Chapter Four
***
"Do you promise not to laugh at me?"
"Of -"
"Don't answer that, I don't want to insult your kindness, I know that you never would." Sirius said. "Not about something this personal." He said, his voice steadying. "I'm not attracted to you in that way, Moony." He admitted. Remus flinched at the words, evidently taking personal offence to it. "No - it's not you." Sirius said, sounding like a romantic movie cliche. "It definitely isn't you - it's definitely me." He nodded, his lips inches away from Remus' skin. He pressed his face to his chest. "I'm just - I'm not attracted to people that way. Nobody. It doesn't make sense to me, either." He said, when he saw the confused expression painted on Remus' puzzled face. "I never have been - nobody." He reiterated his words.
"I understand." Remus continued to run his hand through Sirius' hair.
"You - you do?"
Remus nodded, slowly.
"It - I've read about this somewhere before. Asexual. I think that's the term." He explained. "No sexual attraction to men or women, right?"
Sirius would have laughed at the cliche of Remus reading something and retaining the information from the book as though it was nothing if he weren’t so close to bawling. Remus was the smartest person that he knew. He was such a nerd cliche. And he would have probably made a joke about it before if he didn't feel so sick. In actuality, Remus had come across the term when reading about autism because the two things are often interlinked; not all autistic people are asexual, and not all asexual people are autistic but there is some form of correlation between the two. But as of then, nobody had done further research into the correlation.
"I - I don't understand it." Sirius said, his voice small. But he nodded. That sounded right.
"I do - and it's alright." He wiped the tears from Sirius’ cheeks, making the smaller boy flinch at the touch of his cold fingers. "It just means that you don't want that. And you may never want that. You're not - not sexually attracted to other people." Remus smiled. He saw the confusion in Sirius' eyes and so continued, "But you do still love." He shuffled closer still, his breath close to Sirius' face. "It doesn't mean that you love any less - or that you don't deserve to be loved at all."
Then, Sirius burst into tears again. Of course, Remus was so casually understanding of this. Of course, he was. Sirius didn’t expect any less and he didn’t know why he had worried so much. Remus was never going to be judgemental about something as personal as this, as he said.
"Don't cry." Remus begged. "Please. It hurts me.” He didn’t know why it hurt him, but it did.
"I'm sorry." Sirius cried more. "I - I'm not normal."
"No - no. Don't talk like that." Remus pushed all of his own insecurities to the side. It was evident that Sirius was going through just as much trouble accepting himself and he had to support him through this – even if he didn’t understand what the concept of ‘normal’ was. He was far from that himself, he thought. "I don't deserve normal anyway. I'm far from it myself, aren't I?" He smiled, making Sirius' body lose its stiffness. "What a pair we make." Remus spoke in a tone that he had heard his parents do before. This was something that he knew they had felt once, and it made him feel a bit more at ease about the situation. If his parents, who were perfectly well-suited and definitely in love, had wobbles like this then surely this meant that he and Sirius were soulmates too – by any standard.
Sirius scoffed slightly.
"Huh? The werewolf that's so embarrassed by his hideous, atrocious, disgusting and horrific scars that he can't feel comfortable with his own boyfri -"
Sirius met Remus' eyes, his hand running up Remus' shirt almost impulsively, making the taller boy starkly move away. Sirius climbed on top of him, holding him in place and pressing his lips to the soft skin of his boyfriend's, running his finger across Remus' cuts beneath his red, scarlet jumper.
"You're not hideous." Sirius said, his eyes filling with tears. "Far from it."
"But my - my scars -" he wriggled out of Sirius grip, pulling away so he couldn't feel his scars anymore.
"They - they show your strength." Sirius grinned. He knew that his words wouldn't mean anything to Remus. He knew that nothing could make him feel any better about his scars, but he would be damned if he didn't tell him how he really felt about them. "You - you are beautiful, Moony. To me. Perfect, even."
Remus smiled, wrapping his arms around his own waist.
"Come here." Sirius tapped the area next to him. "Please."
Remus complied, falling beside him. Sirius shuffled closer to him, his hands fluctuating towards the bottom of his jumper.
"May I?"
Remus flinched. But he agreed, nodding as Sirius carefully lifted his shirt. He allowed his eyes to study the marks that scarred Remus' torso.
"You're no less beautiful to me." Sirius allowed his mouth to smirk.
"Sirius -" Remus tried to pull his shirt back down, fidgeting a little.
"I'm serious." Sirius said.
"I know - and I'm Remus." Lupin smirked, mirroring what he had heard James joke for years. Sirius sniggered a little.
"Oh. I walked right into that." Sirius laughed, his giggle melting Remus' heart. He had always had the sweetest laugh.
"You did." Remus laughed.
Sirius pushed Remus back, gently, and placed his lips to his.
"I love you."
"I love you too." Remus laughed. "Hey, and - I don't care." He reiterated. "I'm - I'm just sorry that you didn't feel able to tell me."
Sirius felt a twinge in his heart again. It wasn’t Moony that he was afraid of telling, he was just afraid of losing him. He had an irrational fear that he didn’t deserve to be loved by anyone, let alone anyone as brilliant, intelligent, and kind as Remus Lupin. His parents had taught him from a very young age that people were not to be trusted; people would only ever hurt him. They taught him that by hurting him. If his parents – the people who are supposed to love you above anything and anyone – could hurt him and betray his trust, then anyone could. That was the sentiment and mindset that he was forced to adopt.
"It wasn't that - I trust you with everything, Moony. But I - I didn't - I still don't really understand it." He repeated. "But these rumours, they hurt. And I know that they hurt you too and I'm just - I'm sorry."
"You didn't start the rumours, Pads."
"No, but - I didn't stop them either. I thought it would make me feel a little more normal but - but I just ended up hurting you instead."
"No."
"I did though."
"This wasn't your fault. And I - I'm sorry that I didn't make it easy for you to confide in me. Your sexuality doesn't matter to me. Nothing does but you. I - I adore you and I want you to know that I am always here for you. Always."
"Always?"
"Always." Remus pulled himself closer. "Always."
"I don't deserve you."
"We deserve each other." Remus smirked, his eyebrows raising with a wiggle, grinning.
“Yeah, because we are both dysfunctional idiots.” Sirius grinned, his cheeks almost bursting with glee. Remus furrowed his eyebrows, his brain taking a little longer than it should have to process what he meant by that. He smiled after, punching Sirius playfully in the arm and pushing off of him.
The two boys collapsed into the pillow, holding one another tightly.
"Does this mean you're retracting your break-up?" Sirius teased.
Remus rolled his eyes, giving off a small giggle.
"I really hate you."
"I hate you too." Sirius sniggered, sarcastically. Remus sat up again, taking a deep breath in.
“While we’re kind of on the topic – um – my autism means that I really struggle with sarcasm, so when you’re being sarcastic, could you maybe – um – tell me somehow?”
“Yes, of course I will.”
“Was that sarcasm?”
“No.” He raised his eyebrows.
“Right – um – thank you.” Remus blinked. "But yes - I retract it. And I'm sorry that I didn't give you the -"
"Let's stop apologising." Sirius grinned.
"Alright."
"Alright."
And it was alright. Everything was alright between them. And it was always going to be alright between them. Remus and Sirius had a mutual connection between themselves. They didn't need anyone else to understand it. They loved one another despite all of their flaws and that was what mattered. Despite the rumours, the pain, and the heartache: they had one another. And they always would do.
“Tell me more about autism then – what does it mean?”
“It is who I am.” Remus shrugged, not knowing how to explain it any better than that. “I just – I think a little differently to other people. Some people describe it as ‘not fitting in a box’.”
“Hey, I don’t think you’re fat.” He joked. Remus looked at him, blankly. “Okay – sorry. I was joking. Not a very funny joke. Carry on.”
“There isn’t much else to say – it just makes things a little more difficult for me. I don’t understand emotions on other people, and I definitely don’t know how to explain how I am feeling. I struggle to communicate, I like things a little more intensely than other people – which is called a ‘hyperfixation’, I like to – um – play my music when I am upset in order to try and regulate my senses and I don’t like people touching me.” He explained in the only way he knew how to. “Except certain people – like my mum. Or you.”
Sirius nodded.
“Yeah, so, you.” He grinned. “You’ve just described everything that I love about you.”
Remus wasn’t used to people being kind about his disability, and he could feel his hands begin to shake because he didn’t know how to contextualise that in his mind. He let out a small whimper and pulled Sirius into another hug.
“I love your little things.”
“I love you so much.” Remus positioned his head into the crook of Sirius’ neck, taking in his familiar scent and collapsing into the touch of his beloved boyfriend.
“James is going to have questions, I hope you realise this.” Sirius said.
“Oh, hell.”
“Oh, hell indeed. What are we going to tell him?”
“The truth?” He pulled away, meeting Sirius’ eyes with a serious expression. Sirius studied his face, trying to deduce whether he was serious or not before nodding in agreement.
It was time for honesty. If today had taught them both anything, it was that.
***
"Hey, your name's Remus, right?" Remus recognised the voice almost instantly, turning to face the Gryffindor girl with a small smile.
"Jessica." He nodded.
"Hi - I just - I wanted to apologise for the other day in Slughorn's class. It wasn't your place to say, I know that now." She stuck her hand out, offering it to the lanky boy in front of her. Remus squinted. "And I'm sorry for putting you on the spot."
"What's this about?" Sirius quizzed. Lily shuffled in her seat.
"Oh, is this the girl that was asking how to get with Sirius?" James asked, grinning. Jessica's face burned crimson, her voice catching in her mouth. Remus gave her a small, reassuring smile as he sat down beside Sirius. Lily gave James a small kick under the table, resulting in him squealing slightly. She had told him that in confidence. She rolled her eyes, mouthing a quick 'sorry' to Remus. Sirius' eyebrows raised at the awkwardness of the situation.
"Sorry-" Jess went to turn and run away.
"No, no - that wasn't Jessica." Remus stepped forward, sparing her blushes. He looked to Sirius in order to avoid looking anyone else in the eye and swallowed. "No, Jess asked me a question about my Potion in front of the class and put me on the spot."
"Yeah - I shouldn't have done that." She nodded along.
Sirius felt himself stand up, crossing his arms.
"I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable but I'm Sirius Black and I just want to let you know that - the rumours about me aren't true." He whispered, only to her. Remus gave him a small smile, his pride evident in his expression. "Could you - maybe tell people that?"
"So, you're not - you don't go to the Shrieking Shack?"
Sirius shook his head.
“Nobody ever goes to the Shrieking Shack.” James piped in, which made Remus roll his eyes. Always so obvious.
"And I'm not what people have been saying - I'm asexual." He said, with his whole heart. James, Peter and Lily's eyes all met in mutual confusion. "So, no. I haven’t been taking girls to the Shrieking Shack." He repeated the point. "I'm asexual." He repeated, this time meeting Remus' eyes.
"Of course - I'll tell people. Sorry. Thank you." She shuffled away, her face kind.
"You're asexual?" Lily asked, her face glowing with glee for Remus.
"Yes." Sirius said. "And - and that's fine." He smiled. "And - another thing, and most importantly, Remus is fine with it."
"Remus?" Peter raised his eyebrows. "Why does that matter?"
James wasn't so dim. He just stood up and pulled his two best friends into a hug, which made Remus stiffen as it always did. He dropped his arms to his side and attempted to wriggle out of the cuddle, uncomfortable with the human intimacy and with the fact that they were all in public.
"I'm so happy!" James screeched.
"I'm confused -" Peter said.
"Isn't it obvious?" Lily asked. Peter shook his head.
"Remus is my boyfriend." Sirius said, taking Remus' hand.
"What?"
"Yes."
"But we're keeping it between us, okay?"
"I knew it all along." James grinned, making Lily's eyes roll.
"You two?" Peter continued, making James clench his fist. It wasn't that difficult to understand.
"Yes." Remus jumped in, fed up of the conversation now. "Sirius is my boyfriend."
Sirius sat down, helping himself to a slice of toast. Then Remus followed, drinking fresh orange juice.
"You two were always meant to be."
“What the hell does that mean?” Lily asked.
“I don’t know – it’s just what people say.” James shrugged, taking a mouthful of his bacon sandwich as he did so.
“You’re a pig, Potter.”
“That’s twice this week you’ve called me that.” James said. “But that doesn’t make sense, because the first time you called me it, I was talking about Sirius shacking up with girls in the Shack. This time, I’m being nice and saying my two friends are well-suited and I’m still a pig. Something tells me you just don’t like me, Evans.”
“Finally – he gets the message.” Lily sniggered, tapping Remus’ hand. Remus blinked at her, tilting his head. One last thing he didn’t understand was Lily pretending to hate James when she so evidently liked him. He wasn’t the best at working out people’s true feelings towards people, but Lily was obvious. It was too obvious for anyone to miss.
***