Disaster
I want to be alone. Before the past few months happened, I would have begged the opposite. But all I want to do now is feel numb and alone and calm and free. All of this just because I wanted to stop crying, to stop panicking all the time. I feel so weak. I took the easy way out, and I can't go back now. You know, I always thought I had a strong will, one that was unbreakable. I believed that if I wanted to stop, I could do it in a heartbeat. But here I am, digging in my trunk to find my last ounce of coke. I'm shaking in need. I haven't been high since yesterday afternoon. I had really wanted to get off of it. How am I supposed to get more now? The baggie I got of it was from a party I had went to last summer. I'm not educated on druggieness. I don't know where I'm supposed to go to get more, or who I could even trust to keep their mouth shut about it. But I know I have to figure something out because there is absolutely no way I can live without it. It's a different sort of high from the acid I've tried or the heroin. This changes everything I hate about myself. Everything I've ever felt even slightly insecure about becomes something I take pride in when I get high off the cocaine. I can't lose it.
When I finally find the powder, I decide whether I feel like snorting it right now. My nose is still burning. I decide to just rub it on my gums right now, it isn't the most effective way, but it'll feel better right now. God, I am glad the dorms are empty right now. Even if someone was in here, I wouldn't stop. It's risky, but I feel so absolutely desperate at the moment. My eyes sting as I think on how I'll get more. Where do I go? I NEED it. What do I do? I am so, so stuck.
I feel the high starting to kick in. Fucking finally. I've needed this. I have a test to take tomorrow that Snape won't shut up about. I know I'm good at potions, great even. But I can't help but feel stressed when he is counting on me. If I don't get a perfect on a test, he looks shocked-disappointed. I hate it. I know he has high expectations of me, and I don't want to let him down. Sitting in front of the fire, I smile. I needed this boost of confidence. This is much better.
I hear the door click open, but I don't look to see who it is. I don't care. I see that it is Blaise now that he's walked over to me. "Hey, man. Where were you in last period?" He asks.
"None of your business. I think I'll go take a walk now. Bye." I reply, smirk plastered on my face. This is what he deserves after blatantly ignoring my attempts at friendship for several years.
I walk out of the room, not waiting for a response. After getting to the front lawn, I see Potter and Weasley chatting about. I think I'm going to tell them how I feel about them. In specific detail even. This day seriously went from a stressful, possibley-worst-day-of-my-life, to a great, magical, hopeful evening.