03 | It's Okay
It wasn’t the sun shining through the sheer black shades or the boys whining loudly from James’ room about the early hour that woke him up, but the gentle knock on the dark wood door. Wiping the sleep from his eyes Regulus stood from the bed, sparing one last mournful glance back at the warm nest of blankets. Moving to the door, he cracked it open to peek out into the hall. He was greeted immediately by a wide smile and bright hazel eyes.
“Good morning, Regulus. I know it’s quite early, but there is a full breakfast downstairs. If you aren’t hungry now we can save you some for later.” Euphemia stood at the other side of the door with yet another cuppa in her hand.
“I’d love some breakfast. Thank you.” If there is one thing Regulus was good at, it was respecting his elders. His parents had drilled that into his brain at such a young age, that there was a certain reputation the family was to uphold and disrespect wasn’t going to ruin it. Euphemia smiled sweetly at Regulus before heading downstairs. At the same time the boy came out of James' room looking much happier than they sounded a few moments prior.
“Effy makes fantastic food! Better than the elves back with Walburga and Orion.” ‘Walburga and Orion’ hearing Sirius refer to their parents by their names left a pit in his stomach. How was it so easy for him to disconnect himself from them? Everything seemed to remind Regulus of them or his childhood home. They were like a disease he couldn’t scrub clean of.
“Come On boys! Before the food gets cold!” James’ mum shouted from downstairs. James rushed toward the kitchen quickly, in front of the other two boys. Sirius on the other hand stood patiently, awaiting his brother's next move at the top of the stairs.
“I know coming here has to have been hard… if you ever wanna talk about anything, I’m here.”
“Not right now. I’m okay.”
“I know you aren’t. Don’t lie. S’alright if you’re not ready to talk. I’m just saying, when you are, I’m here.” There was Sirius Black, ready to talk about anyone's feelings but his own.It was a quality that irked Regulus, since he would rather never discuss himself.
“Okay. Let’s just go eat.” Regulus walked past his brother with the most forced smile Sirius had ever seen in his life.
Regulus passed through the living room, taking a moment to admire the way the light poured in the bay window, the gold accents of the wallpaper, shining brightly, but not in an overbearing way.
When he reached the kitchen his brother had already made his entrance and was seated joyfully to James’ left. The table had an array of foods in the centre, with a ceramic yellow plate at each seat. Fleamont sat on the other side of Sirius with the day’s paper directly in front of his face as he mumbled about the war quietly to his wife. The moment Regulus' presence was sensed Euphemia swatted her husband's arm and he tucked the paper away on the table next to his plate. It made Regulus stomach churn that they felt they had to hide the war from him. He wondered if it was because they didn’t want to trigger him, or if maybe they didn’t trust which side he was on.
“Morning, Regulus!” Fleamont smiled softly as he turned his full attention to Regulus, who lingered in the doorway.
“Good Morning, Sir.” Regulus greeted with a nod as he stepped further into the room.
“Please! Call me Monty. I’m not one of your professors.”
“Of course. My apologies, Si-Monty.” Just as Regulus was about to take his seat next to James, His brother stopped him by pointing to the cupboards.
“If you want tea or coffee you can grab a mug over there, or if you want juice there are a few different ones in the fridge. The glasses are in the cupboard all the way to the left.” With a simple nod Regulus made his way to the cupboard for a cup for his tea.
“Reggie doesn’t like coffee.” James pointed out matter-of-factly to Sirius. The second the words Registered in Regulus’ ears the cup in his hand was crashing on to the floor. Sirius stood from the table abruptly, but was ushered back into his seat by James, who rushed out of the room.
“Sorry! Sorry!” Regulus rushed down to his knees to pick up the sharp glass. Even as tears brimmed his eyes and blood began to drip from his palm, Regulus kept sputtering out apologies. He didn’t stop even as Euphemia's thin hands pulled him by the arms from the floor and helped him put the glass shards down on the counter. He hated the way his emotions took over him in that moment. ‘Pitiful.’ He thought to himself as he stared down at the thin cut across his palm. Regulus watched as James returned with a broom and dustpan to clean his mess and his apologies began again, this time at James.
“I’m sorry. Let me get that.”
“It’s okay, I’ve got it. You’re hurt.” James said softly, his eyes glancing down at Reggies bleeding cut.
“I did it, I should be the one to clean it up.”
“Regulus, It isn’t your fault, Dear. Accidents happen.” Euphemia led Regulus over to the sink to run warm water over his cut. It burned, but Regulus didn’t seem to mind. He was used to a little pain, it was the stinging of his eyes that was really bothering him.
“You’re not mad?” Regulus couldn't help the way his eyes widened in confusion or the tear that made its way down his cheek.
“No one is upset with you,” Euphemia paused for a moment, contemplating the words she wanted to say next. “I’m sorry they made you feel this way.”
Those words stung Regulus more than he imagined they would. The room around him became clear again, as his panic died down. Everyone was looking at him sadly, like some big tragedy had occurred and he hated it. He wanted to scream at them all to look away and to stop pitying him. Instead he pulled his hand away gently and backed up.
“I’m not hungry.” His words were quiet and distant as he turned and fled the room.
It wasn’t until he was in Sirius’ room with the door shut that he let the rest of the tears flow. He was angry, mainly with himself, for crying in front of them. For showing how weak he was.
“Pathetic.” He muttered through his teeth as he saw his reflection in the mirror inside the open closet door. He rushed forward, slamming it shut, before letting himself collapse onto the bed. His stomach growled in hunger, but he couldn’t bring himself to be around them again. Not when he had red eyes and a bleeding palm.
“Reg?” Sirius' voice was muffled by the door, but Regulus could hear the worry in his tone.
“I’m fine.”
“Stop lying to me. It’s okay that you aren’t.”
“I’m not lying!”
“God, you are so stubborn!” Sirius opened the door with a huff and made his way through the room with a plate. “I got you some food. I grabbed a bit of everything.”
“Thank you.” With a nod Sirius left and Regulus was relieved. Sirius had finally realised they weren’t going to talk about their feelings.
After a few moments, as Regulus was in the middle of enjoying his toast, there was a knock on the door.
“Come in.” He hoped it was Mrs. Potter so he could apologise for the rudeness of rushing out on breakfast, but instead was greeted with the messy haired and glasses wearing James Potter.
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“You don’t have to. I just brought you tea. I didn’t know how you like it so there isn’t any cream or sugar though.”
“No cream or sugar is perfect.” Regulus let his frown turn to the slightest smile as he took the clear teacup.
“Of course it is. I should have known.” Regulus gave James a pointed look. “You are a lot like Remus sometimes. He likes his tea the same way.”
“How did you know I don’t like coffee?” Regulus doesn’t even know what prompted him to ask this, and by the way the other boy’s eyes widened it was clear James hadn’t either.
“I uh, well, I-”
“Were you stalking me?”
“No! I just noticed that you always drink tea and once you tried Barty’s coffee and hated it.”
“Stalker.” Regulus teased.
“You wish.” James grinned leaving the room swiftly, leaving the door wide open. This caused Regulus to look after him in confusion, leaving without lingering for 10 minutes isn’t James style. It all made sense though when James came back holding a small black bag. “For your hand.”
“Thank you.” Regulus pushed out an apology despite finding words hard in this moment, he wasn’t used to people helping him. For the first 15 years of his life it was just him and Sirius against the world, even after he lost his brother to James. That was until he left. Left him alone to deal with the rage of his mother and the disgust of his father. It was his job to take care of himself, to pull himself from the floor and put himself back together.
“Of course, Reggie.” James started toward the door. For a moment Regulus had forgotten the other boy was there, so stuck in his own destructive thoughts. “Sirius thinks he failed you as a brother… He may not tell you this himself, but he’s glad you are here, that you’re safe.”
“Don’t worry about me and don’t let him either. I know worrying about everyone is your thing, but I promise I’m fine.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” James frowned as he began closing the door behind him. “Eat. Mum has a big day of shopping planned.” Regulus tried to push the thought of going out in muggle London aside as he ate his breakfast. Euphemia was a remarkable cook, and Regulus made a mental note to tell her this when he made his apology for his behaviour.