Disintegration
Wednesday, December 15, 1971
The full moon on the 2nd had passed unremarkably, with no big injuries or scars for Remus. It was actually relatively tame, so much so that Madam Pomfrey let him out of the hospital wing before dinner. Sirius, as always, took extensive notes for him, so well that he was done with his homework before lights out that same night. Today, Remus felt quite well, as he was just between the last full moon and the next, and no energy was being drained by the wolf.
“You’re all welcome at mine over the holidays, by the way,” James said offhandedly during breakfast.
“Can’t,” said Sirius and Remus in sync, and James gave them a questioning look.
“Family won’t let me leave the house over break, especially to a Potter’s house. I won’t even ask, I know the answer,” Sirius stated, looking a little sad at the fact, but James accepted it.
“Remus?” James questioned.
“Um…” he floundered for a moment. Just then, the post came, and Remus actually got a letter. From his father. He opened it and his face paled.
“Remus?” asked Sirius, waving his hand in front of his eyes.
“My mum’s ill,” he said quietly, and stood up to go back to the dorms. He heard the other three get up, a bit of hushed conversation, and one set of footsteps follow behind him.
“Remus? Remus, what’s wrong? How ill?” he heard Sirius say from next to him, and leaned against the nearest wall in the currently abandoned Entrance Hall. Remus shook his head and simply handed Sirius the letter, face red and blotchy. Sirius read it, but didn’t understand. “What’s lung cancer?” he asked, confused.
Remus sniffed and wiped his face before he answered. “Of course wizards don’t know about cancer.”
“How bad is it?” Sirius asked, but he had a bad feeling about it.
“My mum might die, Sirius,” Remus said, voice cracking, and started sobbing.
Sirius never knew what to do with crying people, he didn’t know why he insisted that he be the one to follow Remus out of the Great Hall. As Remus started sliding down the wall, he did what he used to do for his little brother. Sirius sat down next to Remus, wrapped his arms around him, and let him cry. He petted his hair and provided soothing words, things along the lines of ‘we’re all here for you’ and ‘I’ve got you’. Just before breakfast ended, Remus had mostly calmed down. He snivelled, leaned into Sirius a little more, then wiped his face with his hand and stood up with a blank expression.
“Thanks, Sirius. Let’s get our stuff and get to Charms,” he said quietly.
“Remus, are you sure you want to go to classes today? I’m sure the professors would understand…” Sirius replied.
“I’m sure. It’s go to lessons or lay in bed miserable all day. I know which I prefer,” he stated, then visibly steeled and walked back into the Great Hall.
He was met by questioning looks by James and Peter, but before they could speak, Sirius shook his head, and they were silent. That is how the rest of the day passed, with all of them being silent support for Remus. Later, sometime that night, Remus finally spoke again.
“Thanks for understanding, guys. I’ll be okay,” he said, mustering up something approaching a smile.
“Of course,” James said, and patted him on his back, followed by Peter and Sirius doing the same.
After the others had fallen asleep, though, Remus broke again. His mum . His sweet, loving, caring mum. The only person that was never scared of him. How could he live without his mum? The tears did not stop, and he tried to keep his sobs quiet so as to not wake the others.
The curtain of his bed was slowly pulled back, revealing a very concerned-looking Sirius Black. Remus’ eyes went wide and he fell silent, then sniffled before speaking.
“Sorry, did I wake you up?” he whispered.
“No, Remus, I was awake,” Sirius replied.
“What’s got you up so late?” Remus asked, genuinely, hoping Sirius would supply something that would help him keep his mind off of his mum.
“My best friend is sad, that’s what,” Sirius said, sadly, and Remus’ eyes started watering again.
Sirius clambered into bed with Remus and held him again, gently shushing him and saying kind things again. They fell asleep like that, and neither they nor James and Peter mentioned anything about it the next morning.
On Friday, after much nagging from his friends, Remus told McGonagall. She was very sympathetic, of course, and asked him if there was anything she could do for him. He only shrugged in response, still in shocked disbelief about the fact.
“Tomorrow… may I have permission to visit her?” he asked, sheepishly.
“Of course, Mister Lupin. You just come to my office and I’ll let you floo right on over. Will you be returning home for the winter holidays, then?” Remus nodded.
“But, if it’s not too much trouble, can I come here for the full moon? It’s better here, and I don’t wanna worry my mum.”
“Absolutely, I will notify Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey of your decision.” She paused for a moment. “Mister Lupin, is there anything else I can do for you?”
“No, no, that’s it, thank you Professor,” Remus replied, and stood to leave.
“Mister Lupin, I am sorry about your mother,” she said, sympathetically.
“Thanks,” he mumbled, and went down to dinner.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Hi mum,” Remus said quietly.
“Hello darling!” replied his mother, her now thin face lighting up at the sight of him. “How are you? How’s school? How are your friends?”
“I’m okay, school is good, and my friends are fine,” Remus replied, not being able to tell her the truth.
“Oh come on, dear, tell your mother what’s wrong,” she said, and patted the bed for him to come sit by her.
“Mum, you know what’s wrong. You’re sick. I’m not doing well at all because my mum’s ill, and I’m still doing fine in school, and my friends are terribly worried about me,” Remus replied meekly, his eyes tearing up.
“Oh, chariad,” Hope sighed, and pulled Remus into a tight hug as he cried silently into her shoulder. “You’ll be okay, I’ve got a while yet. I’ll have treatments, I might be able to beat it.”
“You might get better?”
“I’ll do anything I can to stick around for you, love,” she said, and they sat like that until she was asleep.
Remus carefully extracted himself from his mother’s arms and went to the kitchen for a cup of water.
“Hello, son,” his father’s voice says from the sitting room.
“Hi dad. Sorry I didn’t tell you I was coming. I couldn’t think.”
“Neither can I, Remus.”
After a few moments of silence, Remus could speak again. “She’ll be okay, right?”
A response didn’t come.
“Dad?”
“I don’t know, son. I don’t know,” he responded, then stood up and left the room. Restless, Remus goes on a walk.
She has to be okay , he thinks. She’s always been okay before. She’s my mum. She’s my mum. Soon she’ll get better. She can’t die. What am I supposed to do if she’s gone? She’s the only one that’s never been afraid. She’s the kindest woman in the world. She can't die. Remus somehow ended up outside the chapel of his catholic primary school. The cold of the outdoor air pushed him to enter.
Remus Lupin had never believed in God.
Remus Lupin sat down and began to pray.