The gloomy walls of the castle seem to stretch for ages as regulus’s shoes echo dimly down the corridor. The weather reflected his mood as rain tapped against the elegant glass windows. The clouds effectively trapped the already weak light of the autumn sun, casting everything into dreary darkness, although it was only early afternoon.
A group of younger students ran past him, tripping over their robes and laughing breathlessly. The joyous noise echoed off the cold castle walls, as the children disappeared around the corner of the corridor. The laughter pierced the sad aura that seemed to surround Regulus nowadays. It slithered through the crack in his safe bubble of melancholy until it reached his memories. He didn't like to think about what happened at the end of the last term, the aches of heartbreak were still present if he prodded too hard. Sometimes though, like this moment, there was nothing he could do to stop them from being unleashed. His safety blanket had been shredded by the echoing laughter of the exhilarated children, and the memory came rushing back.
__
“James Potter you are infuriating” Regulus black grumbled as he trudged to his next class. A warm laugh from the boy by his side, tumbled through the air, like a glimpse of sunlight after a storm.
“Don't sound too annoyed”, James said, a grin tugging at his lips. “It might start to sound like you care about me”
“I genuinely cannot deal with this today” Regulus sighed, exasperated, though his traitorous lips twitched upwards in a hit of amusement.
“Please Reg! You have to wear the Gryffindor hat. It's my first match as a team captain” James explained, going back to the point of the conversation that Regulus was barely entertaining.
The taller boy had been bugging him for days to put on the bloody lion hat, following Regulus around the castle and catching him between classes. James thought he would be his good luck charm, but Regulus didn't understand how humiliating himself in front of the entire Hogwarts student body would bring any sort of good luck.
So naturally, he refused.
But naturally, James was stubborn.
The quidditch match was in a week and it seemed like James had made it his life's mission to convince regulus to wear this stupid fucking lion's hat. The thing roared for god's sake.
“If you think for a second you are going to convince me to wear a lion on my head, you have fewer brain cells than I imagined,” Regulus said, cutting his eyes over to glance at James.
A fond smile adorned James’s face as he gazed down at Regulus. He could feel his stomach turning at the intensity of the Gryffindor's warm brown eyes. If Regulus didn't know better he would say it resembled something akin to love. Regulus melted under the warmth as he slowed his walking to a stop, his legs not understanding commands any longer. James sent him a lopsided grin
“Please reg, Sirius, Remus and Peter are all wearing the lion hats. It would mean a lot to me if my four favourite people would wear them”.
Regulus knew it was ridiculous. Completely and utterly embarrassing, especially for a Slytherin, but this was for James. And really, when could Regulus ever truly deny James anything?
He let out a long sigh, already cursing himself internally for how easily malleable he was under James's sunshine spirit.
“Fine! Fine, I’ll wear the stupid hat.” Regulus muttered, finally lowering his eyes. “Only because you are so annoying about it” he added hastily. James lit up, his grin widening until his soft eyes crinkled at the sides. When Regulus looked back up at him, he realized suddenly that he would embarrass himself over and over, never take the weird-looking lion hat off his head, if it meant that James would always look at him like this, with adoration in his eyes. James beamed down at him before he grabbed Regulus’s hands and started jumping up and down.
“Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you!” Regulus rolled his eyes at the other boy's antics but couldn't quite manage to tamp down the smile appearing on his own face. James stopped jumping but his obvious delight didn't leave his body, and before Regulus could even react James had lent down to press a kiss against his cheek.
“Thank you, Reg!” James said, still grinning widely before running down the corridor yelling. “I cannot wait to tell Sirius! he's going to be so excited!”
Regulus was left dumbfounded in the middle of the empty hallways, everyone had long since filed into their classes. He brought his hand up to his face, not entirely sure he was a solid tangible person. The tips of his fingers found his cheek and he was well aware that blush was slowly blooming on his face. But he supposed that’s what happened when a closed-off flower found the sun, it bloomed.
__
The unfortunate part of this scenario is when the sun inevitably leaves; whether it sets or is blocked out by clouds, not unlike the ones that decorated the sky, the flower would once again wilt.
He glanced out the window onto the grounds of the castle, the rolling landscape scarcely visible. Regulus usually adored this weather, call it cliche, a Slytherin enjoying cold and rainy weather, but Regulus thought it was lovely. The quiet melancholy of a foggy evening, a reason to seek out different areas of warmth.
His frequent source of comfort on a day like today would be curling up in his dorm with a cup of tea and a warm blanket. That was before, before a boy who radiates warmth and sunny smiles. Regulus was annoyed, the thought of a brown-haired boy with glasses seemed permanently glued to the inside of his eyelids. Recently it seemed as if he could never get a moment of respite. Silver and gold, clashing swords engraved with the legacies they were both meant to fulfill. A scarlet red tie hanging loosely around a neck, brown hair in disarray, so elegantly it was nothing short of art.
It was inevitable. James Potter was everywhere.
He seemed woven into the fabric of Regulus' being, injected into his bloodstream and clogging his veins so that Regulus was left with a heart that was only able to inhale the tangled letters that formed James. It was completely and utterly infuriating.
Regulus swiped a hand down his face, trying to climb his way out of his thoughts as he continued his way down the corridor.
His classes were done for the day, so he turned up the stairs that lead to the Ravenclaw Tower, in search of Pandora. He could have easily gone back to his own common room, but as much as he loved Barty and Evan, he wasn't in the mood to act like nothing was wrong, like the dark common room that usually gave him so much comfort didn't now seem suffocating.
Thankfully he bumped into Pandora on the spiralling stairs, not long after he had started walking.
“Reg! How were your classes? Want to go to the library?” Pandora asked, smiling. Her blue eyes seemed to reflect the light coming in through the windows, making them almost silver, and her long blond hair was loose around her shoulders. She was admittedly stunning. They had both decided they would definitely have fallen in love with each other if it weren’t for the fact that they were both extremely gay.
“I'd love to go to the library. And they were fine, potions were decently fun, even if Slughorn is going to make me poke my eyeballs out with a blast-ended skrewt,” he replied, smiling slightly. Pandora laughed softly, taking his arm.
“I wouldn't blame you if you decided to go through with that, I'd join you actually.” She said as she descended the stairs and walked in the direction of the library. Regulus smiled dimly
“All he talks about is who's invited to the slug club and the influential people that used to be in his club. It's sickening” Regulus replies, shaking his head.
Have you noticed that he's even started to take credit for people's achievements? Especially people who he didn't use to like? In potions yesterday he was going on and on about James Potter and how he always knew that one would do great things” Pandora scoffed.
Regulus tensed up slightly at the mention of James, but made sure to relax immediately, not wanting to tip Pandora off to anything.
Regulus shouldn't have expected that to work; it was Pandora after all.
She looked over at him questioningly with her soft blue eyes as they walked into the library. They were seated in a secluded back corner before Pandora brought up the one topic that Regulus was dreading.
“Reg..” She started hesitantly. “I wanted you to tell me this yourself, that's why I keep bringing up James' name, but, I- well, I knew about you guys,” she said softly. Regulus' heart stopped beating for a number of minutes, possibly hours, as he stared slack-jawed at his best friend.
“Wha- what do you mean?” Regulus stuttered, his brain short-circuiting.
“Regulus, I'm your best friend. It was pretty obvious last year, you were so in love with him.” Regulus goes to protest the last claim, but finds that his voice seems to be stuck somewhere in his throat.
“Also- Sirius is pathetically bad at lying to his friends. I'd ask him where you were and it looked like his brain was going to explode trying to come up with a reason, it was quite cute if you asked me.” Pandora shrugs, a slight smile caressing her face. Regulus takes a few seconds to process this information. Pandora knows. It's Pandora. It's okay. Pandora would never do anything to hurt Regulus.
“Why didn't you tell me?” She asks quietly, her long blond hair falling over her shoulder as she leans forward.
“I- Fuck” Regulus exhales loudly, one hand coming up to rake through his hair. “So you know Snape? He overheard a conversation between Sirius and me once, and he threatened to tell Walburga about Remus and Sirius because he thought it was ‘disgusting’. It really scared me, to be honest. When I told Sirius that I- well that I really liked James, we kind of agreed that it would be best that only a few people knew. Of course, I wanted to tell you, but- I guess I was just scared” He took a moment's pause as the memories began to swirl around him, drowning in the weight of the nostalgia.
“And then, well, I'm not entirely sure what to call it. We started seeing each other? James didn't care who knew, but my parents, as you know, aren't the type of people that would really agree with what we were doing. So I basically forced him to keep it a secret. I'm really sorry I didn't tell you, truly”
Pandora gazed steadily at him. “You have no obligation to tell me anything, Regulus. If you had told me I would have cherished that secret, but… Your parents are scary mother fuckers. I don't blame you, love.”
That at least eased some tension out of his rigid body. Regulus didn't regret keeping them a secret, it was for his own safety, but he always wondered if things would have turned out differently between them if he wasn't so utterly scared. Because it was good, it was lovely, before it ended. The swirling memories that encased his mind since the beginning of this conversation didn't slowly drift away, like falling leaves in the wind. On the contrary, they seemed to pick up speed. His bubble of quiet sadness was now cracked open, spilling deathly black fog everywhere, and the memory of how it used to be, in the times before, came back to him in full force.
__
Regulus had been thinking of James constantly. It was to the point where the moments he wasn't thinking of the older boy stood out to him, small snippets of blank space on a page of smeared ink adorned by one name.
“James,” Regulus said, slightly surprised to see him walking over. Regulus was sitting under a tree by the black lake, reading. His little spot was completely tucked away, out of view of the castle and other students who roamed the grounds.
“How did you find me?” Regulus asked, puzzled.
“I have my ways,” James replied, a smile tugging at his lips as he plopped down beside Regulus and leaned his back against the same tree. James tilted his head sideways as a strand of light brown hair fell in front of his eyes. His face dripped in speckled sunlight that filtered through the branches above, and Regulus itched to tuck the hair behind his ear again. He shook himself out of thoughts as James looked up at him.
“Hi,” James said quietly, another grin spreading across his face. Regulus knew he'd been caught staring, but couldn't find it in him to care.
“Hi” he whispered back, a small smile decorating his own face. Something had shifted between them. James had always been slightly flirty, but was always obviously a joke. Winking exaggeratedly at Regulus and making inappropriate comments that always had Sirius slapping him upside the head. It was just to tease Sirius' baby brother, just a part of their dynamic, albeit a ridiculous part. Recently, though, it didn't quite feel like a joke. James always found a way to find him, always seeking him out. The playful winks morphed into heated gazes, stares that Regulus seemed to feel before he could see. The warmth of someone truly looking at him, drinking in his curly black hair and dark green robes.
“How was your day?” Regulus asked James, needing to say something before the tension got too much.
“Pretty good, we are in the middle of planning our greatest heist yet,” James replied, eyes glimmering with mischief.
“Heist? Is that was you lot are calling it now? A heist?” Regulus said laughing, setting his book aside to turn and look at James. “First it was “Just casual fun” then it was pranks, then missions, then schemes, and now heists?” Regulus counted all the ridiculous names out on his fingers, shaking his head, a grin lifting the corner of his mouth.
“Yup!” James replied smiling. “Gotta keep people on their toes, you don't know what to expect when you hear the marauders a pulling a heist, do you now”
“You guys are absolutely ridiculous, although I can't deny that I'm looking forward to this heist, as long as you keep myself and my belongings out of it,” Regulus said, looking at James pointedly.
“No promises babe,” James replied with a wink.
“Oh Jesus christ you are intolerable,” Regulus said loudly, grabbing his book and proceeding to wack James with it, a large grin plastered on his face.
“Hey hey hey!” James laughed, scrambling away.
“Unfair fight I don't have a weapon.” James was legitimately pouting, even as he attempted to roll away from the ferocious assault of Regulus' small book.
James was laying on his back in the grass, sunlight flickering over his face. Regulus left the book behind and started lightly punching James on his stomach, their bubbling laughter intertwining and floating into the warm breeze. James propped himself onto his elbows and in one quick move grabbed Regulus' hand and pulled it to the side, to try to make him stop.
As a result, Regulus jolted forward, one hand bracing himself beside James' elbow, trying to balance himself, the other still in James' grasp. Their laughter died down suddenly, as they realized just how close they were together. All Regulus could do was stare at the other boy's face, scanning his features, unable to move.
James' eye locked onto his own and, Regulus, oh Regulus saw it coming. He saw how James' eyes flickered from his lips to his eyes and back down again. He watched as James leaned in, closing the small distance between their faces, and he definitely felt his soft lips press against his. It only lasted a moment, just a whisper of a kiss, but his brain was on overload, not understanding anything.
James pulled back, staring at Regulus for a reaction, a shy smile on his lips.
Lips, that he had just kissed.
Oh.
Oh.
Regulus' brain seemed to turn back on in that instant, as he put one hand behind James' head and pulled him in again, crashing their lips together. It started out frantic, James responding eagerly, pressing his soft lips against Regulus’, deepening the kiss so it was no longer a whisper, it was a roar. It was a lovely fucking kiss, even if it was quite a strange position, with James still propped on his elbows and Regulus leaning over him
Regulus' mind was screaming at him as electric currents seemed to crackle down his spine. James slowly sat up, freeing his hands and using them to grab regulus hips, guiding them down until he was straddling James. The other boy bright one hand up to Regulus’s face, light butterfly touches traced Regulus' jaw, pinpricks of sparks emitting from James' fingertips. They fit together expertly, and the Slytherin boy somehow innately understood, that this, him and James, this was right.
Regulus was transfixed. Everything around faded into dust, inconsequential particles, everything except for James.
This lovely, lovely boy, who he kissed, who was kissing him.
He ran his hand up the back of James' messy hair, and James slid one arm around the small of his back, pulling him in closer, unable to get enough.
It filled Regulus with saccharine sweet thoughts, his heart drunk on the melodic taste. As they slowly pulled away from each other, eyes fluttering open, panic seized his chest.
James could tell, his eyebrows immediately furrowing as his fingertips painted soothing strokes on Regulus’s jaw. He looked down, suddenly not being able to manage this situation.
“Reg?” James whispered, his breath caressing regulus face.
“Hey, love, can you look at me please?”
“James,” he said as James put a finger under his chin and gently lifted it up. Regulus' eyes were wide and his breathing came in faster than normal.
“James, you have to tell me this isn't some joke of yours, that this is real and you actually mean it, because I- I don't- I really don't know what I would do if- if you are going to leave and laugh it off” His voice was shaking by the end. He hated how weak he sounded, but he needed to know, needed to be sure this wasn't just a funny thing for James to do.
“Regulus Arcturus Black. I’ll stay with you for as long as you'll allow me. I mean this. I’m not going to leave” James said, his brown eyes boring into regulus.
Regulus nodded quickly, before he leaned into James' outstretched arms, a relieved smile flickering its way onto his face.
“I'm not going to leave you” James whispered into Regulus' hair as they lay down on the grass.
Those few sentences replayed in his mind for a long time. Tethering him to reality every time his mind wandered, questioning why someone like James Potter would ever be interested in him. Those words, I’m not going to leave, echoed around his mind, proof it wasn’t all just in his head. Unfortunately, it just hurt all the more when James inevitably left.
__
Pandora was smart, smarter than anyone gave her credit for. She quickly realized this was a topic for another time, and easily changed the subject, much to Regulus’ relief. The hours slipped by as the castle was drenched in late evening tranquillity, the ever present shadows elongated by the gas-lit lanterns gracing the stone walls.
Regulus made his way back down to his dormitory, his spirits somewhat lifted after the afternoon with Pandora. Once he arrived back in his room, though, he was reminded of why he couldn't stop his brain from drifting immediately to thoughts of James, especially today. The crumpled letter still frustratingly sat on his bed, where Regulus discarded it angrily this morning. Regulus sighed, his body crumbling onto the bed. He picked up the letter, smoothing the page until sentences formed before his eyes.
“Hi reg
I hope you are having a good year at school, make the most out of it!
I know I haven't written to you at all, but I wanted to know how you were doing. Things here are tough, to be honest. I can't tell you much about what's happening, but I miss you.
From James”
The same surge of anger infiltrated Regulus' chest, just as it had this morning. It coated his tongue, slithering down his throat until it could wrap around his ribs, infecting him with poison.
How did James have the nerve to write that letter? Regulus hadn't heard anything from him in months, months, and now here he was saying I miss you and calling him Reg?
It was so incredibly unfair, and it filled his bones with a bubbling desire to scream, to shred this letter and evict James fucking potter from his stupid fucking head. James was the one that left. He was the one that decided to run away from what they had, him and his aggravating hero complex.
Regulus said he blamed James for everything falling to pieces, but the truth was, he knew it was his fault, and that’s what hurt the most. He wanted to be angry at James, and he was angry, but most of the frothing, poisonous anger was directed at himself, squeezing his lungs until it choked him in fumes of self-hatred.
He didn’t understand anything. He didn’t get why James would write to him now, after months of silence. He didn’t even understand what had happened to them. How did euphoric laughter and soft kisses turn so quickly into tear-stained cheeks and sharp words. Regulus didn’t understand.
__
“James, please. Don't do this” Regulus whispered, his entire body shaking. His breaths were coming quickly, thoughts scribbled haphazardly in his brain, like children's crayon drawings on a wall. Nothing really made sense. Jagged lines and bright colours all mixed together to create a tangled mess.
“I'm sorry,” James said, his eyes brimming with tears. “I'm so sorry”
They were in an empty classroom on the last day of term. Sun flickered through the curtains, setting James alight, a fracture of sunlight bleeding down his chest. And Regulus, well Regulus was left in the darkness, a chasm ripping through his chest, matching James in an appalling juxtaposition.
“Why? Why are you doing this?” Regulus demanded, his face as cold as stone.
His hands were still shaking uncontrollably but he clasped them behind his back, erasing all the scribbled thoughts from his mind until he was just a cold blank page, crisp and untouched.
“Regulus, please, don't look at me like that,” James said, stepping closer.
“Stop” Regulus replied, as he tried to maintain the facade that was slowly crumbling. “I asked you why James. I deserve an answer, at least”
James closed his eyes, standing still, as tears rolled down his pretty face.
“I’ve graduated. I have to help the cause. I have to protect you,” James whispered.
“So, what, abandoning me is your protection?” Regulus replied loudly, anger flaring in his eyes. “Is that what you're saying? That you are doing this for me?”
“Reg please, don’t make this any harder,” James said, taking another step forward.
Regulus shook his head, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. “This is already hard, James. I’m just being realistic. You want this to end so you can go be a little hero and not have to worry about me anymore, not have to think Sirius’s dumb little brother. That’s what this is, isn’t it? The Order of the Phoenix is just an excuse. Don’t bullshit me.” Regulus seethes, tears brimming his eyes before slipping down his cheeks.
“No,” James rasped, his face crumbling. “Reg how could you even think that? If anything were to happen to you, because of me, I don’t think I could live with myself”
“I feel the same way, James, but you don’t see me giving up on us. You told me you wouldn’t leave. You promised James. Was that just a lie? ” Regulus asked, his voice cracking as he stared at the other boy, both of them now out of the fragments of sun, pulled into the shadows.
“I- Regulus. I’m doing this because I-“ James looked at him with longing, stumbling over his words. His brown eyes were impossibly wide as his had lifted slightly, wanting to reach out. “I’m doing this because I love you”
A sob ripped its way out of Regulus' chest, his cold facade crumbling into dust as those words hit him like bullets.
“James, stop it. You can’t say that. Not now” He said, sitting down on a desk, his hands going up to rub his eyes.
“But it’s true, Reg” James whispered, stepping closer.
“Please just get out. I can't do this. If there’s nothing else for you to say, just leave” Regulus choked out, tears flowing freely down his puffy cheeks, his sleeves trying desperately to soak them up.
“But- reg,” James said, stumbling over his words.
“Get the fuck out James. You’ve done enough,” Regulus replied, looking up from his hands, staring at James with a wave of dark anger flickering through his gaze. His heart was cracking, it was as if James had sunk his hand into Regulus' chest, and squeezed his heart so hard it crumbled, leaving only the memory of what once was.
Regulus curled himself into a ball, bringing his knees up to his chest. He could hear James’ hesitation, a stilted silence, the air soaked in trepidation.
“Please” he whispered, glancing up at James for a final time. “Please just leave”
James stared at him for a few moments before nodding his head shakily. He wiped his tears with his sleeves before he slipped out of the room, the door shutting softly behind him.
He was gone.
Just as Regulus expected.
The harsh sobs that racked Regulus' body felt almost surprising. He knew this would happen. It happened every time, and yet he still got attached.
He still trusted. And he still got hurt.
__
Regulus rested his head on his hand, all the anger seeping out of him until he was left sitting in a puddle of numb exhaustion. He didn’t want to deal with this today, he just wanted to sleep. To sleep and not feel the need to wake up.
He slumped into bed, waves of exhaustion rolling over his small frame. Even so, he found himself thinking of a warm smile and lovely brown eyes as he succumbed to the pull of sleep.
Somewhere, hundreds of miles away, James Potter lay awake, missing a boy who fought like a storm. Waves of anger and hopelessness crashing and tumbling together, underneath a lake of clear and calm waters. Only the occasional bubble rose to the surface, disturbing the serenity for a singular moment, a flash of grief in blue eyes. It was a cruel contrast to the frothing waves under the surface that had dragged the boy down. Drowning him in cold dark waters.