ça ne me dérangerait pas
“He had sometimes wondered if the real reason why men sought danger was that only thus could they find the companionship and solidarity which they unconsciously craved.”
- A Fall of Moondust - Arthur C. Clarke
James had read to him until Madam Pomfrey made her final rounds. By then, his voice was hoarse and he could feel his vocal cords scratching together through every vowel. Regulus had long fallen asleep. His fingertips, once cool and gentle on James’ neck, had gradually sunk to rest slightly curled on the edge of his thigh. Regulus seemed to glow under the moonlight - delicate and dim. A star amongst its constellation. Even though he was asleep, James had stayed there reading; obviously due to his genuine interest in the novel and not in the slightest connected to his slow simmering infatuation with its owner. The water had only just begun to heat, the bubbles still small and slim in number. Though, he did find himself occasionally glancing over at the figure beside him - a few more bubbles arising to the brim of the pot.
He heard Madam Pomfrey coming from miles away. Her high heels clacking against the ground like a bell on a cow - constantly relaying its location to the town. She appeared through the doors with an air of superiority. Her eyebrows risen high and defiant, ready to boot those who lingered.
James, naturally, was the lingerer. He leaned back on the glass of the window as far as he could, as if that could shield him from her glare. This only forced her to stand right before them with her hands clasped on her hips. She didn't say anything. James had decided they had an unspoken agreement not to wake him up. Maybe that’s why she let him off without a cry to detention or a deduction of house points.
He had offered to move Regulus to his cot, worrying that Madam Pomfrey’s frail arms would give out or at least make the boy restless. She shook her head, and James thought the least he could do was collect the books from the cot and place them in a neat stack on his nightstand. Additionally, grabbing Reg’s cloak and wand and gently placing them aside. He was then ushered quickly out of the room. If Madam Pomfrey was anything, she was punctual - meaning it was only a few minutes after curfew. This gave James a bit of leeway against patrolling teachers on his venture back, if need be.
When he got to the portrait and crawled through the oval-like entrance, Sirius was sitting down suspiciously on a red leather chair. His look and body language reminded James of a disappointed parent, ready to scold their teen on staying out past curfew. He could tell, simply by knowing Sirius for so long, that there was a smirk hidden amongst the facade.
“Well, well, well,” he mused, “look what we have here lads.” Remus, having just come down the steps leading to the boys dormitory rooms, rolled his eyes - fed up with the shenanigans. Peter, on the other hand, appeared from behind the curtain, hair frazzled and eye-lids peeled open as if he was afraid to miss something important.
Sirius shot Remus a glare and muttered something under his breath to which Remus begrudgingly replied, “and what do we have here, Sirius?” He then walked over to the couch, and plopped down - opening up homework from Professor Sprouts class.
“James, late for curfew?” Lily dramatically gasped, she too had just come from the dorms, and sat down next to Remus. Her hair was wet and brushed out, and she wore unicorn pajama pants. She also held a red solo cup in hand, filled to the brim.
“That’s what I said Lily!” Peter fully stepped out of the curtains now. James was hit with a pang of guilt. Lily was everything he could have ever hoped for; kind, compassionate, mischievous… James would do anything for her, anything to make her see how he’d treat her right. Yet, he felt guilty towards her - as if he’d managed to make some grave mistake that wounded her unrequited love for him.
“Who were you snogging?” Sirius joked. James mosied over to the chair next to Sirius and sat down. He had nothing to feel guilt about, right? He had done no wrong. He didn't do anything at all that resembled making moves on another woman - he wouldn't even think of it. But he could feel her gaze on him. Like she was silently judging from afar - tearing apart his mistakes bit by bit, leaving him exposed.
“No but in all seriousness,” Sirius leaned closer, “who was it?” he laughed. James shook his head. If he told Sirius right now that he was with Regulus, he would be put in a mood. In fact, the mere reality of James staying past curfew with Regulus would make Sirius fashion a cold shoulder. The guiltiness only sunk and swam about in the pit of his stomach.
“Can we talk about this later?”
Sirius was taken aback, “was it that bad Prongs?”
“Aw did a girl break your heart?” Lily chimed in, clearly enjoying this. Remus even looked up for a moment to study James’ expression, before nodding away. Pete now sat on the arm of the couch, fully invested in the conversation. James felt like he was punched to the gut. Yes, he thought, multiple times. He knew Lily wouldn’t mock him like that, but it was awfully hard to tell if that was her goal at the moment.
Lily seemed to realize her mistake when he sodded off up the stairs. She called behind him, stifling a laugh, “Aw James! I’m sorry, you know I didn't mean it like that!”
James and Lily had numerous talks about his dedication to their relationship that, as Lily were to put it, ‘would almost definitely not happen unless some crazy force came about and changed fate’. James had been waiting for the crazy force, clutching onto the crumps of hope that Lily so rarely laid out. It had hurt, to love every detail of someone who would never replicate that for him. To him it had always been Lily and James. Ever since that day on the train where he had spotted her fiery hair. But to Lily, to Lily it was just Lily and would always be Lily until someone that wasn't James came along. And then it would be Lily and them, not Lily and James.
He had still grasped onto the very slim chance that Lily would someday realize there was no one in the world who could love more wholeheartedly than James. But sometimes, James found himself staying awake at night wishing he’d never spoken to her in the first place. So that he wouldn't have to feel the pain of knowing her but never being able to be together. Lily was the greatest and the worst thing that James had ever stumbled upon.
“You okay mate?” Sirius had strode into the room and sat down next to James who was nearly suffocating himself in a pillow.
“Prongs it's just bants! We didn't mean anything by it I swear,” Sirius patted James’ back a little too hard. James sat up and leaned against the bed frame.
“But, like, did you snog someone-”
“No Sirius! Just because I was out past curfew does not by any means mean I snogged someone.”
Sirius just kinda sat there - rubbing the side of his finger. His lips moved into a flat line and he scratched his chin before he jumped up and walked over to his bed.
“Well mate, I dunno about you but I’m absolutely knackered.”
James sighed in relief, he didn't have to explain how he’d been with the very brother Sirius despised past curfew. But, James spoke too soon. Sirius pointed a finger up and turned around to look at James, eyes narrow.
“Well if you weren't snogging, then what were you doing?”
One thing James knew very well by now is that he could not possibly ever lie to Sirius. It's not even for the fact that he’s bad at it, it's the fact that he would be actively betraying trust that Sirius does not give out to just anyone.
“I was checking up on Regulus.” James prepared for backlash.
“Oh.” Sirius’ finger fell to his side and he plastered on a quite solemn expression.
“Why were you there so late? He’s alright isn't he?” James could see the hesitation in Sirius’ eyes.
“He’s tired of being deaf.”
“But then… why were you there so late?”
“Cuz I dont know Regulus like the back of my hand. You do. I have no clue how to comfort him in the slightest.” James huffed and threw his hands up.
“You don't need to comfort him. Jus- just to check up on the twat.”
“Sirius. It's me! Do you really think that I’d see someone distressed like that and ignore it? He- he,” James waved near his ear, “he had scratches on his neck and ear Sirius. Scratches. And well- well Sirius you should've seen it. His eyes, they were anxious and huge and wild and sad all at the same time and they were just sparkling Sirius- like fucking diamonds. But you could just tell he was distressed, you could just tell he can't- well he doesn't know how to deal with all this he doesn't know how to cope.”
“Went on a bit of a tangent now did we?” Sirius lifted his eyebrows.
“Not the point.” James ran a hand over his face.
“He seems just the same as usual, don't fret.” Sirius looked at James for a moment, hesitating, then turned around to his bed.
“The same? Did- you heard what I just said, right?” James' eyes went wide and Sirius simply nodded in response.
“He had scratches?” He reminded Sirius, confused.
“Always had those,” Sirius said so nonchalantly that James jumped up and stood at the foot of his bed.
“WHAT?”
“Yeah. By his left ear? They’ve been there forever mate. And, like I’ve just said. Our arrangement is for you to check up on him. Not to comfort him. All you need to do is walk past him once in a while to ensure he’s not passed out on the fucking floor again.” Sirius grimaced.
“I can’t do that Sirius. You know I can’t.” He gave him a remorseful look.
“Fine. But when you get all upset- because he truly is a prick- you don't get to come running to me for comfort.”
“Fine,” James said defiantly to cover up the deep seated feeling that all of this somehow was going to turn out horribly.
- - -
James decided to play it cool the next couple of days and avoid Regulus. He had walked by the hospital wing a few times and gathered his info through glances, but he never came up to him. He felt kinda bad really, he just wanted to comfort the sod.
It had apparently been eating away at Regulus too who now sat across from James at a table in the library - eyes narrowing.
James cocked an eyebrow, causing Regulus to almost immediately flick his gaze away. Regulus reached down to grab something that he plopped down beside the chair - and slid it across the table to James.
It was the book. But it wasn't the old beat up one with thousands of annotations. No. This one was new, the cover still smooth and shiny. Now James was really confused.
“I don't understa-”
“You didn’t finish it.” James sat there staring at it for a moment. He had liked the book, or at least the first few chapters. But, what he liked more was the notes - the annotations. They were like snippets of Regulus’s mind and James thought that was the closest we would get to actually knowing his thoughts.
Reg’s eyes panicked, “Unless you don't like it.”
James frantically shook his head, “no no! I like it! It’s just…” He looked down at the glossy cover, “I like your notes.”
Regulus squinted his eyes real hard and James had hoped he had successfully read his lips. He could see the cogs in Reg’s brain turning as his scrunched up face slowly turned slack and his eyes wide.
It was like he needed a further moment to process it, because a few seconds later his eyes narrowed once again - this time accusingly.
“You like my annotations?”
James simply nodded, because it was, in all reality, that simple. He tilted his head at Reg and eyed the side of his face - trying to get a better look at the scratches. He was still in disbelief that these were old scratches. No, not scratches, he reminded himself, they were scars.
Some looked old - white and tan lines clustered on his neck. Others though, James was almost certain were fresh. They were thin red lines so delicate it looked as if someone scribbled on Reg’s ear with a red fountain pen.
Reg covered his ear with his hair and shot James such a grumpy glare that he couldn't help but chuckle. He looked like a small child being told no at a candy store. It was practically a pout.
It didn't help the fact that Regulus grew so incredibly confused at James that he looked like he could explode from genuine curiosity. James ran a hand through his hair and his shoulders bounced at the boy in front of him.
“I’m sorry,” he grinned, “that was just really cute.” If James wasn't paying attention, he would’ve missed the split second that Regulus looked truly and wholeheartedly panicked. Red faced and everything. Though he put on an act of being apathetic towards the whole matter.
Regulus then gave him this look - this gaze Jame couldn't quite place. It was suddenly like he was oh so much higher than James. Like he looked down upon him. It also felt like he had a hand reaching down James’ throat pulling out the contents of everything James has ever done. It unnerved James. He began to have a shaking feeling that Sirius was right. That this was the gaze thrown upon them by their mother. It had stopped him dead in his tracks.
“What?” James gulped, almost scared by the possible answers.
“Tu verras,” he muttered.
James’ eyes nearly shot out of his head.
“What?” he said this time intrigued.
“Tout en temps voulu Potter.”
“YOU CAN SPEAK- French? That’s French isn't it?” James felt giddy. He could speak French? Could Sirius speak French too? Why hasn't he? Why has he just learned of this?
Regulus scoffed.
“Yeah you muppet.”
“Hey! In my defense Sirius never told me… and- you wanker.”
“You talked too fast, but I’m assuming you said something along the lines of ‘I’m too stupid to learn French and it baffles me that you know how to speak it fluently’.”
James’ jaw dropped, he kinda found it funny, “stupid? I’m not stupid! Here wait- bran- branleur?”
“Roi des cons,” he snorted.
James rose he head high, “I’m gonna take that as a compliment.”
Regulus shook his head and whispered, “andouille.”
“I- did you just call me a type of sausage?!”
“Technically?”
“Technically??? It was a yes or no question!”
At that moment Pandora walked up to them with just about a million books in her hands. She looked at Regulus and began tapping her fingers against the table - but it was odd, she only tapped the first two.
“Ah yes.” Regulus nodded. Pandora tapped the table again, in a different pattern this time.
“Again?” Regulus sighed. James was bewildered. He could understand this?”
Pandora tapped the table a bit more vigorously this time, clear annoyance in her furred brows.
“Ah yes I see, well that is quite the predicament.” Regulus began to rise, but James didn't want him to go. He began tapping the table randomly.
Regulus and Pandora just about died then. Both of them fell into each other with laughter.
“What? What. What did I do?” James felt a bit left out at the moment.
“You’ve just said ‘FU’ to Regulus.” Pandora explained through snorts.
“I mean- ça ne me dérangerait pas.” Apparently this was some elaborate joke that everyone but James understood.
James had decided in that moment- that beautiful burst of Regulus’ laughter, that if James was a photo - Regulus was a painting. Each brush stroke ethereal and meticulously crafted. There was no blueprint for his design; no live models were used to produce such a masterpiece. In this moment- Reg had no walls. He was simply Reg. And James wasn't thick headed enough to not recognise how insanely gorgeous happiness was on Reg.