When Regulus had died and entered the afterlife nearly seventeen years ago, it had resembled a simple white area. Not quite a room, considering there had been no visible structure or shape. It had been sort of like an expanse of pleasant nothingness which had eventually formed into the world Regulus had gradually built with the help of all the other who had died in the war.
At the start, the only material thing had been the thin white veil Regulus had entered through. The little world had grown and changed as more and more people had arrived, but that veil had always remained constant.
Once in a while, Regulus would go back to it and try to see through it. He never succeeded, but he would occasionally hear things – murmurs seeming to emanate from the veil itself. Echoes of the desperate pleas of souls trapped somewhere between life and death.
Other times, a death was so spectacular that muffled screams and sobs could be heard from the other side of the veil.
In all the seventeen years he had spent in this place, Regulus had not had the courage to venture beyond that veil.
One evening in the June of 1996, Regulus was woken up mid-nap by Evan gently shaking him. He squinted his eyes open, fully prepared to grumble at his best friend to fuck off, but he cut himself off when he noticed the concern in Evan's eyes.
"What's wrong?" he croaked, instantly on high alert.
Evan cleared his throat awkwardly and looked around, as if searching for the best way to explain the situation.
“There were, uh, sounds, you know? Like, when there’s an important death.”
“Okay? And?” Regulus responded, not really following.
Evan looked increasingly uncomfortable. “Someone screamed. A young man, it sounded like. Regulus, it was startlingly clear. He was screaming… He was screaming “Sirius”.”
Regulus jumped to his feet, his heart dropping. No, no, it wasn’t possible. His brother couldn’t be dead. It was too soon. It was far too soon.
He ran out of his and James’ house, sprinting at full speed toward the veil. For the first time, the screams from within it were crystal clear.
“HARRY!” a painfully familiar voice screamed over and over again. “REMUS! HARRY, FUCK! LET ME OUT OF HERE, GODDAMMIT!”
Regulus stood transfixed, his heart shattering at the desperation in his brother’s voice. You can’t go back, Sirius, he thought sadly, You’re stuck here now.
Regulus didn’t know how long he simply stood there. It could’ve been minutes or hours, and eventually, the screaming faded out into muffled sobbing. That hurt more.
And then, perhaps stupidly, Regulus reached out and pulled at the veil for the first time. The view was rather anticlimactic. The area was much like the afterlife had been initially, except that it was dark and gloomy rather than pearly white. It was filled with spirits, some still humanoid, and others barely a few wisps of smoke away from oblivion.
At Regulus’s feet, a man with long dark hair was curled into a ball, sobbing miserably into his knees. Regulus’ heart clenched at the sight of his older brother so defeated. Sirius Black had never been one to give up. Yeah, well, he’s dead now, dumbass, of course he’s given up, the voice inside his head noted unhelpfully. Regulus promptly silenced it.
Seeming to sense a presence, Sirius raised his head, his whole body tensing up when he recognized the newcomer. Regulus took a step back, bracing himself for his brother’s wrath, but it never came. Sirius looked scared. That was so, so much worse.
“You,” he croaked, but there was no venom in his tone. Just wariness. “What do you want? Come to laugh at me? Ha, ha, look at the great Sirius Black. Broke out of fucking Azkaban but couldn’t even stay alive to protect his godson whose parents he’s responsible for killing,” he spat bitterly.
Regulus physically recoiled. Did Sirius really think he would laugh at him? Even worse, did he actually blame himself for James’ and Lily’s deaths?
Sirius looked instantly apologetic when he noticed Regulus’ reaction and he reached out, as it were an instinct to comfort him.
“Sirius, you hate me. I get that. But please believe me when I say that there is no universe in which I could ever be happy that you died.”
Sirius didn’t respond immediately, but some of the tension left his frame. “Reggie, I don’t hate you,” he finally said, so quietly that Regulus almost missed it. “I could never hate you. I hated them for what they did to me, for what they made you do. I hated some of the choices you made, some of the things you did, and, yeah it took me a while to separate you from your actions, but deep down I knew you were a good person at heart, Reg, until the very end. I’ve always believed that.”
Regulus looked away, trying very hard not to cry. He couldn’t understand now how he had ever thought Sirius was a bad brother, how he had ever believed he didn’t care about him.
“I tried to make things right in the end, you know?” he added after a few beats of silence.
“What?”
“Voldemort, he made a horcrux. That’s why he couldn’t be killed. When I found out about it, I… Never mind, it doesn’t matter. Wasn’t even real in the end.”
Sirius frowned and grabbed his arm. “Don’t do that. Tell me.”
Regulus hesitated but continued. “Well, I thought of you. Of what you told me the night you left; ‘Being brave doesn’t mean being fearless. It means being absolutely fucking terrified and going for it anyway. That’s the difference between you and me.’ So, I thought I’d borrow some of your bravery and I went to destroy the horcrux. Except I died in the process just to find out after Barty died that there are others, but, you know, shit happens. And the funniest part?” he continued, laughing bitterly, “I had spent four years trying to convince myself that I hated you, but in those last few seconds, it was you I thought of. Thought you might be proud if you knew what I did.” He looked down as he finished, his words fading into an embarrassed mumble.
Sirius just gaped at him for a few seconds, and Regulus couldn’t tell if he was sad or angry. He could practically see the question burning on his brother’s tongue; “Why didn’t you tell me?” He didn’t ask though. The answer was pretty obvious.
“Barty, huh?” he said instead, quite randomly, cracking a smile. “I went to see him, you know. The night you died.”
Regulus tried to hide his surprise. That was certainly news to him.
“When I got the news,” Sirius continued, “I didn’t tell anyone. I avoided James and Remus all day, they probably thought I was just in a bad mood – that happened often during the war. I didn’t want to worry Remus and, sue me, I wanted to spare James a little longer. Figured Barty would understand though. We always were very good ignoring our problems together. So, that’s what we did. We didn’t talk, really, we didn’t have to. We just got absolutely shitfaced and cried. Didn’t see him again until the day he died.” Then, Sirius’ expression turned dead serious, and he looked Regulus straight in the eye. “Reggie, we had it real shit, yeah? Life wasn’t fucking fair to us at all, and it took me a long time to realize it, but neither of us is to blame for that. You’re my favourite person in the world, and I’m sorry I ever made you think otherwise, and you’re right, I would have been so proud of you – no, fuck that, I am so proud of you. Always have been. Yeah, we both fucked up royally on many occasions, but we were just kids, Reggie. Kids are allowed to fuck up sometimes. Maybe we’ll get a do-over in death – Oh no, don’t cry,” he cut himself off, looking distraught. “Please don’t cry, c’mere.”
Regulus hadn’t realized he was crying, but it was as if some dam had broken loose inside him as soon as Sirius had mentioned it.
He dropped to his knees, crying so hard his vision was blurry, and Sirius immediately gathered him in his arms and held him tight, rubbing his back and shushing him gently.
Oh, Regulus loved Sirius so much. Perhaps his biggest regret in life was not ever telling him that. Sirius had been there for him anytime he needed it, he had practically raised him, really. And even though Regulus had given him nothing in return but anger and resentment, even though he had made horrible choices and done horrible things, Sirius was still here to forgive and comfort him.
"I'm sorry," Sirius croaked out after a few minutes.
Regulus looked up, confused. "For what?"
"For leaving? For giving up on you? For telling you that you were just like them and that I hated you? For not being there for you when you needed me most? I don't know, Reggie, you tell me. I have a lot of things to be sorry for."
Regulus was shaking his head before Sirius had even finished talking. "Shut up, Sirius. I'm the one who's sorry. You had to leave to survive, I'm sorry I didn't realize that and I'm sorry I blamed you for it. You were always there for me even when I was an absolute dick, you're the best brother anyone could ask for. I'm sorry I never told you that, too."
Sirius let out a choked a choked sob and squeezed Regulus tighter. "I love you, Reggie. I don't care. About any of it. I just want my brother back."
"God, I missed you so much." Regulus buried his face in Sirius' shoulder, clinging to him as if his life depended on it and momentarily considering never letting go.
But then he thought of James. James, who had spent every day for nearly fifteen years missing his best friend. James, whose heart hadn't been full in over a decade without his other half. James, who hadn't lost the concerned crease in his brow since the day he found out Sirius had been framed and sent to Azkaban. James, who couldn't truly be James without Sirius.
So, Regulus got to his feet rather reluctantly and offered his hand to his brother, who accepted it gratefully. Sirius didn’t let go even as they made their way to the house. I’m here, he seemed to be saying. I’m here and I’m not leaving ever again.
Regulus threw the door open and managed to catch a glimpse of the kitchen for all of three seconds before he was practically suffocated by James’ flannel. He pulled back, disgruntled, but all his annoyance died the moment he saw James’ face. He was beaming. He looked like the sun again. It stole Regulus’ breath. He hadn’t seen James this happy since before the war. He’d be damned if he was going to take that away from him.
Sirius and James clutched each other so tightly it seemed as though they were trying to meld together. They stayed like that for several minutes, shaking and sobbing and desperately clinging to each other. Regulus was so genuinely happy to properly have his brother and his boyfriend –finally – that he couldn’t even find it in himself to be jealous.
Sirius didn’t let go of his hand.