"Ah, James, there you are," Sirius greets when he makes his way into the train car they're all gathered in together. He's busy writing something down, but Pandora looks up from the notepad and smiles at him. James doesn't smile back.
Regulus is sitting in the corner, his eyes shut and his head tipped back. James could easily mistake him for sleeping, except he can't, because he knows what Regulus looks like when he's sleeping. He knows what Regulus looks like right after a kiss he deems too short, his parted lips and pleading eyes, that sharp tongue of his, words harsh and demanding like that can hide the fact that he's begging for another kiss to make up for the brevity of the one before it. He knows what Regulus looks like right in the middle of his peak of pleasure, when he's feeling really good, his slack-jawed, starry-eyed look and flushed skin. He knows what Regulus looks like right before he breaks a promise he was always lying about in the first place, that lack of remorse and veneer of innocence.
James missed it. He missed it. All the times he's looked into Regulus' eyes, all the different states he's seen Regulus in, and he missed this. He never saw it coming.
A new wave of rage floods him, and he rips his gaze away from Regulus to snatch out a chair and sit down across from Sirius and Pandora. "What are you writing?"
"Listing out all the tributes," Sirius mutters with a frown, his eyebrows furrowed. "Just, ah, getting out there what their strengths and weaknesses were in their games. I don't really remember everyone's, so we'll probably need to rewatch and play all the highlight reels." He pauses and looks up, clearing his throat. "We got the list for who's all been reaped. Bella and Cissa are in the arena with us, James."
"Well, would you look at that? Looks like the whole damn family can't manage to stay out of it," James says shortly, and Sirius blinks. James grinds his molars together. "And who is their mentor? Malfoy, I'm guessing?"
Sirius stares at him and quietly says, "Yes."
"He didn't volunteer for his wife?" James asks. "Wonder why. Hm, maybe because he actually has an ounce of respect for her and what she wants. Maybe he even cares about her. Maybe—"
"Okay, one, that could not be farther from the truth if you fucking tried," Sirius cuts in. "And two, I'm—I'm sensing that you have some things you're clearly upset about—"
"No, really? You sensed that?" James says flatly.
Regulus heaves a sigh and mumbles, "Here we go."
"No, don't make your sarcastic fucking comments under your breath in your little corner," James snaps. "Either open your eyes and look at what the fuck you did, or keep your opinions to yourself. No, wait, I take it back. When it comes to me, you don't get an opinion, actually, so don't even bother looking."
"James," Pandora reprimands him, nearly gasping it like she's never been more shocked in her life.
"Oh. You're—angry at each other? You're fighting?" Sirius blurts out, face scrunching like the idea of that is genuinely the most confusing thing he's ever heard.
"But—but why?" Pandora whines, like she's already fed up, like she just wants all of this to stop being so hard. Well, tough. It's not that fucking simple.
"We broke up. Again," Regulus says dryly, lifting his hand lazily and giving a careless flick of his fingers, and James has to clench the edge of the table to stop himself from instantly losing his shit. Regulus still hasn't opened his eyes.
Sirius looks at James in disbelief. "Now is a hell of a time to go about breaking up! James, what the f—"
"We didn't break up," James interrupts harshly, "because we weren't together. We were never together. He just likes to say things and expects people to go along with it, as if whatever he says is right, like he can make decisions for people, even when he promised not to. But hey, he's a fucking liar, so—"
"Okay, hold on," Sirius says quickly, eyes a little wide as he leans forward on his elbows. He looks a bit pale, suddenly. Worried. "I—yes, right, I see the…issue now. Um, James, if you're—I mean, if you're upset with him about volunteering for you, then you have to be upset with me, too."
And, the thing is, James could be upset with Sirius as well; maybe a part of him is. But Sirius didn't break his promise to James. No, just Regulus. Maybe it makes him a horrible person, but James just—can't. He can't do it. Not both. He can't carry all of this, and Sirius—he needs Sirius, especially through what's coming. And it is different.
It is.
It's different because it wasn't Sirius who actually broke the promise to James. He didn't lie. It's different because there are different things to forgive. Because Sirius didn't fuck him. Sirius didn't hold him. Sirius didn't give him little slices of happiness and rip it away with no remorse.
Sirius is sorry. James can look at him and see that he is.
Regulus wasn't. He isn't. James only had to look into his eyes to see that truth. He remembers, suddenly, that he hadn't been looking into Regulus' eyes when he made the promise, when he lied. Why hadn't James looked? He should have looked.
"No," James says, his voice coming out steady. "No, I don't have to be upset with you, actually. Just him. I'm just upset with him. I hate what he did. I hate—" He stops, the words catching like they're banging on the inside of his throat, awash with the burning acidity of his ever-mounting rage. He flicks his gaze to Regulus, who has finally opened his eyes, looking right at him. James holds his gaze and hopes with everything in him that Regulus sees the truth in James' eyes when he coldly announces, "I hate him."
"You don't hate anything," Sirius argues, sounding strained and a little desperate. "Stop it, James. Come on, please don't do that, yeah? Regulus, he didn't mean that. He's just—he's upset, is all, and he's—"
"I hate you," James states, talking over Sirius as he looks at Regulus. "I didn't get it before, how anyone could ever hate someone they once claimed to love, but now I do. Isn't that ironic, Regulus? I understand now."
There's a heavy, ringing silence on the train, and James can hear the rush of his own blood in his ears, the awful thud of his heart against his ribs. He's so angry. He doesn't even properly know what hatred is, but it has to be this. It has to be whatever the fuck happens to him every time he looks at Regulus and feels like ripping the world apart, like he's being ripped apart with it, like everything is just—it's just—
Regulus abruptly pushes to his feet, slow about it. He holds James’s gaze for a long moment before turning on his heel to stalk out of the room. He barely makes it two steps before he falters, legs giving way beneath him and crumples to the ground, curling in on himself. Regulus’s body is wracked with sobs and something in James twists painfully.
He shoots to his feet, likely to try and comfort Regulus, before he thinks better of it. Instead, he takes a jerky step in Regulus’s direction before changing course with the intent of exiting out the opposite door Regulus had intended to leave from. Sirius blocks his path just as he’s about to exit the train car. “Don’t you fucking dare leave him there.” Sirius snarls, his gaze hard.
A part of James wants to punch him the fac, force him to move. He doesn’t though. He only stares at Sirius with a blank expression. “He may have broken his promise when he volunteered in your stead. But, you, James, you are going to kill him before he even reaches the games.” And oh, oh. It’s liking being stabbed in the heart, Sirius’s words.
He flinches, stumbling back a step. With that, Sirius ushers a very stricken looking Pandora out of the train car, leaving James alone with Regulus. For a long time, or perhaps no time at all, James simply stands there, looking down at the pitiful sight that is Regulus. He’s curled in on himself, a tight ball, shaking and sobbing and-
When he starts hyperventilating, James surges forward, crouching down so he’s directly in front of Regulus. His love and his hatred for Regulus are at war inside of him, fighting the battle of the century. “Regulus, you need to breathe or you’re going to pass out.” James says, which only seems to make everything a hundred times worse. His breaths are quick and short and he won’t open his eyes.
Maybe it was the detached way in which James had uttered the words. Like it didn’t matter to him whether or not Regulus did pass out. Or perhaps it was simply the sound of James’ voice. James doesn’t know, nor does he much care. As it would seem, neither his love nor his hatred are winning. They’re merely weakening one another to allow something else entirely to slip by unnoticed- indifference.
Even so, he does try to soften his tone, knowing that it really would be bad if Regulus were to pass out. He reaches out, ever so slowly and cups Regulus’s face in his hands, sliding his thumbs across his pale cheeks in an attempt to catch his tears before they can track paths all the way down his face. “Hey.” He says gently- or as gently as he can manage given the circumstances. “Breathe, Reg.”
Regulus tries, James has to give him that, he really does. But it isn’t enough. Regulus can’t get ahold of his body in time before he’s careening the rest of the way down to the train’s floor. James catches him before his head can hit the ground. With a sigh, James scoops Regulus up into his arms and brings him to his room aboard the train. By the time they make it there, Regulus is starting to come to, his eyes glossy and unfocused, as though he’s coming out of a deep sleep.
Since Regulus still isn’t really all there, James feels no urge to be cruel. So, he’s careful as he gently lays Regulus down on his bed, tucking the covers in around him. James is about to turn away when Regulus reaches out, his eyes pleading. “James.” He croaks.
How is it that, even know, his name always sounds so beautiful when it’s coming from Regulus’s lips?
It’s a miracle James doesn’t collapse on the spot. He does freeze though, staring down at Regulus’s still outstretched hand. It’s shaking, as is the rest of him. And James thinks, if he doesn’t get into bed with Regulus, if he doesn’t stay with him, Regulus will pass out again.
He tells himself that’s the only reason he does it when he slips beneath the covers.
~•~
Regulus lets James hold him, desperate for it. He isn’t expecting James to do it, so when he does, it feels like a parting gift of some kind. Precious. To be savored. Appreciated for all that it is. He still cries though. It can’t be helped. James hates him. He said so. And he wasn’t lying. Regulus knows he wasn’t lying.
So he cries and cries and cries. Maybe he passes out again. Maybe he just cries himself to sleep. Either way, when he wakes up, James is still there. He’s fallen asleep, and in it he looks so peaceful. Whole. Undamaged. It isn’t long before he’s blinking himself into wakefulness. Prehaps he could feel Regulus’s eyes on him, even in sleep.
James smiles at him sleepily and tugs him a little closer. “Hey.” He whispers, his breath ghosting over Regulus’s nose, his cheeks, his lips. Regulus promptly bursts into tears again. Alarm flares across James’s face before it’s overpowered by that overwhelming need to protect. His hand is at the back of Regulus’s head, fingers twining themselves in his hair as James pulls Regulus into his chest. “Hey, hey, love, it’s okay, you’re okay.”
“No it isn’t.” Regulus sniffles, utterly helpless to his own feelings. Because James hates him. He’s going to die with James hating him. And he can’t bear it.
“What? Hey, no, no, Reg. It’ll be alright. I promise.” Oh. Regulus understands now. James doesn’t know where he is, when he is.
“James.” He chokes out. “It’s after the games, after the quarterly memorial announcement, after the reaping. We’re on a train, headed to the capitol and you hate me.” There it is.
James blinks and his free hand stops rubbing soothing circles into Regulus’s back. Regulus can see his mind working, taking in this information. He watches with rising horror as the comprehension dawns.
“I can’t even stand it when you’re angry with me and now you- you hate me. It won’t be alright. Nothing will ever be alright again.”
“Regulus…” James says, caught inbetween his hatred and something else entirely. “Why? Why did you have to go and do that? Why did you have to lie to me? You- you betrayed me.”
Maybe it’s because this feels so much like a goodbye, the last chance he’ll ever get, but the words just come slipping out. Entirely against his will. “Because I love you.” They’re so soft that Regulus thinks James might not have heard them at all.
James is silent for a very long time after that. Regulus wants to rip off his own skin. He wishes he had just drowned in that river. Almost a year ago now. Could it really have been that long? In his dreams- nightmares- it was only yesterday. But then again, yesterday seems so very far again. Because it is. Gone. Unreachable. Just as James is now.
Regulus has given up any remaining hope entirely by the time James finally speaks. “I don’t think I’m capable of hating you. I want to, I’m so fucking angry with you. But I just, I can’t. No matter how hard I try. I can be cruel to you, angry with you, but I can’t hate you. Because, after everything, I still love you. And in the end that feeling just eclipses everything else.”
Regulus releases a shuttering breath as the flower of hope blooms within him once more. Those words are all it takes. “I don’t understand why you’re so angry with me.” Regulus admits. Because he doesn’t. Not really. Sure, he broke his promise. Lied to him about it from the start. Volunteered himself for certain death. But he just doesn’t get it.
“You don’t get it?” James asks slowly.
Regulus shakes his head. “The moment Pandora called your name, you knew it wasn’t going to be you going into that arena. Effie’s your mother, James. I wasn’t going to let it be her. Losing her, it would have broken you. And Sirius.”
“Losing you is going to break us too.” James says helplessly. “And her mind was made up. There was nothing either of us could have said or done to change it.”
“But I could.” Regulus said. “And I did.”
“You shouldn’t have.”
“You need her, James.”
“I need you more. I need Sirius more. And now, because of you, I’m going to have to lose one of you. I’m going to have to live with that grief for the rest of my life.”
“Yes, James, live. Because you’re going to live.”
“If won’t be living if you aren’t there. Why can’t you see that?”
“Because I can’t stomach the thought of being the one who took part of your family away.”
“You are my family.” James is insistent.
“James, this was never going to go any differently.” Regulus mutters. “If Sirius hadn’t broken his promise to me, then I would still be going into that arena. And Effie would have gone in with me. I wouldn’t have been able to let her die for me. I was never going to make it home.”
James is crying. “Please don’t do this to me.”
Regulus holds him close. “I’m sorry, love, but it’s already done.”
“No, no. I don’t accept that. I can’t accept that.”
“You have to. Unless you bring the capitol to its knees and end the games before everyone is dead, there isn’t anything for it.”
Something hard solidifies in James’s eyes. Something Regulus doesn’t quite like. “Then that, is exactly what I am going to do.”
And he does.