goes to waste
“Albus?”
Scorpius could hear scribbling. Scribbling and scratching and pausing, then the sound of glass and liquid, and then more scribbling.
It was late. There was no light in the room except for the dim glow from Albus’ desk lamp.
“Albus,” Scorpius repeated, gently pushing his blanket aside and getting out of bed. He held onto the side of the mattress as he did so, reaching Albus and holding onto his desk for support. Albus reached out to grab his hand, holding it tightly so that he could steady himself. “What are you doing up?”
“What are you doing up?” Albus asked in response, looking away from the paper and setting his quill down so that he could look at Scorpius. Scorpius stared at him. His green eyes seemed duller than before. But, there was a soft smile on his face. A smile Scorpius hadn’t seen in quite some time. Scorpius couldn't help but smile as well.
“I think I asked you first,” Scorpius scoffed lightheartedly. He pulled a chair from the desk out so that it was closer to Albus, taking a seat having already gotten tired of being on his legs.
“I couldn't sleep,” Albus confessed. Albus looked exhausted. Scorpius gazed at him, noticing his dark eye bags and the way his eyes drooped down as if they were begging to be shut.
“Are you writing?” Scorpius asked, his gaze switching over to the parchment on Albus’ desk.
“Yeah,” Albus looked back at the parchment. “Haven't written in a while.”
Scorpius smiled. For as long as he knew Albus, the brunet had always been interested in poetry. Of course, his poetry had improved a lot ever since he was eleven, but Scorpius still found his old works charming. He loved Albus’ poems. He began to read the first line of the poem, but Albus pulled the parchment away before Scorpius could finish, folding it up.
“I'm not done,” Albus smirked. “You can see it later.”
“Oh, you tease,” Scorpius rolled his eyes. He yawned, resting his head on Albus’ shoulder. Albus tensed slightly. Scorpius frowned.
“Go back to sleep,” Albus said softly. “It’s late.”
“Mm,” Scorpius groaned. “It’s only three.”
“ Scorpius .”
“It’s fine, Albus,” Scorpius wrapped his arms around Albus’ neck, kissing his nose. “I’ll sleep later. I miss you.”
“You need to sleep, you’re gonna feel like shit in the morning.”
“Mmmmnnggh,” Scorpius whined, and Albus laughed slightly.
“Come on,” Albus stood, grabbing Scorpius' hand and dragging him to bed.
It was a bit cold, at least it was in Scorpius’ opinion, but Albus was warm. He was always so warm. He felt cozy warm arms wrap around him, and he snuggled into the embrace, feeling Albus’s lips on the back of his neck. Scorpius shut his eyes.
Sleep was nice.
Whenever Scorpius feel good and didn't feel like his body was about to break apart like it was made of glass, he got suspicious. The ‘calm before the storm’, he called it. He found it funny. Albus didn't.
Last night was a good night. This morning, of course, was not.
Scorpius awoke to an empty bed. Odd. Albus was usually the heavy sleeper of the two. Scorpius glanced around, his head aching. He shut his eyes. Too bright.
He moved slightly. He couldn't. There was something heavy on top of him.
It was just his blanket.
He groaned, throwing his head back on his pillow and opening his eyes. He was so tired. And cold. And lonely. Where was Albus?
“Albus,” He tried to call out, his voice quiet and cracked. He exhaled, pulling the blanket up to his neck. Why was it so cold? Was it colder than the night before? It had to be. He needed another blanket. He needed Albus.
He started crying.
He didn't know why. It hurt. The thought lingering at the back of his mind was death. He thought about Albus. He wasn't even here with him. He wanted to be with him. He knew he was getting closer to dying every single day.
A potion sat on his bedside table. He didn't want to take it. They just dragged out his suffering.
Suffering was fine if it was with Albus.
Albus wasn't here.
He started to cry harder, wiping his tears with the blanket.
He didn't want to die.
When he was younger, maybe he did. Maybe he thought about it. Maybe he wished he wasn't born so that his mum would be healthy for a little bit longer and he wouldn't be bullied for something he didn't do. Maybe he went to sleep every night wishing he wouldn't wake up in the morning and have to deal with reality again.
Albus changed things.
Scorpius went to bed thinking about Albus. He woke up knowing that Albus was with him. He wanted to live for Albus.
And he couldn't even do that.
“Fuck,” He whispered, hardly able to make a sound. He covered his face, taking shallow breaths to try and steady his breathing. A whistle noise emitted from his chest with each breath. Probably not a big deal.
He gasped as he cried, wiping his tears as they came. Crying hurt too badly.
“Scorpius, are you up?” A knock came from the door. A voice. His favorite voice in the world. He wanted to speak. He wanted to say he was awake. He wanted to talk to Albus.
He couldn't say anything.
“Scorpiuuus,” Albus sung, struggling to open the door as he carried in a tray of food.
Scorpius smiled as best as he could, wiping his tears. Albus frowned, his eyebrows furrowed.
“Scorpius?” He asked. He set the tray down on the bedside table, then focusing on Scorpius. “What- what's wrong?”
Scorpius shook his head. He wanted to speak. Albus noticed, somehow. Albus always noticed. He handed him the glass of water he'd brought up, holding it in his steady hands until he was sure that Scorpius had a good grip on it. Scorpius still didn't trust himself to spill it, but he took a sip, his trembling hands making the process a bit more difficult. He felt pathetic as he pulled the water away from his lips, allowing Albus to take it and set it back on the table. He felt so weak. He looked up at Albus. He missed his smile. Albus frowned as he looked down at him. He pitied him. A common theme in Scorpius’ life.
“I, um, brought you food,” Albus spoke after a moment. “I know I'm not the best chef, but- you really should eat.”
Scorpius sniffled. He didn't want to eat. He didn't even want to move.
“Do you want me to help you sit up?” Albus asked.
“No,” Scorpius said quickly in his quiet voice, using the little strength he had left to push himself up. He grunted with effort as he sat upright, shutting his eyes tight. He hated everything about this. He hated that Albus was watching him. He hated that he couldn't even fucking sit up without everything hurting. He hated that Albus didn't say anything. He hated that Albus cared. He truly wished he didn't. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so bad to leave him.
“I made you scrambled eggs and bacon, um, I'm not sure if it’s any good-” Albus blabbered. Scorpius knew he was just rambling to make things less awkward.
“Thank you,” Scorpius interrupted. Albus stopped speaking. He grabbed the tray of food, balancing it in his lap and staring down at it. He wasn't hungry.
Albus held his hands behind his back. He looked so awkward. Scorpius found it kind of cute.
“Do you want me to leave you alone?” Albus asked.
No. Never.
Scorpius wanted to say so much.
But he just shook his head.
“Okay,” Albus exhaled.
Scorpius reached up, grabbing Albus’ hand and pulling him closer to him. Albus immediately understood, sitting in bed besides Scorpius.
There was a second of silence. A silence filled with despair and devoid of hope.
Scorpius just wanted one day where everything felt normal. One day where he could forget he was dying.
It had been a few years since the initial diagnosis. It had gotten worse so much faster than he'd expected it to. Perhaps his late diagnosis is to blame. He didn't know. It didn't matter.
Albus was next to him. That was good. He felt a little bit better.
“I love you,” Scorpius said, though it was more of a strained whisper.
Albus didn't respond.
Scorpius put his head on Albus’ shoulder. “I love you so much and I'm- I'm really happy you're here and- you smell nice and I love you.”
Albus let out a laugh that was broken and full of tears. “I love you, too. I love you so much.”
A gentle hand ran through Scorpius’ hair, pushing a few strands out of his face. Albus sniffled, clearing his throat. “Eat your breakfast. Take your potion when you're done."
And Scorpius did.