Chapter Twenty One
Breathe air you’re not used to
Tread floors, you don’t fall through
The day came around quickly. Sirius headed out early to meet Harry, in order to guide him back to their hiding spot in animagus form.
Watching from the spot they'd found above Hogsmeade, Remus was alone for the first time in a while. He felt suddenly nervous. What would Harry think of the two of them living together, alongside Buckbeak, in this strange set up? But there was no time to rethink because there was Sirius, bounding joyfully over the rocks, with three tired looking teenagers in tow. As he reached the edge of the cave, Sirius turned back, transforming back into a human as he did, and embraced Harry in a fierce hug. Harry. Remus stepped out of the cave, and opened his arms. Harry had grown an inch, Remus was sure of it, and his hair was getting too long. It was almost like Sirius’s, he thought fondly.
Remus invited them in, greeting Ron and Hermione too, and waiting a moment for each of them to bow to Buckbeak before continuing. Between the three of them, they’d brought a large selection of food.
“Excellent” Said Sirius, digging right in and tossing scraps now and then to Buckbeak. He loaded up a second plate and thrust it towards Remus, apparently not trusting that he would feed himself properly. “Here, Moony, eat.”
“You still call each other by the nicknames you used at school?” asked Harry.
Remus blushed a little, but he wasn’t really embarrassed of it. “We held onto what we could.”
Sirius slung an arm round Remus, carrying a new easiness through his body. Harry’s eyes flitted between them, and Remus wondered what he was thinking. Sirius was much more himself around Harry, and Remus hoped it would last.
For a moment, maybe two, it felt like an ordinary family dinner. But that couldn’t last, not when they had such pressing matters to discuss. They checked in on the tasks first, but Harry was beginning to see them as adventures, and that reassured Remus somewhat. For all they knew, entering Harry’s name had just been someone’s idea of a silly prank. If anything, Harry was more anxious for their safety than his own.
Sirius brushed off his concerns. “I’m fine, if anything happens I can just pretend I’m a loveable stray. Works every time!”
Having failed to make Harry laugh with this line, he changed the subject. “Tell me what’s happening with Crouch. You said you saw him at Hogwarts, but according to The Prophet, he’s ill in St. Mungos?”
“Getting his comeuppance for sacking Winky, I’m sure!” Hermione interrupted, derisively.
“Give it a rest with the elf, Hermione!” Said Ron, but Sirius shook his head.
“She’s got the measure of Crouch better than you have, Ron. If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” He looked at Harry. “Crouch was the one who sent me to Azkaban - without a trial.”
Remus squeezed his hand reassuringly as the kids all made various noises of outrage at this news, and continued the story for Sirius, giving him time to recover. “After that, his own son got caught with a group of Death Eaters, and Crouch sent him away too.”
Sirius took a deep breath, and continued. “He died about a year in. It’s not uncommon, in Azkaban. His mother passed away soon after, from grief apparently. They were allowed to visit him, before he died, I remember the day…” Sirius trailed off, his mind fogging over slightly, the way it always did when he thought back to that time too much.
Remus cleared his throat, to subtly ground Sirius back into the present. “Pads?”
“Anyway.” Sirius continued as though he’d never stopped. “His prospects for becoming Minister of Magic were slim after that.”
Harry was looking nervous, and Remus smiled at him in a way he hoped could dispel his concerns around Sirius. He’s mine to worry about, he found himself thinking. Don’t you worry too.
“He was acting weird, when I saw him.” Harry supplied. “He wanted me to get Dumbledore, but when I was gone, he stunned Krum.”
“Do you think he was trying to affect the game results?” Asked Ron.
“I don’t know…” Sirius replied, thoughtfully. “It doesn’t make any sense.”
“Look, for now, all I can suggest is that you don’t go wandering around in the forest with anyone! What were you doing in there with Krum anyway?” Asked Remus, aware as he said it that he was definitely sounding like his old Professor Lupin self.
He noticed that Hermione was staring at a fixed corner of the cave, and had gone very pink.
“Well, we always used to!” Said Sirius, attempting to unstick the situation from its sudden awkwardness. Remus blushed, remembering what they used to get up in that forest.
“Just please be careful!”
“That’s what Hagrid said!” Harry sounded annoyed.
“How is he doing?” Asked Remus, momentarily distracted. “He won’t reply to my owls.”
Harry shrugged, and attempted to flatten his hair. “He won’t let us visit him either. But the protest - that’s this week. You don’t have anything to do with that, do you?”
“We can neither confirm nor deny that.” Chimed in Sirius, trying to sound jovial once more.
“Well, send him our love, please.” Said Remus. “And maybe remind him that he’s always welcome at a Unicorn meeting, even if I can’t be there. Everyone misses him.”
Harry smiled. “I’ll tell him. Thanks, Moony.”
Too soon, it was time for Harry and his friends to return to school, but it was easier for Remus to say goodbye this time. Together, Remus and Sirius watched Harry scramble back down over the rocks and back down towards the village.
The whole Summer they first lived together, Harry had never called him anything but ‘Professor Lupin’, despite both gentle admonishments and continued protests. One hour with Padfoot, and that was that. He was Moony.
“He’s growing up so fast.” Said Remus, laughing slightly at himself as he said it. “I know that’s cliche.”
“It’s strange, his hair sticks out the exact way James’s used to. For a moment - it felt almost like I was speaking to him again.” Sirius smiled, but it was a sad smile. “I keep forgetting he’s gone. Being back with you, it feels like James could pop round any minute. Do you know what I mean?”
“The first year… after everything, I didn’t really leave the flat, for anything. But there was a moment when I first woke up, that felt like everyone was still with me. I’d pretend James and Lily were coming for breakfast, and if I just rolled over, you’d be there, next to me. I knew when I moved it would all be ruined, so I wouldn’t move. I’d just lie there, as if my stillness was preserving this false reality, where you hadn’t left me and they were still alive.”
Sirius was silent for a while, and then he asked “Do you remember when I first saw Harry again?”
“Yes, it was a fairly memorable occasion.” Remus replied.
“We all talked for so long. There was so much to explain. But I can’t… I can’t talk like that in front of maybe 90% of people. It’s a rare thing to be heard. And Harry’s found a way. Just like his father.”
“And his mother.” Added Remus. “And you.”
“No,” said Sirius, “he’s like you.”
When he turned to Sirius, he had a soft expression on his face. They stared at each other, searching through the new lines on each other’s faces for the boys they once were. Slowly, Remus reached in and placed a hand on Sirius’s cheek. Then he leant in, so their foreheads were touching. The minutes ticked by, and Sirius lifted his head, almost imperceptibly. Remus took that as a sign, and kissed him.
Sirius groaned into him, softly, and with one hand behind his head, Remus gently lowered him to the floor. Sirius’s hands found his collar, and gripped them desperately, pulling him on top. Remus kissed along his jaw and down his neck to his Adam's apple, eliciting a hiss. But then the hands gripping his collar loosened suddenly, and Sirius shifted his weight, knocking him off balance.
“Wait - Moony, wait -” Sirius pulled away from him, and sat up, his head in his hands. It was over before it could really begin.
Remus sat up too, hand still behind Sirius’s neck, and looked at him with concern.
“Was I hurting you?”
“No - Moony, never. It’s just…” Sirius wouldn’t look him in the eye. “It’s twelve years in that place, with the Dementors around me everyday. It’s changed me. I don’t know if I can - you know - anymore.”
“Oh” Said Remus, and then more softly, “oh.”
“You should probably just leave.” Said Sirius, dejectedly.
“Padfoot?” Remus sought out his eyes with his own. “That’s not going to happen. I don’t care about any of that. I love you. I’ll always love you. I’d lie here with you, just holding your hand, to the end of the world.”
Sirius started to shake, softly, and Remus pulled him into a hug. They lay down, out in the open, both needing to feel their emotions under the open sky. Sirius’s head rested on Remus’s shoulder. One of Remus’s hands held his own, and the other stroked his hair. It was beginning to grow back a little from his severe cut. Slowly, their breathing synced up, and they felt nature growing over them, offering them complete privacy.
They slept right there on the rocky floor. It was reckless, but the trees and the moss knew Remus, and he trusted them to protect him. In the morning, he felt that window closing. It was time to leave.