There she was, hidden, buried... dead.
If she was here I know exactly what she would say, sweet and gentle melodies of "It's alright, it’ll be alright" and I would listen, I would stand here and receive her confort like a command, I would focus on her voice and I would look into her eyes and I would try my best to drown in them. But she's not here.
Instead, there's a lonely tombstone.
Lily Potter
1960-1981
Loving mother, wife and friend.
As if that was enough to describe Lily, to capture the complexity of her being, or the sound of her laugh, or the smell of her hair, or the color of her eyes, or the brightness of her smile, or the amazing, fantastical human that she is- was.
A branch braking startles me with an intensity that should not be reasonable, but in my defense, I thought I was alone, everyone had left, they all said their goodbyes and walked away with tears in their eyes, I didn't, i stayed, it's been hours of staring, eyes laid on the crushed soil in a futile attempt to bring her back. I stayed, Remus kissed my cheek and said goodbye, I didn't bat an eye. Harry was crying, god I should have gone to comfort him, but James was there, he had everything under control, somehow.
Speaking of the devil, as I turn in the direction of the noise I see him walking towards me, he looks serious, he looks exhausted... he doesn't look sad.
"Thought I'd find you here" He stops next to me and his eyes fall on his wife's name "Sirius said i should check on you" his voice is as cold as his words, and suddenly I find that i am able to feel more pain.
"Good to know that's your mptivation" I know it's stupid to try and argue in a time like this, specially with James "Well i guess you’ve completed the task, you’re free to go now" I take a moment to see his face, to register if my response managed to cause any emotion whatsoever, but it stays intact, it stays dead, so I look back at her.
There was a time when I thought I would hate James, back when we were kids, when we thought we could rule the world and everyone in it, when we were sure we could have everything we ever wanted, that's when I realized, she walked into the great hall with a pile of books in her hands and a messy bun of red hair, she looked at him and she smiled, that's when I realized that I could never have her, he could. It was never fair, she was my friend before she was his, and he was my friend before he was hers, and in the end, I was alone.
I hated him. I hated him but of course I didn't, he was- is my brother.
He is the only person who could possibly understand what I'm feeling, which is why I don't understand why he doesn't feel anything at all, why he hasn't shed a single tear. It makes me angry, watching him stand upright as I fight to not fall down on my knees.
"She would hate this" he states, voice steady "Us fighting, i mean" he makes a hand gesture to point at both of us.
"We're not fighting" but it doesn't sound quite true "Are we fighting?"
"I'm not sure, this is the longest conversation we've had since she-" he stops himself before he can say it, I'm not sure if he's doing it for my sake or his own but im grateful nonetheless.
"Well you haven't exactly been particularly chatty" it comes out louder than I intended, it makes him flinch just a little, but he recovers quickly.
"You're one to talk" this is when I realize that we haven't looked at each other during this whole exchange, I turn to him and I notice his shoulders are tense, the kind of tense you get when you're holding back a good amount of screaming "You're angry at me and you won't tell me why" we fall into silence for just a couple of seconds, it feels like hours.
"You haven't cried" I whisper, part of me hopes he didn't hear, I should not be forcing this on him, I should be telling him that it’s ok to process this however he needs to, but he hasn’t cried, and it is driving me insane. Does he not care about Lily? I know for a fact that that is not true, so why hasn’t he cried?
He turns his head slowly, an expression of disbelief floods his features "What?" he asks sharply.
"I said-" i clear my throat in an act of confidence, to establish some sort of dominance in what is about to go down "You haven't cried" I spit these words like they're some sort of unspeakable crime "You haven't screamed, you haven't felt a single thing. Lily is dead and you can't even manage to shed a tear for your wife!'' I scream in his face.
I watch him transform, emotion takes over his whole body "You think I don't want to?" he screams back, and as he does tears form in the corner of his eyes “You think I don't want to throw everything away and scream my heart out for everyone to hear? That I don't want to dig through that damned grave with my own hands and bury myself with her?" he's sobbing now, cheeks covered in tears, so are mine "But i can't! I can't..." he breaks, his voice cracks, he's not angry anymore, he's in pain "Harry needs me” desperate, he sounds desperate “He lost his mother, I lost his mother and now I cannot leave him alone. So blame me if you want, blame me for her death and for your pain and for this bloody war if you must but don't you dare tell me I don’t feel!" he roughly rubs his tears away with the back of his hand.
Guilt hits me with the power of fucking train. I could never blame James for something as awful as this.
"I don't blame you, I swear I don't blame you James" I gently cup his face with my hands, his stubble is itchy, he probably hasn’t shaved since that night "I'm sorry, I'm just so angry all the time… It wasn’t fair of me to say those things" he pulls me into a hug.
"I failed her...'' he sobs into my shoulder "I couldn't protect her, I promised her I would protect her'' I run my fingers through his messy hair, he leans into my touch.
"You didn't fail her, you did everything you could" he shakes his head "You did, you tried, that's all anyone can ask for. You made her life beautiful. She loved you, and she knew how much you loved her" we're both a mess "it's alright, i'll be alright" I repeat over and over like a prayer.
We stand there.
After a while he pulls back and sniffs "Can I ask you something?" I nod "Did you ever... Did you ever tell her how you felt? about her... did you ever tell her how much you loved her" immediately I think yes- wait, I frown, i've never told him that, he could never know this.
"How did you- what are you talking about?" I admit that does sound incriminating.
"You know, I am a bit of an expert when it comes to pining after Lily" he's smiling, but it's sad, nostalgic, filled with now bittersweet memories "I recognize a fellow goner when I see one" He winks at me and I huff, unbelievable.
I shake my head and smile as well "I did" a heavy weight falls off my shoulders, I never knew I had it "Actually, I didn't, she figured it out" I giggle at the memory.
She looked beautiful that night, sitting in front of the fireplace in the common room, all cozy, wrapped around a blanket. I was next to her, quietly reading a book, or rather, trying to read, but I kept getting distracted by her, whether it was her side profile or her soft breathing I'm not sure, but she was like an enchantment.
"Are you in love with me?" direct as always. It was very sudden, but there was no tone of judgement in her voice, no disgust, no awkwardness "You don't have to answer!” she added quickly “It's just... I overheard this boys talking about you the other day, said you were cute, and one of them said that it was a shame you were a d- that you liked girls, the other asked him how did he know that and he said that you were obsessed with me" she described this with a little discomfort, clearly directed at the words used by the boys "It doesn’t really matter what they said, they’re pricks anyway, but… I don’t know, it got me thinking-”
I was trying to keep up with her words but I was terrified, I didn’t know I could feel fear like that. All I could think was oh god she knows, she knows and they know, and everyone knows.
"-maybe you do feel... a certain way about me" she looked straight into my eyes, like she was waiting for confirmation, but I couldn't move “You look at me a lot, when we’re in class, like James but… nicer and far less annoying” she was trying to joke, lighten up the mood, but I can’t laugh.
"Lily I- '' I covered my mouth and tears started to spill out my eyes with no warning whatsoever "I'm so sorry. I swear I'll leave you alone just please don't- please don't tell anyone. I'm so so sorry-" I mumbled, tripping over my own tongue in the process. Pathetic.
"what? no" she put her hands around my neck and she pulled me closer "Look at me” I obeyed “I'm not angry at you, I'm not upset. I don't ever want you to leave me alone, I just wanted to know, I wanted you to know that you can tell me anything and it'll never change anything" she kissed my forehead and pulled me into her arms, she was always so warm "You know I love you, it's just that... not in the same way you love me" I nodded slowly into her neck, I knew that.
I pulled away first.
"This is so stupid, I’m sorry for dragging you into this mess… I feel so stupid" I dried my tears with the corner of my own blancket.
"Don’t feel stupid, it's alright, it’ll be alright” She leaned her shoulder into mine “ I'm flattered honestly" I let out a short laugh, relived, happy, free "You'll move on, you'll find a beautiful and kind and funny girl that will make you feel butterflies all over your stomach and she will love you the way you deserve to be loved"
But I didn't. Well, I did, she never loved me back, I just never moved on.
"Yeah well, that sounds like something she would do, smart as she was... probably knew all the secrets in Hogwarts'' His voice pulls me back from my memories. He's right, Lily always knew more than she would tell.
I try not to be jealous of the fondness that comes with his tone, the one you can only get when you’re talking about someone you’ve shared mornings and nights with, I try and I fail. Jealousy has always been my faithful companion, I’ve grown used to it’s touch.
“You know..." I look at the ground "I was always fine with the guys that would try to woo her now and again, I was fine when she suddenly flirted back cause I knew they didn’t matter until-" I pause for a second, trying to decide whether I should say it or not "-until you" I hear him take a deep breath next to me "I was fine when you wanted to be her friend, knowing she was already mine so we would fight like it was just some silly game, who she liked better. I always won, and then, after all those years... I never thought i'd lose'' He takes my hand and I face him once again. There’s no resentment in either of us, no childish disputes "It’s over, isn't it?" neither of us has been able to say it out loud, but he nods. I squeeze his hand and I smile at him.
"You won"
It’s a privilege no other can speak of.
"She chose you"
She was smart, she only made the best decisions.
"And she loved you"
She loved you more than anything in this world. She loved you like I loved her.
"And she's gone..."
And there is nothing we can do.