Regulus usually doesn’t mind mornings. Sure, he’d love to sleep in a bit longer instead of getting up early for class, but he does so anyway with much less complaining and whining than Barty. Usually, he quite enjoys his morning routine and the breakfast he gets to share with his friends.
Usually. Because two weeks ago, Barty met a girl at the Ravenclaw party they crashed, and two weeks ago, he came down to breakfast covered in hickeys and proudly announcing he’s having a thing. ‘Friends with benefits’, he called it, which sounded ironic to Regulus since they weren’t even friends. He met her the night before, for Merlin’s sake. If Regulus was to name this thing himself, he’d rather call her Barty’s fuck buddy, although that term does not sit well with him, either. Maybe he’d just prefer not to refer to her at all.
Now, Barty has always had the tendency to overshare with his friends, especially when recounting his one night stands, and so Regulus has had to spend the majority of the last two weeks listening to Barty go on and on about his sex life with Ivy. (Regulus finds the name stupid, really. Who wants to be named after a fucking plant?)
All of this would not ruin Regulus’ mood as much, of course, if it weren’t for one tiny, minuscule detail.
Regulus is stupidly in love with his best friend.
So here he is, sitting at the breakfast table with a plate full of food and no appetite, trying to tune out Barty’s retelling of everything they got up to the night before. Instead, Regulus is mindlessly looking around the room, before his eyes land on her again, just like they have every morning for the past two weeks.
He can’t help himself from staring, really. Every time he’d try to look away, he always gets stuck on yet another thing he’s never noticed before. Like the way her blonde hair reflects the light and makes her look like the sun itself, or the way her laugh is shy and not obnoxious at all, or the way her eyes are so blue Regulus reckons he could drown in them.
Every time he tries to look away, he finds yet another reason she’s so perfect, and yet another reason he’s not.
Regulus decided he hates her a long time ago. Yet every time he sees her again, he can’t help but stare and lose himself in a never-ending comparison and a flood of insecurity. He wonders if Barty would love him more if Regulus had her hair, or maybe if he smelled like her perfume instead. Would his feelings change if Regulus could touch him the way she does? Would Barty settle for him if he tasted like her instead?
Regulus has never wanted to be with a girl. Even when he was younger, he felt no interest in them whatsoever. And yet, staring at Ivy now, he thinks he wouldn’t hate kissing her, just to catch a lingering taste of him on her lips.
–
Regulus has always had trouble sleeping. It may come from the fact that he never felt safe enough in his house as a child to doze off without constantly waking up, or maybe because his brain rarely managed to slow his thoughts down enough to actually fall asleep.
Tonight, it’s definitely the second option.
The party in the common room slowly comes to an end and the only noise left is the chattering of the few people who haven’t turned in for the night just yet. That, and Regulus’ never ending thoughts. Because all Regulus can focus on are the noises he can’t hear, more specifically the noises that are most probably coming from Barty’s bed at the moment, if it weren’t for the silencing charm his friend cast as soon as he and Ivy shut the curtains around them.
Regulus turns on his side, his back to Barty’s side of the room, and tries to think of something, anything, other than what’s happening in the bed next to him. He tries to think of Quidditch - the match they won today against Ravenclaw, or the homework he still has to do for his next DADA class, or the book Pandora promised to lend him after she saw his interest as she was reading it, or the smile Barty gave him as he congratulated him on his win today, or the girl currently under Barty’s bedsh-
Fuck.
–
Waking up the morning after a party is always unpleasant. But waking up the morning after a party and seeing a girl crawl out of your best friend’s bed, except you’re pathetically but silently in love with said best friend? It’s a nightmare. So really, it’s not Regulus’ fault that he starts his day in a bad mood, and it’s definitely not his fault that he gets snappy when he’s upset.
“Staying the night now, are we? That’s not very casual of you guys,” he says as he sees Ivy climb out of Barty’s bed.
“Lay off, Reg,” Barty mutters, still half asleep. Regulus knows he’s starting a fight about nothing, again, just as well as he knows Barty didn’t do anything wrong, again. And yet, hearing Barty defend Ivy, as if she needed his protection, only makes Regulus want to keep going.
“Calm down, lover boy. I’m just saying, I thought meaningless fucks don’t usually stay until the morning.” His back is turned as he talks, but he can see Ivy’s eyes widen slightly at his words before looking away. Reg sees her gather her things quickly and mutter a quick bye to Barty as she makes her way out of the room. He watches her leave and refuses to feel guilty for his words, at least until he sees the girl turn around right before closing the door and apologize to him.
Regulus doesn’t have much time to feel bad, however, because as soon as she’s out of the room, Barty loses his shit.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he yells as he gets up from his bed and stands directly in front of Regulus. If it wasn’t for both of their anger, he would definitely have a hard time ignoring Barty’s lack of shirt and his ridiculously attractive bed hair.
“Oh fuck off, did I lie?” Regulus replies. “You said it didn’t mean anything yourself, I’m just stating a fact. I don’t see why you’re so fucking upset about it unless something’s changed. Are you in love, Barty?” he asks mockingly.
“Nothing’s fucking changed, Regulus, and I’m not fucking in love,” Barty snaps, then pauses for a second. “I’m not in love with her, alright? But she’s my friend, and I don’t appreciate you being an asshole to her first thing in the morning. Merlin, Reg, ‘a meaningless fuck’? Really?”
“Oh calm down, she’ll be fine. She should know better than to take everything we say to heart if she’s gonna hang out with us, no?”
“Or maybe you should know better than to be a dick to my friends!”
“Oh I’m being a dick now? Grow up, Barty.”
“No, Regulus, you fucking grow up. I don’t know what your issue is but you need to get your shit together because I’m tired of your newfound attitude, alright? So don’t fucking talk to me until you’re done throwing a tantrum like a fucking five year old.”
“Fine.”
“Fine!”
“Fine!” Regulus yells one last time as he hears the door slam shut behind Barty, and he is left all alone again.
–
“You wanna go out for a smoke?”
Regulus looks up from his book and sees Barty watching him, waiting for an answer. They’ve been sitting next to each other in silence for at least half an hour, which would’ve been fine any other time, except now that silence is awkward. Silence has never been awkward between him and Barty before; during the course of their friendship, they’ve spent hours or even days just enjoying each other’s company, not saying a word. It’s different now, though. Since the beginning of Barty’s ‘thing’ with Ivy, things have been more tense between them. Regulus is aware a lot of it is his fault; after all, he’s the one to start most of their squabbles. Except, when he thinks about it deeper, it’s not his fault at all. It’s not his fault he gets snappy and defensive when he feels insecure, it’s not his fault his best friend recounts most of his sexual escapades in detail to his friend group, and it is definitely not his fault that he is deeply and pathetically in love with said best friend.
However, Regulus is at least aware enough to realize it’s not really Barty’s fault, either. He’s just having fun and being young, and Regulus knows that he would stop talking about his sex life so much if he knew what it was doing to him.
But Barty doesn’t know. And Barty can never know.
Because Barty doesn’t love him back.
To be fair, he never said those exact words, but Regulus doesn’t need him to. Barty is an enjoyer of all things fun, wild, and free. He parties, he flirts, and by the end of the night, when Regulus is making his way back to bed, so does Barty. Except, contrary to Regulus, he doesn’t do so alone.
Regulus wants to hate him for it. He doesn’t, he can’t. But, Merlin, he wants to.
“Sure,” Regulus replies after a while. “You got a pack?”
“Yeah, I should have a couple left in my bag.”
Regulus nods silently, and they both get up and make their way to the common room door. As they walk through the castle, they’re still quiet, painfully so, and Regulus tries his best to come up with something to say, to ask. Anything. Everything.
He can’t think of anything other than Barty’s hands around Ivy’s waist at their last party.
The chilly October air feels fresh against Regulus’ skin as they finally reach the courtyard. Barty makes his way to their favorite tree to sit down and Regulus follows him. Barty takes out his pack, offers one to his friend. He takes out a lighter - Regulus tries not to smile at his never-ending fascination with the small muggle object - and lights both of their cigs.
Silence.
He hears Barty put the cigarette to his lips, inhale, exhale, and do it all over again.
Silence.
And then.
“Have you ever been in love?”
Barty turns to look at him, obviously not expecting the sudden question. He looks confused for a second, and Regulus isn’t sure if the confusion is caused by the question itself or his answer to it. He watches him take another drag, hold it, and exhale - a habit he picked up by smoking too many joints with Evan, and he’s so used to it that sometimes he forgets he’s not supposed to hold it in when smoking a simple cigarette. He’s still watching Regulus when he finally answers with a quiet ‘yes’.
“Are you in love now?” Regulus asks quietly.
Silence. Another drag of the cigarette. Another ‘yes’.
Regulus stands up abruptly then, his own cigarette forgotten, and Barty follows him immediately. His mind is racing, he feels pressure in his lungs, like a weight pulling them down, and he knows that can only mean one thing.
Fortunately, when he suggests they should go back to the castle, Barty agrees immediately.
Unfortunately, it’s because he’s meeting with Ivy.
Regulus can’t do much except nod when he hears Barty say her name, and immediately after turns around and walks to the Slytherin common room. He focuses on walking normally, one leg after the other, not too fast and not too slow, until he turns a corner where Barty can no longer see him and he sprints the rest of the way. He runs, and his head is hurting and his lungs are on fire and he doesn’t even remember reaching the common room. He doesn’t remember saying the password, or opening the door, or running up the stairs to his dorm. Suddenly, he’s just there, and he closes the door, takes a deep breath, and proceeds to completely break down the moment he sees Evan.
Evan, of course, immediately jumps up from his bed to hug Regulus, and the only thing he can make out from his crying is a faint “He loves her, Evan. But I love him so much.”
–
Regulus and Barty have never fought as much as they have in the past few weeks. What started as frequent disagreements slowly turned into constant screaming matches, and Regulus is very aware of the growing worry of their mutual friends. He often wishes he could stop, just for their sake, but his emotions are relentless and he’s never been too great at coping with jealousy.
So when Regulus starts feeling threatened, he makes comments under his breath, quiet enough to pretend he’s talking to himself, but loud enough for Barty to always hear. It doesn’t help to prevent their fight that the comments are always about Ivy, who Barty is especially defensive about, which pisses Regulus off even more. Which is how he finds himself in his current situation, approximately ten minutes into a full blown screaming argument with his best friend.
“Oh that’s real mature of you, Reggie. You know, I get that you’re jealous and all, but that doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole to everyone around you,” Barty yells back at him.
Regulus, who was ready to counter his shouting with some of his own, pauses at Barty’s words and feels his heart stop for just a second. Jealous? Does Barty know about his feelings?
“What? What are you talking about? I’m not jealous,” he says defensively.
“Merlin, Reg, don’t act dumb. I can see the way you look at her,” Barty replies, more quietly this time.
Her?
“Listen,” Barty continues, a bit less angry now and more… sympathetic? “It sucks liking someone who doesn’t like you back. Trust me, I know. And I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry she chose me instead and if this is truly hurting you then I’ll stop seeing her. I don’t wanna hurt you, Regulus.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Regulus shouts back. He tries to make sense of Barty’s words, to understand where he’s coming from, yet he feels like they're speaking two different languages, because he can’t understand a single word coming out of his mouth.
“For fuck’s sake, Regulus, will you stop shouting at me! It’s okay, you don’t have to pretend anymore, I’m not mad,” Barty continues.
“I think you are mad. You’re properly insane.”
“Here you go, getting defensive again.” Each second that passes gives Regulus just an ounce more of clarity, and he has to keep himself from slamming his head against the wall as he realizes what Barty means.
“I’m not getting defensive! I’m not in love with Ivy,” he replies instead, still in disbelief at the conclusion his best friend came to and getting more frustrated by the second.
“Stop lying to me, Reg-”
“I’m not in love with Ivy, I’m in love with you, you idiot!”
Silence.
“What?” Barty says breathlessly after a while. “But you… you stare at her all the time…”
“I’m only trying to find out what I’m missing, Barty,” Regulus replies sadly. “What does she have that I don’t? Would you love me instead if I had her hair? Her touch? Would you love me if I smelled like her? Tasted like her? Tell me, Barty, what is it that she can give you that I can’t?”
There’s yet another moment of silence, like Barty has to take time before replying to him every time, or maybe he needs to process Regulus’ words first. As the seconds pass by without an answer, Regulus reckons Barty needs the time to find a way to let him down gently, without shattering his heart into a million pieces.
Regulus is aware that’s impossible, so he’s about to open his mouth and tell Barty to just forget this entire conversation, when his best friend beats him to it instead. “Nothing,” he replies.
“Nothing,” Regulus scoffs. “So, what? It’s not my fault? ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ bullshit?”
“No, Reg,” Barty replies, and he takes a cautious step towards Regulus before continuing. “I mean there is nothing she can give me that you can’t because it’s not her I want. Don’t you understand? Every time I touch her hair, I wish I was running my hands through your curls instead. Every time I smell her perfume, I wish it was your stupid, minty cologne I was surrounded by. Every time I kiss her, I wish I was tasting the coffee off your lips. And, fuck, Regulus, every time she touches me, I wish I was feeling your hands on my skin instead. So, yes, there’s nothing she can give me that you can’t, because you could give me so much more. If you wanted.”
The silence is there again, thicker than ever before, and it’s Regulus’ turn to need time to process his friend’s words. He doesn’t take long, however, even though his mind is still running and his thoughts are a mess and he feels like he’s dreaming, or maybe he’s dead and this is just heaven.
“I do want,” Regulus says breathlessly, impatiently, because he’s still not convinced this is real but he’ll be damned if he makes himself wait any longer.
“Yeah?” Barty replies, a small smile growing on his lips. He’s close to Regulus now, so much closer than he was before and Regulus isn’t sure when that happened, but his skin is on fire and he feels his desire practically spilling out of him, so he’s not exactly complaining.
“Yeah,” he whispers against Barty’s lips, and suddenly they’re on his instead, and they’re kissing. Barty is kissing him like he’s never been kissed before, like he’s catching up on all the years they’ve lost by being stupid and oblivious. He feels Barty’s hands in his hair, and Regulus smiles into the kiss and decides to put his hands up his shirt, just a little bit, to feel his skin on his own.
His hair. His cologne. His touch, and his taste.
Regulus thinks he will never have a girl crush again.
–
“Don’t even say it,” Barty says before his friend even reaches him. He watches Ivy laugh as she leans on the wall next to him and follows his gaze to where it’s settled on his group of friends - and his boyfriend - chatting casually in the courtyard.
“Alright, alright. I’m not gonna say anything,” she replies.
“Thank yo-”
“I told you so.”
“Ivy!” he yells as he bumps his shoulder into her.
“I’m sorry!” she replies, still laughing. “I absolutely deserve this though, after weeks of you blowing off our hookups just to rant about how in love you are with your best friend instead.”
“Oh, like you’re any better. You spent just as much time talking about your mystery girl as I talked about Reg, but you wouldn’t even tell me who she is!”
“Oh, fuck off, that’s not the same at all. My ‘mystery girl’ doesn’t like me back! Meanwhile, I’ve spent weeks convincing you your boyfriend is madly in love with you,” she replies.
“Alright, so you were right. I’m too happy and in love to care, to be honest,” Barty looks at her as he talks, then turns his head back to stare at Reg every couple of seconds. He can’t help himself, really. As soon as he looks back at Ivy, though, he sees her staring up at him with a mix of happiness and what seems like a hint of jealousy, too.
“I’m really happy for you, Barty. Truly,” she tells him, and trails off for a second before looking away from him and continuing. “At least one of us got a happy ending.”
Barty feels sympathy for the girl, who’s obviously in the same situation he was in only a couple days ago, yet still unresolved. When he follows her gaze, however, and sees it land on Pandora trying to braid Regulus’ short hair, he truly understands what’s going on.
When he turns back to console her, Ivy is long gone.