Going Home
Regulus could barely drag his feet off the Hogwarts express on the late December morning that marked the beginning of winter break. He felt light, almost dizzy with anticipation and heavy dread.
“Where's Sirius?” he muttered, shaking his head to focus. Pandora, who was seated next to him in their little compartment, shrugged.
“Maybe you should sit down, Reg. We aren't going to disembark for another few minutes.”
Regulus shook his head.
“You haven't met my mother,” he said grimly. “I have to be exactly on time.”
Sirius knew this fact too, Regulus guessed. He expected his brother was getting his bag ready and waiting at his compartment door, prepared to dart out the second the train doors opened. Standing next to James…
The ice wrapped painfully around his heart didn't move an inch. Regulus forced the boy from his mind.
“Here.” said Pandora, grabbing a plentiful amount of Chocolate Frogs and other candies and shoving them into his bag. “At least take some of these. From what you’ve told me, there won't be much chocolate where you're going.”
Regulus smiled gratefully, privately thinking he would have to be very lucky to get those candies past his mother. He would throw them away on the way out, he planned. Not wanting to hurt Pandora’s feelings, but not willing to face his mothers wrath if she found them.
A whistle shrieked once, twice, and the train doors swung opening, letting out a huff of steam.
“Bye, Pandora.” Regulus said to his friend. He suddenly felt very awkward; real goodbyes were not something that happened a lot to him. Pandora smiled sadly, then took Regulus by surprise by jumping up and wrapping her thin arms around him in a hug. His body tensed up, unsure of what to do, but Pandora didn't move and he slowly moved his arms around her and squeezed her tightly, tears springing to his eyes. Regulus blinked. He wasn't going to cry, he thought calmly. It struck him suddenly how much he would miss her, enough that leaving would hurt. Regulus took a sharp breath and stepped backwards quickly, not looking at Pandora. He had to get out quickly, he couldn't take the sad look in her eyes any longer.
“I'll see you in a few weeks.” he said to her before he grabbed his bags and walked quickly out of the compartment. Her confused and hurt gray stare followed him all the way down the aisle.
Regulus was almost at the entrance when he ran into Sirius. He was waiting at the door alone. Clearly, he had not forgotten their mother’s rule of timeliness either. His brother’s hair was messed up, his eyes wild and mouth a flat line. They hadn't talked in almost a month, and when Sirius saw him, Regulus saw the surprise in his eyes. Words flew to his head as he stood there with his brother, so many things he could say that he knew would cut him deep. The guilt that flashed across his face was unmistakable. Minutes away from seeing their parents again, Regulus could tell Sirius had been shocked back into reality, dragged from his happy bubble of friends and magic and to the cold house of Black. Yet, when Regulus saw the fear flickering in his older brother’s eyes, all he saw was the scared boy he had known his entire life, whispering to Regulus under the covers that one day they would escape together.
Regulus smiled at him wearily.
“Ready?” he asked. Sirius blinked. Regulus put a comforting hand on his arm, and despite everything, Sirius smiled back at him.
“Yeah, Reg.” his brother said, his eyes silently saying everything Regulus knew he couldn't.
“You're coming back to Grimmauld Place, right?” Regulus blurted out. He couldn't help himself, standing his brother, all he could think about was whether Sirius was going to leave him for good.
“Yeah, of course I am.” Sirius said to Regulus softly. His gray eyes, so much darker than Regulus’s, looked torn and pained. Regulus looked away, staring at his freshly polished shoe.
“I won't leave you, Reg.” Sirius said after a pause. Regulus looked up at him, struggling to look as if he didn't care.
“Really,” his brother continued. “I'll always come back.”
Regulus said nothing, but shuffled a little closer to Sirius and leaned against him, closing his eyes and breathing in the scent of his leather jacket. Sirius shoved him a bit, sending Regulus stumbling with a laugh. Regulus pushed him back, letting out a genuine burst of laughter that felt like sun streaming onto his face. For a moment, everything was like it used to be. Despite his mother being only minutes away, and weeks of Grimmauld Place looming ahead of him, in that one moment, Regulus looked at Sirius’s smiling face and thought everything would be okay.
“You look like a muggle, Sirius. Take that horrible thing off.” Walburga snapped at them the minute they apparated onto the front porch step of Grimmauld Place. The family of four had reunited with little emotion, Walburga and Orion looking mildly annoyed to see their sons again.
“It's cold.” Sirius said shortly, touching his leather jacket as if he was protecting it. Walburga’s face wrinkled in disgust.
“I don't care. Take it off now, or there will be consequences.”
Sirius looked scared but determined, avoiding his mothers poisonous glare with a clenched jaw.
“No.”
Behind them, Orion sighed, seeming already prepared for what was about to happen. Regulus nudged Sirius softly with his foot, pleading with him to stop.
It's not worth it. He wanted to say. Leave it.
But Sirius’s eyes were full of iron, and when Regulus saw the malice burning in Walburga’s pale eyes, he knew it was already over.
“Take. It. Off.” Walburga said in a dangerously calm voice. Fear chilled Regulus’s spine. Sirius said nothing, turning away from his mother defiantly. Walburga for a moment looked enraged, then seemed to master her emotions and grabbed Sirius’s arm, dragging him inside. The look of fear on his brother’s face as he passed through the door made him look painfully young, and Regulus was reminded sharply that his brother was only thirteen years old.
The house was dimly lit and cold, the portraits hanging on the walls followed Regulus with their eyes as he followed his mother and Sirius into the kitchen; their father trailing close behind. The door slammed closed with a thud, giving the impression to Regulus of a cage snapping shut.
“Home sweet home.” Sirius said sarcastically ahead of him. Despite everything, Regulus had to admire his attempt at bravery. Walburga hissed, spinning Sirius around to face her.
“Listen, Sirius. Whatever you think you learned at school, off with your mud-bloods and blood traitors, has not changed in this house. I will not tolerate disrespect, or allow my son to turn into a-” she let out a stream of slurs that made even Regulus wince. Sirius paled, but Regulus could see the red rising in his cheeks, showing his anger.
“You are a Black.” their mother continued. “Act like it, or do not bother being called my son. I will not let you ruin the Black family name, Sirius. Now, Take. Off. The. Jacket.”
Walburga’s face was twisted in rage, her neat hair falling unnoticed in strands around her face, and for the first time in his life, Regulus thought that this woman was insane. Sirius was staring wide-eyed at their mother, obviously trying to put his sarcastic demeanor back on but looking more and more like a scared little boy.
“Come on, Sirius.” Orion said impatiently, putting his hands out to placate his son. “Don't make your mother punish you…”
“Stay out of this, Orion.” Walburga snapped. Their father retreated into the shadows without complaint. Regulus resisted the urge to follow him, feeling a sudden wave of hatred for his cowardly father.
“I won't take it off.” Sirius said stubbornly, slowly backing into a corner and strongly resembling a trapped animal. Walburga looked angry but unsurprised, and took a breath.
“Okay.” she said bitingly. “Then you will have to face the punishment.” Sirius’s face whitened, but he didn't speak.
“Remember.” Walburga said as she raised her wand. “You brought this on yourself.”
Regulus couldn't move, could shout, as Walburga cried “crucio!”, and a jet of red light hit his brother squarely in the chest. Sirius dropped, letting out a sharp scream that was quickly silenced by a muffling charm whispered by Orion. He should shove her, take her wand, run to Sirius, do anything other than stand there uselessly, but fear paralyzed Regulus and all he could do was stare. After a few, drawn-out seconds, Walburga lifted her wand and Sirius collapsed panting on the floor, staring up at his mother with intense hatred.
“This is your doing, Sirius.” Walburga hissed, lifting her wand again. “That was light, I wasn't really trying to hurt you. But if you do not start honoring this family--you will find out what true pain is. Do you understand?”
Sirius spit out blood; he must have bitten his tongue. When he grinned back up at Walburga, his teeth were gleaming red.
“Go fuck yourself.” he said, the cold hatred in his voice making Regulus shudder. Just before Walburga struck him again with a scream of rage, Sirius looked at Regulus, their eyes meeting in a single, painful moment. Regulus couldn't mistake the reproach in his brother's eyes, the silent blame.
“I'm sorry.” he mouthed. But Sirius was already writhing on the floor, mouth open in silent screams. Walburga watched with a look of savage pleasure on her face.
Go fuck yourself. Regulus thought towards her, clinging on to Sirius’s words like they would do anything.
Go fuck yourself, go fuck yourself.
He screamed the words to his mothers back as Sirius's eyes rolled back into his head. But he couldn't say them, couldn't find his brother's courage.
I'll always come back. Sirius's words echoed in Regulus's ears as his brother pulled himself to his feet again.
Run. Regulus thought to him. Don't come back for me. Get out and run.
Sirius was a Gryffindor, however. Past everything, to every bone and muscle in his body, Sirius Black was brave. Regulus knew in that sinking instant that his brother wouldn't run.
Regulus closed his eyes as his mother cursed Sirius again, hating himself all the while for not being brave enough to even watch.
Lying in bed that night, staring out the window at the endless gray and imagining the stars he couldn't see, Regulus sighed. Sirius was pacing in the room next to him, his footsteps pattering quietly on the floor in cadence with the beat of Regulus’s heart. Downstairs, he could faintly hear his mother screaming at his father again, the bitterness in her voice stinging Regulus’s ears. His room was too large, too still. He was surprised to find that he missed the quiet breathing of Evan beside him or the obnoxious snoring of Barty. He would have given anything to have the two boys with him right now, or even better, Pandora. Unwillingly, James Potter’s eyes appeared in his mind, flickering with disappointment, then joy, then the cold blame that had haunted Sirius’s eyes only hours before. Regulus wondered what James was doing right now. Probably fast asleep, tucked in and cozy by his loving parents, bringing him glasses of milk and cookies. Probably not thinking of Regulus. Regulus turned, shoving his face into his pillow with a groan. Two more weeks of this, he wasn't sure he could survive.