The Potter residence was usually bustling with noise at five o’clock in the evening during winter break. Lily would be rummaging through the cupboard for hidden snacks, James and Albus would be fighting over things they’d stolen from each other, Ginny would be telling Lily to stop complaining about the lack of sweets in their household, and Harry would be instigating the conflict between James and Albus. There would be yelling and arguing and laughing and it would be utter chaos and it would be perfect.
Now, it was quiet.
Harry was in his study. Ginny came in every so often. They didn't say a word to each other. James and Lily stayed in their rooms.
The door to Albus’ room stayed shut.
Ginny didn't like people going inside.
Harry was supposed to be working. He didn't want to be home. He needed to be working. He hated just being stuck doing nothing, only to be left alone with his thoughts. Thoughts he didn't want to have. Vicious, horrible thoughts.
He had tried to go into work. He wasn't able to get any work done, but he tried. Hermione noticed. He wasn't the same. Obviously, he wasn't the same. Nothing was the same, nor would it ever be.
Hermione convinced Harry to go home and spend time with his family. ‘Convinced’ was the nice way to put it, at least. Harry went home, of course. Hermione was outright terrifying when she was determined. At this point, he had been home for a few hours, but he hadn't said a word to anyone. He knew that he should. He knew that he needed to. It was the right thing to do. Even so, he couldn't bring himself to. It pained him too badly to think about. He knew his family wouldn't want to talk to him, either. He knew what happened was his fault. He knew they blamed him. He could’ve done something to stop it- to stop her. He did nothing. He just stood there and let it happen.
Ginny told him to stop thinking like that. She said it wasn't his fault. She said there was nothing he could've done. He was thankful for her words, but he knew that wasn't true. He knew she was lying.
Harry paced around in his study. He didn’t know how long he’d been pacing for. He hadn’t even noticed that the sun had started to set.
Fuck. He hadn’t even started cooking dinner yet.
Harry knew he was a failure. He had failed Ginny and James and Lily, but most of all, he had failed Albus. He could have protected him. He could have saved him.
He let him die.
Harry felt tears prick his eyes. He felt a weakness that he hadn’t felt in years. A grief that was unbeknownst to him up until this point.
A sob broke through the uncomfortable silence of his study, and he gasped, trying to hold himself back. He didn’t want to cry. Crying didn't help anyone at this point.
He stared at his desk. A moving picture sat in a dusty black frame. It was his family. Him, Ginny, Lily, James, and Albus. Lily and Ginny were smiling while James messed with Lily’s hair. Harry and Albus were to the side, Harry fixing the collar of Albus’ shirt while Albus tried to pull away with an annoyed expression.
Albus was miserable in Harry’s favorite picture.
He had never even noticed.
Albus was miserable. He always was.
And he was gone before Harry could even make it up to him.
There was so much he wanted to say. So much he needed to tell Albus.
He looked over to a bit of parchment that was sat out on his desk.
He inhaled, grabbing his quill and taking a seat.
He started to write.
Dear Albus,
Hello!
‘Hello!’? Is that too cheery? How do I even start a letter like this?
It's been a few months since, you know.
What the fuck is wrong with me…?
It's been a while. The house is quiet. I'm not really used to it, honestly. James isn't yelling at anyone for a change. I think you'd like the quiet. I'm not a fan of it myself. I'm used to the chaos.
I fucking miss you.
I wish you could've been here with us for the holidays. It's not nearly as fun without you. I got you a present. I mean, I know you're not here to open it, but still. It felt weird not getting you one. I think you would have liked it. It's actually two gifts. A guitar, I know you always wanted to start playing. And a journal. I know yours was full.
On that note, I read your journal.
No wonder he hated me.
I know you'd be upset if you knew. I'm sorry, I really am. I know I shouldn't have. A lot of the pages were about me. Not good things. Which was to be expected, but I wasn't expecting for it to hurt so bad. I was a horrible father to you, Albus. I still am. I really want to be better. I wish I could have been better. It's really only my fault that I didn't know how. I'm going to be better for James and Lily. I owe it to them. And to you. I know it's too late to change the things I’ve already done. I know I already hurt you. I can’t fix that. I should've been better for you when I had the chance, but I'll be better for your siblings now that I do.
I miss you.
I miss you so much.
I know you might have thought I didn't love you, but that's not true. I love you. So, so much. I really do. I should have shown it to you better. I should have done more. I let you die leave without letting you know how much I care about you.
You wrote in your journal about Scorpius a lot. About how you thought I would feel if I knew about you two. I never really saw it, but your mother knew. She always knew about these sorts of things before anyone else. I'm not upset about it. Scorpius is a really nice kid. Ironic coming from me, I know. I really do mean it, though. I wish you would've gotten to spend more time with him. I would have liked having him around. He's quiet. He's a nice change from how we usually are.
I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn't talk to me. I'm sorry for all the times I yelled at you, all the times I made you cry, all the times I hurt you. I'm sorry for making you hate me. I'm sorry for making you scared of me. Sorry doesn't even begin to cover the guilt I feel. I know I fucked up. Maybe someday you can forgive me, but I understand if you don't want to. You shouldn't, really.
I wish I could be strong for you, Albus. Strong for your mother and your siblings. I'm trying. I know you'd probably laugh seeing me in the state I'm in. You'd be happy knowing you're what made me feel like this. You'd be happy knowing I care.
Being without you sucks, and it gets harder every day, but I'm going to try. Your mother deserves it. As do James and Lily. I owe it to them not to give up. They really miss you too. I want them to be happy. I'm going to try to make them happy. I wish I could've done the same for you.
I hope I can see you again sometime. Maybe in the future. It'll be good to see you again.
I love you so much. I'm proud of who you were. Maybe I should've told you sooner.
- Harry Potter
-Dad
Harry read the letter over, ignoring the drops of tears that smudged the ink and stained the parchment.
He stood, leaving the letter crumpled and shredded on his desk.