Sirius
Sirius didn’t sleep. He couldn’t. He closed his eyes and saw Remus. But it wasn’t Remus, he didn’t look like Remus. His body was mutilated, almost unrecognisable. He looked like all the other Order members and Muggles they’d found after an ambush by the Death Eaters. He was nothing more than a victim of the war.
Sirius shuddered, shaking the vision of his love torn to shreds away. He shouldn’t think like that. He should hold out hope that Remus could escape, that he would find his way home. But he’d seen the aftermaths of torture by the Death Eaters, had seen the remains of their captives. Nobody had survived.
Lily had to force him to eat while James told Dumbledore what had happened. Dumbledore didn’t ask Sirius anything, just eyed him with pity.
He called for an Order meeting the first thing in the morning.
James dragged him along, but he barely listened as Dumbledore filled the rest in on Remus’ abduction.
Marlene asked questions, and Dorcas burst into tears. Peter seemed frozen as he made eye contact with Sirius. But Sirius barely registered it all.
His knees buckled and panic arose in his chest when Dumbledore spoke of the sacrifice Remus had made, the diversion he created so James and Sirius could obtain the object. Sirius wanted to puke. That wasn’t what happened.
He shook his head, his breathing coming out in sharp exhales. Remus was more than a pawn Dumbledore could use in his game of chess.
“Sirius!” someone wrapped their arms around him and he blinked.
His knees had given out and he was sitting on the floor. His hands clutched his wand tightly and his hair hung in front of his face.
“Breath, Sirius,” a soft voice spoke and he lifted his head.
Lily’s green eyes pierced into his and he focused on the way her lips moved as she tried to get him to slow his breathing.
When he’d calmed down, he became aware that he’d been moved to a different room. James, Peter and Lily were sitting around him, all of them watching him with worry on their faces.
“Are you okay?” Peter asked, his face still not fully back to the colour it usually was since having heard about Remus.
“No, I’m not fucking okay,” Sirius snapped. “Remus just got taken by Death Eaters and Dumbledore is treating it like he’s just another pawn he can just throw away. He’s not a fucking pawn!” Sirius dug his palms into his eyes when tears threatened to spill again. “He’s given so fucking much to the Order. Do you know how many times he’s woken up in the middle of the night, plagued by nightmares because of his missions? It’s not right, he shouldn’t be going through that. He deserves more.” Sirius let out a sob. “I need him back, I need my Moony back.”
Lily wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly as he cried. He didn’t want to think about what Remus could be going through right now, didn’t want to think about the possibility that he could already be dead. But he didn’t know what else to think about.
Because it had always been Remus who was on his mind. He’d never been absent from his thoughts since he’d first seen the small boy step into their compartment that very first time. Sirius couldn’t function without Remus, he couldn’t think straight without him. Remus had always been the smartest of the four, always been the more sensible one. And Sirius didn’t want to live without him.
“We’ll find him, Pads,” James said, crouching down beside them. “Moody is setting up a small team to look for him. he’s not being abandoned, Pads. We’re going to look, and we’re going to find him. We’re Marauders, we don’t leave anyone behind.”
Sirius didn’t reply, anxious thoughts crowding his mind as he tried to imagine Remus.
“Remus is strong,” Peter piped up. “He’s resilient. He can hold his own.”
Sirius just closed his eyes and cried.