and you’re moving, through my bloodstream
with every heartbeat it’s getting hard to remember to breathe
(Upstream - Anna Bates)
August has a restlessness to it - an urgency she feels and fears cannot escape. Something has been brewing in the pit of her stomach, rotting her liver - she knows the word for it; oh she’s used it many times. Never with him though, not just yet.
As the third weekend of the month approaches and her boyfriend invites her for a refreshing day by the pool she finds herself pondering if the questionable amount of sunscreen she’s applied makes her look like a bit of a snowman. She's in the midst of reflecting this pressing concern when someone puts an arm around her.
‘Red, please get your boyfriend to come out and have some fun.’ Sirius greets her. ‘He’s been moping about you abandoning him since the minute you left. It’s kind of pathetic actually.’
Sirius Black had not changed since she last saw him, same raven-black hair and aristocratic features. Same carefully careless mannerisms and slightly crooked smile.
She grins. ‘Hello to you too Sirius.’
He pats her head. ‘We’re out back. Did you bring drinks?’
She wiggles the bag hanging from her fingers. ‘Do you know where-?’
‘Yes yes, go on, he’s over there.’
James is leaning on the gateway to his pool. Messy hair sticking up and sporting summer-tanned skin glowing incandescently. He’s mid-laughter when she looks.
She admires him and his blinding smile - not at all ready for the overwhelming feeling that arises from her lungs and into her brain - leaving her lightheaded and unbalanced. She stumbles on a tricky step and he rushes to right her. ‘All right there, Lily?’
And there go the butterflies, always when he calls her name. So many years of curses and vicious surnames blossomed into affectionate touches, secrets and summers by his side.
‘Yeah, just the heat I reckon.’ Ohmygod what is wrong with her, he's her boyfriend for god's sake. She shouldn’t be blushing and stumbling around like some school-girl with a crush. Although, fair to say, indeed she is.
‘And your enthralling physique Prongs, I know you make me stumble around you too.’ Sirius winks.
‘Fuck off’
He salutes, bringing two fingers up to his temple. ‘As you wish.’ And promptly jumps into the pool, splashing Lily and making her squeal in surprise. ‘Fuck you.’ She calls after him.
James chuckles in response and turns his head to her.
Lily looks at him then, cupping his head and bringing it closer to her; their lips brushing. She smiles. ‘Hi’ .
James’s smiles back. ‘Hi.’
They pull apart and he tugs her into a hug. She rests her chin on his shoulders and he presses a kiss the crown of her head. ‘How was your summer?’
‘James, I saw you two weeks ago.’
‘Oh so now it's a crime to ask about my girlfriend.’
‘Shove off.’ She makes to step away from her but he grabs her by the waist.
They stay in silence for a few seconds, the air heavy with something sweet. Maybe she’s imagining it but it seems as though they’re both trying to bite back the same words.
James kicks a stray rock and brings a hand up to his hair ‘I’ve missed you, you know.’
She looks down at the water to avoid the intensity of his gaze; his reflection is so bright it hurts her eyes. I’ve missed you too, so much I can taste it, so much I've had to stop myself from showing up on your doorstep and taking your face in my arms and shouting my love for you from the highest rooftop in this cursed city.
‘James..’ She starts, she almost says it right then.
‘Hi Lily’. Interrupts a voice before she can complete her answer.
Remus Lupin comes into the garden wearing a white t-shirt and green swimming trunks, he’s shouldering a bunch of towels and maneuvers them to one side as soon as she sees him, raising a hand in greeting.
‘Remus!’ Lily screams and runs up to hug him. She wraps his fingers around his neck, and they lose balance with the force of the impact, he laughs into her hair and pats her back.
‘Wow, I did not get that much enthusiasm. Did you Prongs?’ Sirius comes up from behind him, raising his sunglasses to his head in contempt.
James sighs. ‘We all knew Moony would steal her away eventually.’
‘Tough luck, you had a good run there.’
‘Oh shut up’ Lily replies, making a very rude gesture that her mother would most definitely not approve of.
She brings her head closer to Remus’. ‘How was last night?’
He avoids her gaze ‘Oh, you know, same as usual.’ He nods at James and Sirius, now performing a fairly dramatic play in which she rips out each of their hearts and proceeds to stomp on them while executing some very intricate dancing routine. ‘They help.’
She nods. ‘I brought around that potion I told you about.’
He starts shaking his head. ‘Lily you don’t have to-’
‘I know.’ She turns to look at him. ‘I want to.’
He quiets. ‘Thank you.’
She presses a kiss to his cheek and hears the drowned screams arise behind her.
—--
He’s laying in the sun and she’s admiring the glow of his golden skin, and how basking in his light is making her see things differently. Like when she woke this morning and thanked a higher power for allowing her to be here at the same time as him. She doesn’t particularly believe in God, much to her family’s disamy; but it feels a bit sacrilegious, to be with him and offer nothing in return - to have him hold her and not ask for forgiveness.
She thinks if there is a God - if she ever met him, she’d just want to thank him, for everything; for him.
She leans down and presses a kiss to his sun-kissed forehead. ‘You’re hot.’
He squints up at her. ‘Thanks?’
She slaps his chest lightly. ‘Your temperature you idiot.’
He laughs softly and nods to the pool. ‘D’you want to go in?’
She offers her hand and pulls him up. ‘Sure.’
—
Of course she knows she has to say it first, it's the natural order of things. She knows he’s waiting for her, not wanting to pressure her, letting her take the lead - write their narrative. And she does feel it, deeply, inconsolably and seraphically. It is almost a tangible thing, a ball of light that has grown in the base of her throat, taking her breath away. But still- something stops her from saying it, fear maybe. Not of rejection- of acknowledgement, of admitting she’s out of control and he’s the only thing keeping her grounded, that she’s been burnt so many times and his kisses are a balm on her red-scrubbed skin.
Shaking her head out of its stupor- she plunges into the pool with a resounding splash, her muscles spasming from the cold.
Lily dives downwards, laying down at the very bottom of the pool, and looking up at the blurry surface.
She thinks about love; and how you dip your feet and get pulled down by the current, how you taste a drop and your head gets tipped back, throat bare, more and more being poured down your lips into your lungs, pooling until you’re drowning in it - gasping for breath but still thirsty for more. Always thirsty.
As her head breaks through the water to come up for air, she can feel his eyes following her every move. ‘Why don’t you quit staring and get in with me?’
He blushes a bit at getting caught, but quickly recovers - messing up his hair and standing to meet her at the edge of the pool. ‘Aren’t you cold?’ he looks up at the suddenly cloudy sky, ‘it’s about to rain I reckon.’
Lily circles his wrist and tugs. ‘Freezing. Come warm me up.’
He sputters out a laugh. ‘Alright then.’
As he takes off his T-shirt Lily can’t help but stare at his toned muscles, he smiles at her like he knows what she’s thinking and pushes himself into the water, grimacing when the cold hits him. ‘Fuck, it’s cold.’ he can hear Lily’s teeth start chattering. ‘C’mere’.
He brings her into her arms and rests his forehead on her shoulder. Rubbing her arms to bring some warmth into them.
Something screams inside of her. She realises that she’s in so deep she can barely feel the bottom.
Every time he does something like this - like kiss her temple or smile from across the room, or take her hand while having dinner with their friends, she feels as though that is it- she has no more love to give to him, no more space in her overflowing heart. He proves her wrong every time, there is always more pouring out of her into his ready steadfast hands.
The glistening warmth inside her is ready to spill out. ‘James.’
Her words must have sounded graver than intended because he quickly rights himself and looks in her eyes. ‘Lily?’ he asks ‘is everything alright?
‘Yes.’ she starts laughing nonsensically- the world’s secrets being revealed to her. It's so simple. ‘Yes, everything’s perfect.’
He brings his hand up to his hair. ‘I’m not sure I underst-’
‘I love you.’
He looks like a deer caught in headlights. Eyes wide, as though confused. ‘What?’
Lily starts to repeat herself but he looks like the words are sinking in and suddenly he’s messily kissing her, every part of her. Her cheeks, her chin, her eyelids, her nose, her shoulder, her throat - making his way up until he finally presses his lips to hers.
Something about him is he kisses with his whole heart; you can feel his love pouring out of his sleeve - which is why when he says it it’s like she’s been hearing it her whole life. Still, it takes her breath away for a second before he swallows her pleasant sigh. ‘I love you, I love you, I love you.’
She starts to feel wet drops fall out of the sky, splashing and splintering when coming in contact with the surface of the pool. Water meeting itself, reuniting in the cycle of all things known and unknown. The birth and the rebirth, cleansing her soul and clearing her vision.
Her name sweet on his lips ‘Lily, Lily, Lily’. He leans down again and presses his lips to hers; it's messy and kind of awkward because they are not able to stop smiles from bubbling up; relishing in this moment when even in the rain he’s holding her and everything is good.
For some reason she thought something would be fundamentally - biologically - wrong about being with him; like his calloused hands and messy hair and clean childhood simply could not belong with her sharp smile and dirty blood. Even so, her body has embraced him as her own; nestling him in her cooked grip and keeping him safe inside.
For him it was different.
James has always known they belonged together; were meant for each other. Didn't need to make sure or question fate; there are times he’s doubted of course - but he’s never given up hope. Really, he’s always known in the back of his head that this could - would - be the outcome.
So when he tilts her chin upwards after hearing the words, it's not anything completely new. It feels like coming home. And when he says them back he can't help the feeling that he's playing right into some sweet cosmic game.
Rain is now ceaselessly pouring, wet pearls peppering their skin as they embrace. Thunder rumbling.
Her eyes inexplicably start watering - the emotion of the moment too much for a second, their whole history resting upon her shoulders. It’s like he understands though, his fingers immediately wiping the tears from her eyes, his lips gently brushing them away from her skin.
‘Alright, Evans?’
She softly nods. ‘We should get out.’
‘We should.’
‘I love you.’
‘I know.’
—---
She’s wearing his sweater, wet hair dripping onto the marble floor. A Bowie record can be heard from across the room. A mug of tea piping hot in front of her. A summer storm waging outside. It’s love.