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JAMES
We didn’t stay up for long, I had tried talking to Sirius and Regina… But they
Didn’t seem up to talking about what happened. So we all went to sleep, yet I don’t think any of us even closed our eyes. I offered for them to stay in my room, however they wanted some space so both of them slept in the guest room. All kinds of thoughts run through my mind.
What had even happened? Was this permanent? More importantly: were both of them okay, why was Sirius covered in blood?
When I wake up I’m drenched in sweat. I take my glasses from my bedside table and put them on. It’s 6:21 am. I don’t remember what time they got here, but I’m guessing it was in the middle of the night. I wonder if they're awake.
I get up from my bed and into my bathroom. I look like a wreck. But if I look like a wreck Sirius and Regina must look even worse. Should I go check on them? I decide that I should wait a bit, so that they can rest. In the meanwhile I change out of my sweaty pyjamas and put on a fresh new pair of clothes.
Even though I originally thought that I would wait to wake them, I can’t. I need to know if they are okay. So I head over to the guest room they are staying in. I open the door slowly so it won't make a sound, and then I peek my head inside. Both of them seem to be asleep on the bed, side by side, hands interlocked. That’s odd, seeing as they seemed so distant with each other last night. But, I am an only child (as much as my parents wanted more children) so I’m not educated in the ways of siblings. I decide to leave them undisturbed, sneaking out and shutting the door.
That's when I hear something creak. I look back and see Sirius slowly closing the door behind him. We make eye contact, and I notice that he still had the clothes on from last night, still covered in blood.
I walked up to him. “Hey.. are you alright?” I ask as I put my hand on his shoulder. He flinches back from my hand and I immediately move away from him.
“I’m sorry. I just… Can't be touched right now.” His eyes seem to be pleading with me to understand. To not be angry or offended.
“Hey, Sirius. It’s alright. We don’t need to do anything you are not comfortable with. You don’t owe anyone anything.”
“Thanks Prongs. You have been so good about all this, so understanding.” He looks back at the door to where Regina is sleeping.
“What are brothers for, aye?”
“I’m gonna go get cleaned up if that is alright.” He says, forcing a grin on his face. It doesn't fool me. I look into his eyes and I can see how tired he is.
“Of course,” I say, smiling. “You can use the shower in my room, I’ll also put out a fresh pair of clothes for you on my bed. See you at breakfast?”
“Yeah, see you in a bit.”
“Perfect.”
SIRIUS
I go straight to James’s bedroom and straight into the bathroom. I turn and catch a look of me in the mirror.
All I see is them.
Their sharp cheekbones. Their grey eyes. Their black hair.
People always compliment me on my looks. And yes, I love the attention I get from them as they gush about how they want to look like me, but I've never really understood why they would want to.
I just look like those monsters some people call my family. Why would anyone want to look like them?
I then remember my clothes, tearing them off of me as fast as I can, not wanting to be in them a second longer. I turn the shower as hot as it will go and stand inside, letting the steamy water burn my skin. It’s the first time I’ve been alone since last night.
My eyes start watering and it has nothing to do with the shower.
Everything makes me remember.
I curl into a ball and let the tears fall, squeezing my legs firmly into my chest.
I feel it. A pain deep in my chest. It feels like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces. Like I have lost a part of me that I didn't know I needed.
But I also feel free. Like I can finally breathe. They’re not looming over me anymore, trying to dictate my every move. Me and James used to talk about me running away late into the night. Hiding behind the curtains of James’s four poster bed in our dorm room, the only light being a lumos charm with James’s wand, we would huddle close and talk for hours about everything we would do after I left.
I would move into the Potters and we would be brothers. Play quidditch together in our garden, eat every meal together, explore the town the Potters live in, and share a room. Back then, our plan seemed perfect. But looking back, we never talked about how I would actually get out. We just assumed I would leave at some point, not going into details. I don't think either of us predicted it would happen like this.
You know what they say, be careful what you wish for.
REGINA
The second I wake up I notice something is wrong. I fell asleep next to Sirius, but he isn't here. He isn't in the room. Come to think of it, I don't know what room this is. I sit bolt upright, reaching for my wand. I locate it on the table beside my bed and grab it fast, pointing it around as I try to figure out my surroundings.
The room in question has walls of light blue and curtains of white, the light streaming in through them. On the opposite side of the room to the bed, is a closet made of wood. Next to that, a desk that holds parchment and a couple of quills.
The more I think, I realise whose house I am in and everything comes flooding back. Mother and fathers rage and everything that followed.
I glance at a clock on the wall above my bed and the time reads 3:30. I slept for a long time.
Suddenly, I hear a knock on the door.
“Reggie?” I hear a voice call out.
“Come in.” I reply, voice rough from having just woken up.
Sirius opens the door slowly, walks in, and sits next to me on the bed. He smiles at me tentatively.
“Did you have a nice sleep?” He asks slowly, as if scared to spook me.
I don’t reply.
“Well, we saved you some lunch if you fancy some. It’s just sandwiches.”
Again, I don’t reply.
After sitting in silence for what feels like an eternity, he gets up and sighs. “Well, it's there if you want some. Me and James will be downstairs. James’s dad is in his study. If you need him, don't be shy to knock. They want to help. They won't hurt you.” Sirius says before exiting the room, closing the door behind him.
I hate it. The way he talks to me. Like I’m some scared child, desperate for his protection. Embarrassingly, that used to be true. I used to follow him around like a lost puppy, hiding behind him, relying on him to protect me from our parents.
But not anymore. I'm not a child anymore, and I can take care of myself.
Summoning up the courage, I open the door and make my way down to the kitchen. As I approach, I hear shouting coming from inside the lounge and I enter. Inside, I find Sirius, Potter and that Pettegrew boy sitting around a table, playing exploding snap. They turn to me as I shut the door.
“Hey Reggie! We were just playing exploding snap, would you like to play?” Potter asks, his voice kind.
“My name is Regina. Get it right Potter.” I drawl.
“Oi Reg, no need to be rude. Here, why don't you join us.” Sirius intervenes quickly.
“I'm just going to eat something and then go back to my room, if it's alright with you.” I reply, already walking past them.
I open the next door and find the kitchen. Inside, I see a blonde girl making drinks. I recognise her from quidditch. I think her name is Mildred or something along those lines. I don't bother learning the names of my opponents. Especially not gryffindors.
She lifts her head to look at me and regards me warily.
“Baby black.” She says, finishing up the drinks. I ignore her, heading straight for the plate of sandwiches.
She leaves seconds later, carrying the drinks into the next room. I think I hear her mutter something along the lines of “Deatheater Scum” under her breath as she leaves. It doesn't bother me. Just walking down the halls in Hogwarts, I get called far worse. The students at school are highly creative, I’ll give them that. It’s no more than I deserve.
After grabbing the plate of food from the counter, I make my way back upstairs, passing my brother and his friends without sparing them so much as a glance.
Once I’m safely in my room the tiredness of the past day catches up to me. After placing the plate on the desk, I get back into my bed. Within minutes, my eyes close and the world goes dark.
—————————————————-
I’m back at Grimmauld Place.
The first thing I notice is a damp, smoky smell. If death had a smell, this is what I imagine it to be. It’s something that I didn’t think I would have to smell again, but there it is. Filling my nostrils, swamping my head, stinging my eyes. There’s a dripping, a small, consistent dripping from the bathroom. A way to tease me, I am sure of it.
The screeching is next. A singular shout from mother. A noise I know all too well, one that echoes through my mind. Then Sirius’ voice, loud and booming, full of defiance. Then it’s his heavy stomps up the stairs and my door opens.
“She’s a bitch, Reggie, I swear,” he seethes. His cheeks are flushed and his normally ‘perfect’ hair is misplaced. I always thought ‘bitch’ was a bit of a word to say to a twelve year old, having never heard it before Sirius spoke it after returning from Hogwarts, but Sirius loved to use it. He closes my door behind him before mother can scream at him again.
“What happened this time?” My voice is smaller than I had expected. I hate hearing them fight, hearing them shout and scream at each other. It scares me, makes me think that mother is going to do something that’ll hurt Sirius more than usual, more than just a small hex.
Sirius’ laugh is cold and full of anger. So unlike his laugh usually, full of joy. It is horrible. It makes my stomach drop and anxiety rise in my chest. “She was giving me grief about my friends at Hogwarts, nothing I haven’t heard before. But she called James’ parents some names I won’t repeat, Reggie.”
Of course he was defending Potter. Well, Potter’s parents, but still. “She’s just trying to protect you, Sirius.”
Sirius raises an eyebrow and narrowed his eyes at me. “Protect me?” He looks at me like I’m a different person. Like he doesn’t recognise me.
I drop my head and Sirius leaves the room without spearing me so much as a glance, slamming the door as he goes, making mother shout again. I sigh. I hear him go back downstairs, yelling at mother.
Mother is still yelling as I make my way down. I go into the living room and she has her wand pointed at Sirius. Dread fills my stomach. A snarl is on her face, her eyes cold and calculating and trained on Sirius.
“Regina, leave, this does not concern you.”
Sirius is sweaty. There’s a gleam over his face. A clear gloss of fear blanketing his skin. I have never seen Sirius look so genuinely scared.
“Mother, stop,” I hear my voice say. It is quiet and for a minute, I don’t realise it had come out of my mouth, but mother turned and looked at me with such a rage that had only been spared for Sirius.
Her lip quiveres in anger. Her wand never leaves Sirius, but her eyes are on me. I feel them burning into me, her eyes searching my own, her body tight with calculations. And then her attention is on Sirius again.
The cutting hex makes its way to Sirius’ abdomen before anyone could move a muscle. A scream forces its way out of Sirius’ mouth before the blood appears through his shirt. A hollow laugh escapes mother’s mouth as Sirius drops to his knees clutching his abdomen.
My legs move me toward Sirius, but mother grabs my arm, roughly. She leans her face down to mine, so close that I can feel her breath on my eyelashes. My body tenses.
“Step out of line again, Regina, and that is the best that’ll come from it.”
The door slammed as she storms out. I collapse next to Sirius, putting my hands over his bloody stomach. I feel a tear crawl out of my eye and shake my head. I have to stay strong, for Sirius.
“KREACHER!” I summon, my voice shaky.
Kreacher heals him soon enough, but not before lecturing us on the importance of behaving. As soon as Kreacher is done, Sirius marches up to bed without another word, leaving me alone in the ballroom with only my thoughts. The tears behind my eyes desperately want to fall but I can’t let them. Not yet. Not out in the open where they could find me.
After a few minutes sitting on the floor, trying to control my breathing, I get up slowly and make my way back to my room, being careful not to make any noise. The last thing I want is for her to see me. When I get to my room, I go straight to my bathroom, clutching the sink as I look in the mirror. My hands were covered in my brother’s blood. My clothes were covered in my brother’s blood. Blood that was spilled because of me. Blood that should never have left his body.
A choked sob leaves my mouth. I try to smother it but all I can do is let the tears fall. There’s no stopping them. There were too many. They’re too fast. My breathing is too fast. My lungs aren’t working. My head is too fuzzy. The thoughts too loud, too loud to stop.
The overbearing smell of death filling my nostrils with each shallow breath.
—————————————————-
I wake with a gasp, bolting upright, my hair stuck to my face with the salty gloss of sweat that had appeared. My heartbeat is erratic and loud, my ears pounding with it. I look around, terrified.
There, standing in the doorway, is a figure. Just stood there. Watching.
The gryffindor friend of Sirius from downstairs. My mind still processing the nightmare, I just sit there and stare at her, unable to move. After a minute of silence, she speaks; “I get them too, you know.” She says, her voice quiet.
I blink at her, not comprehending the words. “The nightmares. I get them too, have for a long time.”
I stay there frozen, for what seems like hours, but then my voice hoarse, I ask “What could you be having nightmares about?” She gives me an exasperated look.
“You know my family is known for their curse breaking?” And, finally, her name clicks. Marlene Mckinnon. I nod, silently. “As curse breakers, it meant my parents saw a lot of dark objects and made a lot of enemies.” Her voice breaks off and she exhales, composing herself.
“When I was younger, me and my dad were at home having lunch while my mum was at Diagon Alley and my brother at Hogwarts. My dad kept on making these jokes the entire time and I could barely breathe from how much I was laughing. You know the awful dad jokes every dad makes?” She asks, with a fond smile despite the tears filling her eyes.
I give her a dubious look.
“Ohh, right- your parents. Sorry.” She mumbles, looking chaste but some humour lingers in her eyes. I can’t help it, I laugh. She looks stunned and I can’t blame her, I'm surprised myself. With that realisation, my laughter abruptly cuts off.
“No, you should carry on, who knew Baby Black had some emotion left in her?” She says, with a grin. I glare at her, but it’s ruined by my lips, unwillingly twitching upwards. She carries on, “We had just sat down for lunch, sandwiches it was, cheese.” She smiles to herself, as if reliving the experience.
“Everything was normal. Just an ordinary day. Until it wasn’t.” She pauses for a second, tears running down her cheeks, the tips of her blond hair wet. “Sorry, I thought I could have this talk without spilling any tears.” she chuckles, wiping her cheeks with her sleeve.
Seeing her like this is so different from how I see her around school. She always seems so happy and confident, never crying, never embarrassed. I always assumed that's why my brother was drawn to her in the first place. They share the same cockiness, the same self assurance. Mckinnon is fast on the quidditch pitch, ruthless. Not at all like the girl I see before me now. She looks small, broken. Exhausted. I look into her eyes and I see myself. I see a girl who has been hit again and again by the world. A girl who has given up. A girl who hides behind a facade, scared to be vulnerable. At that moment, she and I share an understanding.
She interrupts my thoughts, voice shaky, “The doorbell rang, as i was eating. My dad- he went to answer the door. That was the last time I saw him alive.” She lets out a sound that can only be described as a wounded cry of anguish, then covers her mouth.
“How-”
“Deatheaters.” She interrupts, without a pause. Her face hardens, eyes glazed over as if somewhere else entirely.
Oh.
Right.
“My family crossed the wrong people, and then paid the price. They had already killed my mother before visiting us, I only found out days later. I'm the only one left.”
“What about your older brother?” I ask, curiosity getting the better of me.
“He- he went mad with grief. Had to be hospitalised at St Mungos, for his own safety.” She murmurs, her expression filled with grief.
I stare at her, not knowing what to say. The ideal way is to say sorry after someone tells you about the death of their family, but there is no genuinity behind the words. Only pity. Which I don’t think Marlene would appreciate.
I simply lock eyes with her trying to somehow convey that I understand.
She nods, a small smile flickering on her face. “You’re not too bad, Baby Black.”
A rare feeling creeps up that is only familiar when I’m around Pandora, Barty, Evan, and Dorcas. I feel… warm. That’s the only way to describe it.
Maybe staying here won’t be all bad.