On rainy nights or lonely days (please color me with your shiny light)
The members of aespa gather in their dorm, decorated with twinkling fairy lights and scattered balloons. Laughter and the scent of cake fill the air as they celebrate Winter’s birthday. Winter, dressed casually in an oversized hoodie, smiles brightly, bouncing back and forth as the other members serenade her.
Karina studies Winter from the side as she sings, her heart swelling. She’s always loved seeing Winter happy, and right now, Winter was the center of her universe. The girls finish singing, and Winter pulls them in for a big group hug before pulling out her phone to take a picture for Bubble. Karina joins in, leaning in to wrap her hand around Winter’s waist. The shorter girl doesn’t flinch or even react to her leader’s touch, but instead casually rests her head on Karina’s shoulder. Everyone smiles widely.
“3, 2, 1!” The girls snap a picture and Winter brings her phone down for everyone to review the photo. As expected, the photo looks amazing. Everything from their makeup to their smiles is radiant. However, as Karina steals a quick glance at Winter, there’s something beneath her smile - something only she knows.
Despite appearing like a confident flirt on the outside, each playfully flirty interaction Karina has with Winter gives her stomach butterflies.
As the celebration winds down, Winter stretches, exhausted but content. Karina finds herself staring, memorizing the soft curve of Winter’s face, the way her hair falls messily over her eyes. It’s frustrating, the way her heart clenches, the way she wants to reach out but doesn’t.
Ningning teases Winter about how she’s probably going to crash the moment she gets to their dorm. “You always overdo it,” she scolds playfully.
Karina wants to say something too - something meaningful - but she swallows the words.
Ningning bids them goodnight and heads back to her and Winter’s dorm. Giselle puts her earbuds in and heads back to her room as well, leaving Karina alone with the birthday girl in her living room. Winter, half-asleep already, lets herself collapse onto Karina’s lap without thinking.
Karina stiffens for a moment, but then exhales, hesitantly allowing herself to enjoy the moment.
Winter’s breathing evens out, her eyes slowly fluttering shut. Seeing as there was no one around now, with Winter’s face so close, Karina can’t help it - she brushes a few strands of hair away from the tiny woman’s face, her touch featherlight.
Her heart aches. Winter really has grown up well…but at the same time, noticing the small yet accumulating changes to Winter makes Karina realize just how long they’ve been together. She’s wanted to confess for so long.
~ ~ ~
Karina remembers their early days and the struggles of being trainees - long nights of practice, tears of frustration, shared meals in convenience stores at ungodly hours.
But more than anything, she remembers how many times she had tried to tell Winter.
The first time Karina recalls is after she and Winter had known each other for about 3 years. SM had just announced to them that they would be debuting together next year as aespa, with 2 other trainees. Despite being elated, there was an underlying worry that gnawed at Karina relentlessly. At that point, she had been crushing HARD on Winter for almost half a year. She kept telling herself that things would be easier once they debuted in separate teams, that her feelings for Winter would diminish with distance, but fate had other plans. That day of the announcement, Karina cried, both out of joy, and out of pain. Later that night, Karina and winter were packing up their things after their vocal lessons ended. The two were currently waiting for their manager to come pick them up.
Karina recalls how a tired Winter sat down next to her, and without hesitation, leaned her head on Karina’s shoulder, sighing softly before drifting off to sleep. Karina had sat still, heart thundering, watching the slow rise and fall of Winter’s chest. As Karina’s eyes took in every detail of Winter’s face, she whispered “I think I like you”, but from the soft sounds of sleep coming from Winter, those words were never heard. Maybe, she told herself, it was better that way.
Another time, a week or so before their debut, the two stayed up late practicing their choreography together. Despite being somewhat of a genius and picking up the choreography relatively quickly, both women considered themselves perfectionists, and wanted to nail every detail for their showcase. While Karina can no longer remember the fine details of what Winter looked like that night, she very clearly remembers the two drenched in sweat but laughing, teasing each other about who looked more worn out.
“You look like you’ve just run a marathon,” Winter had teased, nudging Karina’s leg with her foot.
"Speak for yourself," Karina shot back, reaching out to flick a stray lock of hair from Winter’s forehead.
Something about every conversation and interaction with Winter was just so…comforting and easy. Winter grinned at her then, the kind of smile that made Karina’s stomach tighten, her pulse quicken. With their debut within reach of their grasp, Karina felt a surge of emotions. The path up till that point had been difficult, but as Karina looked at Winter, who smiled back at her with those gorgeous eyes, Karina knew exactly what she wanted to say.
You make this all worth it.
The words never left her lips.
Then there was the day of the actual debut. This was the culmination of all their hard work over the years: every tear, every sleepless night. As the stage lights shone bright and illuminated their faces, Karina could tell that the girls were all feeling heightened emotions. The stage lights were blinding, the crowd’s cheers deafening, and yet, all Karina could focus on was Winter. The girls stood side by side, holding hands. Karina turned her head slightly, stealing a glance. Winter was glowing, eyes gleaming with excitement, lips slightly parted as she took in the moment. Karina felt her chest tighten. Her heart pounding, Karina continued looking at Winter and thought, I love you, but swallowed it back.
Each moment passed, each opportunity slipped through her fingers. Yet, just as she feared, the words remained unspoken, but the emotions grew stronger.
Karina’s thoughts shift to a darker time—the day she found out about Winter’s pneumothorax. She remembers the sheer panic she felt when she saw Winter struggling to breathe, clutching her chest as their practice ground to a halt. The fear in their manager’s voice when she, voice sharp with urgency, said they were going to the hospital still sends shivers down Karina’s spine. She remembers racing down the hallway, her heart hammering, barely able to keep up as Winter was ushered into a car.
She remembers sitting outside the hospital room with Giselle and Ningning, her hands clenched into fists, her chest heavy. All Karina could hear was the memory of Winter's ragged breaths, the way her face had contorted in pain. Every minute felt like an eternity.
The night of the surgery, after returning back to their dorms, Karina couldn’t sleep. All she could think about was whether Winter was ok, and how she could help speed up the singer’s recovery. That night, her search history was filled with questions like ‘how to take care of someone after surgery’ and ‘what not to do after pneumothorax surgery’.
She remembers Winter’s pale face when she woke up after surgery, the way she smiled weakly at Karina and mumbled, “You look worse than me.” Her voice was hoarse, but it still held a teasing tone.
Karina had laughed then, even as her throat tightened. She wanted to hold Winter, to tell her how much she cared, not just as a friend. But she didn’t.
During the following month of Winter’s recovery, Karina would often visit Winter at her family’s place when possible, making excuses just to see her. If Winter was coming to the dorms, Karina would accompany her whenever possible, even helping Winter with her recommended deep breathing exercises.
She recalls how, one night, Winter laughed and hugged her. The unexpected warmth took Karina by surprise, but she allowed herself to lean into it, just this once.
The shorter woman had picked up on just how much Karina was paying extra attention and care to her.
“You know,” Winter mused, “I should start paying you. At this point, you’re like my personal nurse.” Winter flashed Karina that signature, award-worthy smile.
Karina laughed loudly, trying to hide the sound of her thundering heart. “Yea well, better start wiring me money then. I work by the hour.”
Each shared moment was another secret Karina held close. Another chance to say something that she let slip away.
The memories shift again, this time to something beautiful.
Karina remembers sitting backstage, watching Winter perform her solo song, Spark.
Winter was mesmerizing - completely in her element, glowing under the stage lights as if she was born for that moment. Winter commanded the stage and everyone’s attention. Her voice was powerful, her movements effortless. Karina had seen her perform a hundred times, but that night was different. There was something magical about the way Winter moved, the way she connected with every note, every lyric. For such a tiny woman, she sure did carry so much power.
Karina found herself falling in love with Winter all over again.
Furthermore, Winter was so cute off stage that she was always just a pout or smile away from triggering Karina’s cuteness aggression. One of Karina’s favorite interviews to watch back was their puppy interview with BuzzFeed. Admittedly, at the time, Karina’s attention was stolen away by the palm sized Cookie and Floof dog - Karina still can’t believe Giselle suggested that name - occupying her hands. But, watching the interview back, she can’t help but notice another human sized puppy seated to her left. Karina’s favorite part of the video was at the very end, when Winter pouted, saying “No~” with a baby voice as her puppy was taken away. That moment solidified for Karina the fact that, even though she and Winter could never be together, she’ll protect the girl for life.
What didn’t help to quell her emotions was the way even the fans had noticed just how much Karina adores Winter. Winrina? Jiminjeong? Karwin? All 3 referred to the duo. Karina was well aware that many fan sites existed just to capture the two of them together, and that admittedly did make her feel a bit happy, but it also made her feel guilty, like they were fueling the fire of her delusion and fantasy.
It’s clear many of the fans would support the two, so why couldn’t Karina force herself to confess? If it backfired, she could always write it off as a joke, right? That’s what Karina was best at, after all: jokingly flirting with every woman she collabed with.
Yet even after all this time, when it came to true, genuine, raw love and emotion, she couldn’t force herself to do it.
~ ~ ~
Karina blinks back to reality. Winter is still sleeping peacefully in her lap.
She exhales and finally allows herself to whisper, “Happy birthday, Minjeong.”
Her fingers lightly trace the edge of Winter’s sleeve, a ghost of the words she still can’t say out loud.
Maybe someday.
For now, she lets the moment linger.
Karina mindlessly plays with a strand of Winter’s silky hair, twirling it around her finger. As she reaches to grab her earbuds, careful not to move so much to prevent waking Winter up, Karina sees Giselle staring at them, rubbing her face as she applies her skin care products.
“You know, you’re like, really down bad for her.” Giselle remarks.
Karina sighs, nodding her head in defeat as she half whispers back. “Yes Gigi, I know. But look at her! Can you blame me?”
Giselle simply shakes her head before heading back into her room to finish her bedtime routine. Alone once again, Karina places her earbuds in and loops the song she’s come to associate with Winter.
~ Now playing: Only - Lee Hi ~
Deciding to fully embrace the moment and reminisce, Karina scrolls through her photos. Browsing the photo albums, she finds the folder containing her photos with the members, neatly organized by individual member. She navigates straight to the folder labeled “Winter ❄️,” her lips curving into a smile as she taps on the most recent set of pictures - memories from their time outside in the snow making tiny snowmen.
“There! What do you think?” Karina stepped back, admiring her work. The little snowman she named Song-i stood there proudly with its cute 3 leaves for hair and round, beady eyes.
“Hmmm,” Winter hummed. “Something’s missing.”
Before Karina could protest, Winter had reached into her bag and fished out Karina’s broken glasses. With a mischievous grin, she placed them lopsidedly on the snowman. Then, grabbing a smaller pebble from the ground, she placed it right under the snowman’s mouth, matching the one below Karina’s lips.
“There we go,” Winter said, clapping her hands together and dusting off the snow in satisfaction. “It looks just like you now.”
Karina looked back, taking the image of the snowman in. You know what, it does kinda look like her! She takes out her phone to take a picture and record something for Bubble. Finished, she sets the phone back into her pocket.
“Huh, yea you did a great job! Song-i resembles me so much she could be my child at this point.” Karina remarked.
“Our child, eonni.” Winter corrected. Hearing this, Karina nearly chokes on air. For a second, her mind had short-circuited, caught between the casual intimacy of the statement and the way Winter had said it so effortlessly, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Fortunately, she manages to just clear her throat and laugh instead.
“Sure sure, our child.”
“It’s silly and cute, just like you.” Winter said with ease as she turned and gave Karina a teasing smile and poked the mole on her chin. At those words and that touch, Karina’s ears tinged red, not just from the cold.
It’s truly unfair how Winter could just say things like that to Karina without realizing just how panicked it made her.
Fans ended up gifting her dolls of Song-i, which was absolutely amazing. While she appreciated the kind gestures, it did have the unintended effect of further etching tat memory deeper into her mind.
Sighing, she sets her phone down and glances at Winter’s sleeping face, her features soft, her lips slightly parted. Karina knows, deep down, that she’s completely and utterly gone for her.
And if Winter keeps looking at her like that - even in sleep - she’s afraid she’ll never find her way back.
Winter stirs slightly in her sleep. Karina stretches her body, reaching over to grab a small blanket for the sleeping woman, draping it over her body.
Grabbing her phone again, Karina scrolled much farther down in the album, looking for a certain video challenge she did with winter. Upon finding it, she paused, her music, and clicked play.
~Take a look at my girlfriend~ ~She’s the only one I got~
Choosing to ignore how she clearly looks at Winter in the video, Karina instead focuses on just how cute Winter is. The little smile and adorable scrunch of her nose as Winter forms claws with her hands brings a bittersweet smile to Karina’s face. Oh how she wished those lyrics were true.
But as time passed, it was becoming more and more obvious in Karina’s mind that Winter likely didn’t harbor any romantic feelings for her. Karina was still coming to terms with that fact. Yes, Karina is so happy to have Winter as a close friend. She knows she should be satisfied with just that, but some part of her isn’t. The thought of Winter falling in love with someone else, slowly leaving her, sent a pang of pain through her chest. Some selfish part of her wanted to by Winter’s number one, no, her only one: the only one she sent silly memes to in the middle of the night, the only one she talked to about the dreams she was having, the only one she rested her head on when she was tired, the only one she spilled her pain and secrets to.
But Karina knows that’s unrealistic. For the most part, she had managed to keep her expectations low and realistic. Sure, sometimes fans would catch her off guard, but Karina would quickly take note and start flirting with other people as an attempt to balance it out and throw those fans off her trail. Hell, she even agreed to a short lived publicity stunt with a male actor to lower suspicions!
None of it worked. At the end of the day, Karina still found herself here, beside Winter in the quiet of their dorm, her heart tangled in emotions she wasn’t sure she could ever fully untangle.
Karina opens Naver and searches for the music video to Lee Hi’s song. As the song plays for the nth time in her ears, now accompanied by the image of a couple growing old together, Karina’s heart swells with emotion, and she can’t help but be carried away.
She imagines herself and Winter taking the place of the titular characters. Well, hopefully there wouldn’t be as many medical complications - once was enough - but the idea of growing old together and just being domestic with Winter made Karina flushed. The love in the video was so strong, so pure, just like Karina’s love for Winter.
The difference? The love in the video was reciprocated.
Karina isn't really the type to cry, but tears start streaking down her face.
A few land on Winter's face. Karina doesn't realize it until a hand reaches up to wipe her tears, but Winter is awake, looking up at her.
“Eonni, why are you crying?” Winter asks. Her voice was groggy and soft with concern, her brows furrowed as she peered up at Karina.
Startled, Karina stiffens and pauses the video, gently grabbing Winter’s hand and moving it away from her face.
“It’s nothing, I just saw something sad. Don’t worry about it,” she smiles, trying to control her breathing.
Winter sits up and gives Karina a tight hug, rubbing gentle circles around her back. “Jimin eonni pabo~” Winter teases while giggling. “It’s ok, don’t cry, I’m here!” Winter consoles Karina much like a mother would a baby, cooing and patting her head.
Karina sighs, forcing a playful demeanor to hide her pain. “Yah, who are you? My mom? Let go,” Karina says, playfully swatting at Winter’s shoulder. The latter only holds onto Karina tighter, shaking her head and squirming from side to side. “Nope! You’re stuck with me for at least another minute.”
Karina scoffs, looking away as she affectionately pats Winter’s back. “So annoying,” she jokes, no bite behind her words.
Winter moves to look into Karina’s eyes and sticks out her tongue. “Sure, I’m annoying, but you love me so much you can’t help it, right?”
Karina just looks at Winter for a moment, not saying anything as another tear streaks down her face. Winter’s teasing expression faltered, replaced by genuine concern. She reached out again, brushing the tear away with featherlight fingers. “Jimin eonni?” she murmured, this time with real worry laced in her voice.
Karina swallowed hard. “Yes. I really do love you so much I can’t help it.” She whispers.
Winter’s eyes widened slightly, her lips parting.
But before she could say anything, Karina quickly added, “I mean, we are best friends and a family, after all.”
A beat of silence passed.
Winter held her gaze for a long moment, her expression unreadable. Then, slowly, she smiled - soft, knowing, understanding.
Karina wasn’t sure if Winter saw right through her or if she had successfully masked the truth. But either way, Winter didn’t push. She simply hummed, letting it go for now. Winter suspected that something more is going on with her leader, but didn’t push it since it clearly seems like Karina didn’t want to address it right now.
She pulled Karina close again, resting her chin on her shoulder. “Dummy,” she whispered. “You don’t have to carry everything alone, you know. I’m here for you, always.”
Karina closed her eyes, inhaling Winter’s familiar scent, letting herself exist in this moment—just for a little while longer.
If this was all she could ever have, she would take it. Even if it hurt.
Even if it wasn’t enough.