I'm not scared" Carla lowered her eyes, then flicked them back towards Lisa.
Lisa tilted her head knowingly.
Carla looked down again, then back up slightly "I'm not" As she said the words, she knew she didn't have the energy to even vaguely make them sound truthful. She shuffled her body slightly across the counter. That was all it took for Lisa. That little sign that Carla needed her. She couldn't say the words, too stubborn, too proud. But that tiny movement, meant everything.
Lisa moved forward, her arm naturally going around Carla's shoulders and her lips gently meeting her forehead. She pulled her closer, gently. Carla allowed herself to fall. She wrapped her arms around Lisa and buried her head deeply. Closing her eyes, she took in the now familiar scent of her love. Lisa tenderly rubbed her back and rested her head on Carla's.
There were no words needed. Carla nestled closer. She hadn't been held in a long time. Just someone she loved with their arms around her. Not wanting anything, no expectations..just someone there for her. Without question or need for answers, someone holding onto her and keeping her together.
"I love you Carla" Lisa spoke into her hair, peppering her with another kiss, then another "I'm here ok. I've got you"
Carla took a shaky breath, eyes still closed. She gripped Lisa tighter, not able to get close enough. Needing her closer.
"Hey" Lisa pulled away slightly "Come on" She stood Carla up "Let's take this somewhere more comfortable "
"Lisa, I.."
"No, no no..walk with me" she guided Carla to the sofa, never losing her grip on her. They sat as one.
"Ok you listen to me" Lisa positioned herself in the corner "You don't have to pretend with me. You don't have to be anything other than Carla with me. Now come here"
Carla bit the inside of mouth, trying to regain control of her emotions.
"Come here" Lisa repeated herself, arms open wide.
Carla moved forwards and lay her head into the crook of her neck. Lisa closed her arms around Carla, offering a peck on her cheek as she did. Their legs entwined as they both moved as one, fitting together like a jigsaw. Lisa slowly rubbed her thumb along Carla's back.
"It's all right to be scared. I'm scared, I'm scared a lot truth be told"
Carla buried her head into Lisa's neck, a sob escaping.
"Shh" Lisa pulled Carla as close as she could "It's ok, you're ok. You're safe"
Carla finally allowed her tears to fall. All the fear, the agony, the grief she had held in since her admission to hospital erupted. She had tried so hard to be positive and calm and together and strong. But she felt none of those things. She was petrified. She was losing her independence, her health, her final connection to Aidan and she was losing herself. The only thing holding her together at this moment was Lisa. Her arms vice-like around her, gentle kisses on her head. She had never felt so terrified and so safe all at the same time.
"It's ok"
Carla's body shuddered as the sobs began to subside. Her knuckles white as she held Lisa's jumper tightly.
"Shh"
Lisa closed her eyes. She could feel Carla's body tire, the exhaustion taking over "Shh, it's ok."
Carla took a deep breath, she raised her head to look at Lisa. Eyes red, tears streaked down her face "I'm sorry"
"Why are you sorry? You've nothing to apologise for"
"This.." She squeezed her eyes shut "Me, stupid defective, broken me"
"Woah there, easy tiger!" Lisa shifted position, her arms remaining wrapped around Carla "You are none of those things. Well, I mean we are all a little broken" She smiled "and you are kidneyless..so maybe a little defective. But you're not stupid"
Carla laughed with a shake of her head "Oh charming!"
Lisa grinned "Just as well I love you"
Carla's smiled faded "Not sure why at the minute. I'm hardly a good catch." She put her head back onto Lisa's chest.
"No?" Lisa rested her lips on Carla's head for a moment "Yeah I guess. I mean its not like you're a successful business owner, amazing auntie,friend and general goddess" Another kiss "It's not like your cheekbones were carved by some supreme being and you've got a smile that could knock out an entire room!" Lisa popped another kiss on her head "If you're fishing for compliments I've got plenty more"
Carla laughed loudly, she couldn't help it. The last thing in the world she felt like doing was laughing. But lying here in Lisa's arms, she couldn't help it.
"Come on sit up" Lisa started to move
"Sick of me lying on top of you" Carla moved to a sitting position, her eyes cast down.
"No, I'll never get sick of that" Lisa moved Carla's face so she was looking at her "But I want to look you in the eye when I say this next bit"
Carla bit lip "You going to make me cry?"
"Probably. So buckle up buttercup." She winked.
"You're such a weirdo"
"I'm your weirdo" Lisa moved right next to Carla, their knees touching. She took both of her hands in her own and held them to her lips "I need you to listen to me"
"Lisa, look..I erm.."
"No, no I need you to listen" She lowered Carla's hands onto her lap "And I need you to believe me"
Carla nodded, her bottom lip wobbled and she took a deep breath.
"You keep telling me I didn't sign up for this. Like you're a phone contract that has gone a bit wrong, cracked screen and no get out clause." Lisa ran her thumb over the back of Carla's hand "I fell for you so long ago it's ridiculous. Tried to ignore it, did ignore it. Busied myself arresting people you loved and pushed down the feeling I got every single time I saw you" Lisa closed her eyes for a moment "But you were there, in that car..that day. I was so lost and so alone and so tired of everyone and everything and then..the door opened. Bold as brass you sat down, barely knowing my name and you stayed with me." Lisa swallowed hard "I was at my lowest, one of my lowest points and there you were."
Carla squeezed Lisa's hands and smiled softly.
"You kept showing up, our paths kept crossing. But you were straight and I was grieving and that was that. But I didn't realise that the Carla Connor effect is something you can't fight. You can't ignore and you can't run away from. "
Carla blushed "Lisa.."
"You have no idea just how special you are. It's a good thing, because your head would never fit through the front door." Lisa grinned. Their eyes burning into each other "I signed up for every single part of you. Every smile, every look, every touch. Every laugh, every annoying, beautiful, sad part of you. I did warn you I don't do casual"
Carla laughed as tears fell down her cheeks "You did" her voice heavy.
"If I could take a second of your fear and pain away then I would, in a heartbeat. I don't care that there is a dialysis machine in the bedroom or a tube in your stomach. Because in this moment, that's part of you and I signed up for all you" Lisa's blinked back tears "I never thought I could ever feel this way again. I'm so scared of losing you it hurts."
"Hey, you won't lose me." Carla held her hands tighter "You won't."
"Not if you do as your told. Fight with everything you have, for you..for me ..for us" Lisa shook her head, trying to stop the tears "You're scared, I'm scared..just let us be scared together. Don't push me away, don't try and give me outs. I don't need them, I don't want them. I want you. All of you."
Carla flicked a tear from her cheek and then rested her hand on Lisa's shoulder "You made us both cry"
Lisa nodded solemnly.
"I love you" Carla whispered "You're keeping me together, keeping me sane" She ran her thumb across Lisa's cheek "I never wanted you to know how much I need you. Because it scares me. Probably more than my kidney drama.." a wry smile hovered on her lips "I build walls, I always have. Every time I let someone inside of them, I get hurt. Or I hurt them. I give you "outs" because if I do that and you walk away, then its best for you and.." Carla placed her hand on the back of Lisa's neck "I'll know it was best for you..and.." Carla struggled for words.
"Do you want me to walk away?" Lisa placed her on Carla's cheek.
Carla shook her head.
"So stop testing me."
"You, make me feel different. Not just because you're a woman, but because you're you. I've thought in the past I've felt safe, secure, happy and I have in those moments. I'm not selling them short. But this, with you. I never knew this existed." Carla sighed "I don't know what I'm trying to say..I just"
"Say the first thing that comes in your head."
"I am so scared of losing you, that sometimes I can't breathe. It's all so fast and all slow and all so absolutely terrifying. I feel like I hardly know you and yet I know every piece of you. I love you." The words tumbled out quickly.
Lisa smiled and let go of a breath she didn't know she had been holding. She now had both hands on Carla's face "Let's just agree to not lose each other. To talk to each other, to be honest with each other and hold each other. Right now we both need that"
Carla nodded, moving for and brushing her lips across Lisa's "You missed kiss each other.."
"I did ..how remiss of me" she leant forward and allowed Carla's lips to meet hers once more.
"Remiss..?" Carla raised her eyebrows "You've been hanging around Roy too much" she grinned.
Lisa tilted her head, eyes never leaving Carlas "We ok?"
Carla nodded "One more question..then I promise I'll stop being an insecure ratbag"
Lisa grinned "But it's my favourite kind of ratbag"
Carla chuckled softly. Then bit her bottom lip "This.." She pointed at her stomach "It's not..I mean.." She sighed "You don't have to..look or even.."
"Carla" Lisa moved her hand up to stop her talking. She put her hand on the bottom of her top. Eyes flicking up, asking permission.
Carla turned her head away for a moment, tears threatening once more.
"Hey" Lisa guided her head back towards her "Honest with each other, talk to each other.." She repeated her earlier words.
"I hate how it looks and I hate that it's there. I don't want you to see it and.." Her words drifted.
"And what?" Lisa put her hand back onto the bottom of Carla's hoodie "If you don't want me to see it, then that's absolutely fine. It's up to you completely. But please don't think I am going to run, you are totally stuck with me"
Carla glanced down at Lisa's hand and nodded almost imperceptibly.
Lisa slow lifted the hoodie, until she revealed the thing that was causing Carla so much insecurity and fear.
"Well I think, she's quite beautiful" Lisa tenderly stroked the area around the tube with her thumb, carefully to keep a safe distance "Not as beautiful as the woman she is keeping alive..but still..quite something."
Carla stared at Lisa's hand, then up into her eyes.
"Every piece of you" Lisa spoke the words she has said earlier "Maybe we should name her!"
Carla rolled her eyes "Don't be weird"
She grinned.
"Doris? Mildred?"
"Why is she getting old lady names?" Carla looked down at Lisa's hand once more. Settled on her stomach near her belly button. The tube looking less scary than it had.
"Ok then, Tallulah?"
"Tallulah the tube?" Carla shrugged her shoulders "It's a gobful"
Lisa smiled. She lifted her hand from Carla's stomach and placed on the back of her neck. Drawing her in, their lips met.
"You're a gobful!" Lisa looked Carla up and down with a grin.
Carla blushed slightly "Tallulah it is then"
"Lisa, Carla and Tallulah..what a threesome"
The two women gazed at each other for a moment. Lisa placed thumb under Carla's chin "You've got this and I've got you"
Carla leant her head into Lisa's hand "and I've got you.." When their lips met and silence fell. They both felt safer than they ever had. Safe and finally home.