Chapter One - Year One
And if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashion
You're an accident waiting to happen
May, 1992
It was just approaching dawn when Remus emerged from the forest onto the school grounds. He’d purposefully avoided the castle itself. It was full of ghosts of his past and, even worse, it was full of those still living.
Above him, the sky had begun to take on a pale grey quality, but the lake seemed to consume all the light and offer back only inky darkness. It didn’t look at all inviting, but the lake was the reason he was here, and into it he must go.
Since he joined the Unicorn Press a couple of years previously, he’d mostly been focusing on research tasks. Roles that didn’t require him to be around others. He’d spent weeks reading through ancient Ministry law, trying to secure land rights for giants. He’d sent hundreds of owls to wizarding families, petitioning for higher standards of care for house elves. The society’s numbers were beginning to grow, and that brought in donations, which meant he was able to have a meager salary. He felt guilty for it, especially since he’d had little success at anything, but for some reason, the organisation’s founder Rowan believed in him. So here he was.
For most of his life, Remus had been so full of shame around his condition, that he hadn’t any room for anger at the wizards who shunned him. He’d been blindly grateful to Dumbledore for letting him in despite who he was, he hadn't realised he was just there to be Dumbledore’s puppet in the war.
Rowan, somehow, carried none of that shame. Until the age of 21, he’d been a lawyer, specialising in inheritance of goblin artifacts. He was good at it, too. But that didn’t save him from losing his job when he was bitten. So, he began working in a bar next to a radical bookshop. He reached out to the goblins he’d defeated in court and started giving them legal advice pro-bono. He held meetings in the bookshop, and created the Unicorns. It seemed to Remus that he did so without ever missing a beat.
A few months earlier, Unicorn had been contacted by Maya Cade, a young merperson who wished to leave her home in the Great Lake in order to study selkies abroad. The merpeople had pushed back, on the basis, it seemed, that they would require wizards to arrange the transport, and they were deeply mistrustful at the proposed intervention. Remus’s task was to convince them otherwise.
Merpeople. Sentient magical creatures that live underwater. Able to survive in both fresh and sea water, and up to fifteen minutes above water.
Though technically governed by the Ministry, Remus knew that in practice, the laws merpeople lived by were much murkier. And that made his mission that much more complicated.
He knelt at the lake and sent a patronus down to let them know he had arrived. He watched it grow fainter the further it travelled, until it disappeared into the darkness. For a moment, nothing happened. Then a small beam of light lit up from below, beckoning him down. He carefully removed his cloak and his shoes, cast a bubble head charm, and waded in.
*
As Remus reached the bottom of the lake, he was greeted silently by two guards. Out of the corner of his eye, he recognised Maya lurking in the shadows.
“You wish to take one of my own from me.” The chief wasted no time on introductions. This was a pity, because Remus was hoping to forge a connection with the merpeople. However, it was Maya he was primarily there for. If he only achieved one goal, it would be getting Maya her education.
“You know the price? What we will take from you?”
Remus had been prepared for this. He swallowed, and then agreed. “I have a memory for you” he said, amicably. “My first kiss, with my first love.”
The chief nodded, and a cold, clammy hand pressed itself onto his forehead, pushing against the bubble head charm and almost suffocating him. Around him, the shapes began to distort, and all around him the lake seemed to be draining…
Remus was 15. He was in the forbidden forest, in detention after getting caught up in one of James’s pranks. James himself had got off, and Remus strongly suspected his role as captain of that night’s Quidditch game had something to do with it. But Remus wasn’t the only one who was being punished…
“It's a god damn joke!” A voice rang out from behind a tree… Sirius Black’s voice…
Remus hadn’t thought of that name, not explicitly like that, for years. This was going to hurt.
“Any night of the week, we could have done this… why have they picked TONIGHT?” Sirius wailed. His face popped out from behind the tree, he was close - much too close - to Remus.
“Moony, do you even care that we’re missing THE match of the season right now?”
“Oh shut up, you tosser” Remus heard his past self laugh. Had he really ever sounded that carefree? “Of course I care, but unlike you, I’m actually going to DO something about it. Look.”
Past-Remus held up the object he’d been working on with his wand. It looked like an ordinary pair of binoculars, but he’d paired it up with an identical set he’d placed at the top of the Quidditch grounds earlier that day, so that the ones in his hand displayed what was going on on the pitch. At least, that was the theory. He held them up to his eyes. It was working!
He looked up, but Sirius had moved away. He felt almost disappointed.
“Here”
He threw them over. He didn’t really care about the match, but it meant a lot to Sirius.
Sirius peered in, and Remus saw his perfectly set jaw drop. “Oh my god Moons, this is genius. This is the best thing you have EVER done.”
Remus grinned. While the other boy’s attention was on the match, it gave Remus a chance to watch him. Watch the way his hair fell down his back in loose curls, how his slender fingers gripped the binoculars, the way he tilted his body as he watched, as if he believed he was playing Quidditch too. Remus could have watched him forever, but the spell was broken by Sirius leaping up and yelling right in Remus’s face.
“I DON’T BELIEVE IT! HE DID IT! THAT BLOODY BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT, IDIOT! HE DID IT MOONY! HE CAUGHT THE SNITCH! GRIFFINDOR WIIIIIIIN!”
Sirius grabbed Remus by the shoulders, and spun them both around. It was a moment of such pure joy, and Remus couldn’t help it; he kissed him.
As their mouths met, he felt Sirius’s surprised intake of breath. They stopped spinning, and stood there frozen. And then Sirius kissed him back, placing his hands uncertainly at the back of Remus’s neck. It was all Remus needed; he pushed him up against the nearest tree and kissed him deeply. Sirius responded with a groan, and then Remus’s mouth was on his throat; it was along his jaw, it was nipping along his earlobe…
No. Remus thought. I don’t want to think about this… it’s too much. Take it. Take this memory, please!
He gasped, and suddenly he was back at the bottom of the lake, miles of water weighing down on him and separating him from the boy he’d once been.
As he came back to himself, it was clear he’d done something wrong. The merpeople were closing in on him, and looking distinctly more harpy-like than they had before.
“How dare you” They hissed “trying to trick us… this is no treasured memory. You WANTED this gone, you tried to use us to remove it… this was not the agreement, and now you must pay!”
Remus was surrounded. He had to get out of there. He looked around desperately for an opening and - yes - there it was. He pulled out his wand, and cast a spell to propel himself to top of the lake. He broke the surface, spluttering, and dragged himself to the shore, where he lay for the next fifteen minutes, and the day broke out around him.
Well, he thought to himself, you’ve really ballsed this one up.
*
Later that day, Remus sat in The Three Broomsticks with his books. He was sure there HAD to be another way, and books had never let him down before.
“Well I never” A large shadow fell over his books. A shadow attached to a particularly loud voice. “Remus Lupin!”
“Hello, Hagrid.” Remus smiled warmly, as if it had been mere minutes since they’d last spoken. In reality it had been 10 years, but if Hagrid was holding a grudge, he didn’t show it, and enveloped Remus in a bone-crushing hug.
“Wha’ brings you to these old ends then, eh?” Hagrid asked.
“Merpeople, actually.” Remus was grateful not to be asked about the past.
“Ah, tricky business, merpeople. But yeh’ve just got to get to know ‘em. There’s no point reading any of that rubbish!” Hagrid gestured towards Remus’s books.
“And why’s that?” Remus raised an eyebrow.
“They’re written by wizards, that’s why! You wizards have never really understood merpeople. They’re schemers, don’t doubt it. And they’ll get you caught up in whatever nonsense they fancy, simply because they don’ respect wizards enough to take us seriously. And for good reason, lemme tell yeh.”
“Hm.” Remus considered this. “That’s… actually helpful. Thank you, Rubeus.”
“Don’ mention it.” Hagrid replied, waving a massive hand airily.
Remus studied him carefully. He looked well. Really well. He was desperately trying to conceal what looked like a dragon’s egg under his cloak, but Remus had always been good at recognising when something was simply not his business. He risked asking him a question, hoping that it wouldn’t send them hurtling in a direction from which neither could recover.
“What are you up to, these days?”
“Oh, haven’t yeh heard?” Hagrid exclaimed. “I’m groundskeeper at Hogwarts now, brilliant isn’t it! An’ all thanks to Dumbledore, that wonderful man!”
Remus was careful to respond neutrally. His own relationship with Dumbledore was much more complicated - but that was getting into dangerous waters, and he wanted away. “That’s great news, Hagrid. I’m happy for you.”
“An’ there’s more I’ve gotta tell yeh an’ all.” Hagrid leaned in. “You’ll never guess who started at Hogwarts this year - it’s James and Lily’s boy, Harry Potter. Sweetest boy you’ll ever meet, an’ spitting image of James.”
Remus felt like he’d been punched in the gut. For the past 10 years, he’d avoided thinking about the child altogether. He gave a false smile, and downed his drink.
“I should really - I’ve got to go -” he stuttered, he turned back, he paused. “Hagid, I’m sorry.”
And then he left.
That night, he lay in his small rented room, and thought about what Hagrid had said. A tiny copy of James, running round the castle, discovering its secrets… Remus smiled, and at the same time tears flowed down his face. He lay like that for a long while, thinking.
When he woke up, he had a plan. He marched out of Hogsmeade, and up to the castle. He’d forgotten to take the Forbidden Forest route, but he only realised when he was almost at the castle. Well, he thought, let them see me.
High above, Dumbledore paused in packing for his long journey ahead to watch him from his tower.