We used to be brothers
Sirius was exhausted, he hadn't expected to be on the lookout for the investigation into international merchandise trafficking. He, James and Frank had been carrying out this investigation for two months, when on Wednesday afternoon they received an anonymous tip that a new stolen shipment would arrive at dawn, so he and James stayed all night in a car waiting for some strange movement. on the street, something that only happened around five o'clock in the morning.
A career in the police was never something Sirius envisioned for himself. He and James were friends with some police officers who patrolled the street next to the bar where they worked in college. That's when they started going to some fighting competitions, running, shooting classes - both, he and James went the first time just to watch, they were both afraid of guns. By the end of college they were so into it that they joined the police training course.
In the beginning, when he and James weren't partners yet, the guy he patrolled with constantly bullied him with homophobic comments that often jeopardized his work, in those months he doubted the career he was following - although he graduated as one of the first in the class, and almost dropped out. It was Remus who encouraged him, showing the importance of queer representation in the military, emphasizing how having someone like Sirius on the police force could inspire others to be brave and accept themselves, regardless of their sexual orientation.This support was a turning point for Sirius. He realized that his presence on the police force was not just about him, but about being a voice for those who were marginalized and discriminated against. He decided that not only would he prove his worth as a police officer, but he would challenge prejudice and bigotry whenever he encountered them, becoming even more determined in his career, with dedication and exceptional skills, rising to prominence on the job.
"Shit" It was already eight in the morning and the arrest reports were still half done, and Sirius had to be at the hospital with Regulus in two hours.. “The next interrogation, what time is it scheduled for?” he looked at the clock on the wall checking the time he had left.
James approached with two cups of coffee and handed one to him. "At eleven" Sirius cursed, throwing the papers on the table, tired James asked, "Have you finished describing Thomas' statement yet?"
Sirius handed him the papers "I have an appointment at ten, I have to leave in a bit" as he spoke he looked for Longbottom around the room
“What appointment?”
"The next session of.. " he stopped responding as soon as he realized what he was going to say "forget it, it's something with Reg and Barty"
"So... hm are they together or something? What happened to Barry and Evan?" The question was asked casually, but Sirius still detected the interest in his friend's tone.
"They got married" Sirius answered automatically, going back to his computer.
"Reggie and Barty?" James, wide-eyed, asked indignantly
Sirius, with his eyes closed, turned his attention to James when he noticed the apprehension in his friend's voice, and for a few moments he thought about lying just to see his friend's reaction, but gave up in the end "Nop, that was Evan and Barty , with the Eiffel Tower and all"
James nodded in final agreement and Sirius noticed the sigh of relief he let out, "Well, I'm happy for them. Are they here too?"
"Yes, actually…" Sirius didn't finish answering, getting up as soon as he saw Frank enter the room he jumped to his feet immediately. To James he concluded: "Sorry, I'll tell you everything later."
He lures Frank into a more discreet area of the room, where he talks privately asking for leave for the rest of the day and for instructions on how to request vacation.
When Sirius arrived at the hospital he found an angry Regulus beside Barty.
"You're late" Regulus was already impatient and angry
Sirius sighed as he approached his brother, "I know, I know, sorry, we were on stakeout tonight and then I went back to the police station to…"
"I didn't ask and next time let me know if you can't come" Regulus interrupted his brother, turning to Barty he continued "I think you can go now"
The more Sirius watched, the less he understood Barty and Regulus' friendship, at first it was a simple dislike for Crouch, for his family, for the way he spoke and for how he fit into that whole environment that Sirius tried to escape, but over time it became a jealous brother. Like right now, where the two of them are having this whole conversation with whispers, glances and sighs. He remembers that it was like that with Regulus once, when they were kids, before school, when it was just the two of them.
"I'll never understand how your ex is also your best friend" Sirius and Regulus were alone in the elevator when he brought up the subject.
Regulus, who looked at him with a bored expression "Your best friend is your boyfriend, and my other ex is your best friend, how do you explain that?"
“Yes, but it's normal, right? Having your boyfriend as a best friend, but in your case it's your ex, who is married by the way. It's about James, it's always good to remember that I came first”
Regulus rolled his eyes, demonstrating how much he thought his brother was stupid "So if you break up with Lupin…."Sirius shuddered at the thought of that happening, to which Regulus snorted "Will the friendship instantly end?" ignoring the comment about James.
"Of course not, and I see your point but I still think it's weird" Sirius finished as the elevator door opened revealing the cold white corridor, making both brothers shiver with the hospital vibe.
"I know that for less evolved people like you it may seem strange, but in the end it makes sense if you think that you can still be best friends with someone who was once so important to you and knows you so intimately" Regulus shrugged.
Sirius nodded in agreement as he walked into the chemo prep room, "I know a lot of people manage to maintain healthy friendships after a breakup, but it's still a little confusing."
"I think it all depends on the basis of the relationship. If you were friends before you started dating, as I was, where our history was more important than the anger or sadness of being in love with other people, it helps with the transition" Regulus greeted the nurse, who then helped him get ready, following the same steps as the first time
Sirius, this time, was closer to his brother, following the whole process, he was able to see in more detail the size of the needle and Regulus locking his jaw and held his breath, keeping strong while it was placed. After a few minutes both were already in the room each in their place - the same as the last time and even with the same people.
"How were these last few days?" Sirius asked after a few minutes of silence, as if the conversation they had in the corridor had come to an end.
Regulus took a deep breath and for a few seconds Sirius thought he wouldn't have an answer, that it would be like the last time "I'm finishing my last book, and I still haven't decided on the ending, so I always end up having to rewrite it because I didn't like how it turned out, besides there's It has rained a lot the last few days which prevents me from going out"
"Wow, I think that's the most you've said to me without cursing or being sarcastic" Sirius was taken aback by his brother's so passive attitude "Are you sure everything's okay? By the way, I didn't know your anxiety attacks had come back" he asked as he found a comfortable position in the chair
"It still happens sometimes but for no specific reason" Regulus replied looking seriously at him "I'm not in the mood to be fighting with you anymore, and if it's for you to come and we're fighting there's no reason to insist on that, right?"
"Why?" Sirius understood what his brother meant, but he was still heartbroken by the possibilities that change of heart implied.
"Because I'm tired Sirius, we've been trying for years to save our relationship, but I've already accepted that the brother who stayed by my side until I fell asleep, who read stories to me, who fought with me when I got hurt but still healed my wounds doesn't exist anymore, just like the fragile little brother you think I am doesn't exist either but despite everything we're brothers, and for some reason sometimes, ironically, I still feel like all I need is you, and that's something that's never changed", while answering Regulus looked at the other patients around the room "We don't know how this is going to end, and I don't want to spend the time we have arguing and hurting each other, that's the truth"
Sirius felt a knot form in his chest, that helpless feeling since learning about the illness. The feeling of having failed. He failed as an older brother. How can he fail in a role that has always been his since Regulus was a little boy looking up to him in awe? He was supposed to be the protector, the trusting one, the one who would ward off problems and calm fears. When did everything change?
Now, he wished more than ever that he had the power to take away all pain and illness.
"I'm going to request some time off," Sirius said gently, and as Regulus looked at him with confusion, he continued, "I had mentioned before that I would need to take some time away, but now it's decided. I'm taking a month off."
"You don't have to" Regulus shook his head "Sirius, I don't want to disturb your life"
"You won't" Silence fell over the brothers, lowering his voice he commented "I think if you hadn't dated James, I wouldn't even know you had anxiety attacks. Crouch handled your crisis very well, by the way.Are you still going to therapy and taking your medication?"
"Barty was with me in my first crisis, he can handle it better than me" At that moment Sirius thought about how many times he was replaced by Barty
"We never talked about it, how did it start? When James called me during his crisis on your trip to France I didn't even know what to do when he asked me for help, I didn't even know you were going through it"
"Do you remember the first summer you spent at the Potters? You fought with Mum every day for a week until she let you go, even though that summer she had planned a trip for us with Aunt Druella"
“That trip would be hell, Aunt Druella always got drunk and started arguing with those closest to her, Bellatrix and Rabastan also went on that trip, right? I don't know how you put up with it” Sirius scoffed as he remembered his mother's travel plans.
Regulus looked at him with a hurt and disbelieving expression: “I didn't” He started to speak “I cried almost every day that summer. You weren't there, and mom made me do a lot of things in your place and she'd scold me every time I did something wrong. I heard every day that I was too complacent, too weak, that I couldn't take over the family business because …..” the more he spoke the more his expression became sad “You were the eldest son she wanted to introduce to everyone at events of that year. And when the summer was over, and you came home with an earring in your ear, causing more fights, and at the end of it, you still told me that it was the best summer of your life.”
Sirius listened intently to Regulus' words, in denial with his brother's every word. He didn't know how difficult that summer had been for Regulus, as he remembers that summer fondly. It was the first big season he spent at James' house, before that he only stayed during the weekend. Remus and Peter also spent two weeks with them, the Marauders, as they called the group.
They traveled to the Potter family's summer home and spent the whole day on the beach, playing ball. At night they set up projections in the backyard of the house and watched movies until the wee hours of the morning. They got reindeer tattoos that summer each with a different animal, which is where the nicknames came from. That summer changed their friendship, and that was when Sirius first felt special, that he had a place to belong.
Now the happy memories of that summer were accompanied by a feeling of guilt. "Reggie," began Sirius, his voice softer than ever, "I'm so sorry. I never knew you were going through all this back then, you should have told me it was happening."
Regulus closed his eyes for a moment, letting out a sigh. "You asked me when the attacks started, it was during that summer, it got worse when we got back to school. For a long time, I blamed you and held resentment because of it, but it doesn't matter anymore,"
Sirius nodded sadly, feeling the gravity of Regulus' words. "That's when everything changed, right? When you started to hate me, I remember now that after that we barely spoke anymore when we were home alone"
"I think that's when I actually gave up" Regulus looked back at the other people in the room and Sirius did the same. Both brothers reflecting on the time their relationship completely changed.
"My first year at Hogwarts, I missed you like hell," Sirius broke the silence, attracting Regulus's attention, "every nice thing that happened to me I wanted to call you to tell you but you never answered the calls on the weekend"
Regulus let out a sigh, and Sirius saw his brother's eyes filling with tears "I never knew you called"
Sirius always assumed this was the case "Our mother is a great fucking bitch, I fucking hate her" he said exasperatedly.
Regulus nodded his head softly in agreement and blinked away the tears. Across the room from them was a red-haired lady, looking at them in disbelief after what she heard.
Sirius hated his mother and everything she stood for. The Black family matriarch embodied the rigid, oppressive world he grew up in, a world he'd always struggled to escape, from antiquated traditions to obsessive expectations of nobility. Sirius knew that, in her eyes, he was a traitor for not blindly following those principles, for choosing a life outside the rules his family followed. He remembered the bitter arguments and cruel words he exchanged with his mother, the fruitless attempts to make her understand that he did not share the Blacks' prejudiced and discriminatory beliefs. She was a relentless woman, willing to sacrifice everything in the name of preserving family traditions.
“Are you going to contact them?” Sirius asked
“I have no reason to do this”
"When I left home I swore you would be fine with them" Sirius recalls how much he thought his family preferred Regulus to him, how he was the black sheep and Regulus the perfect son "You never fought with them, always did what they asked”
"Makes you think that would help something, doesn't it?" Regulus winced in pain as he accidentally moved his arm with the needle "What part of our childhood and all those punishments makes it seem to you that they would treat me differently in your absence?"
“It's so unbelievable to think what they did to us, I tend to think of them as just the ones who gave me life, but sometimes I still find myself thinking about what we did to deserve it, how they could hurt a child without feeling guilt in the name of old traditions. I don't think I'll ever forget, even though I try, and that’s why I can't forgive them” Sirius said with a dark look.
“You turned out well in the end” Regulus looked towards his brother with a small smile on his face “An almost-fiancé, a prestigious career, loyal friends, amazing adoptive parents who love you as if you were their own. You're doing alright, aren't you?"
Sirius returned Regulus's smile, appreciating his words "True, but mostly importantly, I have you" Regulus made a mocking noise "Seriously though, for many years I thought I had lost you as a brother, that you hated me, that you had to see your life from afar through pictures or gossip, but somehow we are still here together through it all”
This was a long overdue conversation, and Sirius couldn't help but think that if it weren't for the illness situation they never would have had it. There were still many things he wanted to ask, unresolved questions and difficult conversations they needed to have, but Sirius was determined to approach them carefully and in a timely manner. Time he prayed they would have, because in the back of his mind there was that whisper saying they had little time and he refused to listen.
______________________
Garrick Ollivander's consulting room was a haven of tranquility for Regulus. The cozy atmosphere with a view of the park, the warm coffee and cookies on the center table, and even the cat snuggled in the analyst's lap, allowed for the creation of a space where Regulus felt comfortable sharing his deepest thoughts and fears. He was his patient for a long time, since he was nineteen, they had been working together in regular therapy sessions. Initially it was two sessions a week, then one, and in later years they had settled into biweekly sessions. However, with the discovery of Regulus' disease, the sessions were held once a week again, something like additional support to the treatment.
The last session was on Monday, the day after dinner with Sirius and Remus, after his anxiety attack, when he found out that James was getting married.
From the first session, one thing that was worked on was Regulus's fear that everyone would leave him, of being abandoned and rejected. He was afraid of loving someone deeply and then being left behind, an emotional trauma that dated back to his troubled relationship with Sirius and recently about James.
During that session, they delved into how James' wedding had triggered such deep emotions that it led to an attack, making him feel vulnerable and insecure once again. But most importantly, they discussed the feeling that time was running out, something Regulus had come to believe with the news of his illness. The uncertainty about the future and the awareness of his own mortality had become a constant source of anxiety.
Regulus expressed his fears of not having enough time to do the things he still wanted to do.
The plan at the beginning, whe he left, was to become secure enough to be able to love without fear, in your self-acceptance and in your ability to trust others. But time passed and things went on without him. Adding to the feeling that he wasn't important enough, not to Sirius, not to James. So he stayed where he was, trying to find himself on other paths he would have walked alone, that's when writing came, traveling with friends, a glimpse of a relationship.
But now the fear has returned.
"I'm still waiting for him to go away, sometimes I think I'm the one who wants him to go away, so I pester him so that he loses his temper and leaves me, as if that would confirm what I already knew." Regulus admitted the thought about the brother's return to his life.
“Reconciliation and building a healthy relationship takes time, in which it is important to be patient with yourself and your brother, and to know your limits. In this phase that you are in, illnesses will leave you both vulnerable, especially you, it is fundamental to take care of your own emotional needs” The therapist encouraged Regulus to be aware of his own limits and not to overload himself, reminding him that he also needed support and care. Ollivander emphasized that as they moved toward building a healthier relationship, self-compassion and respect for one's boundaries were critical to the success of that journey.
That was why during the chemotherapy session that day Regulus allowed himself to be honest with his brother. Which sparked deep conversations he didn't know he was prepared for, the words flowed between, and they shared thoughts, feelings and memories they had held back for so long, allowing for mutual understanding.
At the end of the session everything went well and this time Regulus already knew what to expect in a few hours. But things changed when on the way home he got dizzy and had to ask Sirius to the car to throw up.
Sirius, worried, quickly parked the car and helped Regulus out, holding him while he vomited. “Easy, breathe, Dr. Pomfrey said this could happen, remember? Calm down"
Regulus closed his eyes and took a deep breath, sitting back on the car seat and calming down.After he felt a little better, they continued the journey back home.But the surprise continued with him passing out as soon as he entered the house. When he woke up, which was minutes later he had been laid out on the sofa with his friends around him worried and Sirius yelling at them.
Barty knelt on the floor next to him so they were at the same height "Regulus, are you back to earth?" he joked
Regulus still felt dizzy and weaker "Take me to the room, I'm tired"
Barty made a noise of agreement and went to get ready to pick his friend up when he was interrupted by Sirius "Let me do it"
Barty rolled his eyes but made room for Sirius to carry Regulus.
When Regulus woke up again hours later, his room had the curtains closed. His first morbid thought was that he was alone, that he was weak and breathlessand needed help. His breathing quickened, and when he tried to sit up, dizziness washed over him, intensifying his panic. Tears welled in his eyes, and his chest tightened. "Barty," he called out to his friend in the midst of the panic.
He doesn't know how long it took but he recognized his friend by his side trying to help him control his breathing "With me, okay? Inhale" They did the movement together "Good, now exhale" they repeated the movements a few times, and it was after a while It was time when his breathing was more stabilized, he noticed Sirius' presence behind Barty.
"What time is it? You should have left" he asked looking at his brother, Barty also turned towards Sirius
Sirius shook his head "I'm not leaving you like this"
Regulus and Barty exchanged glances "You don't have to worry, I'll take a shower now and then I'll try to eat something, at most what will happen is I get dizzy again and throw up"
“And you think this is not a cause for concern?” Sirius asked in disbelief
“We can handle it from now on, you can go and let him with us,” Barty chimed in “he's right, he's just going to sleep again and we've got his meds since last time”
"Last time?" Sirius looked between the two of them not knowing what had happened in the last session
Regulus sighed "I..." he didn't want to have to contradict himself, so he cautiously continued "I might have felt sick after the last session"
"What?"
"It was no big deal" Regulus tried to say but Sirius must have seen something in Barty's expression that made him speak.
“Ev and Pands found him passed out on the bathroom floor”
"WHAT?!" Sirius' expression was one of fear, concern and disbelief. “Did you lie to me? You said you felt nothing”
Regulus opened and closed his mouth, took a deep breath and ignored his brother walking past him and heading towards the bathroom. Minutes later, when he left, he found Barty and Evan in the room. "Is he gone yet?"
"Looks like he's finally going to use his room" replied Barty throwing himself on the bed
“Are you better?” Evan asked as he sat down next to her husband.
“Still weak and a little dizzy”
“Two attacks in one week” Barty whistled in acknowledgment “That hasn't happened since middle school”
Regulus agreed although he didn't want to say too much about the subject "The curtains are closed"
Barty and Evan automatically looked towards the window realizing what happened.
When they went down to the kitchen, Pandora had prepared some soup for him, to which he made a face, making his friend roll her eyes and scold him. “Where is Dorcas?” He noticed that the other friend still hadn't shown up.
“Upstairs helping your brother” as she finished speaking they both appeared
"How are you darling?" Dorcas sat next to him putting her arms around his shoulder in a side hug.
“Fine” he replied, looking at his brother who was leaning against the counter analyzing him “Are you really going to spend the night?”
"I said yes" Sirius said sharply
__________________________
Sirius was more than twenty-four hours without sleep, at the end of dinner the loademotional of the day and the exhaustion from work made him prepare for bed early. He had just checked on Regulus, who had gone to bed after dinner and was in bed reading his book. As he closed the door that had been assigned to him –he found out from Dorcas that this had always been Remus and Sirius' room in the home – his phone rang.
“Where the fuck are you?” It was then that Sirius realized he had gone the whole day without contacting his boyfriend.
"Hey baby" He began to speak in a soft voice to try to calm Remus "A situation has arisen"
"Prongs said you left work this morning" Remus interrupted him
"I'm with Regulus, I’ll spend the night here, okay?" He preferred to be direct
"Did something happen? He is fine?" Remus changed his voice
Sirius sat up in bed and rubbed his tired eyes "He felt sick today" all he wanted was to be able to talk to Remus about everything that was going on "He... Moony I just need to stay here with him" he sighed
On the other end of the line, Remus was silent for a few seconds. "You're not going to tell me what's going on, are you?"
"You can guess" Sirius jokes
Remus made a mocking noise "Two sleepless nights without you , you'll have to make it up to me" he changed the subject
"Of course I will" Sirius got up and headed towards the bathroom taking off his clothes to shower "Actually, I have plans for us"
Sirius had the dream of the gods, it was almost impossible to wake him up after he slept, except when he was working. That night he woke up twice, and it was the second time he decided to get up and check on Regulus again.
Upon entering the room, he didn't find his brother in bed, but the bathroom light was on. Following the sound, he could imagine what was happening. The sight of his brother, vomiting and trembling, made all of Sirius's sleepiness vanish.
“Calm down, calm down” He approached his worried brother, running his hand over his back trying to comfort him, but that's when he realized something else, his brother was burning with fever “Damn it, you're burning up”
Regulus lifted his head looking towards Sirius, he was breathing heavily and was still shaking.
“Where are the fever meds?” Sirius asked looking around the bathroom
"First drawer next to the bed" Regulus leaned back against the bathtub and closed his eyes trying to calm down
Minutes later, after he gave his brother medicine and they both waited in silence to see if he would vomit again, they returned to the bedroom. Regulus lay down on the bed and wrapped himself up completely. Sirius wasn't sure whether to go back to his room or stay with his brother.
"You can lie down here if you like" Regulus interrupted his internal debate, and soon Sirius was also lying down next to his brother.
It's at this moment that he has a dejavu, of all those times they did this when they were kids "It's just like old times" he whispered and Regulus nodded
Silence dominated the room. Sirius stared at the ceiling, listening to his brother's still labored breathing. He could still feel the warmth of Regulus' fever radiating from him. He stayed in the room, refusing to leave his brother alone. Minutes later, he noticed Regulus had fallen asleep.
It wasn't a peaceful sleep he had that night. Regulus still trembled beside him, and the fever took a while to subside. When he woke up, Barty was beside Regulus, and they were both talking in hushed tones.
"Good morning," he greeted, still sleepy, drawing their attention.
Sitting up, he asked, "How are you feeling?"
"Tired," Regulus answered in a hoarse voice.
"Do you think you can eat something now?" Barty inquired, to which Regulus shook his head. "Pansy will probably bring something for you to eat, she's in full-on mother mode."
Regulus sat on the bed between Barty, who was standing beside him, and Sirius, who was also sitting. "I'll come down in a few minutes."
"Come on, I'll help you up," Barty offered his arm for Regulus to lean on as he got out of bed.
While watching their interaction, Sirius couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. The déjà vu he had during the night reminded him of when he used to be Regulus' primary caregiver and protector. Barty's presence in that moment made him realize how distant they had become. He wanted to say something to his brother, to let him know he was here to help Regulus, to draw attention to himself, to tell Barty to leave. And he did.
"God, you're still an idiot," Barty complained, rolling his eyes as Regulus ignored him.
"Shut up, Crouch. He is my brother, my responsibility."
"Just a responsibility, huh?"
"Ah, now he's your brother," Barty mocked, further provoking him.
Sirius didn't know which of them would retort first, becoming frustrated.
"I guess no 'good morning' for you," Evan appeared at the door, observing the situation. "Come on, breakfast is ready," he said, focusing on Regulus, who left the room, leaving the two behind.
When Sirius went down to the kitchen, he didn't find his brother there with the others, and was informed that he would be in the garden. He grabbed his coffee and headed out to meet him.
Sirius shivered at the chill outside. "Damn, isn't it too cold for you to be out here?"
"You should go," Regulus said, sipping his tea while sitting with the cat in his lap.
"What? Why?"
"Remus must be worried about you, and I know you didn't sleep well last night. You should rest."
"That's a load of crap," Sirius sat beside him.
"I'll get better as the day goes on. The medication makes me drowsy, so I'll probably go back to sleep later."
"Then I'll stay until you fall asleep," Sirius said, determined.
He watched his brother affectionately petting the cat in silence. It was one of those moments where just being in someone's company mattered.
"Barty is to me what James is to you," Regulus broke the silence, pulling his brother from his nostalgic thoughts.
"I've never slept with James," he teased.
Regulus rolled his eyes. "He was a brother to me when you weren't there," Sirius made a noise to interrupt, "He's my best friend. My person. The one I'd call if I needed anything."
"What's my position on that list?" he teased, smiling, "Am I last?"
"What's my position on your list?"
Regulus's question echoed in the ensuing silence. It was a question laden with meaning and emotion, and Sirius felt its gravity. He realized how the dynamic between them had changed over the years. "I'd give my lung for you if I could. What position does that put me in?"