James lay with his head on Regulus’ lap, eyes closed as his boyfriend carded his fingers through his hair.
Boyfriend.
James' heart fluttered even thinking the word. It was only last week that the pair defined their relationship and even now they were keeping it a secret. At first James was slightly disappointed that he wasn’t able to tell the world about their relationship. That he wasn’t able to show off his boyfriend 24/7, but he knew realistically that wasn’t an option. Regulus had told James the extra scrutiny he was under with Sirius gone and James would never want to be the reason Regulus was hurt.
James felt himself nodding off to sleep, lulled by the tune Regulus was humming.
‘What are you humming?’
‘Hmm?’ Regulus pulled his eyes away from the sky and looked down at his boyfriend.
‘That song you always hum, I’ve been meaning to ask where it’s from. I’m not familiar with it.’
Regulus reached to tuck an errant strand of hair behind James ear as he answered, ‘I learnt it from Barty.’
‘.......Barty…..’
Regulus chuckled then.
‘I know it sounds unlikely.’
And it did! It did sound unlikely! The song Regulus was humming was delicate and soft, and if there was one thing Barty Crouch Jr wasn’t, was delicate and soft. Brash, crude, slightly crazy and admittedly rather hilarious were much more apt descriptions. James couldn’t bring himself to feel bad for the incredulous expression that had found its way onto his face.
‘But Barty has his moments, he can be very sweet when he wants to be. Evan’s been good for him. Besides, he learnt the song from his mother. She would sing it for him whenever he couldn’t go to sleep, and Barty then did the same for me.’
Regulus stared at him for a few moments, nose scrunching, before asking, ‘What? Why are you staring at me like that?’
‘Like what?!’
‘Like that - all weird.’ Regulus waved his hand around slightly to convey his point.
‘I’m not looking at you weird!’
‘You are! You have this weird smile on your face!’
Now it was James' turn to laugh. He brought his hand up to rest it on Regulus’ cheek. ‘It’s nothing, I’m just glad you have such good friends.’
‘Yes well, I guess they’re half decent,’ Regulus admitted, biting back a smile.
‘What’s it called?’
‘Hmm?’
‘The song’
‘Oh yes. It’s called Soltane Ghalba. I can sing it for you if you’d like, I’ll translate bits of it for you afterwards.’
‘Please.’
James smiled and settled himself in his boyfriend’s lap. He lay there as Regulus sang. No matter how many times James had heard Regulus sing, his breath always got caught in his throat, for James had heard no sweeter sounds. If a siren sang even half as beautifully as Regulus, he could understand why sailors lost their minds for them. He closed his eyes, wishing he could remain in this moment forever.
‘Tell me what the beginning means please,’ James gently enquired.
Regulus took a moment to think and resumed playing with James’s hair.
‘It means something along the lines of,
One part of my heart tells me to go
Another part of my heart tells me to stay
My heart can not endure
What should I do without you’
‘And the chorus?’ James grasped Regulus’ hand, bringing it down to his lips, pressing kisses upon his palm.
‘You’re the king of my heart
You broke through the gates of my heart
You made a vow of companionship with me
You joined me
Now that I’m far from you in other places
I won’t give my heart to anyone as beloved as you
I’m filled with dream and desire
Oh my beautiful beloved’
‘It’s beautiful’
Regulus hummed his agreement, and the pair allowed themselves to fall into a comfortable silence.
Regulus spoke up after a few minutes, looking away from his boyfriend, staring at the sun instead.
‘You know James, when I’m with you, sometimes I feel terrified. I feel terrified because I have never let anyone come this close to my heart before. My upbringing has taught me to hide my weaknesses, to never appear vulnerable in front of anyone, and yet when I’m with you that all goes out the window. I would push you away, I would build wall after wall and you broke through them all. You were patient with me, allowed me to come to you on my own terms, never pushing for more. Despite how harsh and jaded I can be, you’re still here. I’m used to being the spare, the son that wasn’t wanted, the brother that was thrown away. And yes, I found a family in Barty, Evan, Pandora and Dorcas, but I had never felt such pure unwavering love until I met you.
You shine so fucking brightly James, you are my sun. The centre of my universe. Sometimes, sometimes life feels like a storm battering away at me, relentless, and I find myself caught up in the waves. Drowning. Sinking below the surface. But then I look for you, my sun, and I can always pull myself back up. I’ve spent so much of my life feeling like I was broken, worthless, like there was something wrong with me. The people around me have always wanted more from me. Wanted me to be someone I’m not. But with you I’m allowed to be myself. With you, I feel whole. You are the best person I know, James Potter, and if I’m allowed to exist this close to you, to the sun, then maybe I’m not as worthless as I think I am. Maybe there is a part of me that’s good.’
Regulus stopped and choked back a sob. James looked up to see his eyes shining with unshed tears. He sat up taking his boyfriend's hands into his own, tracing constellations on the back of his palms.
‘Regulus love -‘
‘- Are you familiar with Icarus James? Do you know what happened to him when he came too close to the sun.’ James squeezed Regulus’ hands. ‘ We’re not children anymore James, we can’t remain oblivious forever. We face a war, and at the end of the day, we will have to pick a side. My path was set in stone the moment I went from spare to heir. My parents will not let me leave, I will have to do what they ask of me, or both myself and Sirius could end up dead. There may be things I have to do, decisions I might make that you will not agree with. That you will hate me for. But I need you to know that I’ve always tried my hardest to be a person worthy of flying close to the sun. No matter where I end up, no matter how far our paths may stray, I want you to know that I won’t give my heart to anyone as beloved as you, you are the king of my heart. You are and always will be my sun, the centre of my universe.’
James watched as a tear slipped down Regulus’ cheek, tracing his cheekbone. He felt his heart clench, he didn’t know what to say. He slowly leant forward and captured Regulus’ lips, before resting their foreheads together.
‘Shhh let’s not talk of the future. Let’s stay in the moment forever. Sing for me again, please,’ he whispered.