the thieving trio and their friends :)

Look, I didn't want to be a halfblood. 

If you think you might be one, my only advice can really be: run.

But if you're like me, and you weren't able to escape it... well actually, the advice stays the same.

My name is Sirius Black, I'm twelve years old and until a few months ago I went to the Academy for Prepped Young Men.

That... didn't work out? So here i am at Wellsmead, a school in upstate New York, for troubled children and whatnot. 

It's kind off routine at this point for me to get kicked out. I swear I try my best but it just never really works out, and when I say "doesn't work out", I mean it in the gravest way possible. Like in a way that says: "I've blown up a classroom by accident.". That way...

Honestly, I get it. I've always been a handful, regardless of who my parents were at the time. I'm not exactly academically gifted, nor do I think I'll ever be, since I can't even read. But mum has told me that sometimes these things get better with time. It's just that letters float when I dare to even try and they just wiggle off the page. 

But that isn't why we're here. We're here because my whole life as I knew it went off the rails.

And it all happened on a Tuesday.  

We were going on a field trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which sounds like bore, and it did start out that way. All the field trips I’ve ever had started out boring and ended… interesting?

See I don’t have the greatest track-record with field trips. They usually ended up with a teacher calling my mother and my immediate expulsion.

Like this one time we went to the American Airpower Museum. I swear I didn’t mean for the plane to take off, I just thought the buttons looked compelling!

Or that other time we went to the Buffalo Zoo. My mom told me I’m legally not allowed to discuss that anymore, but I’ll disclose it had something to do with tigers and people screaming.

So there’s that. Another field trip didn’t actually bode well for me, since the worst guy in the school, Severus Snape, had already started throwing pieces of PB&J at me and my bestfriend.

Severus should’ve been the one getting peanut butter stuck in his hair if only for his ridiculous name, but I guess he had to compensate for it somehow. He had greasy black hair and eyes that made it feel like he was sneering at you constantly. He was in desperate need of a bath and some shampoo.

At least I had James, sitting next to me in the aisle seat of the bus. If only to take some bullying credits from Severus, I’ll admit we were pretty easy targets. I was new and wearing blue nail polish, and James was a scamper boy who looked like he’d skipped a few classes. He had glasses and messy brown hair with matching brown eyes and hazel-golden center. I guess his eyes didn’t help him either. They were big and glossed over easily when Severus was on a rampage again.

Anytime someone brought up his height, he’d mutter that his mum told him all the boys in his family get their growth spurt late, which was not that believable if you hadn’t actually met some of the boys from his family. I didn’t really believe it till I met his dad, who was quite literally a giant.

Sometimes James would just not have his glasses, saying he lost them, but I knew perfectly well some kids had taken them. However, since James obviously didn’t want to talk about it, I’d just smile at him and give him his spare ones. (Entrusted to me by the lovely Euphemia Potter, James’ mum)

Meanwhile, Snape kept on throwing pieces of PB&J towards us. He knew I couldn’t do anything since principal Slughorn had put me on if-you-dare-do-anything-I’ll-do-something-worse-than-expulsion probation, which sounded to me like something I’d come back from with a sore butt.

A piece of peanut butter was thrown onto James’ glasses, and I had to do my best not to immediately turn and give Severus a wedgie and a good verbal shouting match.

“I’m going to kill him.”, I mumbled.

James tried to calm me down “It’s alright. I haven’t had peanut butter in a long time. This way I don’t start missing it.”

He dodged another piece of lunch.

“That’s it.”, I grumbled.

I jumped out of my seat, but was shoved down pretty forcefully in a mere second. For a small guy, James was really quite strong.

“Sirius, you’re already on probation. You know exactly who Slughorn will blame.” , James reminded me.

If I’d have known what was on the program of disaster for the rest of the day, I probably would have taken my chance and given Severus a good shove on the nose.

Mrs Mcgonagall was leading the tour. She was riding up front in her wheelchair, into big silent galleries, past a ton of yellow-black vases and statues that were missing noses and… other parts.

Mcgonagall was our latin teacher. I really liked Mcgonagall, she seemed stern at times, but she was always there to help and it felt like she actually cared, which, you know, doesn’t happen a lot when you’re a kid who gets into trouble often and has ADHD and dyslexia.

She always had her hair slicked back into a bun and these tiny oval glasses she’d often use to shoot some pointed looks that made you want to shrink into your seat and shut your mouth forever. Lovely woman.

A teacher isn’t usually cool, but Mcgonagall had it down. She often told us stories about cool heroes, about godly wrongdoings and tragic deaths. She managed to make the ancient Greeks and Romans interesting which is kind of awe-inspiring, since they’re, you know, ancient.

There was also this cool armour and weapons display she’d put in the classroom. Me and James once took the wooden swords after everyone had left, and Mcgonagall had gone to get tea, and started doing a super dramatic fight, where James emerged victorious and I died a tragic death, begging for my life and my children before I could release my final breath.

The second I fell down, Mcgonagall entered the classroom, apparently having watched for a while, and told us, while we scrambled to our feet, our footwork was rubbish and James’ offence stance was laughable.

Me and James just started grinning at each other, and before we knew it, Mcgonagall had joined in to show us the proper way to hold a sword.

My thoughts drifted to the memory, as I reminded myself there was a lesson going on. I forced my attention back to the present Mcgonagall who was talking about a statue we were standing in front of. I tried to listen to what she was saying about it, but because of all the people next to me talking, my brain processed it as “something, something, wine god.”

Every time I gave the chatters a deadly stare, they’d just laugh, and Mrs Umbridge would look at me scathingly.

Mrs Umbridge was a small pudgy pink figure with a frog-like face, and by my incredible luck, my algebra teacher.

She honestly could not get worse. She had to be somewhere in her 20’s, but she looked way older just because of her general demeanor. (Her general demeanor being unpleasant and annoying, as you can imagine.)

She’d immediately taken a liking to Severus, which didn’t surprise, because it takes one to know one. But she had also immediately decided to dislike me, which didn’t seem fair, I hadn’t even had time to muck something up before she’d made up her mind.

It wasn’t the first time someone thought I was evil incarnate, so I didn’t actually have to get used to it.

She also used to smile really sweetly, put on her highest pitch (octaves I didn’t know were do-able without glass shattering) and say things like, “I’m sure we’re all going to be good friends.”, and then proceed to give me and James detention for about a month.

Most of the times James didn’t even do something wrong, except snicker at the wrong moment.

At one point I told James she must’ve been sent from hell.

He turned towards me with a grave expression and said, “I think you’re absolutely right.”

Mrs Mcgonagall was talking about a stele.

Then, Snape giggled something about how the woman in the last painting had been naked.

I was done his incessant chattering, so I turned around and said,

“Would you just keep your trap shut?”

It came out louder than I wanted it to.

Everyone turned around and started laughing.

Mrs Mcgonagall coughed. “Do you have something to add mister Black?”

I don’t think a tomato could compete with the shade that had appeared on my face.

“No Mrs Mcgonagall, I’m good.”, I tried to respond smoothly.

I should’ve known that was not something to do when answering Mcgonagall because she asked, “Would you like to explain what is going on in the background of this stele?”

“Uh… it’s Kronos right? He’s eating his kids.”, I replied.

“That is correct, could you tell me, why he’s eating his children?”, she responded, clearly not satisfied.

“Uhm Kronos was the biggest god…”

“A god?”, Mcgonagall replied, clearly hinting at my wrong.

“A titan. Kronos was the king titan.”, I corrected myself.

Mcgonagall nodded, “Go on.”

“Right he was this king titan and he was afraid his kids, the gods, would take over his place. So he ate all of them. His wife didn’t really fashion having another one of her babies eaten, so she hid baby Zeus, and gave him a rock to eat instead. Later on Zeus tricked Kronos into barfing up all the other children…”, I answered.

“Ewwwwwww!”, Some of the kids next to me countered to my last sentence. “…and so all the gods fought the titans. And the gods won.”, I finished.

Somewhere on my left I heard Snape sniveling, “It’s not like we’re ever going to use this. In 10 years at a job interview, I don’t think the first question’ll be who Kronos is.”

And in sharp responce, “To paraphrase mister Snape’s fantastic question, mister Black: What indeed are you going to be using this knowledge for later in life?”, Mcgonagall asked.

“Busted”, James said.

Snape turned into a colour that made him a beautiful mix of black greasy hair and burgundy, as he hissed, “Shut up, dwarf.”

At least Snivellus was also getting scolded, it made the day brighten up a bit.

I did try to answer Mcgonagall but I didn’t have anything that sounded anywhere near coherent.

“I don’t know, Miss.”

“Aha. Well half-points to you then.”, she replied, “Zeus did indeed make the titan throw up all his other children, who, thanks to his gluttony and their godly powers, had been sitting completely undigested inside his stomach. When they got out they wanted to overthrow the titans, and they did. Now on that spectacular ending note, let’s go eat lunch.”, she finished.

Everyone went to go outside, to sit on the steps of the museum and eat their sandwiches and such.

Some kids were still clutching their stomachs after my adventurous description of the stele.

The guys were being baboons, as usual.

Me and James turned to go join the rest, when Mrs. Mcgonagall’s voice rang through the echoey room.

“Sirius, would you stay back a little while please?”

I looked at James and told him that I’d join him at lunch in a second. As he went off I turned to Mcgonagall.

“Sirius, you need to pay more attention in these lessons.”, she told me.

“I know.”

“And I need you to figure out the answer to my question earlier.”

“About Kronos?”

“About life, and how this, and your choices will affect it.”, Mcgonagall reacted with the highest sincerity.

“Oh.”

“What I teach you isn’t just something to shrug off. It is of great importance that you pay attention. It might save your life one day.”, she went on.

I thought it curious how a story about a dude who eats his children would someday save my life, but I didn’t think it wise to question Mcgonagall about it right now.

“I can and will only accept the very best of you, mister Black.”, she ended.

And the thing was, I tried my best, but I couldn’t even focus in class. And sure, all the games Mcgonagall had us play were pretty fun, and learning about sword play while she was all armoured-up could be exciting when she’d scream “Capta!” and throw a sword for you to catch, but I’m just not made for school.

I can’t properly read, and if I’m even the littlest bit tired and someone is chattering through the class, I can say no to any attention I maybe could’ve payed.

Mcgonagall was holding me to a standard I couldn’t reach. She didn’t expect me to simply be as good as everyone, which was hard enough, she wanted me to better. To be the best even.

I didn’t know how to tell her I didn’t have it in me. Especially when all these gods were messy, and had lots of names to remember.

I went on to go eat my lunch, and while Mrs. Mcgonagall went to go read her book, I descended the stairs towards James.

Snape was walking around more towards the street and kept on pestering some pigeons, even catching one just to plague it with his and his friends’ presence.

There were dark clouds rolling in, and it looked like rain and thunder. That had been happening a lot, the New York weather was so capricious lately, I wouldn’t have been suprised if a tornado would be coming soon.

“Wha shy se?”, James tried to ask through the PB&J, ironic I know, in his mouth.

I looked at him as if I hadn’t understood, which of course I had. You don’t come to be friends with James for even a few months without understanding his garbled-food-language.

After I’d rolled my eyes proficiently enough, I answered, “She wants me to try harder. But I’m already doing my best.”

It really came out more as a grumble than anything else but you know, whatever.

James sighed empathetically, and offered me one his sandwiches.

“No thanks, I’ve seen enough peanut butter and jelly for one day.”

“Can’t say I disagree with you on that one.”, James laughed.

James shoved me with his shoulder and we both burst out laughing.

It was always that easy with us, ever since we’d met 6 months ago.

In fact, It’d been so easy that when my mum came home with a worse temper than the New York weather, I confided in James the next day. And when it happened again, and again, and again, James told his mum, who very promptly had gone to collect me from my house and bring me to James’. My mother hadn’t really put up a fight, legally or physically.

After I’d left, I didn’t hear from her. I won’t say I miss her, but I wished she missed me. I do miss Reg, but the idiot wanted to stay. I wish I could've packed Reg up and took that stubborn doofus with me, but Euphemia told me later on that big things like that aren't my responsibility. I guess mom was always less hard on Reg. 

I now live with the Potters. And I couldn’t have gotten luckier.

Euphemia and Fleamont are the best parents anyone could ask for, and I didn’t even ask.

They have this unchallenged warmth about them. Effie made me cookies the first time I met her, and the four of us watched Titanic, to which I may or may not have shed a tear.

Just as James was telling me about what his dad was cooking for us tonight, Snape walked up to us.

I guess he was done messing with the smaller animals, and thought we’d be way more fun.

Snape had this really awful way of talking, where it was just a sneer, and you had to try your best to actually process what he was saying instead of hearing “Hate, hate, hate.”.

I looked up at him.

“Ah it’s the charity case and his little boyfriend. Don’t your parents care that you live with vermin like Potter now, Black?”, he said while curling his lip.

“James is actually quite lovely Snivellus. At least his house has shampoo, something you very clearly seem to be lacking.”, I retorted.

James had to choke back a laugh, but failed most terribly.

“You really think that’s hilarious Potter?”, Snape demanded, “Let’s see how you feel about this.”.

Snape dumped his lunch on James.

Only this time it wasn’t a sandwich.

A cup full of yoghurt exploded on James’ shirt.

It was James’ favourite shirt.

I knew I was on probation.

I knew I shouldn’t have.

Before I knew it Snape was in the fountain, and screaming his lungs out, “He pushed me!!!”.

His friends were a mix of being concerned and laughing their asses off.

The other people next to us were whispering, “It was as if it picked him up…”, “That was so weird.”.

As if waiting for this moment all along, Mrs Umbridge appeared next to me.

Of course she’d missed the part where yoghurt annihilated James’ clothes, but when I needed scolding, she was always willing.

“Hello kitten”, she soothed Snape as she helped him out of the fountain, who did, indeed, look like a drenched kitten.

After she’d done her teacherly duties, and promised Snape some clothes from the giftshop, it was time to chastice me.

As she got ready to lay it on me, I saw a gleam in her eye that was weirdly glad. Like she had waited for this moment for years.

“Now, kitten-“, she started.

“Yes I know, I’ll be cleaning out cupboards till spring.”, I complained.

She did not like that response.

“You will come with me. Right now.”, her shrill voice announced.

“Wait! It was me, I pushed him!”, James jumped in.

Not that I didn’t appreciate it, but James was terrified of Umbridge, so it was kind off atypical.

“I don’t think so, mister Potter.”, she responded pointedly, “Now come on, Sirius.”

“But-“

“Mister Potter, I’d advise you to be quiet now.”

As she started into a strut I looked back at James, who was sending panicky looks at Mrs Mcgonagall, who was deeply entranced in her book, and didn’t seem to notice.

Snivellus smirked at me as I looked back, and if I hadn’t been in enough trouble as it was, I might’ve chosen to wipe it off his face.

As I turned to go up the stairs, where Umbridge had gone, she was suddenly at the top.

I could’ve sworn she was just next to me a second ago. I must’ve been seeing things.

So I decided to just follow her.

With my ADHD, things like this could happen sometimes, some weird time-thing, where it goes by either quicker or slower than I register. But somehow it didn’t feel like that this time.

I thought we’d only go into the entrance of the museum for a proper scolding away from spectators, but I should’ve known she wasn’t letting me off that easily.

As being alone with a teacher is already pretty awkward, imagine stalking through a museum in total silence for five minutes with someone leading you, who’s buzzing with excitement to give you a talking to. That, is awkward.

We kept on going deeper into the museum.

Before I knew it, we were back in the old Greek section and in front of those same yellow-black vases. Except now the entire hall was empty of people.

Umbridge was standing up ahead, near this old pillar. A weird sort of growling noise came out of her throat. Almost like the tympanum was causing her mental harm.

“You’re a lot of trouble for us, did you know?”, She hissed.

“Yes, ma’am.”, I responded placable. 

She took off her puffy pink vest. “Did you think you could get away with it?”

She turned around and this time her gaze wasn’t simply spiteful.

It was evil.

“I- I’ll try harder next time, I promise.”

Thunder shook the building.

“We are not idiots, Sirius Black.”, Umbridge growled, “We were always going to find you out. If you confess now, we might spare you some pain.”

She truly had lost it now.

And I was starting to think I had too.

All I could think of was that maybe she’d found out that I hadn’t really read Catcher in the Rye for my essay, and just copied of James. Or maybe the poster of that cool movie I’d hung up in the bathroom at school. But none of these seemed to be her subject of intrigue.

“So?”, she interrogated.

I started stumbling, “Uh- I- don’t know.”

“Time’s run out, kitten.”, she shrilled.

Then things really went to shit.

Where Mrs Umbridge’s eyes had been brown, they’d now turned into objects of glowing coal. Her skin had changed from a soft pink to black scales and huge black leathery spikey wings had started to sprout from her back. Out of her mouth came a mustard-yellow foam-like substance that I didn’t want to look at, even less so touch. The foam would have been undistinguishable from her teeth, if her teeth hadn’t been just a tiny shade more orange. Her finger had gotten worryingly long, just as her nails.

She wasn’t human anymore.

In her place was a terrifying grandma like figure, only she wouldn’t be eating cake and cookies, but she did look at me like a tasty treat.

As if it wasn’t already crazy enough, things escalated further.

Mcgonagall, who had just been eating a sandwich and reading her book outside, suddenly appeared in the doorway.

She was holding a pen.

I was frozen to the spot like a banana popsicle that never gets chosen.

As Umbridge began to run towards me, I heard Mrs Mcgonagall screaming, “Capta!”.

Before I knew it, I was holding the pen.

Umbrige kept on going for me, and I wasn’t much of a match standing with a ballpoint pen.

In a hopeless attempt at not perishing in a proper terrible way, I clicked the back of the ballpoint pen.

In a blink, I was holding a bronze sword.

The same one Mcgonagall had always used in class.

Umbridge was getting dangerously close now, and I had no desire to face the foam in her mouth up close, or to have those orange teeth set a mark on my arm.

However, the look in her eyes told me she would be glad to.

“Ready to die, kitten?”, she snarled.

Then she flew right at me.

I wasn’t ready to die, so in some semblance of courage, I waved the sword in her general direction, only this time fear drove me to do so quite aggressively.

With a hiss and a clang of metal, Mrs Umbridge dissolved.

Like dust twirling up from a bookshelf that hadn’t been touched in years. Maybe like my bookshelf, looking back on it.

She left an echo of her scream and a smell like suplhur, perhaps the yellow stuff on the ground was a remnant of her mouth-foam.

She was gone, but I could still feel her eyes burning on me.

The hall was empty.

I was holding a pen.

Mcgonagall was nowhere to be seen.

My legs felt like they were made of jelly and I tried to collect my thoughts. I came to the conclusion that I needed to find someone, anyone, to help me figure this out.

I ran out of the hall of nightmares and continued on a steady pace, until I finally got to the front of the museum again.

It was raining now.

I spotted James, but before I could make my way to him, Snape bumped into my shoulder.

“I hope Mrs Smith really chewed you out. Would serve you right.”, he smirked.

“Why don’t you go fu-, wait what? Mrs Smith?”, I said.

“Yeah, our algebra teacher? I knew you were dumb, but this is getting out of hand, Black.”, he returned.

Before he could go on, I dashed towards James. He didn’t even have time to turn around properly before I flew at his neck. “Oh thank god, James.”, I almost sniffled. I released him before saying, “James I think Mrs Umbridge really was a demon from hell.”

James looked me in the eye and said, “Sirius, who is Mrs Umbridge?”

I didn’t get the joke.

“Please save your wit for when I’m not on the verge of tears.”, I replied.

James looked at me as if I was crazy, but I’d noticed the grimace he’d tried to hide just before.

“I’m not joking. I’m sorry, I don’t know who you’re talking about.”, he said.

“James come on, she’s our algebra teacher!”

“Our algebra teacher is Mrs Smith.” James looked dead-serious, but he didn’t meet my eyes.

Had I imagined it? It had sure felt real, and I could still feel the sulphurous air from the battle in my nose. I was as confused as I’d ever been, and that really is a statement if you’ve seen me in calculus. What was going on here?

I cleared my throat and wiped away any tears that may have tried to well over.

“I’ll be right back.”, I mumbled.

Thunder boomed again.

I walked towards Mcgonagall. She had to know. She’d been there. I felt like I was going insane.

As I approached, she seemed to be reading again.

Before I could phrase my question she said, “Ah, thank you for bringing back my pen, mister Black. Next time it would be nice of you to bring your own, so you can actually take notes.”

I hadn’t even realized I still had the pen.

The pen that was actually a sword.

I was clutching it in my right hand like it was my last lifeline.

“Right. Here.”, I handed it over.

Mcgonagall looked like she was just going right back to reading.

“I’m sorry, but what just happened with Mrs Umbridge? The algebra teacher? She- she turned into dust…?”, I asked.

“Sirius, are you allright? I haven’t heard about a Mrs Umbridge before, and she’s surely never taught at Wellsmead.”