Hold Me Down
Sirius stared from the passenger seat at Remus’ bloodied hands on the steering wheel from first the car crash and then knocking out the Uber driver who now sat in the trunk of the van. A burning anxiety he couldn’t shake clawed at his throat. Because there was no way the Death Eaters wouldn’t attempt to kill all eight people in the car again, given the Uber driver doesn’t report them to police and incarcerate them all when he wakes.
The Uber driver’s phone is still propped up in front of the vent tracking the ride, making a repeated noise that keeps taking Sirius out of his thoughts. It's an annoying ding that has everyone else groaning when it continues.
Mary reached past Remus and snatched the phone from its holder to inspect where the noise was coming from. She frowned as she couldn’t locate it. James then leaned over to her to help, but their faces began to heat from frustration as it continued without any resolution. Sirius wasn’t above throwing it out the window, but Mary and James were smart. He could trust them to shut off the fucking noise.
“So…” Sirius eventually heard Mary’s voice over the dings that began to increase. “The noise is a- it’s a notification for texts he’s getting that won’t show on his screen, and they’re all in code.”
Ding
“What are you trying to say?” Remus frantically asked, not looking away from the road.
Sirius didn’t turn to face anyone as well, but he could hear Regulus whisper under his breath. “He’s a Death Eater.”
“Oh my GOD!” Lily yelled. “I’m gonna vomit.” Her voice trailed into a muffled noise as she probably began to cover her face with her hands.
Ding
James continued to stare at the phone in disbelief. “Regulus, can you translate any of this?”
“I haven’t been with them in years, they change their systems weekly.”
Ding
Dorcas then took the phone into her possession.
“What are you doing!”
“Wait!”
Ding
“Dorcas!”
Ding!
Dorcas took a deep breath before flipping the screen away. “His phone’s GPS has a history, and I would bet this is where he was planning on taking us.”
Ding!
The room took a pause, before Marlene spoke gravely. “We should go to it.”
Ding!
Mary shook her head, a deep frown on her face. “But that’s what they wanted.”
DING!
“We’d be walking into a death trap.” Regulus confirmed.
DING!
The silence continued after that, with nothing but the phone and traffic filling up the car. No one knew what to say or do. No one had ever dealt with anything like this before.
DING!
Sirius looked back to Remus whose grip tightened on the steering wheel his knuckles began to turn white. “If they were planning on capturing all of us… it must be a big base for them. This would be important for us to scope.” He said with an undeniably shaky breath.
DING!DING!DING!
“But we have the address though we can deal with this another day okay?” He tried to reason, but his words were coming out exasperated and rigid.
DING!DING!DING!
Everyone agreed.
DING!DING!DINGDINGDING!
Sirius reached behind his seat and ripped the phone out of whoever hands were holding it. He took his own phone out, took a picture of the address, and then lowered the car window and threw the fucking Death Eater’s still pinging phone out the window as aggressively as he could.
relishing in the sound of the crunch as another car ran it over.
Thirty miles outside of the city, Remus drove them deep enough into the forest to leave the Uber driver before he woke, and after James took over the driving and continued to Dorcas’ house. Where they finally all rested.
—
The air in the house would’ve driven anyone to insanity. It was quiet but on the edge waiting for the other foot to drop. No one could believe they had made it alive and they all felt as if they breathed too deeply they’d be jinxed.
No one spoke.
They barricaded the windows and doors with not a word exchanged. Not a thought of what would be had for dinner. The sleeping arrangements had already been sorted, so everyone retreated without a glance back.
Sirius was sharing a room with Remus again, and he felt a wash of relief over this. Not that he wouldn’t have wanted to share with James or Mary, just Remus was… he felt safe with him. In a way he couldn’t explain.
Even now as Sirius sits freshly showered in bed waiting for Remus to get out of the bathroom, he begins to get anxious again. The events of the day washing over Sirius. The crash. The Uber. The panic attack he had before all this.
Sirius wondered if there would ever be life after the Death Eaters. His only sliver of hope was if they cared this much about their disorganized misfit group of strangers, then they must have something. And they must scare the Death Eaters horridly.
Remus then stepped out of the bathroom, wearing only black boxers, followed by a cloud of steam behind him. There was still blood on his knuckles and parts of his body were beginning to bruise. The scar from when he was stabbed two months ago was still red and healing, a contrast to the white superficial scarring that lingered on the rest of his body. Wordlessly, Remus lifted the duvet and slipped inside the bed not meeting Sirius’ eye.
“Are you okay?” Sirius whispered.
Remus didn’t respond for several moments until he frowned and turned his head away completely. “No.”
Sirius toyed with the pattern of the covers. “Me either.”
“I’m really sorry.”
Sirius almost didn’t hear him of how low he spoke. “Why are you sorry?”
Remus shook his head. “I… I get so- so blind? When I’m scared. Like when I bashed the Uber’s head into the wheel. I didn’t even know he was working for the Death Eaters then, he could’ve been innocent- with a family. I don’t think.”
Sirius couldn’t believe the words he was hearing. “Remus without you, we wouldn’t be here. You got us out of there.”
Remus covered his head with his hands, grasping at his hair. “I’m not some savior with all the answers- or - or an asshole I swear. I’m just scared.”
Hesitatingly, Sirius reached forward, slowly placing a hand on Remus’ shoulder. “I’m scared too.”
Remus leaned into Sirius’ hand. “I’m kind and I-I care about morality and… I don’t want to lose that. I feel like I’m losing who I am.”
At this Sirius chuckled wetly. “We’ve all lost ourselves. I used to be independent and a painter in New York City who went to parties and… well I don’t know I felt good about myself. Now I’m scared of everything. I can’t do anything. I- I’m not me either.”
Remus lifted his head out of his hands and turned to stare at Sirius revealing the tear streaks still falling from his eyes. He opened his mouth a few times to speak, but never any words until. “You’ve done everything. Of course, you’re scared but don’t say you can’t do anything. We wouldn’t be here without you. You’ve kept me from the edge every time.” He whispered in confession.
Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat at that. “Really?”
“Yes!” Remus let out a wet laugh. “I would be dead without you. You keep me from going too far.”
“Well you keep us going. Whenever I’m too scared to do something, you’re already halfway in.”
“It’s called being stupid.” Remus leveled him with a sad and knowinglook.
“It’s not. It’s brave.”
Remus shook his head. “I don’t want to be brave, I want to be… I don’t know- gentle. I want to be gentle and kind and the way I was before this. I’m supposed to think before I act.”
“Believe it or not, you are the most gentle and kind person I’ve ever met. At least with the people you care about.”
Remus ran a hand down Sirius’ side, landing on his waist, squeezing as he did. “If I’m not gentle and kind with you, this was all for nothing.”
Sirius nodded gravely. “No matter what, please stay by me?”
Remus nodded back, leaning his head on Sirius’ shoulder, fully embracing in touch. “Of course. And you by me.”
Sirius nodded again and found Remus’ other hand under the covers. “Could you hold me? To fall asleep?”
Remus nodded again, his nose rubbing against Sirius’ neck as he did so.
They then rearranged for Sirius’ back to be to Remus’ chest and he tightened an arm around his waist.
“Thank you… for everything.” Sirius mumbled before falling asleep, unsure if Remus heard.
-
The next morning Sirius woke up surprisingly calm. A sickle sweetness in his chest that he knew came from being held by Remus. Sirius knew if it weren’t for the Death Eaters, something with Remus would’ve happened by now, and maybe something was brewing against all odds, but he couldn’t focus on it. Their lives were on the line, so it wasn’t the time to play romantic comedy. But god, he felt so good with Remus’ morning breath on the side of his neck. His dry lips mouthing at his neck. He felt like Remus had lived there his whole life.
Sirius was so tired of waiting and postponing and the worrying of if it was the right time. This is what he and Remus were talking about the night before: how much of themselves were taken. Why should the Death Eaters take this too? There was something with Remus so undeniable, so penetrable and all Sirius wanted to do was to hold it in hands. And Sirius was waiting for what? To die the same way his parents did?
The best time to do something was now. Before everything was taken.
Slowly, Sirius turned to face Remus and decided to wake him by mouthing on Remus’ neck with purpose and vigor. Moaning as he felt every ounce of need and want over the past three months washed over him.
Oh god.
“Sirius?” Remus mumbled in confusion, before recovering quickly as humanly possible from his sleep, pushing his neck back, giving all access to Sirius. “Oh, Sirius.”
Remus’ hands found Sirius’ hair. Sirius groaned at the feeling.
“Sirius!” Remus’ grip tightened, and his short brown curls rustled against the pillow. “Where is this coming from? Do you want to talk about this?” He was already out of breath.
“No talking. We’ve wasted enough time, just hold me okay?”
“Alright.” Remus squeezed his eyes shut and nodded.
Now Sirius could die happily. He finally felt himself again.