He laid in the astronomy tower, thoughts heavy. Not necessarily bad thoughts just… strange ones.
This morning he’d been sitting in class and someone had called his name. He knew it was his name, really, but he just forgot to react to it? And it made him think that, Merlin, he hated that name.
Cassiopeia Black. Not exactly the most casual name. He’d never been able to associate himself with it, as it always seemed to remind him of his family. He’d give anything to have another name, but when he went to think of another one his mind went blank. None suited him.
So many good girls names in the world and not one seemed to fit him. Why was that? Was he broken? Did his family really mess him up so badly that he couldn’t even get his own identity?
He couldn’t help but fill with despair at the thought that his mother had finally gotten to him. And with a stupid fucking name.
It consoled him that he could lay and just stare at the sky. Stars had always been a comfort to him, each and every one of them reminding how small he was. They’d always been a constant in his life no matter what his mother did to him. No matter whether his brother left, the stars were always with him.
He searched each and every one of them, recalling the names to sooth himself. Zosma, Denebola, Regulus. Merlin, wasn’t Regulus such a nice name.
He found himself wishing he was the star Regulus, in the sky, feeling nothing but content. He could just exist within the stars, a beauty to those who saw him but nothing more. A pretty thing with a pretty name.
He wouldn’t even mind being called Regulus here, down on earth. Even if it was a boys name. And wasn’t that just bizarre. No girls names appealed to him but the first guys name he found…
It was probably him being weird. He would find a girls name, one so much better than Regulus. Even if Regulus gave him a warm feeling, a sense of happiness. It meant nothing. Really.
Casting a quick spell to check the time, he realised he was due to go back to his dorm. Sighing a breath of relief, he walked towards the dungeons, subconsciously glad that he wouldn’t need to think about this any longer.
However, as he walked closer and closer to his dorm, to the girls dorm, he felt a sinking feeling in his chest. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t felt it before, it was a familiar feeling, but he was so much more aware of it. It felt so much stronger now.
All because he was going into his own dorm? Was was wrong with him today? He walked into the dorm, attempting to shake the weird feeling. It clearly didn’t work though, since as soon as he went to get changed out of his robes the feeling came back, stronger.
He couldn’t even look in the mirror without it becoming too much. Merlin, what was happening? He couldn’t stand this feeling, there was no way to lessen it, it was relentless. He was desperate to find some comfort. Desperate enough to search out someone he hasn’t spoken to for weeks.
Sirius had run away at the end of the Summer, leaving Regulus in that hell. For good this time. They hadn’t spoken since, both too stubborn to make the first move. But this feeling… it was awful. He couldn’t stand it, he didn’t know how to cope. But his brother, his brother always knew what to do. He’d know what this feeling is, surely he knows how to stop it?
Making up his mind, he made his way towards the Gryffindor common rooms. As a quiet person, he’d always prided himself on being invisible and so he had no trouble overhearing the password.
‘Carpe diem’ how very Gryffindor. Remembering the way to Sirius’ dorm, he walked towards it, hesitating at the door. What is Sirius didn’t want to see him? After all he could have left with his brother, but he chose to stay with his parents. What if he saw that as a betrayal, what if…
The door opened, revealing a tired looking Sirius. He had clearly not expected to see anyone on the other side of the door, let alone his sibling and so a look of confusion took over his face.
“What are you doing here?”
A feeling of anger overtook him. He knew that this was probably amplified by that sinking feeling but he couldn’t help lashing out, “what a warm welcoming that is. If you don’t want me here, I can go.”
“NO!” Siris had clearly surprised himself at how loud he had said that, realising only afterwards how late it was,” No. Please, stay. Don’t leave.”
This took Regulus back. Don’t leave? Sirius is asking him not to leave? Interesting. He knew that he couldn’t act angry at him though - he came here for comfort, not an argument.
“Okay, right. Can I maybe…” he trailed off.
“Can you what? Anything.”
“Can I sleep with you tonight? I don’t want to… I can’t sleep in my dorm.”
Sirius’ eyes widened but he clearly tried to hide it quickly, “Course you can. Can I ask why? Because if any of those girls in your dorm are doing anything to bother you I want to know. To.. talk to them.”
“Can we just sleep? I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Right, yeah. This way…”
Regulus had been inside his brother’s dorm before but never this late. He’d always know open curtains and bright light from the window, so seeing the closed curtains in the darkness startled him. He chose to refuse how his eyes seemed to linger on what he knew as James’ bed. Where James was. Asleep.
He walked towards Sirius’ bed, throwing himself onto it and just laying there, his hands crossed over his chest. He only moved to give Sirius more space. Even when his brother looked over with a concerned expression, he continued to stare up, at the top of the four poster bed.
Sighing, Sirius went to close the bed curtains but clearly decided against it, leaving them open. It made him feel warm that his brother had remembered his fear of the darkness, even when they rarely spoke.
Laying down, Sirius pulled him closer, into a loose embrace. Regulus laid there motionless until he heard his breath even out into unconsciousness, only then moving closer to his brother. Being there, comforted by his brother made him feel as though a weight was lifted off of his chest and he thought once more of his day.
Surely all these things meant something. Not liking a girl name, not liking girl parts, it has meaning. Some part of him knew what that meant but he couldn’t believe that it could be him that was… that wasn’t… a girl. He’d always heard about those people from his parents, but they’d always alienated the idea. He would never imagine it could be him.
He just a normal person. Not a… not a boy. Or was he? Maybe it made sense and maybe, thinking of his childhood, there were signs. He’d always felt discomfort when his chest had grown but he just thought that was average teenage insecurity. All girls hate their body right?
But he knew that he was just trying to convince himself. It wasn’t a normal ‘girl’ thing to hate dresses, to feel this sinking feeling at the sight of femininity. He was, deep down, not a girl. And he knew it.
He felt tears roll down his cheek as he laid there, a boy, in his brothers arms. He feared for the next morning but he felt comfort by the knowledge that his brother would stick by him. Sirius’ immediate acceptance of Regulus being here reminded him that, no matter what, they were siblings.
Falling into a dreamless sleep, he hugged Sirius tighter.
—————————————————-
Regulus slowly became aware that is was the morning as the noise of whispering grew. He couldn’t tell who the sound was coming from, since the bed curtains had been closed. He smiled as he saw the light hanging from above, probably transfigured by Sirius to keep away the darkness.
As his mind lost the fogginess of sleep, he becomes more aware of what was being said.
“ I don’t know what’s wrong, I just want to help James.”
“You’ll figure it out. I know that you two have had your differences but you love each other right? It’ll sort itself out.”
Ah. So they were talking about him. Wanting to break up the conversation, he emerged from the bed to stand by the two boys. They both stared at him, clearly realising that he had overheard their conversation.
He knew after last night that he needed to talk to Sirius as soon as possible, if not for himself but to calm his brother’s worries.
“Sirius, I need to talk to you.” He had attempted to say this in a calm, collected manner but he knew there was a slight tremble in his voice. Even after accepting that this was real, after so much denial, did a small voice in his head tell him he was faking it. His only comfort was the realisation that this voice was scarily close to his mothers and therefore was a voice that didn’t deserve to be heard.
“Yeah, course, what’s up? You know that you can tell me anything, even if kids are picking on you, I can sort it out…”
Wanting to break up Sirius’ rambling he interrupted, “ It’s not other people that’s the issue. Can we talk somewhere private?”
He looked confused for a second, not realising James was there. Of course he didn’t, they were like the same person at this point, always together as if they were one.
“Yeah, sure. James could you maybe go for a minute? Maybe join Peter in the dining hall, breakfast will have started by now.”
Looking reluctant, James left slowly, as if he was waiting for Sirius to change his mind. Sneaking a glimpse of the curve of his shoulders and the curls of his hair, Regulus felt warm. No. This wasn’t the time, one realisation was enough for today.
Only when the door closed did Regulus turn back to his brother, a worried expression on his face. Sirius was evidently startled by this, since he’d seen his sibling go through so much and still look unbothered,
“God, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. Surely what you have to tell me isn’t that bad.”
Regulus’ anxiety only grew. “Well, trust me, it’s not what you’re expecting, “ he let out a chuckle that only achieved sounding more terrified. He tried to remain serious, continuing, “ What I want to tell you is that I’m… “
“Nothing will change us, you know that. You’re my sister.”
“No, that’s exactly the problem.” He stood up taller,” I’m not… I’m not that. Sirius I’m a boy.”
He fought off the urge to completely panic at the confusion on his brothers face. “You… oh.” His eyes widened as he left his mouth wide open. Regulus stood there, motionless, as Sirius clearly struggled to take this in. After the longest minutes of his life, Sirius looked him in the eyes and said, with a serious expression,
“I accept you, I mean I did not see this coming but maybe I did… Is there a name you like? Oh! And do you want me to use he / him for you?”
A wave, no a tsunami of relief rushed over Regulus and he struggled to fight a grin. He couldn’t even express the sheer joy those words had brought him and he ran up to his brother, wrapping his arms around him. Sirius, not expecting the embrace stood still for a second until he slowly returned, hugging is brother.
“Regulus.” He whispered.
“Regulus. Couldn’t leave the dumb star names, could you?”
“Fuck off.” His words held no heat and he continued to hold Sirius.
“I like it. Suits you - my brother, Regulus. It has a ring to it, don’t you think?”
Regulus hummed an affirmative as he felt tears in his eyes. Happy tears. He didn’t know what the future had for him, or what would happen, but he knew that he had Sirius. After all, they were brothers.