Sirius hated the new year’s eve; more specifically the hypocrisy of it. ‘New year, new life’ they say, but that was the biggest lie ever told in the 4.5 millions of years the earth had. Nothing changed, nothing changed and he was the proof of it. Last year Sirius had vented to Amelia Bones about how he felt about one of his best friends and her response had been: Relax, Sirius. The year is ending, new year, new life, remember? Next year you will meet someone who will make you forget about him.
But that didn't happen and Sirius already accepted that it would never happen. He had still believed in Amelia at first — tried to ignore Remus, to convince himself that seeing Amos Diggory didn't hurt him or break his heart; he had gone out with several people hoping to fall in love, after all, new year, new life, right?
It was in August that Sirius realized that was bullshit, that he would never get over Remus and that his crush would never end, not as long as Moony was around and he wouldn't push Lupin away like that. Black despised his feelings and all of his pain, even though he was already used to it.
One night at James' house, Sirius ended up waking up too early — or too late — and what he heard made him wish he'd never woken up.
"I love you..."
"I...Me too, I love you too, Amos."
"I've never felt this way about anyone, you're like magic Remus."
"Don’t exaggerate."
"I am serious," Remus' laugh was heard.
"You're like magic too, Amos..."
It was only when Sirius heard the noise of kisses and noisy gasps that he gave up going to get water and returned to his room, ending up crying while venting to the moon. After all, she was the only one who seemed to understand and not judge him; or say that next year everything would be different.
However, this happened months before the timeline of this story. In present times Sirius no longer allows himself to cry for such a reason, not least because his proximity to Remus had drastically diminished. Lupin no longer called Sirius to read with him in his bed until he fell asleep, or offered him chocolates. Black wondered if he had found out everything and now he was scared and decided to walk away from his friend.
At the moment the boy was in James' room, getting dressed for the New Year's party while Peter talked about how good Edgar was at kissing.
"You know those butterflies in your belly that make you want to laugh, jump, dance with excitement?" Peter asked as he laced his shoes.
"Oh my dear friend, I feel it everyday about my Lily," Sirius screwed up his face as he heard Potter's little dedication.
"At what times? When does she throw a shoe at your head or when does she call you an ignorant deer?" he asked ironically, earning a scolding look from his friend. Black ended up chuckling weakly at the image.
"She threw a shoe at your head?" Pettigrew laughed.
"See what you've done Sirius?!" he huffed in frustration before turning to Peter. "It was just one time."
Right after that sentence Peter rolled over on the eldest’s bed, laughing as he clutched his own belly in an attempt to calm down.
"You’re two idiots. Where's Remus to defend me?" the taller one crossed his arms.
Sirius stopped laughing slowly, sighing as he looked at himself in the mirror.
"Not with Diggory?" he asked tentatively if he was the least bit curious.
"I don't think so, I hardly see them together these days," James commented.
"Couple fights are normal, Prongs. They’re probably making out."
"Boyfriends don't need to live stuck to each other, Sirius. They might just be busy these days," Peter tried to justify it and Sirius grunted as he finished smoothing his coal black hair.
"Nearly a year of dating. Have you ever seen one without the other, Wormtail?" Pettigrew shook his head and Black grinned. "So that's it. They probably had a fight and now they're eating each other somewhere as reconciliation, it's the only explanation for moony being so la—"
Before Sirius could finish his sentence, a hurried Remus entered the room. His chest rising and falling clearly heaving.
"Moony what?" he smiled sheepishly.
"Where were you?" James asked.
"You know, my mother talks a lot," he joked, looking up at James with a tired smile on his pale face.
"Sure," Sirius muttered in disbelief.
"Huh?" Remus automatically turned to Black. "Any problems, Padfoot?"
"No," he smiled falsely, "Where's Diggory?"
"I don't know."
"Isn't he coming?" Peter asked sadly.
"Nah," he said dryly, then looked away from Sirius, "Let’s go?"
"Um, yes, of course," James swallowed hard, staring at Sirius who was now staring at his feet, taking a deep breath as he controlled his emotions.
It was always like this when Remus was around. His head was in a turmoil and his stomach sent vomiting sensations down his throat, creating a tightness there.
Getting used to that feeling didn't mean it made it any less painful.
James then took out his phone, calling Marlene to let her know they were leaving the house now. Mckinnon loved parties, so, obviously she wouldn't miss the opportunity to have a New Year's party in her house; with no family or annoying neighbors to stop them, as her parents were completely absent and just the two of them went on a trip as usual.
Potter was driving in his father's car, Peter was at his side, in charge of changing the songs, taking into account his great taste in music. Sirius and Remus for their part just stayed in the back, chatting with their friends and laughing at stupid jokes. Their knees bumped together at some point and still neither of them had the courage to pull away, even though Black was feeling his heart pounding desperately in his chest and his stomach feeling like it had joined the party earlier.
Sirius didn't stare at Remus for long in that tight, closed space — he wanted to avoid tears tonight — However, he couldn't help but contemplate the brief image he had when Remus let out a loud laugh at one of Wormtail’s jokes, which obviously caught his attention and he glared at him with a wide smile. His left leg lifted, body slumped over the side of the door, — even though his knees were still up — head thrown back and mouth open in hysterical laughter. His eyes narrowed on each other as his right hand tightened on the white blouse he was wearing, in an attempt to calm himself down. It was as they passed a glittering restaurant that it automatically lit up the boy's sandy curls, making him more attractive. His whitish scars were also highlighted and Sirius couldn't control the thought of tracing them romantically.
For thousandths everything stopped, as usual. Remus didn't move, nor did the car, or James and Peter. All noises stopped and Black was able to appreciate every detail of Remus, his Remus. He liked to think that in some reality Lupin would love him back, liked to think that in some parallel world Remus would stroke his hair and say that he had never loved anyone the way he loved him, that Sirius was Remus's and Remus was his. But that wouldn't happen because, after all, Moony was in a happy, loving relationship with Amos Diggory and it's not like it was a joke.
They were together for almost a year and already exchanged an 'I love you' — something that destroyed Sirius inside, considering how much he valued the word 'love'. When Remus came out as bisexual, Black felt hopeful to get a chance with him, but everything was destroyed a few months later, after he told about his new relationship with such a genuine smile on his lips that Sirius so loved to look up to.
Seeing the person you've been in love with for years dating someone else was no easy task; especially when that person is your best friend. Remus and Amos were a couple to be the envy of anyone. Always smirking at each other, always together... there was a time when Diggory was practically considered a marauder — which didn't make Sirius very happy.
In a few minutes filled with laughter, jokes and stories, the four boys arrived in front of Marlene's house. They could watch through the windows the animation inside, literally a big party — like the one teenagers often prepare in cliché straight romance movies.
As he got out of the car, Sirius let out a sigh. His warm knee that still gave him the sensation of his lover's touch; the icy wind that blew out the stuffy air in James' car…
"Happy New Year!" Marlene exclaimed, pulling her best friend into a hug just as the four of them entered the house.
It was all extremely noisy. People everywhere, dancing and jumping and singing as if their lives depended on it. Having to speak louder due to the loud music that almost erased his thoughts.
"Happy New Year Marls..." he murmured against her friend's ear.
"Everything is fine?" the blonde asked in a tone only Black could hear. He nodded slowly. "So come on, let's party!" he said as he pulled away from the hug to call the other three.
"Let's go!" James yelled in an excited laugh and ran into the melee.
"Remus!" Alice appeared, hugging her friend by the neck. "Where's Amos?"
"He won’t come,." he warned in a grave tone.
"What do you mean? Why?"
The boy even tried, but he couldn't resist the devil's voice on his left shoulder telling him to join the conversation.
"Great question Remus, why?" Sirius crossed his arms in a sarcastic laugh.
"Want me to get you a drink?" Peter asked his friend, completely oblivious to what had just happened.
"No need Wormy,” Sirius smiled reassuringly.
"Okay. I'll look for Edgar!" the chubby boy followed the same path Potter had taken seconds before, disappearing into the confusion.
"Uhm... I... I don't know. He just didn't come," Remus justified, looking towards Alice.
Sirius couldn't contain his wry, angry laugh, which caught Lupin's attention. He looked tired of Black's actions, or at least the brunette deduced that from his friend's contracted face.
"What is so funny?"
"Nothing. It's just that you're always stuck with your boyfriend, I'm amazed you don't know something so simple. Or do you know and just don't want to share it with your own best friends?" he shook his head as he spoke.
"I don't have to know everything about his life and even if I did, you don't have to know about his whole life."
Sirius rolled his blue eyes and uncrossed his arms.
"Okay, I'm going to enjoy the party," she shrugged her shoulders before whispering. "I don't give a shit about him anyway."
Then, he walked past Marlene, dodging Alice as he entered the hubbub. People danced, moving their hips to the loud music that nearly stopped Black from thinking. He could see couples making out against the walls or on the couch; while further on, Lily rolled her perfect green eyes at something James had just said. Anyone who didn't know them would think she was rejecting him, but the small smile Sirius could detect on her round face betrayed that maybe Prongs weren't being so unbearable.
Amelia danced with Mary and Fabian, grabbing the young man's tie as she held the black woman's neck, squeezing the left side of her hip. Fabian, in turn, just held the girl's shoulder while she swayed to slightly lower her body. Definitely a strange relationship for someone with a closed mind.
Emma and Emmeline, on the other hand, were one of the couples who were too involved in making out rather than enjoying the party. The lowest one against the glass of the door that gave access to the backyard with her leg elevated to the hip of Emmeline, who grabbed her thigh while sucking the lips of her beloved as if her life depended on it.
Sirius suddenly felt the most alone and unhappy around.
Caradoc and Benjy, meanwhile, seemed like the only controlled couple. Fenwick had his head in his boyfriend's lap, who was caressing his face as he downed a swig of beer into his mouth. Both on the floor as if the party wasn't happening.
Edgar and Peter seemed too engrossed in their flirtations to notice Black's light, short approach, who soon grabbed a glass to fill it with alcohol and walked away toward Gideon sitting on the stairs.
"Happy New Year," the redhead said when noticing the presence of the other.
"Happy New Year," he repeated softly as he sat down.
"Everything is fine?"
"I don't like the new year’s," he said simply.
"I don't like parties," he held out his bottle and Sirius made a small toast with his glass before taking a small sip, "Why aren't you partying?"
"Everyone seems too busy swallowing each other's tongues to pay attention to me," he grumbled. Prewett let out a nasal laugh.
"It's really disgusting," he nodded softly.
Black stared at him for a few minutes, eventually getting lost in his imaginations. This time he wondered how Gideon felt about not being able to fall in love with anyone. Was it any easier? Harder? Lonely? Sirius coughed briefly before asking.
"Is it bad?" he questioned, earning a confused look from the redhead, "Being aromantic."
The other’s face relaxed in understanding but the boy just shrugged, not quite knowing how to respond.
"It was worse, you know, when I didn't accept myself and thought I was broke," he explained,"It was a little desperate when my brother got into a trisal, you know, I heard a lot of jokes saying that the love I didn't feel, Fabian felt too much."
"That sucks," he sighed.
"A little, but now it's okay, you know? Not falling in love doesn't mean I'm a virgin anyway; I still have fun when I want to," he laughed softly and Sirius smiled just to follow along, "But why the question?"
"Nothing, I was just imagining what it must be like, that's all. Once I got jealous," he confessed under her breath as she rolled her eyes through the crowd.
"Don’t."
"I know, I regret that. I know society charges you too much," smiled reassuringly.
"Society sucks hard," they both laughed a little louder.
"Definitely."
Silence invaded the two young men and a few seconds later Sirius watched Remus and Hestia talking animatedly. The tall boy was smiling with all the teeth in his mouth and the desi woman nodded in agreement, laughing with the same intensity. Black couldn't help but wish he were Jones instead of just hearing Lupin's deep, hot laugh.
He also took the opportunity to admire his friend. His white button-down shirt was now slightly open, letting his black tie directly touch the skin of his chest. Even from a distance Sirius could see the bones of his collarbone and the golden snitch rising and falling whenever he took a sip of his drink. His tight black pants, perfectly shaping his curvy thighs and highlighting his small, round ass that now looked slightly larger from the position of his legs and hips. Her hands were firmly around the red cup and Black automatically squeezed his slowly. Remus managed to look even more attractive in the yellow light of Marlene's salon.
"Lupin, uh?" Gideon gave the younger one a little shove with his shoulder. Sirius stared at him confused.
"What?"
“The way you’re checking out Remus. Thank Lord the poor boy is drinking something because you’re taking all of the water of his body with your eyes,” he joked with a mischievous smile.
"You’re insane. I'm just looking at people, not necessarily Moony," he justified it with the first lame excuse that crossed his mind.
"Do you think you're fooling me? I'm not stupid."
"Remus is dating."
"Does that stop you from feeling something for him?" he questioned right away. Black lowered his head, staring at his own drink.
"Don't, Gid. Remus is happy with Amos."
"As far as I know falling in love with him wouldn't make him break up. I mean… it depends." he chuckled, taking a sip of his beer.
"I wasn't checking him out, just watching him. We've been a bit apart these days."
"Any specific reasons?"
Sirius considered saying he just didn't know, but the small voice in his head advised him to trust Gideon and so he faced him after taking such a big gulp of his liquid that it made him run out of steam.
“You’re right,” he stated.
"I know." His face showed no surprise.
"I walked away from him so I wouldn't suffer anymore, you know? It was getting harder and harder… he just walked away too," he explained, setting the small glass beside his feet.
Black stretched his body backwards, resting his elbows on the step above the back of his waist, so the top of his back rested there.
"Dialogues still exist, Black." the fiery-haired one looked at him in judgment.
Sirius laughed bitterly.
"Oh yes, what are you waiting for me to say? My dear Remus, I've been purely in love with you for years and I'm in a state of grief that you're in such a beautiful, healthy relationship that it makes me sick!" with a hand on his chest, Sirius interpreted it exaggeratedly as if he were reciting a poem. His head moved slowly, his other hand in the air gesturing with certainty.
Gideon let out a laugh accompanied by an eye roll.
"Not like that you asshole." his body swung forward again. "If you've been in love with him for years, say so. He's your best friend, he won't back away from it."
"He already walked away anyway."
"Maybe because you suddenly walked away and now he's insecure."
"Or he found out and wants to end the friendship."
"Gods, I really don't have the patience for people in love," he muttered as she got up, "Go, get some of Remus out of your head and come dance with me."
Sirius sighed hesitantly but then grabbed the hand that Prewett held out to him. The music had now changed to an upbeat one, drums and guitars could be heard. Sirius chuckled as he watched Gideon move his shoulders in a not-so-serious dance; her lips forced into a pout and her eyebrows together made the scene eight times more hilarious.
Black joined him after a while, moving his arms up and his hips from side to side, then pretending to play the guitar while shaking his hair.
It only took seconds for Sirius to get into the upbeat vibe, hopping a few steps until he was tall enough to jump up and yell out the lyrics. Gideon chuckled at the image and mimicked Sirius' movements.
Both were too engrossed in the party to catch Remus' gaze on Black, admiring that wild-haired boy in the gray Queen T-shirt he'd ripped the sleeves to make a tank top himself; black leather jacket. His jeans were a little baggy, black and ripped. Chains at his waist, down to mid-thighs. A few pins on the jacket of various things he liked; among them bands, cool designs and even the LGBTQIAP+ flag.
"Remus," Hestia called.
Remus quickly turned his head towards the girl.
"Hi, hi. Christ, sorry," he grunted, rubbing his face with his hands.
"Something happened?"
"No, no. Just heat," he clarified, running his long, warm fingers through his tie, loosening it slightly.
"Did you drink too much?"
"Just one glass. It sure isn't enough to get me drunk," said with a nasal laugh.
"Want more then?" Jones asked and Remus quickly shook his head,"You know, sometimes I wonder how Marlene knows so many people."
Remus followed Hestia's gaze, eventually focusing on Marlene and Dorcas making out on the grass in the backyard. The boy laughed lightly at that and crossed his arms, then looked at his friend in front of him.
"It's Marlene, it would be weird if she didn't," the two laughed at that, "It's melting in here."
"Only here because it's freezing outside." he commented, stirring the punch with his little plastic spoon.
"Normal, it's literally winter."
"I hate winter,” confessed in a grunt.
"Really? I find it so comforting."
"It's boring."
"For antisocials," Hestia gave him a small slap on the arm of the taller one who chuckled lightly.
It was Lupin's turn to take another drink and lean his waist against the table, facing Sirius who was now no longer on the stairs but on the floor, holding Gideon's shoulders. Now without the jacket his thin arms were exposed, making Remus have to take a sip of the cold drink to control the burning in his throat. His hips were moving from side to side and Prewett's hand resting on his waist made her want to push him away. He wanted to be him there, feeling Black's defined waist move against his skin.
Lupine did not fail to moisten his lips to observe the difference in movement by the change of music; this time more lively. His normally styled long black hair was a mess, sticking to the boy's sweaty forehead. At the moment, the boy moved his arms while making small turns, automatically moving away from the redhead who just laughed, following him harder. There was no denying that Sirius could dance, his movements were smooth and Remus suspected his slim waist helped him with that.
Sirius was a work that could be placed in a museum. His thin body that looked so fragile yet so attractive; his long hair and her pale skin that highlighted her thick, pink lips and her large, blue, crystalline eyes. It was nice to be watched and Lupin could do it for hours without ever getting tired.
A few seconds later he saw Sirius walking towards him. A smile now dominated his face as the boy tried to remove the strands glued to his forehead, his tank top wrinkled from the times Gideon had tugged in the middle of the dance; now a little shorter, showing off his tattoos.
Black was now taking a ladle from the punch, putting it in the little cup. Hisheart pounded from the way he danced for a good few minutes and also from the presence of Remus with his shirt slightly open and his tie loose.
"Having fun?" Lupin asked.
"Oh yes, believe me," he said with a laugh as he reached up with his fingers to tie his hair, "you?"
"I'm not bored, which is great,” Sirius watched the boy's big, thin fingers hug an empty glass, "Fill please?" raised an eyebrow.
The music changed once more, its beats still upbeat but now the lyrics somehow more sensual. Sirius dismissed the idea of Lupin flirting with him at that moment.
Drunk, he deduced.
"Of course, Your Majesty," he scoffed, earning an eye roll from the boy who had now sat down, "Drunk?"
"Not even close."
"Good. Diggory wouldn't want you to get too drunk, would he?" Hearing this, Remus let out a nasal chuckle, touching Sirius' fingers to take the now-full glass he'd held out to him.
"Yeah," sighed heavily, "Have you seen James?"
"No.
"I can't find Lily anywhere either," grumbled.
"You haven't left here yet," Sirius blurted out, earning a suspicious look from Remus; his eyebrow raised and a confused smile on his lips.
"How would you know?" his frown relaxed slightly, leaving only an amused smile on his face.
His lip touched the glass of the goblet, which soon touched the boy's lower lip. Lupin threw his head back slightly, swallowing the liquid without taking his eyes off Black, who was staring at his exposed throat.
"I... the last time I saw you you were here and now... you're still here." He quickly justified himself, taking a graceful sip of his drink.
"That's right, I didn't leave here. But I still have eyes in my face to look for the people I want," Remus winked at Sirius as he set his glass on the table.
"Well, if that's the case, chances are they're having sex in the bathroom." shrugged.
"Or outside."
"Neighbors."
"Our buddy is an exhibitionist," Remus teased and Sirius couldn't help but twitch his face in contempt at the image his brain created.
Remus laughed and the shorter one followed, glad to see his friend loose as he missed seeing.
"I didn’t need that scene in my mind, thank you."
"That's because you never heard Amelia, Mary and Fabian flirting," the two boys laughed after that sentence.
"What time is it?" Sirius asked curiously; Lupin soon took his cell phone out of his pocket.
"It's almost an hour until the new year, Pads." communicated, putting the device back.
"Do you think they're all going to celebrate together?"
"Probably. You and Marlene have to do the tradition, right?"
"Do you think now that she's dating Dorcas she'll want to do the tradition?" he questioned, staring at Remus as he unfastened his tie.
"Well, she's a lesbian, you're gay and Dorcas is perfectly aware of that so naturally yes," shrugged.
"That's right."
"...I'm glad you're not eating half the guys at the party like you did last year," brought it up, causing Black to close his eyes in embarrassment.
"New year, new life. Isn't that what they say?" he questioned sarcastically and Lupin just shook his head. A slight smile greeted his face.
The brunette watched intently as Remus straightened his posture, turning to him. His seething hand came to rest on Black's chest, who mentally wished he wasn't able to feel his heart racing. The taller one brought his face closer to Sirius' so he could hear him.
"Enjoy the party, Padfoot." he muttered, his voice hoarse from having to communicate in a high pitch over the loud music.
A chill tightened in Sirius's stomach, and he didn't move even after Lupine retreated into the hustle and bustle of drunk and excited young men, kissing and enjoying the party in a lively fashion. The warm sensation of the huge hand didn't leave Sirius's also heated skin and he had to blink a few times to control the mass of sensations surrounding his body. He decided to blame the drink for the twinge he felt inside his pants when he remembered the younger's cracked voice. His face perfectly drawn by the gods so close to him, her lips thin and red from the drink and the heat of the place inches from him. Everything was perfect, from his freshly untied tie, half his chest exposed, and even his breath of alcohol, which hit his nostrils directly as soon as he spoke to him.
His head spun around the room, confirming that anyone had noticed what had just occurred at the punch table, but everyone else seemed too busy with their own kissing, dancing, and flirting to notice Sirius' despair, who soon filled another glass, drinking in one gulp.
He was desperate, that much was clear. That brief conversation and Moony's seductive approach made her entire insides melt with excitement and love. He felt somehow, also upset, after all, was Remus making fun of him after discovering the feelings he was hiding? Or was she just flirting with him? Evidently it was the first option, considering the stable relationship Remus had been in for almost a year.
Moony would never flirt with Sirius, no. To the sandy-haired boy, Sirius was just his best friend, his brother, his sidekick. At least that's how Sirius thought.
Not at all calm, Black walked back to his starting point, the stairs, where he chatted with Gideon before the bright yellow light in the room was replaced by LEDs, flashing rapidly as they switched between colors and he danced until his legs throbbed with pain. His fingers hooked into his jacket and he picked it up, digging through the excited young men to hang it on one of the hangers in the entryway. The boy took a deep breath, turning his head only to find James inside the small closet with the open door; the boy was thrusting inside someone who Sirius soon discovered was Lily.
"Heavens,close the goddamn door," hee growled, turning his head away.
"Leave Padfoot!" James roared through heavy gasps and soon the door slamming was heard.
Sirius shook his head as his face hugged an expression of abomination. As much as the darkness and the mess of changing colors didn't make anything obvious, it hadn't been comfortable for him to see his best friend clearly fucking Lily Evans inside his other best friend's storage closet.
He felt back at the beginning of the party, alone and without excitement. Teens and new adults partied as if it were the best day of their lives, in a way that made it look like it was the start of the best year they could ever want. Friends danced, lovers kissed and Sirius just regretted his melancholy life.
He didn't feel like drinking or dancing, or even finding a mouth to entertain himself with. His skin boiled, his heart pumped blood to parts of his body that Black didn't even know would reach, and his skin pulsed with heat through all that crowd together in an enclosed space.
"Hey dude," Sirius hummed as he approached Caradoc.
"What do you want, Sirius?" Dearborn looked at him with an expression of boredom.
Caradoc didn't hate Sirius, nor did Sirius hate Caradoc; but the friendship they had was somehow peculiar. Fights were usually right whenever the two were in the same place for a long time.
"Boredom. Got a cigarette?" he asked bluntly and Benjy, who was standing there, laughed softly.
"What makes you think I'm going to give you my cigarette?" he inquired with his upturned left eyebrow.
"Please man, I'm not asking you for anything else today."
"What do I get if I give you a cigarette?" a playful smile took over his face and Sirius rolled his eyes.
"Anything."
Caradoc took a deep breath, taking the pack out of his pants pocket and extending the cigarette towards Sirius, who grinned, putting it in his mouth and approaching the taller one.
"Don't you have a lighter too?" Sirius shook his head, "Jesus, Black, learn to bring your own stuff."
He grunted as he lit the long-haired man's cigarette.
"I forgot, okay?" he articulated after a drag, blowing smoke through the enclosed space.
"Oh, don't even-, smoke it outside," Fenwick pushed Sirius away.
"Boring."
"Fuck you," Caradoc raised his middle finger at Black in a laugh, the other just rolled his eyes.
The boy watched the party go on; it was a lot of people. After a few seconds he managed to catch even Molly Prewett dancing along with her fiancé, Arthur Weasley. This made Black ponder what the age limit was there, after all, he had seen some underage acquaintances dancing amidst the racket. Once again his eyes roamed the room, looking at Peter and Edgar kissing and a few steps forward at the sensual way Remus moved.
His shirt more open, Marlene running her fingers along the chest of the boy who arched his back gently, shrugging his shoulders. Sirius took another drag on his cigarette, sighing relaxedly as he watched the smoke leave his own lips. Slowly he sat on the stairs with his legs spread, watching Remus' every move carefully. His head seemed to erase the excited screams of the rest of the people as the songs changed, highlighting only Lupin's inaudible laughter.
It only took a few seconds for Remus to turn his head towards Sirius, smiling softly. Those amber eyes connected so intensely with the brunette's blue ones that he felt his soul was being read carefully. He felt as if Lupine was reading all his sins and his life story; but that didn't bother him.
Even with that slight tightness in his chest, Sirius slowly blew out the smoke, feeling the warm air brush against his heated lips. He slowly chuckled, rethinking what actions he was taking. His head shook in denial and he stubbed out his cigarette on the beige carpet of Marlene's stairs.
The boy got up, climbing the stairs slowly, watching the music and the screams get more and more muffled. Upstairs now Black allowed himself to sigh as peace flooded his body. The well-known corridor now lit by the four windows, one next to the other. The light of the full moon made the path clearer so Sirius could walk without having a chance to fall.
It didn't take long for the boy to enter the bathroom of the house, turning on the light; soon having a wave of calm invading his body as the loud beats of the music became the only thing audible.
The mirror was the first thing Black looked at, and seeing his image in the mirror he sighed. Her hair still loosely tied, strands escaping front and back; he could easily re-tie it, but he decided to leave it as it was. He passed the front strands to the back of his ears and turned on the faucet, then placed his hands under the stream. Sirius felt quickly refreshed and clean, considering how his hands had been warm and slightly rough before, as if they were begging for water.
"Enjoy the party, Padfoot." he repeated Remus' words as she stared into his crystal eyes in the mirror moments before walking to the door.
His hand went towards the switch with the intention of turning off the lights but a new movement caught his attention. The knob turned slowly and the boy frowned.
“I'm leaving!" he warned in hopes of warding off the individual who was trying to enter the bathroom, but the door was quickly opened, revealing a smiling Remus.
"Hey!"
"Hey..?" he replied in confusion.
"Is everything okay? I saw you coming up," Sirius nodded, turning off the lights, knowing that Remus would still be lit by the bright light of the full moon.
"Yeah, I just needed to freshen up. That party was draining all my energy." she said with a weak smile.
It was necessary to squeeze against the doorjamb to get back into the hallway without touching Remus.
"Yea." he agreed briefly. "It's all very lively, huh?" the taller one stuck his hands in the front pockets of his pants. Sirius nodded.
"Look moony, you can come back to the party if you want, I'm fine." he stated, letting go of his hair.
Remus let out a sigh a few seconds after Sirius shook his head to straighten his strands.
"It was pretty tied up."
"It hurts."
"Good point," Lupin closed the bathroom door, "I don't want to right now."
"You don’t want to?"
"No. I'm tired of dancing and… I miss you. Prongs is gone, Wormtail is making out with Edgar…" he pleaded slowly.
Sirius bit his lower lip uncomfortably.
"Call him."
"Huh?" Remus looked at him confused.
"Diggory. It's still some time until New Year's, he's on time." Black bolted, starting down the hall; towards the balcony.
Remus grunted before following him in quick steps.
"I already told you he's not coming."
"Why?"
"Why are you interested in it?" he interrogated in a high tone.
They would argue again.
"He follows you everywhere, something serious must have happened for him not to show up today," he huffed as he opened the door, walking outside.
"Padfoot..."
"Padfoot nothing," he bolted, gripping the stone banister tightly, "You're not missing me, you're bored."
Remus sighed, positioning himself beside Sirius. His elbows resting on the stone.
"You got away from me." he declared calmly.
"You too."
"Explain to me why you left." he asked, turning his face to Sirius, who was surveying the landscape.
The brunette tried to control those party feelings inside him as he tried to focus on the trees in front of him, the people walking on the street and even the moon shining in the sky.
"You explain to me.”
“You first.”
“No.”
“Ok.”
Silence. Remus had now moved his head in the same direction as Sirius. His breathing was calm and heavy, as if he were asleep, unlike Sirius who found himself still panting from the mess in his brain. The water that had cooled him before now seemed to be gone. His entire body was pulsing with heat again. He felt his skin boiling and anger mixed with sadness consuming him.
"You don't like Amos." Remus noticed. Sirius didn't respond. "Because?" Sirius shrugged. "Talk to me Sirius."
"You know I don't like him."
Remus moved his entire body towards Sirius, looking him up and down.
"No, I don't know. You never told me," he shrugged.
"I've always made that more than clear."
"Why don't you like him?"
"He’s boring."
"Sirius," he called. "Look at me."
Swallowing hard, Sirius turned his head, watching Remus calmly. If they did, Sirius would dictate every minute detail to Remus' face. From his eyes to how many freckles he had. Now Remus seemed calmer, wetting his lips and taking a deep breath with his eyes closed.
"Amos won't be showing up with me anymore." he counted on a sigh.
"Huh?" Sirius' face tightened in confusion.
"We broke up a few days ago."
"What?!" he snapped, his mouth opening in indignation and his brow furrowed. "And you didn't say anything?"
"I... I was waiting for the right moment."
"Idiot. Why did you break up?"
Remus' tongue ran across the flesh of the inside of his mouth, sighing as he looked down.
"I'm in love."
Sirius felt his world open up right under his feet. Of so many reasons, it had to be precisely because Remus had fallen in love with someone else. Someone other than him.
"Who?"
"A boy.
"Again?" Remus chuckled softly as he lifted his head.
"Any problem?"
"No."
"Excellent."
"Who specifically is it?" he asked sadly. "I can't believe you hid all this from me Moony..."
"Pads..."
"You fell in love with someone else and I had no idea. Your damn dating is over! How is that possible? You loved each other so much."
"No one knows. Only you, now," he communicated quietly.
"What else are you hiding from me?"
"A lot of things."
Sirius laughed in disbelief, backing away from the banister to hide his face with his hands, controlling the angry tears that wanted to well up in his eyes.
"You are a motherfucker."
"Ok."
"I can't believe you're excluding me from your life, you’re pathetic."
When Black looked at Remus, he felt like punching him. His lips were lifted in a smile and his posture was sloppy. Hands in his front pockets and his eyes fixed on Sirius who was the complete opposite of Lupin's calm figure.
"Is that why you walked away?" Lupin nodded in agreement, "You’re an asshole."
At some point tears filled Sirius' ocean-colored eyes and Remus' smile faded slightly, swallowing hard before breaking eye contact.
"Explain to me why you're pulling away now," he asked.
Sirius took a breath before starting.
"You know what? Since you want to end our friendship minutes before the fucking new year, let's go with it!" he raised his voice, not bothering to control the tears, "Look at me!"
Remus slowly lifted his head, eyeing Sirius intently as he bit his lower lip.
"Go ahead." he encouraged, lightly propelling his body with his feet.
"For years, years Remus, years! I've been madly in love with you.«," he snorted, closing his eyes when he saw Remus' slight smile, he wasn't ready to be mocked, not now, "For years I dreamed awake and asleep with you, wanted you, desired you, cared for you, suffered. Every new year I believed that my life would be different and that I would get over you, but the feeling never faded," he opened his eyes, letting tears run down his hot face, "When you took over the relationship with that imbecile Diggory, my life ended. You are always together, loving each other, and I am here, jealous of all your looks at him, the sweet words they exchanged, the hugs and even the moans. and laughter I heard at James' house. It was all so healthy and beautiful, as I wished I could die and be reincarnated in this motherfucker's body so I could have you the way he had. And now it's over, over and that should be a reason for me party but it's not, it's not because now you're in love with someone else and you kicked me out of your life, admitting to my fucking face that you hide a lot of things from me. Thank you, Remus, really this is actually a favor for you. I think now I can believe in the bullshit of the new year, new life. Now there are no more marauders because I can't go on with a fake friendship that hides things from me. Now Moony and Padfoot are over and I can finally get over you. imbecile, idiot, cunt!" He exclaimed everything quickly amid a cry of pure hurt.
His stress increased as he heard the small chuckles that Remus was now letting out, generating such a wave of anger in Sirius that he lunged at the highest, smacking his slightly exposed chest.
"Sirius! Stop it, you idiot!" the boy grunted amid laughter.
"You. Shit. I. Hope. That. That. Boy. Breaks. Your. Heart. How. You. Broke. Mine." he said through the punches.
"Sirius stop!" he yelled, grabbing the boy's thin wrists, pushing him away. "You're dumb." he spoke with a soft smile on his face.
"You already knew..." he verified, "You already knew... You already knew..." he repeated in whispers lowering his head to cry with sound, "I hate you." he grunted.
"Padf..."
"Do not you dare!"
"...Sirius, look at me. Calm down, let me talk," Sirius shook his head and Lupine soon released one of his wrists to grab his chin, lifting his sodden face from the lower one.
Sirius' heart was tight, his face screwed up in an attempt to hold back the tears. His teeth clamped the inside of her lower lip and her tongue smacked her flesh in nervousness. Cautiously Remus released his other wrist, wiping the tears from his friend's face, running his thumb over drops and a few pimples. Sirius closed his eyes, now tears were streaming down onto Remus' hand, who was breathing calmly to try to calm the other down.
"I can speak?"
"Go."
"Have you not the slightest interest in knowing what I hide from you?"
"No. Our friendship is over anyway,” Remus rolled his eyes.
"Don't be childish."
"Okay, go ahead," he scoffed, crossing his arms as he opened his eyes. Remus' hands rested on the crying boy's face.
"You asked who exactly I'm in love with, right?"
"Yea," he confirmed sullenly.
"Then I'll tell you in a little while." she assured. "Look Sirius, my relationship with Amos started for the reasons a relationship shouldn't start. I... I was building up feelings for this same boy and I went into despair. Amos is affectionate, subtle... I liked that. I had and still have an immense affection for him, but it never came close to what I feel for that boy in question." He explained. "Amos gave him a lot more than I gave myself... for that very reason. I liked him but I couldn't help the feelings I still had for that boy; even if I tried to convince myself that I was in love with Amos, it was a lie .So I vented to him."
"Look Remus after what I told you this isn't helping me. You just said you've been in love for almost a year." Sirius tried to wriggle out of Remus' grip, who pulled at his face again.
"More," he corrected, "But that's not the point, listen to me until the end, Sirius."
"Ok."
"Getting back, I vented to him and it's obvious he was upset. He was really in love and I just used him, deceived him and betrayed him because I was thinking about someone else. But then he understood and advised me to talk to this boy... and I pulled away. I got scared and walked away, but that was more than enough to notice his aggressive responses, his looks and the way he treated me." Sirius closed his eyes, "He knows..."
"Just tell me who he is Remus... I just hope he's not Gilderoy..."
"Shut up." he said and Sirius couldn't help the wistful laugh that escaped his lips. Remus smiled at that. "Today I saw him."
"That’s why you got late?"
"No, that was really my mother," they both laughed softly,"He's handsome...he's handsome. A leather jacket with those pins is so typical of him."
"Remus doesn't do this to me." he pleaded, frowning as a sign that he would cry again. "That hurts."
"Stop being dumb and listen," Sirius sighed, "The first thing he said to me was teasing, as usual. Later I saw him dancing, so happy and so wonderful. He was wearing a tank top that he ripped himself just because he wanted a tank top, idiot isn't it?" Black, who had previously closed his eyes, now stared at him confused.
His heart was beating very fast and his face changed expressions as he listened to what Remus had to say.
"...It was when we talked at the punch table that I decided I needed to vent, tell him everything. So I tried to give him some tips, he didn't seem to notice. Later when we exchanged glances I felt in the clouds, heavens, so beautiful.. I never wanted to run into that room and kiss him with all my soul as much as I did the moment he smiled at me with that cigarette in his fingers."
Sirius didn't know whether to laugh or jump off the balcony, so he preferred to just smile as tears leaked from his eyes. He wanted to wake up, needed to wake up, but he didn't dare close his eyes and not listen to what Lupine had to say anymore.
"Really Sirius…our friendship is over. I don't want to be his friend and I won't be his friend after this, I can't stand being his friend and fantasizing with his mouth on mine anymore."
"It's New Year's, not April Fools' Day." Sirius joked.
"Fuck you," Remus chuckled as he rolled his eyes and Black followed suit.
"Are you serious?"
"I'm Remus," with that, Sirius rolled his eyes, patting the taller one's chest, who smiled fondly at him, "Yes, Padfoot, I'm serious. It's no joke. I... I'm madly in love with you too."
"Heavens...I'm sorry,” shorter one bit his lower lip, "I told you I hated you."
"It's okay. I played with you a little."
"Did I just cry in vain?"
"Certainly."
"How embarrassing," Remus released his face to tuck a lock of his hair behind her ear.
"It was cute."
"Holy Christ this can only be a dream."
Remus calmly lifted the boy's chin, who looked at him with emotion.
"In a dream would you feel this?" Lupin whispered before placing his warm lips on Sirius' icy ones.
It was smooth, just a brush of mouths, but enough to make something explode. Sirius thought it was her heart, but screams filled her ears and more explosions were heard. Maybe it was James' pans or Peter's screams to wake him up and that's why the boy didn't have the courage to open his eyes as emptiness took the space in Remus' mouth. His breath came fast, fear consumed him.
"Sirius," he called in a whisper, "Open your eyes, quick."
Black opened his eyes, relaxing to see that he was in the same spot. Remus stared at the enchanted sky and then Sirius followed.
Fireworks exploded in the sky, people shouted and cheered.
"Remus," he called when he looked back at him. Remus looked at him smiling. "I love you."
Remus rolled his eyes with a smile on his lips.
"You won't wake up, Sirius."
"Really?"
"Really."
"But do you love me back?" he asked, feeling Remus' mouth collide with his once more.
Slowly and ignoring the shouting of the whole world, Lupine tongued his way through and Sirius gasped as he gave in, feeling himself melt in Remus' arms. His hands flew to the collar of his open shirt, pulling him close as if he wanted to plunge into Lupin's kiss. Sirius wanted to cry with emotion, wanted to kiss him to death. He was afraid, afraid of waking up at some point, so he just kissed Remus as desperately as he could; ending up at some point feeling tears slowly running down her cheeks.
"Hey Hey hey," Remus muttered as he pulled away, pressing their foreheads together, "It's okay, I'm here. I love you Sirius, I love you and this isn't a dream, okay?" Sirius nodded.
“It's already another year, does that mean we got together on the 31st or 1st?" she asked suddenly, making Remus laugh.
"We declared on the 31st and kissed on the 1st!"
"Right."
"Looks like it wasn't Mckinnon who had the pleasure of tasting your lips this year." he joked, pulling away from Sirius.
"I think she got busy trying on Dorcas's." she joked, reaching out to touch Remus' hand. "Shall we go downstairs? I'm hungry."
"Before... are we going to pretend that nothing happened?"
"Why would we do that?" he looked at him confused.
"I don't know, I just want to make you comfortable," he shrugged.
"Well, by now they must be asking where we are, there's not much to hide moony." she sighed. "But then it gets bad for you, they still think you're dating Amos."
"Not for long," he laughed mischievously and tugged Sirius by the wrist, walking hurriedly down the hall.
Sirius let out a thin laugh, trying not to trip over his own feet, on the stairs, Remus descended more carefully. Now, the room was back with natural light, music was lower and people were still dancing, but extremely calmer. They ate scattered around the place, sitting on the floor, sofa or even lying on the floor. The garden now also had more people and the glass door was open. It was impossible for Black not to frown at the sight of Lily being hugged by James as they both sat on the floor, touching kisses and caresses.
"Heavens, here you are!" Frank exclaimed. "Where have you been?"
"I'll explain later," he spoke hastily.
Frank's gaze dropped to the clasped hands of the as-yet-unknown couple and his face became confused; Sirius cringing nervously.
"Moony..."
"Shh..." he soothed as he pulled him closer to his friends, who looked at them in amazement and confusion.
"I thought they had left," Lily started.
"My jacket is still there," Sirius pointed to the hanger.
"Oh."
"Where have you been?" Mary asked.
"Yeah, you missed New Year's turn," Marlene noticed.
"Yeah man, it was kind of boring without Marlene and Sirius kissing. They broke tradition." Edgar wailed.
"Is everything okay? It looks like you've been crying." Dorcas communicated to Black.
None of them seemed to have noticed the holding hands except for Gideon, who was chuckling at the sight.
"Where were you? Fucking in Marlene's room?" James asked.
"Please, do not say that." Mckinnon frowned in fear.
"No James, I'm not very fond of following your example." Sirius shot forward, receiving Lily's shoe towards him, "Hey!"
"Remus, man, we haven't even spoken today," Fabian started, catching everyone's attention, "Is everything okay? Where's Amos? He told me last month he was coming."
Sirius looked at Remus, unnerved by his response. The taller one pressed his fingers tighter against Sirius's, comforting him.
"Amos doesn't come anywhere with me anymore."
"What?!" the group asked in chorus.
"Excuse you?" Emma fired.
"We're done."
"When today?" Emmeline asked with the same indignant expression as everyone else there.
"Is that why you were late?" Peter questioned.
"That's what I was going to ask, Wormy." Potter said, giving the blonde a thumbs up who smiled back.
"No, that was my mother," he justified in a single sigh, "We finished a few days ago," he told.
"And you didn't tell us?" Alice interrogated.
"Needed some time,” he pleaded, letting go of Sirius' hand.
"Are you okay?" Evans looked at his friend with concern.
"Great." smiled reassuringly.
"Are you okay, Sirius?" Gideon asked with a smile and Sirius replied slyly.
Everyone stared at them in confusion, including Remus.
"Great." he repeated his lover's words.
"Okay, but now, what were you doing that was so important that you missed New Year's Eve?" Amelia asked.
"Long story." Remus warned.
"We have plenty of time, brother." Caradoc smiled curiously as he shook Benjy's hand.
"I think we should enjoy the new year. The story is for later." Remus spoke, making everyone sigh in disappointment.
"I hate being curious." Lily grumbled.
"I'm going to hit you." Benjy stated and everyone let out small laughs.
"Let's enjoy the night!" Sirius exclaimed excitedly and his friends started to get up, pulling their partners with them to dance to the low music still present.
Remus wrapped his arm around Sirius' shoulders, who snuggled there into a smile. The youngest placed a kiss on the top of Black's head, whispering an 'I love you.' Sirius smiled back and returned the statement softly so that no one nearby could hear. After all, even with Remus officially single, it would still be quite a shock for his friends to find out the full story. So maybe Lupine had just decided to keep it between them for a while. The thought of that possibility earlier would make Sirius sad that he couldn't show his love in public, but now it didn't matter all that much. Lying to his friends was by no means his skill, but it wouldn't be for long, Black knew that. So he just liked to think that for a short time he would be able to enjoy his Moony in private as he had wanted to do for years of his life. He could kiss you for hours, touch you for hours, show you his love for hours; all this without anyone interfering.
Deep down, he still suspected that he would wake up at some point and cry until he couldn't stand it; however, it was taking too long and everything was too real. Remus' touch was perfectly felt and his words complemented each other, unlike what it was in his night dreams. Slowly Sirius lifted his head, facing Remus back. He smiled at her, bending his hand to stroke Sirius's warm cheek with his cool fingers. Both were so absorbed in their love that neither noticed Gideon's approach.
"I warned you that dialogue was always great," the boy whispered in Sirius' ear, who chuckled before looking at him.
"New year, new life, isn't that what they say?" Gideon shook his head, going on his way and Remus eyed Sirius suspiciously.
"Damn, happy new year Moony."
"Happy New Year Padfoot." She smiled at him warmly.
"I want to kiss you so badly," he grunted.
"You'll have time for more than that when they fall asleep." she nodded at her friends.
Sirius felt his stomach do some delicious somersaults at that. Remus always knew exactly how to make Sirius feel each specific emotion, literally any he desired. He knew the right words to use, the right place to play, the right facial expression to use…all slowly and perfectly, as only Moony knew how to do. He slowly raised his hand to grab Lupin's, letting his mind wander on the urge he was repressing to kiss him until he was out of breath, this time more calmly, given the desperation he found himself in up there.
During those seconds the brunette came to realize that no matter how long he spent together with Remus as lovers, the fear of being a dream would never go away. Black could be on top of Lupin, stark naked, being touched and loved by the brown, being kissed tenderly and slowly poked; what mind of his would consider the possibility that it was all an extremely satisfying dream.
For a long time, Black hated the new year for its hypocrisy of goals that no one would meet and especially the blessed 'New Year, New Life.' But after kissing the man of his life thousandths before 00:00 he found himself completely wrong. Yes, his life had been a frustrating circle for so long, but this time, he'd fulfilled his life's goal: To be moony. And that couldn't make it more complete.
The year had turned and Sirius's life had too; he became a new man, leaving all melancholy behind.
The rest of the night had been well spent; people were emptying the house, going to sleep in their own homes and ending up leaving only a small group of people there. Marlene had obviously slept with Dorcas in her bed, along with Mary and Lily, who slept on the bedroom floor. Peter, James and Emmeline slept in Mckinnon's parents' bedroom while Remus, Sirius and Hestia slept in the living room.
That night Sirius felt alive, his heart burning with despair and his mind wishing that Hestia was too drunk and deep in her sleep that he wouldn't notice the movement on the sofa she was leaning against or the gasps and panting breaths as Lupine and Black made love to each other. for the first time, declaring himself amid whispers and kissing to muffle the noises that tried to escape from their throats.
Sirius had always known how much he loved Remus, but it was that night, hugging his bare torso as the boy buried himself in slow motions inside him that he realized they were meant to be. There was no other explanation for the way they fit together, for the interest they had in exploring each other, getting to know their bodies, uncovering points that their partner never imagined existed. That night they had communicated in a way that was seen as promiscuous and unnecessary by the rest of the world. But that went beyond sex; that was a connection. A love kept for too many months, too many hours, minutes, seconds, thousandths... Their sweats mingled and their hearts beat in sync.
It was real. The panting breath on his neck, the soft touches on his body, the light grips just for more contact, the slow rubbing inside his, the leaning of his hips, the compliments… it was all loving, tender, and cautious, though. Extremely erotic and sensual.
Maybe it was some kind God's way of rewarding him for all the years he'd cried over Remus, soaking his face with disgusted tears. He had felt bereft for so long that his body still felt confused after the sudden change. Now he felt full, fulfilled, loved.
It looked crazy but Sirius wouldn't think twice about feeling all the sadness again if he were to repeat that exact same night. The night he kissed his long-awaited lover under the light of the full moon and New Year's fireworks. The starry night that changed his life and made him a man with a purpose in life.
And it was the moment Remus fell onto his chest, grinning, that Sirius knew he would never hate the new year again.