Every day is the same. Remus Lupin goes to work at the bookstore down the street, has his lunch break, goes back to work, and then returns to his apartment. Almost every day on his way home, he accidentally runs into his neighbor who can’t take a hint.
He is objectively attractive, but Remus simply isn’t interested. Every time he is about to enter his apartment, he always hears the neighbor whistle at him, and uncomfortably, he has to either pretend he didn’t hear or act unbothered. Frankly, the neighbor creeps him out, and he wishes he’d leave him alone.
“When are you going to let me take you on a date?” He’d shout most days.
Each time, Remus would have to continue walking, smiling awkwardly when they made eye contact and just as quickly averting his eyes.
One time when Remus was having a horrid day, he didn’t want to put up with anyone’s shit. He was fed up with customers who screamed at him for not having a specific book in stock, he was fed up with friends who he misses but didn't want to reach out to, and most importantly, he was fed up with being able to feel his skin. It only got worse when people stared at his scars.
Just like the night before, and the one before that, the neighbor yelled something flirtatious and alarming. Remus clenched his fist on the way to his door. It took everything in him to not yell, “Piss off and take a shower, prick.” Yet, he restrained himself.
Every day was the same, and he was left waiting.
Today, he feels bored but more so, empty like a hollow grave. Every day was the same, and it drove him mad. How can people follow the exact same schedule every single day, especially when it’s all they have? He didn’t have many friends, and those that he had, he didn't see much; he didn’t live with anyone; his parents were dead. It was a Saturday, therefore, he didn’t have work, so he was more lost than before.
He noticed his fridge is empty, so it wouldn’t hurt to go grocery shopping. He needs to cash in his paycheck anyway, so he might as well get out of the apartment.
He steps out, and by some unholy chance, the neighbor is just returning to his apartment. Remus had to be cursed.
The neighbor immediately smiles and waves. “Hi, Remus! Where are you headed? Not to a partner I hope.” He jokes, his eyes traveling over Remus’ body longer than he was comfortable with. The only problem is, as previously stated, Remus is bored. People do all sorts of stupid things when they’re bored, just to feel something, and right now, Remus isn’t feeling anything. He feels like a void like he is nothing. So, that’s why he gets to be stupid right now.
“No, not to a partner,” He smiles. “Just getting groceries, but I don’t have plans for the rest of the day.” Remus knows he’s being fucking stupid. He doesn’t like this bloke like that. He shouldn’t be trying to infer things or lead him on, but there’s a part of him that longs so desperately to be loved. It doesn’t even have to be real, just as long as he can convince his mind he is, that would be enough. The neighbor is not ugly, and he clearly is interested in Remus. It’s nice to feel wanted. He knows that if he does do anything, it’ll be a one-time thing, but after going so long without feeling wanted, it’ll be nice to pretend, even if it is for one night. Feeling wanted is infinitely better than feeling nothing.
The neighbor immediately shifts his demeanor at this response. Remus doesn’t normally interact this much or this directly. Clearly, his plan is working because the neighbor catches on. “Well, it just so happens that I have nothing to do for the rest of the day either. How would you feel if,” But Remus didn’t hear the rest of the sentence.
The elevator opens, and out of it walks the man he always waits for. The man from apartment 512.
Sirius Black has curly, black hair that goes down to his shoulder in such an elegant way. He has pale skin that looks as if it soaks in the moonlight. His jawline is refined in a way that only gods can sculpt, and Remus does not doubt that he was carefully crafted by them. They’d talked to each other quite often, but more recently Remus hasn’t seen him as much. A part of him is worried that he has a boyfriend, which would make sense, but another part is more worried that Sirius knows he is quite literally obsessed with him.
Remus has written stupid letters that he considered slipping under his door to explain his feelings, rather than directly telling him because why would he ever do that? He’s never given him one of them, and if he is honest, he’d rather kill himself than let Sirius ever see them.
As Sirius walks closer, Remus’ heart beats faster in the most cliche way. He swears everyone in the building can hear it, the way it speeds up with every footstep. He walks with such beauty and grace, it both confuses and mesmerizes Remus. To make things worse, Sirius stops right in front of him, and Remus wants to punch the shit out of him for making him feel like he might break.
“Hi, Remus.” He grins. “You look good. Sorry, I haven’t seen you much, I’ve been touring with the band.”
Remus smiles back, not the fake smile he had on earlier, but one of longing. “Hi, Sirius. It’s good to see you. How was the tour?” Sirius begins to walk toward his door with the number 512 on it, and Remus walks with him. The neighbor must have realized Remus’ attention is entirely stolen by Sirius and, hopefully, gives up on asking Remus on a date. He feels bad for engaging in the whole conversation, but he didn’t directly ask for anything, so not too much damage was done. That’s how he’d avoid the slight guilt he had. Right now though, he is focusing on Sirius. Not anything else.
“It was bloody brilliant. There’s nothing better than the feeling when you play a song correctly, and when people are there to appreciate it.” He beams his head in dumbfounded disbelief. “I felt like a star.”
“Well, it’s a good thing you already are one,” Remus says, and Sirius raises an eyebrow in confusion. “Your name, Sirius.” He rolls his eyes.
Sirius bursts out laughing, and Remus laughs more quietly, pretending to be annoyed and watching the joy spread on his face. Remus remembers the first time Sirius talked to him. When Remus replied, he stuttered, so he tried to end that conversation as quickly as he could because never in his life had he stuttered before, and after that, he never did again out of spite. Spite for who, he wasn’t sure, but it worked, so he wasn’t complaining.
Sirius puts his hand on Remus’ arm, still laughing. “Man, I missed you being annoyed with me.”
He crossed his arms looking at the man with a blatantly false look of annoyance. “Don’t know how you could miss it. The feeling is pretty permanent.”
“Sure, Moony. Pretend like you hate me.” He unlocks his door. “Jokes on you. I like it.” He turns around and winks at him, and Remus knows his cheeks are some level of pink, but he’s going to pretend it isn’t there. He opens the door to his apartment, and before closing the door, he says one last thing. “It really was good to see you. See you around.”
“Bye, Sirius.” The door closes, and he is left to stare at the number 512.
When he goes to the market, he spends the whole trip replaying their conversation over and over and over again. He’s aware it’s an embarrassing amount, but Sirius Black was flirting with him. He knows it doesn’t mean anything, that’s just the person Sirius is, but Remus intends on enjoying it while he can. He never thought that anyone as beautiful as Sirius would think twice about looking his way, nonetheless talking to him. He had hideous scars from a car crash when he was five, and they ruined everything about how he looked. His disfigured height and hunchback didn’t help his case in any way, and he couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to talk to him, least of all finding him attractive.
But Sirius said he looked good.
In intention, they were simple, meaningless words, yes, but from his mouth, they were enough. Sirius said he looked good, so Remus felt good.
Sadly, his thoughts are interrupted as he is leaving the store. A man, no, a much older man, no, a very fucking ancient man, sees Remus and tells him, “Come to see me.” At first, Remus is very confused. His first thought is that this man knows him or thinks he does. When it seems like that isn’t the case, Remus wonders if he is selling drugs. It would make sense for him to holler at Remus since he most likely smells like weed at the moment. Sadly, none of those is the case. This man is hitting on him. This extremely fucking old man, who is practically already decomposing, is hitting on Remus, a man in his twenties.
“You got a boyfriend, pretty boy?”
Although that is a lovely name, Remus doesn’t want to stoop that low. Not even batting an eye, he calmly says, “I don’t need a sugar daddy, thanks.” He continues walking to his car and drives home.
When he arrives at the building, he walks slowly to his apartment. He hopes he might see Sirius on his way, and he is also very aware that that is embarrassing, yet he still does it.
With all the luck in the world, Sirius is heading out for a walk. He nods and smiles at Remus, and Remus does the same back, though his smile could never have the effect on Sirius that his does on Remus. For some reason, that does it for him. He comes to a decision.
He is going to tell him how he feels. Not through any of the letters, that would be too embarrassing, but somehow, he’d confess. He is tired of feeling so helpless and alone, and he knows it’s his fault. He does it to himself. He doesn’t reach out to friends. He doesn’t make an effort to talk to them. He doesn’t make any effort to talk to any people. He just isolates himself, wasting his mind, wasting his time, and wasting his life. He knows it’s all his fault, yet he likes to blame it on his trauma. Even when he finds things that make him happy, he doesn’t like sticking to them because what happens when they don’t make him happy anymore? It’s why he doesn’t do anything to fix it, but now, he wants to try. He knows it’s all his fault, but he wants to try.
Sirius is the only consistent thing that has let him feel alive. It might be a good first step in the right direction.
He calls Lily and explains everything. He explains how he feels about everything, and it’s terrifying. Lily is the only person he can comfortably be vulnerable with, yet sometimes it’s still hard to be entirely truthful. She understands him. She always does. She invites him to plans with their group of friends, and also creates a tradition of them hanging out every weekend, as many days as their schedule lets them. She is also forcing him to call her every Monday, since it is the worst day of the week, and they can prepare for the rest of it together. She is making sure he knows he isn’t alone. She recommends things he might enjoy doing outside of work, and for when they return to school, just overall hobbies he might enjoy. Though he isn’t religious, for the rest of his life he will be thanking God for Lily Evans.
Regarding Sirius, she very simply tells him, “Quit being a pussy and ask him out. He’s literally just a man.”
After waiting a few hours to make sure Sirius is home, he walks up to apartment 512. The second he knocks on the door, goosebumps spread all across his skin, and he can feel his stomach continuously dropping with nerves as butterflies struggle to fly up.
The door opens, and there stands a man with brown skin and round glasses. He is what perfection looks like, and it’s no wonder he’s in Sirius’ apartment. Remus has seen him around a few times, but he never knew he was with Sirius. It makes sense. Sirius deserves perfection, not whatever the hell Remus is. He feels his heart rip and break and crumble into pieces right then and there.
“You’re Remus right?” The man asks, and for some reason, he is beaming at him brighter than the sun.
He nods.
“Are you looking for my brother?”
Relief courses through him like a revival. They’re brothers. Thank everything that is fucking holy they’re brothers.
The man sticks his hand out. “I’m James.” Remus shakes it. “I’ll go get Sirius. He’ll be happy to see you.”
Remus doesn’t know how to feel about that sentence, but before he can think about it, Sirius is at the door.
“Hi, Remus.”
“Hi, Sirius.”
He leaned against the door frame, looking up at him with curiosity and mischief. “So, what’d you need?”
Remus let out a deep breath. “Well, I feel empty most days, but you don’t make me feel empty, in fact, I feel too much, in my opinion, when I’m with you. It really grosses me out, but what are you gonna do, feelings are feelings, I suppose. So ramblings aside, I wanted to ask if you would want to go out sometime?”
Everything about that was awful. God, he is an embarrassing person.
This time, he watches Sirius’ cheeks flush as his eyes widen. He seems stuck, frozen in place, and Remus can only hope it’s a good thing. James said brother, right? Soon enough, Sirius smiles with something Remus hadn’t ever seen before. It’s almost like he’s embarrassed, which would be disgustingly sweet.
Sirius steps forward, almost leaning into Remus, so Remus takes this as an opportunity. He pulls Sirius’ shirt forward and kisses him. Sirius immediately melts into him, putting a hand on Remus’ cheek as he treats him like a dream you so desperately try to remember. A really good dream, that’s what Sirius is to him. Remus slips his hands into Sirius’ hair and lets the feeling consume him, filling the hole that’s devoured him for so long.
Remus knows that Sirius won’t always be able to fill that hole, and that’s fine, he isn’t supposed to. But it is a start. He will find other things, but more importantly, he will find out how to be happy on his own. He will learn to be happy with himself, which is what he’s really been searching for all along.
Sirius just so happens to be a nice motivation.