Chapter Seven
I would tell you that I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
And you've already gone away
“I sense that you are not happy with me, Remus.” Dumbledore said to him.
“How could you send James’s son to that home?”
“They’re his family, Remus, they’re his blood -”
Remus exploded at that. He tipped the table and smashed the shitty china to pieces.
“They abhor our kind, Albus! After everything Lily sacrificed -”
He moved onto the weird display on the shelving. He wanted to smash that too.
“That sacrifice is precisely why he must remain there.” Dumbledore responded icily, making Remus freeze in his tracks. “They are his blood, and that is important. Lily sacrificed her life for Harry, and that is what made Voldemort fail. That protection runs through her sister’s blood, and as long as Harry lives there he is protected from Voldemort, who we both know is still out there. As nice as it is to romanticise alternatives, this is the only way. You have nothing to offer him.”
Remus thought about his own home environment. Was it really suitable for a child? Dumbledore was right - all he had was a tiny flat away from Harry’s friends, a monthly transformation that would probably traumatise him, and a lifetime of social stigma. The walls felt like they were melting around him. What would James and Lily have wanted for their son? He wished, more than ever, that Lily was there with him. Love, that’s what she would have said. Love.
Remus turned on his heel and slammed out of Dumbledore’s office. He punched a spindly instrument on his left as he did so, shattering it into tiny pieces. Dumbledore said nothing in response, and that made Remus even angrier. He needed to speak with Harry.
He found him in the Great Hall with Ron, both happily stuffing their faces as if they hadn’t been facing the most evil wizard of all time 24 hours earlier. Remus watched them for a few minutes, waiting for his breath to return to normal. He was struck all over again by how much the boy was an almost exact spit of James, excepting the large and jagged scar that split the top of his head over to the bridge of his nose. It was a cruel and constant reminder of how they’d all failed to protect him. Harry’s face lit up when he spotted Remus, and his eyes were so green and full of Lily, that Remus forgot about his scar entirely.
“Professor Lupin - you’re back! Does that mean - Hermione?”
“She’ll be joining you here shortly.” Remus confirmed. “Harry, could I borrow you for one moment?”
“Sure.” Harry exchanged a look with Ron and then shrugged.
Remus led them out to the entrance hall for a little more privacy. The second they were through the doors, he turned and faced Harry.
“Harry. Tell me honestly. What is home like for you?”
Harry bit his lip and looked at the floor. “I’d probably say that my home is here, at Hogwarts.”
“So your aunt and uncle..?”
“They hate me” Harry replied, conversationally, still not looking at Remus. When he did glance over, Remus had a faraway look in his eyes.
Those were the exact words Sirius had used to describe his family. Remus had laughed at the time, because Sirius was laughing, and he assumed it was just Sirius being an angsty teenager. The second time Sirius said it was under very different circumstances… Sirius’s top had been off, and it had just been the two of them. Remus had traced his fingers along a series of long, thin scars that spanned across Sirius’s chest. They were different to his own; straighter and longer, but just as angry.
“Yeah” Sirius had said. “My family hates me.”
That time, Remus hadn’t laughed. He didn’t laugh when Harry said it, either.
“Listen, I know I’m not related to you, in fact we hardly know each other. But if there was another way - would you take it?”
“What, live with you?” Harry asked.
“I’m sorry, it was a stupid thing to say. You don’t have to…”
“I’d love to!”
Remus looked up at him, and ran his hand through his hair nervously. “You… you would?”
“It’d be BRILLIANT. Where do you live? Can I go right away? I haven’t got anything at the Dursleys I need, can I just leave it behind?”
“I need to sort some things out. There’s… certain obstacles I need to remove. But if you want this, I will find a way.” Remus smiled. “It’s not a big flat, but your dad used to call it The Bolt Hole -”
“My dad’s been to your flat?” Harry was full of wonder.
“We shared a dormitory at Hogwarts for seven years. James wasn’t one to let graduation take away his traditions. It was actually impossible to get him to leave sometimes.”
For the first time in 11 years, talking about James made Remus feel warm inside.
“Professor…”
“Yes, Harry?”
“Now you’re back, you will be teaching again, won’t you? This hasn’t… put you off or anything has it? Because I… I don’t think this is the last I’ll see of Voldemort. I think I need to learn how to fight. And you’re the only good Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher I’ve ever had.”
Remus took in the determination on Harry’s face. God, he was too young. He was too young for any of this. But he was also right. Remus would do anything to prevent him from having to fight, even as he began to understand it would never be enough. Was this how Dumbledore felt? Remus had made his decision.
“‘I’ll be back next year.”
Reluctantly, he let Harry get back to his feast. It was hard watching him, knowing that these moments of ease and safety with friends were so limited. Remus packed up his battered old suitcase, and met Rowan on the border with Hogsmeade. Rowan held out a hand, and they apparated home together.
*
The two of them sat up all night, surrounded by Rowan’s old law text books.
When Remus snapped at Rowan for the fifth time, the other man put down his book and looked at him pointedly.
“WHAT?” Remus exploded, and then immediately felt embarrassed for it.
“It’s the full moon tonight. I think we should go out in it.” Rowan replied calmly. “You need to release this anger.”
At twilight, they took their final dose of Wolfsbane, and apparated into the forest. Strictly speaking, they were still meant to lock themselves away for transformation. Wolfsbane had only done so much to change attitudes; and the Ministry was not one for giving out rights easily. Remus no longer clawed at his own body at night, but the unspent rage simmered within him continuously. The wolf in him missed the forest. Even Rowan’s good nature overflowed and gave way to frustrations sometimes, and they’d made a pact together to go to the forest when they needed. That night was one of such occasions.
The mist hung over the dimming light, and its moisture unlocked the smells of the forest. Moss unfurled into it, and the whole forest creaked and sighed and settled into the night. Rowan glanced at Remus and nodded. Their bones began to crack, claws tore out from the ends of their fingers, and it hurt but they were hurting together and then they ran, howling into the night.
When Remus awoke, Rowan was already up and had placed a blanket over him. He’d also conjured up some coffee for them both.
“Morning” he grinned. “Feeling better?”
Remus was, actually. In the forest, everything seemed simpler. He sighed, resting his head against the bark of a tree and accepting the steaming mug from Rowan. As he did, their fingers touched, and Rowan paused for a moment.
“So, I’ve been thinking… about that time, when I came to Hogwarts…”
“You don’t have to explain anything to me.” Remus asserted. “I’ve forgotten about it already.”
“Actually…” The other man moved the coffee back out of Remus’s hand, and leant in, closer to him. “I was rather hoping you hadn’t.”
And then Rowan kissed him.
It was gentle at first, and then needier. Remus responded in kind, and Rowan pushed him back onto the forest floor, straddling him and holding him back by his wrists.
Ok… thought Remus. So it’s going to be like this, is it?
It was different, but that wasn’t a bad thing. Perhaps relinquishing control was exactly what Remus needed. With Rowan’s soft curls above him, and the scent of the forest all around them, it seemed like the easiest decision in the world.
*
“Wizards are like… obsessed with blood lines.”
Rowan had roped Eloise in to help with their research. As a muggle born, she had a sense of clarity around wizarding lore that seemed to be lost on most of the wizarding kind.
“You can say that again.” Rowan was sat on the floor at Remus’s feet. They hadn’t announced anything to anyone, but Rowan was stroking Remus’s thigh absently. So they weren’t exactly hiding it.
“I actually think it’s all bullshit. Look at this case… a young girl was bitten by a vampyre in 1806. Her father seems to have performed some kind of transferal spell on her… I’ve never heard of one of those actually working - ooh, yes, look, he died after…”
“Eloise?”
“Yes?”
“Do you think you could read the whole case through and then decide whether it’s worth sharing?”
Eloise was not one to be interrupted or chastised. She threw a cushion at Remus and went straight on.
“No, listen to this! It says it did actually work, for a time. She was cured, and sent to live with a third cousin on her dad’s line. They reckoned the vampyre wouldn’t be able to get access to the house, because of her father’s spell.”
“Ok… so what happened?”
“It didn’t work. The vampyre got in, and… yep, he killed them all.”
“Brilliant.” Remus responded sarcastically. But Rowan seemed interested.
“It’s not brilliant… but it is interesting.” Rowan replied. “They were following a medieval German line of lore - ‘blut ist dicke als Wasser’; it means ‘blood is thicker than water’.”
“Ok…” Remus said again.
“Actually. That’s not right.” Eloise chipped in, as Rowan rose to collect the post that had just arrived.
“What do you mean?”
“The whole saying is ‘blood of the covenant is stronger than water of the womb’. So the meaning is the opposite.”
Remus gasped and slapped his hand to his forehead. “Blood of the covenant?”
He thought back to a particular drunken night with Lily, the one where they shared blood and become blood siblings.
“Remus…” Rowan had the Daily Prophet in his hand. “I think you need to see this…”
It had been ancient magic that protected Harry from Voldemort that night, and its roots was love. But Harry’s family didn’t love him, which meant that he wasn’t protected by them at all. Wizards were so caught up in their obsession with blood lines it would never have occurred to them…
“Lupin…”
Remus wasn’t related to Harry by blood, but he loved Lily and James, and that was strengthened by the covenant they made. So he did have something to offer Harry, after all. It wasn’t just better, in fact it could be vital…
“Remus.”
Rowan was in his face, but his voice was soft, and it forced Remus to break the surface of his choppy thoughts and pay attention to what the man was trying to show him. He looked at the headline, and felt a coldness run right through him.
Sirius Black had escaped Azkaban, and was on the run.