Regulus Arcturus Black drowned alone. Alone in the world, he knew never loved him. Alone in a system that was always set against him. Completely and utterly alone. As he watched the light disappear as he was dragged further to the bottom, a thought crossed his mind.
Maybe he has been drowning for a long time.
The claws were ripping against him, begging for him to become one of them. He was used to that. They knew he would give in. Somehow, he always gives in.
He doesn't feel the change happening. Too numb from the chilling water. Too numb from the pain he has inflicted. He isn't sure if anyone will truly miss him. He isn't even sure if anyone will know what he did today. He had to.
He had to save Harry.
Even if the kid's existence ripped his heart to shreds, the death would haunt James forever. He never did like when James cried. It always felt like seeing all the hope and joy disappear from the world. He vowed to do everything he could to save James from pain.
In the end, did it matter?
Did his sacrifice make a difference?
Will James be able to raise his son?
Will Sirius ever get to be his godfather?
Regulus Arcturus Black felt hope for the first time since he and James ended things. Not for himself, for a little boy. For the luckiest boy in the world. The one who will be raised by the best father known to man. The one who will have a mother and father who love him. The one who will be raised like how Sirius raised him.
He never did get to say, ‘I love you too.’
He never said it when Sirius did. He couldn’t. He never knew how. As he begins to swallow water, beginning for more time, he wishes more than anything he had told him. He hopes that he knows. He hopes that he knows that he never stopped. He hates Sirius for how much he loves him.
He hates him for leaving him alone.
Alone to die at the bottom of a lake.
Alone, scared and hopeful.
He knows that these are his last moments. He can feel the water burning his lungs and how his body is taking his new form. His head is pounding as the water pressure grows.
Regulus always loved the water.
Regulus always loved James.
Funny how the things he loved killed him in the end.
***
Regulus was dreading this day. The day he met the three people causing a rift in the family. The ones who are responsible for the harsh punishments Sirius received at home. The ones that hurt his best friend and caused him to beg for their mother to stop. The three people he would always hate.
The floor felt like concrete as he dragged himself behind his older brother. Sirius was so excited to see them again. He wondered why he never was this happy to see him.
“James!” His voice boomed. Sirius was never known to use his indoor voice, but here he was different. Regulus watched as he held this boy in his arms the same way Sirius held him. He was replacing him.
The boy turned to him. His hair was an unruly mess and his glasses were falling off the bridge of his tanned nose. For a boy he has sworn to hate, he definitely is a pretty one. “You must be Regulus.” His name rolls off his tongue as if he practiced it.
He finds himself glancing at Sirius and wondering if he had told him how to pronounce it in the French way. A small smile finds its way to his lips, “Hi.” He sounds so young in comparison to the two of them.
His mother called him a blood traitor. When he looked at him, he wondered how anyone could call James Potter a traitor. There wasn't a bone in his body that was malicious.
“Want to sit with me?” James asked. He did, oh boy, did every part of him want to but he was determined to not like him. He was stealing Sirius away from the family. Away from him. He didn't want to be alone.
His worst fear was to be alone.
When Sirius noticed his internal debate, he slid his arm on his shoulder and held him close. He missed him. Sirius only ever used be this version past bedtime. He always held his head high and sat straight when mother and father were around. It's how Regulus learned to do the same. Stay silent and don't get caught. The motto of The Black Brothers. He wondered again why he was able to show this version to others so easily.
Sirius gently glided the two of them into the next compartment. There were two other boys there. He could easily tell which one was the Pettigrew and which one was the ‘filthy half-blood’. Sirius sat next to Remus easily. As if his parents hadn't beaten and cursed him all summer not to do that.
“Sirius, mum said-”
“She doesn’t control us here, Reg,” He said lightly, “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” He went on talking to the two boys. He didn't pay much attention to his little brother. He felt the rift grow wider.
James plopped himself down next to him. He doesn't remember what he said, he doesn't care. All Regulus knows is that he didn't mind it as much as he should have.
***
It has been three months since James and Regulus first kissed. It should have surprised him when James suddenly placed his lips on his in the middle of his rant.
He was explaining James’ potions homework, when all of a sudden lips met his.
He should have thrown him off. Should have pushed him away. Kicked him. Screamed at him. Anything. He never did.
He grabbed James by the shirt and leaned into him. He ran his hands through the base of his hair, twirling it through his fingers. It was softer than he imagined then. He let his forehead rest against James as they breathed. He put his everything into that kiss.
He remembers how scary it was. That someone might find out. It still was scary. He knew as soon as one person knew, then everyone knew. He knew that once Sirius knew, James would pick him. James will always pick Sirius, and Sirius will always pick James.
But it was him that James chose to lay in bed with. It was Regulus that James chose to read with by the fire. Not Sirius. Regulus would hold onto that bit of hope for as long James allowed him to.
He watched the flames engulf the wood as he felt the sunbeams shine through. The Room of Requirement gives them what they desire. Regulus and James have built a home with each other in that room.
The decorations mimicked the setup of the Gryffindor common room, but the colors weren't as bright. Everything felt like it had a touch of him. He could tell that the color of the drapes were not Gryffindor Red but James Potter Scarf Red. He could tell the bricks were not Hogwarts Tan but James Potter Coffee Tan.
James desired a home that reminded him of his safe place. Regulus desired a home that reminded him of James.
“Reg?” James asked, cutting him from his train of thoughts, “Reg? Are you okay?”
He didn't realize he was crying until James wiped a tear away. James blurred in front of him, “I don't deserve you.” He knew he sounded dumb. He knew that deep down. But somewhere deeper he needed to know that James didn't feel that way.
“Reg?” He asked carefully, shuffling so now he was almost hugging him, “Where is this coming from?”
That broke his heart. Those few words shattered a part of him. How did James Potter not see how much better he was than him? How could he not see that he deserved so much better? “I put you through Hell.” His throat started hurting from how harshly he was holding his sobs back.
“If this is Hell, I never want to go to Heaven.” James cupped his cheek, holding his head so he couldn't bury it in his knees. He moved his head lower in his eye line. Through blurred vision, he could see James was crying too.
He hated when James cried.
“You should be with someone who you can love openly,” He choked out, “My brother will hate you.” He knew these words would hurt James. He hoped they would knock the sense back in him.
Then again, James Potter was never known as reasonable, “Sirius will get over it. He loves you and me.”
He loves you. He loved you.
“I want to believe you,” He cried out, “Please, I want to believe you.”
“He does,” James said, stroking patterns into Regulus' arm gently, “He just doesn't know how to say it anymore.”
“I only make you feel miserable,” Regulus said. He knew he was grasping at straws, but he needed James to be the one to leave. To realize he was no good for him. It would make the heartbreak easier, “You’re miserable having to hide us from him.”
James took a minute to respond. Regulus closed his eyes, waiting for the words he never wanted to hear. He sighs before he hugged him. Regulus felt his breath against his neck as he mumbled, “You make me feel like I’m on fire.”
Regulus was crying again, “What if I’m the fire?” He asked him so quietly that he wasn't sure if James had heard him, “What if I’m burning you alive?”
“Then I’ll be ashes for you.”
Regulus Black swore as he kissed him. He swore that we would love him until the day he died.
***
James was pacing.
He always did this when he was mad.
He paced the entire room trying to clear his mind so that he wouldn't say something he would regret. Regulus knew this. Yet, he still pushed him.
“James?” He asked carefully, “Please just sit down, okay?”
“None of this okay,” he said harshly as he frantically turned around, “How could he just let you go back? He is the Headmaster! He knows what Sirius and you went through?”
“I don't know James! Okay? I don't know!” He said, raising his voice slightly, “All I know is I want to spend my last night here! With you! The man I lo-”
James stopped his pacing. He stopped so suddenly, his torso still lurched forward. “What?”
“I want to spend my last night here with you, James,” Regulus responded, trying to play the slip of the tongue off, “Is that such a crime?”
A smile spread across his face, “No after that. You were about to say something.”
James started walking over to him. He had a look in his eye that Regulus hadn't seen before, “The man who annoys me”
“I don't think so,” James teased as he placed his arms around his waist. Leaning in closer he whispered, “I think you love me.”
Regulus feigned annoyance, “As if I would ev-”
“-I love you too”
It was Regulus' turn to be shocked. He felt the expression on his face drop, “What?”
“Did I ever make you doubt how much I love you?” He asked. He said it as if it was the most basic question in the world. Like there was no room for doubt on how much James Potter loved him.
“Say it again,” Regulus said, leaning his forehead against his. He knew he sounded pathetic, but he couldn't find it in himself to care.
“I love you, Regulus Black,” James mumbled.
He leaned forward so that his lips would meet his. It was different this time. He was no longer kissing James Potter. He was kissing the man whom he loved. He was kissing the man who loved him back.
“Je t'aime, James.”
They spent their last night before summer together. Next year, James will be a 6th year and Regulus in 5th. He would be leaving soon. He tried to put that thought away for another time and enjoy the way James kissed him. How every time he kissed him he would whisper, “I love you.”
He held onto it like a prayer.
The next morning, they awoke with the sun. James hadn't said anything, just held him tighter.
Regulus brushed the hair out of his face and leaned in to place a kiss on his forehead, “I don't need you to save me, James.” He whispered it so softly. If he said it enough times, maybe he will convince himself. He is going back to protect James. He is doing this for him.
“I wish you would.”
He needed you then like he needs him now.
***
He had a ticking bomb on his left arm. It seared pain into his veins every time he lied to James. Every time he told him how home wasn't so bad that year. It was a constant reminder how little time they had left together. He knew James would stop loving him if he knew.
He didn’t have a choice.
He brought him to the lake in the forbidden forest. James always had a way with the creatures here. They all trusted him. It's funny how James could get everything to trust him. How Regulus trusted him to save him one day. How he kept failing at asking to be saved. It's too late now.
James kept picking up rocks he found on the banks.
Regulus could never figure out what he would do with them.
Sometimes he would throw a few in the water. Trying to skip them, but always failing. Sometimes he would put some in his pockets. Other times he would come over to Regulus and give him one.
Every time he did, he made the same joke.
He came over, got down on one knee, and would say, “One day, I’ll give you a better rock.”
The awful part was Regulus kissed him like he agreed. He would tell him how one day he would say yes. He would give him the shiniest rocks as a promise. He knew they were never going to get there, yet he let James live in the fantasy.
They were ticking bombs waiting to explode. There would be one casualty.
Regulus knew a part of him would die when James and him were done. He knew one day all he would be is a ghost of what could have been.
He doesn't want to haunt James.
***
“I can't keep fighting them,” Regulus cried out as he wrapped his arms around himself for comfort.
James was pacing around their room again. He was begging Regulus to listen to him. Regulus was so tired. So tired and done with the war that has been inflicted within his mind and soul.
“Please, come home with me,” James begged. He looked as if he was ready to get on his hands and knees.
Regulus knew deep down that this would be the last time he ever asked him. This would be the last opportunity he had to be free.
But freedom comes at a cost.
If he were to leave with James, Voldemort would find him. He would kill Regulus and James. He would find Sirius and Remus and kill them too. He couldn't do that to them.
He didn't want anyone to die.
“James, I can't,” He pleaded. He knew James would never understand.
“You're a coward, Black.” He sounded disappointed. He had never called him by just his last name before. That's all he was to James now right? Just another product of the Black family. Out to do no good because they hate everyone.
A part of him knew James was right.
He shot back with, “You used to say I was brave!” James used to say that he was brave for always going back but never giving in. He used to say he was a Griffindor at heart. That his star meant more than what meets the eye.
James looked at him. His eyes had bags under them, “That was before.”
James looked at the sleeve that was rolled up. The clear indicator of who he chose. He grimaced. It looked like it pained him to see Regulus for who he was. His voice came out fragile and small, “This is it.” He hated himself for seeming so weak, “Isn't it?”
James took a deep shaky breath, “Yes.”
All of the air in his lungs seemed to leave with that one word. He couldn't breathe without James. He said before that a part of him would die when James Potter finally left him. He never knew how true that would be until now.
Now, he feels like all the hope he has ever had is gone.
He feels empty, without his soul.
James was his soul.
“Go home,” James said.
Those two words felt like he had been stabbed in the gut.
Regulus could never go home.
James would always be his home.
***
“How dare you?” Sirius's voice boomed through the halls, “How dare you hurt him like this?”
Regulus could feel the eyes on them. He knew that's why Sirius was holding back. “What are you talking about?”
Sirius grabbed his left forearm harshly, causing a seething pain to flow throughout his body, “You know exactly what I am talking about.”
He shook out of his grip and flung his arm back. Sirius at least had the decency to look remorseful for hurting him. Without saying anything, Regulus walked towards an empty and ducked inside. He didn't look back to see if he would follow. Sirius always did.
Once inside, Regulus put a silencing charm on the room.
With a shaky breath, he said, “Alright, have your go.”
Sirius sat on the table across from him, staring in disbelief. Regulus knew he was disappointed. He whispered into the vast room, “You broke his heart, Reggie.”
It took everything Regulus not to fold. To not cry. To not scream and beg that Sirius find a way to help him. To beg that he somehow had all of the answers to Regulus' problems. To ask why he called him that.
Instead, he said, “I know.”
Sirius makes a face. He looks as if he is going to cry. He takes a few deep breaths. He always did that when he was forcing himself not to feel, “You broke mine too.”
And oh. Regulus was expecting to be yelled at. To be belittled and lectured. To be screamed at and cursed for how he not only broke James' heart but also joined the dark wizards. He expected a lot from Sirius.
He expected anything but this.
“That's us,” Regulus said, on the verge of spilling everything, “The Black Brothers. Anything we love, we break.” He had tried to smile and sound like it didn't break his heart to say that. That the expression on Sirius's face wouldn't haunt him.
Sirius cries. He never cries.
A tear rolls down his face as he asks, “You love me?”
He doesn't have it in him to go with grace. To leave his brother and to say it back. Sirius knows that's enough for him.
He would always love him.
He knew the moment he stepped out of those doors that they would probably never see each other again. He knew this might be the last time.
Regulus knew that he would miss him every day. He would miss him in his bones.
***
He feels his soul separate from his body.
Regulus Arcturus Black was never a religious man.
He believed in the universe and the science behind it.
But his soul starts to drift upwards.
Suddenly the years of pain stop.
He is at peace.
***
James Potter was staring at the stars again.
He has done this every night since he found out. He would go out onto the balcony and sit and stare. Sometimes he would talk to him. He sometimes yelled.
He vented to him as if he were still alive.
He told him about Harry. About how he knows he tried to save his child in the end.
He tells him about Lily and how she is the only one who can give him peace. How he feels like he is betraying her by forcing her to hide.
He doesn't want to hide again but if it's to save Harry he would do anything. He tells him how he would never let his sacrifice be wasted. How his efforts were not in vain.
He tells Regulus about how he loves early August. How he can see the Leo constellation better at that time of year. How he was always the heart of their lion. He slaps himself for that joke like he knows Regulus would.
He tells him that he forgives him. Forgives him for breaking his heart over and over again. How he knew it was killing him to stay and how Regulus had to kill so that James would leave. He tells him he knows.
He yells at him for leaving. He knows it's awful. He wishes someone else had sacrificed themselves. That he was still here and never left.
He tells him he's sorry. That he knows he died alone. He apologizes over and over again that he died because of him in the way he always feared.
He tells him he blames himself.
***
James Potter attends the wake the next morning. He knows that it's odd. He had told everyone that mentioned Regulus how he was dead to him.
Now he is gone and James doesn't know what to do anymore.
So he sits and cries at the empty casket, wearing the rock Regulus gave him around his neck.
He hopes wherever he is that he's okay.
He watches as his tears ricochet.