his index and middle finger of his left hand against his jaw twice. "What are you doing?", Severus gently asked. "It's just 'I love you' in our code. It's like sign language, but different. We invented it so we could tell each other our love if we couldn't talk...", Draco trailed off. He shrugged his shoulders and walked away. Severus didn't call after him. His godson now needed some time. The potion's master firmly put one hand on Harry's soulder and lead him into his quarters. As soon as the door closed, Harry's seemingly calm demeanor disappeared at once. The boy sank to his knees, erratically breathing, hands shaking madly. Severus immediately was at his side, kneeling down. "Harry, breathe, you can do it", he said in a calm but demanding voice.
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Harry couldn't talk. He saw Draco, he felt himself being pulled through hallways by his boyfriend. He didn't know where exactly they were going. Harry heard some words being exchanged and a black cloaked figure appeared. Severus. He had to tilt his head to see the man. When did he sit down? Soon he was walking again and stopping in front a familiar door. Draco said something. "I love you." The dark haired boy wanted to tell the same to his boyfriend, but his brain did not send the signal to his mouth, so he lifted his hand, signing the code. Draco did his sign. Harry watched his boyfriend leave. A firm hand gently pushed him through the door. The already familiar smell and sight of Severus' living quarters brought awareness back into Harry and his anxiety attack was back at full force. Somehow the teen ended up on the floor. "Harry, breathe, you can do it", he heard his teacher say, but he didn't find sense in those words. How do you breathe? It was a stupid question, which almost made him laugh. It was a surreal situation. Harry felt his palm pressed against fabric. Severus' chest. The man put his own hand on Harry's chest and together they breathed, Harry subconciously matching his breathing to his teacher's.
Strong arms wrapped around him and he was pulled into a hug. Harry was suddenly aware of the tears streaming down his face. "Wet", he quietly stated and pointed to Severus' shoulder, where his tears had formed a wet patch. "It's no problem, it'll dry", the older man reassured him. He didn't let go of the small, fragile boy in his lap. He still had his arms strongly around Harry, providing some much needed comfort. "Want...Pain", Harry choked out, not being confident with sentences at the moment. And before Severus could do something, the boy bit on his hand, so hard it drew blood. Severus took a deep breath, stood up and took Harry's hand. "Alright, we won't come far with you being like this. Come on, I have sterilised knifes in my personal laboratory", he said, pushing the feeling of guilt away.