Chapter Two
***
Remus headed straight to the Gryffindor Common Room, his emotions all over the place. He gave Lily and her friends a quick smile before heading up to his shared bedroom, making a mental note to speak with Lily about the 'Slug Club' later on.
But Lily had other ideas, her hand tapping onto Remus' shoulder.
"Hi." She said, taking him by surprise. He flinched at the touch, his skin still tender from the previous few nights. Remus had never liked people touching him. It made him uncomfortable. "Can we talk?" She asked, making Remus want to scream. He just wanted to go to his room and stay under the duvet. He had had enough interaction to last a lifetime. "You look awful, are you feeling okay, Rem?"
Remus looked pale and was sweating. He gave her a small smile, refusing to give her eye contact. That would tip him over the edge. He could feel his heart plummeting in his chest, but he had years of practicing to be okay. He bit his lip, grinning. He had become accustomed to masking his true feelings and emotions. He found it easy because he never truly understood what it was that he was feeling.
“Look at me, Rem.” She invited, attempting.
Remus shook his head almost involuntarily, fiddling with his Gryffindor tie and averting her gaze.
"I'm fine, Lily, don't worry." He tried to pretend.
Lily wasn't so sure. She looked him up and down and raised her eyebrows. She knew Remus better than he knew she did; she could tell he was hurting, and she wasn’t about to leave him alone in this state. Little did she know that that was the one thing that would make him feel better. Remus appreciated solitude; it made him feel safe because nobody could judge him for who he was. Nobody could try to get too close.
"Come on, let's go get some air." She offered him her hand, smiling. He pulled his hand away, forcing it into his pocket and taking a step back. “What is it?”
“I want to be alone, Lily – if that’s okay.”
Lily looked him up and down, which made Remus even more uncomfortable. His uniform was unkempt: his tie was over this jumper, his sleeves longer than his arms and covering his slender fingertips, his shirt untucked, and his shoelaces untied. She was growing more and more concerned by the minute. She held her hand out again and tried to give him a friendly smile.
“That’s not okay, Rem, I’m sorry.” She was afraid of what he’d do if he was alone. She grabbed his hand, making Remus flinch once again.
“Please don’t.” He begged, pulling his hand away.
Lily blinked, attempting to work out what was wrong with her friend. She always knew he hated human touch, but this was different.
“Follow me outside.”
“Where to?”
“The courtyard.” She said, making her way towards the door. “Come on, let’s talk about what’s upsetting you.” She said, without giving him the chance to protest. He followed her out of the room and into the courtyard, which was dimly lit now that it was evening. The moon was blazing in the sky, which made Remus squint a little – his brain involuntarily telling him to fear the moon, even when not full. "So, have you spoken to him?" She asked, sitting down against the wall and tapping the area beside her.
Remus shuffled, uncomfortably. She tapped again, inviting him to join her on the grass. He hated the feeling of grass, he always had. He didn’t like the way that it felt against his clothes. But Lily was adamant, and she continued to tap the place beside her. Remus pushed passed his internal protests and sat down, crossing his legs and pulling them up to his chest in a cradle of his long arms.
"Look - the rumours aren't true, Rem." She spoke in an honest and kind tone. "That much is obvious. Sirius adores you."
"I - I know that." He said, stammering. "I mean - I know they're not true."
"Good. You are official now, he wouldn't ever cheat on you." She told him.
Remus knew that. He and Sirius had been 'dating' for over six months now. Sirius had asked Remus to be his boyfriend in the most Sirius Black way possible; down on one knee with a little awkward smirk on his face whilst they were both alone in the Shrieking Shack just after Remus had transformed back to himself. He had stumbled over his own words multiple times, which had made them both laugh because it was usually Remus that was the one stuttering over his words. Sirius was usually so sure of what he was saying – he was the kind of person that just expelled confidence. Remus had said yes without hesitation, the joy acting as a pain relief sedative as Sirius had leant forward to kiss him. In the moment, Remus didn't even flinch. They'd been seeing each other for years before that, just not officially. Remus had been in love with Sirius since their First Year. They had just been dancing around their feelings for so long.
Things were different with Sirius and he thought people must have noticed. He would happily lie in his arms, and he would never protest against any physical interaction with him. Sirius was special in that sense, and James had often joked about the fact they were like a ‘couple’ – little did he know. Sirius made Remus feel safe; he allowed him to be himself and he loved him unconditionally for it. When Sirius asked Remus to be his boyfriend, he was in such a daze that the kiss was almost welcome. They’d been close for years. They had never once kissed, though.
"I know that." He spoke in a tone that was a little more defensive than he had intended.
"Then - what is it?" Lily asked, brushing the hair from Remus' eyes – which, again, made him flinch – to see that he was crying slightly. Lily had never been good at respecting boundaries when it came to affection, which made Remus laugh because she would forever rant about the fact that James had absolutely no boundaries when it came to showing her affection. Remus didn’t mind too much because Lily meant no harm, and she didn’t know about his autism diagnosis. She was his friend, and physical affection was one of the ways that she showed love. He had to respect that.
"It's just - it's made me think about things and I know that he - he won't want me anymore."
Lily felt a sharp blow in her chest. Again, she didn’t know about his autism – nobody did except for Professor Dumbledore, who had insisted he look at Lupin’s medical records so that he could keep him safe and protected. It was a muggle diagnosis, of course, but Albus Dumbledore had done all that he could to do the research and he did all that he could, once more, to ensure the Professors at Hogwarts understood the boundaries that Remus Lupin needed. He used his lycanthropy as a mask to draw out these boundaries and needs, considering Remus was the only werewolf at the school.
"What are you talking about?" Her head tilted in confusion, trying desperately to read the hurt on Remus’ face.
"Sirius and I - we have never slept together." He admitted, grumbling at the thought of it. It was blunt and honest, but it was what was precisely causing him to worry.
"Oh." Lily blinked, perplexed. "And?"
"And I don't ever want him to see me, Lily." He regretted the words as soon as they had left his mouth, his hand throwing itself up to cover the hole in his face where the words had collapsed from.
Lily's head tilted. She, of course, wasn't aware of the reasons why Remus could never want Sirius to see him. She didn't know of the scars that were branded deep into his skin. She never could know. She would never look at him the same way.
"Remus, you're being silly. Everyone is nervous their first time. And Sirius is a virgin too, right?" She stated. "Despite the rumours, of course." Remus shrugged. "We're all sixteen, none of us are experienced and - and I'm sure that Sirius isn't expecting that from you anyway. Not until you're ready."
Remus felt sick. He scolded himself for opening up. Lily was the friend that he trusted with every secret that he had, all except for his biggest, and he trusted her judgement, but she couldn't understand. She had no reason to understand what he was feeling about the situation. She wasn’t aware of his lycanthropy and she wasn’t aware of his autism, either.
"But Sirius is a very mature - sixteen-year-old and - isn't this the next logical step in the relationship? And if not now then it will be in the future." He blurted out, no longer thinking about what he was saying before the words formed in his mind and hit Lily's ears. He had done the research on relationships within the library because he didn’t want to lose Sirius. He had done the research into what partners looked for in a relationship. What he didn’t take into account is the fact that these books were aimed at neurotypical people, who were adults and heterosexual. Remus was just so desperate to be the perfect boyfriend. "And I just - I can't let him see me like that, Lily. I can't let him see me without my clothes on. I'm not ready and - and I don't think I ever will be ready, does that make me a bad person? I can't expect him to love me if I can't fulfil the relationship, right? I'm being selfish if I keep him hanging on. I just – I don’t like not having clothes on, I struggle even in the shower or bath – and I don’t like getting that close to people when I don’t have clothes on. Not that I’ve ever tried, mind – I just can’t-" He rambled, not giving any thought to what he was saying.
"Remus, calm down." Lily clapped her hands, making Remus snap out of his rant and almost jump out of his skin. Because of his sensory issues, any loud noise startled him more so than it would a neurotypical person. He threw his hands to his ears, rocking to try and stay calm. "You need to calm down." She begged, placing her hand on his shoulder. He knew that – that was why he was stimming so much. "You just have to speak to him." She told him, as if that was easy for him. "He will understand. There are no two people better suited. You make him a better person and he, you." She smiled. "I want a relationship just like you one day. He will understand, Remus. I promise, he will."
Remus wanted to scream. Lily didn’t understand, so Sirius could never either. He wanted to cry but he stifled his emotions and swallowed them. Lily, without hesitation, threw her arms around Remus and pulled him into a hug. Remus didn’t reciprocate the cuddle – he never did. He held his body stiff, his arms falling straight down as he desperately tried to control his nerves and his breathing. Situations like this – ones where he wasn’t in control – made him forget how to breathe properly and to regulate that he had to struggle against his natural instinct to panic.
"Sorry - I know that you're not an affectionate person but - you needed a hug."
Remus sighed, falling into the hug a little. He then pulled away, wiping the tears that had escaped his eyes.
"Come on - let's go and find him." She invited once again, pushing even more boundaries by telling him what to do. "I'm sure you will find that he really doesn't care about that all that much." She grinned, kindly.
Remus wasn't sure. He just nodded, using his practiced acting skills to pretend that he was fine - to pretend that her words had reassured him.
But they hadn't. He still felt sick and he still wanted to drown himself in his own tears under his duvet and blast his music louder than should be possible to drown out his sadness and desperation.
***
The light bounced into the bedroom from outside of the Hogwarts Castle, the sun's bright rays bouncing around the room and complimenting the bright crimson of the Gryffindor colours. James and Peter were sitting on the floor, with Sirius lying down beside them and looking up at the plain roof of their room. He had his arm wrapped around his neck, his legs up in the air leaning against Remus' bed and cradling a scarf that belonged to him.
Remus had a very particular scent – he smelt like home to Sirius. He was his safe place, and he always could rely on the smell of him to make him feel instantly destressed. And he definitely needed to release stress after the day he had had.
"So, are the rumours true then?" James asked. "You really have been sleeping with multiple girls in this school?"
"Sure." Sirius rolled his eyes, rolling over to face away from his friends so that they couldn't see the discomfort in his expression. He wanted to run away into the Forbidden Forest. There, nobody could quiz him on such ridiculous accusations. There, he could be alone with his thoughts and in silence – if you didn’t count the noise of the dangerous creatures that inhabited the forest. But then again, Sirius thought, anything was better than the constant questions that were being asked of him at the moment by the two people he thought knew him better than that.
Sirius felt his heart sting, his mouth glued shut. This conversation was uncomfortable, and he hated it. He had never been comfortable talking about sex or anything similar. He hated it and he didn't fully understand why.
"What was it like?" Peter and James asked together, their voices full of inquisition. They mutually sniggered when they realised, they had both said the same thing and had the same thought. Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat and sat up.
"Fun, I guess." He shrugged, unsure what to say.
"That's it?" James laughed. “You’re really selling it to us here, mate.”
"What more do you want me to say?" Sirius growled, in an unusually agitated manner. He wanted to scream. He had never snapped at James before, and it reminded him too much of the way his parents would snap at him, but he had had enough of this berating.
Remus took a deep breath and entered the room, his eyes straining as he looked at Sirius. He coughed a little, wheezing at the pain he could feel from the nights passed and from the hurt he was feeling about these rumours. They had stirred something inside of the taller, slender Gryffindor that he had suppressed long ago and was perfectly content suppressing. Almost immediately, Sirius sat up, meeting the eyes of the blonde boy.
"Oh, hi Remus." Peter grinned, making Sirius’ heart ache. He looked at Remus' expression and felt guilt hit him straight in the chest. He knew he shouldn't be feeling guilty because he hadn't really slept with those girls and the rumours weren't true, but he still hadn't spoken to him about it. He hadn't checked how Remus was feeling and that made him feel awful. He just wanted to run up to him and give him a hug, but he knew that that was out of the question because they had company. And Remus was annoyed at him.
"Hello." Remus said, half-heartedly.
"I thought you were in Slughorn's Potions class." Sirius asked, tapping the area beside him, and inviting Remus to sit down beside his smaller body just as Lily had.
"I left." Remus said, putting his bag down on the floor beside his own bed and shaking his head at the other boy, putting his foot down in a way that he didn’t with Lily. He had had enough of people telling him where to sit today.
"Why-"
"We were just talking about Sirius' little adventures around the Castle at night." James interrupted.
"Yeah - he's been sleeping with so many people!" Peter didn’t even attempt to hide his pleasure at the prospect of it, which made Sirius a little uncomfortable and he didn’t know why. He furrowed his eyebrows, signalling towards James to shut Peter up. James didn’t listen though, or didn’t notice, and continued.
"I haven't." Sirius said.
"But you said that you had." Peter spoke.
Sirius growled internally. Remus stayed silent, his eyes narrowing as he rested his head against his pillow, burying his hair into the touch of the cover and closing his eyes, trying desperately to drown out the noise of his friends going on and on. He felt a shiver collapse down his spine, his head burning as he struggled to catch his breath. He let out a small whimper, which made Sirius stop in his tracks and jump to his knees, crawling towards his boyfriend and placing a hand on his back, rubbing it gently.
"I was just joking-" Sirius jumped up and climbed into Remus' bed beside the other boy, being careful not to knock his tender skin. He noticed Remus flinch, his bruised skin aching. "Can - can Remus and I have some time alone?" Sirius asked.
"Whatever for?" James squealed.
Remus snarled, pretending not to know what Sirius wanted. He had sussed it out the moment he had entered the room. He knew that Sirius would want to speak with him alone. That was Sirius all over: considerate.
"Yeah, what for?" Peter asked, confused too and echoing James, as he always did.
"I - er - he promised to assist me with my work. I have some catching up to do and I just know that you will distract me, Prongs." Sirius improvised. In their time together, Remus and Sirius had gotten good at making up lies on the spot to have some alone time with his boyfriend. But this one was more important than it had ever been.
James looked unsure, his eyes narrowing. But he nodded all the same and pulled Peter out of the room, who was happy to follow wherever James went because he was slightly obsessed by him. This was another thing Sirius had joked to Remus about in the past, making a comment about the fact Peter would like what they have but with James. Remus had cursed Sirius for saying so because it was slightly mean, but was getting the feeling he wasn’t so far off of the mark now.
"Any excuse to speak to Lily Evans." He smirked.
"Good luck with that, Prongs." Sirius laughed, which made Remus snigger a little internally, but he wouldn’t be giving Sirius the satisfaction of knowing he made him laugh.
"Hey, maybe you could give me some tips on how to get the girls." James winked, teasing his best friend, who flinched and rolled his eyes, feeling Remus shuffle beneath him.
Once the door slammed, the smaller boy curled up closer to his boyfriend. Remus flinched, again, curling up, respectively. Sirius wanted to speak but he couldn't find the words. He wanted to explain everything, but he couldn't find the right way to say it. Or the nerve. He bit his tongue, afraid to say the wrong thing and hurt Remus even more so than he had already – unintentionally or not.
"I need to speak with you, too." Remus sat up, taking a deep breath in, and feeling a tugging sensation in his chest. He bit his lip, fidgeting with his sleeve and attempting to work up the courage to bring it up. "It - it's about those rumours."
***