Not Ever
As soon as James exited the room Mrs. Potter reached into the tray and pulled a few lemon tarts to distribute amongst them.
Regulus bit into one, and the taste– oh the taste. After having a few more Regulus was sure that they were made up of ambrosia and not human food.
“He lessened the sweetness a bit” said Mrs. Potter
“i don't like too sweet things” said Regulus scrunching his nose at the sugar quills
The horrified face that James had made had caused Regulus to laugh quite a bit.
It seems like it's been months since he truly laughed that freely.
Regulus lowers his gaze to the table as a small smile finds its way on his lips whilst memories of him laughing with James run through his head.
“Effie?” Regulus' brows furrowed, why did Sirius sound so worried?
“Yes?” she says, worry lacing her voice, having no doubt picked up on their worried state.
“Is James okay?”
Please say yes
Say yes
Yes, Mrs. Potter please
“Why don't you ask him?” she replied.
“He’s been pulling away a bit, I think. For months there seems to be a shadow in his eyes, and sometimes he's just– gone? Like i don't know how to explain it but his eyes like get darker, kind of and he's not in the moment- trapped in his head you could say. And he looks like he's in pain. I don't like seeing him like that and he always just brushed it off like he doesn't matter, but Effie he does, he does and so much to me”
Regulus seriously wishes that they weren’t having this conversation in front of him because hearing that James has been getting lost and has been sadder from someone who knows him so well hurts so much, and when his brain reminds him that all the pain that James is feeling is because of him hurts worse.
Regulus doesn’t miss the way Mrs.Potter’s eyes shift to him for a fraction of a second before they’re back at Sirius, “Just- tonight just hold him, don’t try and make him talk and hold him. I think he’d appreciate that”
Sirius nods, “I’ll go check on him” and then they leave.
Regulus wants them back because he hasn’t properly spoken to Mrs.Potter yet and he doesn’t want it to be awkward.
Before Regulus is able to make an excuse to leave she starts talking, “I know about you and James” she says. Regulus opens his mouth to say I'm sorry but she beats him to it, “Don’t say sorry. I’ve heard him talk about you anonymously. He loves you more than he has or will ever love anyone and from what I've heard is that you’re a really sweet, caring and nice guy even if you don’t make that first impression. Before, when he told me that you guys broke up I thought that you moved on, or didn’t like him anymore but Regulus, you love him so please tell me why you broke his heart, and even worse broke your own too.”
Regulus takes a moment to process it all and because around her he feels the same safety and comfort and warmth that he felt around James, his lips open and words spill out.
“I didn’t want to– I swear I didn't want to but I truly thought that I was going to get the Dark Mark, a mandatory thing before that is having legilimency be performed on you. If- if that were to happen and i was still with James they’d have hurt me as well as him, and me getting hurt i can stand but James? Gosh no. That one Quidditch injury last year left me in such a bad condition I have no idea what would’ve happened if my Mother was to have found him. So i broke his heart and in the process mine too because if she thought i didn’t care for him now she would have only hurt me not him, and knowing that i would’ve been happy even if she were to kill me. It was only because of Sirius who contacted me about a week after our break-up and tried to convince me, relentlessly trying, that I managed to come here. After that – now – even if I wanted to I wouldn't get with James because I know he would immediately say yes if I asked him but I know how his mind works now, and I also know how much of his heart I broke. I still remember how he told me that I had his heart, and a bit of his mind too and to please handle them with care because he still has problems with himself and I broke it. He trusted me and I broke them and I know him so I know that he hasn’t even let himself be properly sad and it breaks my heart knowing that because I'm the one behind all the pain.”
Mrs. Potter moves around the kitchen island to wrap her arms around Regulus and Regulus feels so so loved and safe in her arms that he just starts to cry, really badly.
Mrs. Potter whispers soft words to him and for a moment he can close his eyes and pretend it's James not Mrs. Potter hugging him.
Just a minute before he remembers why he’s crying and how he may have lost James forever.
And then the tears come back in tidal waves, he could cry himself oceans but he still wouldn't be able to get over the pain which he caused himself by losing James.
Not now.
Not ever.