Remus hated Halloween. To him, it was a horrible reminder that, while those who dressed up as werewolves for the holiday could simply take off their costumes, he could never do the same. His lycanthropy was something that he had no choice but to cope with every full moon. It also reminded him of what people thought of people like him; they thought that werewolves were terrifying monsters, and Remus couldn’t help but see himself that way as well.
Unluckily for Remus, though, he’d befriended the worst possible group of people during his time at Hogwarts — Sirius and James both loved the holiday. They loved it so much that, in their fifth year, they decided that they would celebrate by throwing a huge Halloween party in Gryffindor tower. Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas were all completely on board, and were willing to help out in any way they could. Peter had never seemed to get overly excited about Halloween, but he was up for an excuse to get pissed, so he had no objections.
The only other person who didn’t seem too keen on the idea was Lily. Before Remus knew about her disapproval of the party, he hadn’t really explained to the marauders the reasoning behind his own disapproval of it. He’d explained to them that he hated Halloween, but he would never let them know why, as he felt sick at the idea of them knowing how awful it made him feel. So, when Lily started arguing that it was far too close to Sirius’ birthday, which would inevitably call for similar celebration, and that while the parties were fun, they really shouldn’t be prioritising them over studying, especially since their OWLs were this year, Remus went along with it, since he felt like having more than one reason for being against the party may sway them a little more.
This reasoning didn’t seem to work, though — it just resulted in Remus and Lily getting called swots. The others also seemed incredibly determined to get the two of them more excited and involved by constantly bringing up their plans for the party in conversation. This eventually ended up starting to work slightly for Lily, but not for Remus.
One person who seemed particularly intent on getting Remus involved in the celebration was Sirius.
“Come on, Moony, I’ve never heard you complain about the Halloween decorations in the Great Hall,” Sirius whined one night, flopping his head dramatically onto Remus’ lap, who was sitting in bed reading a book.
“There’s only so much festivity I can take,” Remus replied, not looking up from his book.
Sirius frowned, lifted his head, and lowered the book Remus was holding with one of his hands in an attempt to try and get Remus to look at him. Remus made a noise in protest.
“I know you and Lils are worried about it messing with your studies, but it’s only one night,” Sirius tried. “You can head to bed as early as you want. Promise. But, please, at least give it a go? It’ll be just like any other party we’ve had.”
Remus couldn’t understand why Sirius was so desperate for him to be at the party. It wasn’t like Sirius ever paid him much attention at any of the other parties they’d held — he was usually bombarded by girls the whole time, drinking too much and standing on furniture singing along to the songs that blasted through the speakers.
“Honestly, Sirius, what difference does it make if I’m there or not? You always have a great time at parties,” he pointed out.
Sirius looked at him as if he’d taken offense to what Remus had just said. “Yeah, because you’re there,” he said.
Remus scoffed. “Yeah right.”
“Come on, maybe you’ll hook up with someone this time!”
Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius. “Really? You’re stooping that low to try and get me to come?”
Sirius shrugged. “Desperate times.”
Remus found it amusing that Sirius thought he’d be able to have eyes for anyone who wasn’t him. He knew he’d been in love with Sirius since their third year (though he thought that he may have been in love with him before then, and had just not been old enough to comprehend his feelings), and he didn’t think he’d be getting over it any time soon. He’d certainly tried.
“The answer’s still no,” Remus responded, going back to his book.
There was silence for a moment. Remus didn’t have to look up from his book to know that Sirius was looking at him, like he was trying to figure him out like some kind of tricky puzzle.
“Moony,” Sirius said, softly, “Hey.”
During their time at Hogwarts, Sirius had adopted a soft tone of voice that he seemed to only use around Remus. He often used it around him after a full moon, or when Remus was feeling particularly terrible. The tone felt like a soft blanket being wrapped around him, and Remus couldn’t help but give in to its comfort.
Remus hummed in response, laying his book back down in his lap to look at Sirius, who had concern written all over his face.
“Is something bothering you? Has someone upset you? Have I upset you?” Sirius asked.
Remus shook his head. “What? No, of course not. Why would you think that?”
“I know you put your studies before everything, and you don’t really like Halloween, but you’ve never been this against a party before,” Sirius replied.
He was right. While Remus always acted slightly reluctant to the parties the marauders loved to throw, he actually loved them. Parties were where Sirius seemed to shine, and Remus loved watching him shine, even if it was just from the sidelines.
It was clear that Sirius wasn’t going to give up until Remus agreed to come. Plus, Remus was starting to think that he was feeling a little bit too sorry for himself. His friends loved Halloween, and seeing them happy meant more to him than anything.
Remus raised his eyebrows at Sirius. “You’re not going to stop asking, are you?”
Sirius laughed weakly. “Probably not, no.”
Remus sighed. “Alright, I’ll come.”
Sirius’ face lit up. “If you’re sure?” he asked.
“Completely,” Remus replied. “I don’t know how much longer I can take James teasingly calling me a swot.”
Sirius grinned. “I mean, you are a little bit of a swot.”
“Shut it.”
“What? It’s not necessarily a bad thing. You’re the token swot of the marauders. It’s great!”
“If I’m the token swot, what does that make you? The token idiot?”
Sirius scoffed. “That’s obviously James.”
“What are you two gossiping about me for this time?” James asked as he entered the dorm, with Peter trailing not far behind him.
“You’re the token idiot of the marauders,” Sirius replied, matter-of-factly.
James frowned. “That doesn’t sound right.”
“Only an idiot would say that,” Sirius said. “Anyway, Moony’s up for the Halloween party!”
James grinned with delight. “Really?”
“I mean, come to think of it, didn’t you make it a rule that you have to come dressed up? I have no idea what I’d come as,” Remus pointed out.
Sirius waved a hand to Remus’ concern. “No worries, Moony! We’ve got a few days, we’ll figure something out,” he replied.
James nodded. “Yeah,” he said, and then he grinned. “I can’t wait for you to see my costume.”
Sirius grinned back at James. “Me too.”
Peter groaned from behind where James was standing. “I still don’t get why we’re not allowed to just tell each other what we’re dressing as.”
“The element of surprise, Wormy!” Sirius replied, grinning.
Sirius and James began talking excitedly about the party, and Remus went back to reading his book, unable to stop smiling at how excited Sirius and James were. He decided that, despite his own discontentment for the holiday, if it made his friends happy, it couldn’t be that bad.
***
The marauders’ Halloween party was in full swing — most people were tipsy by this point. As usual, Sirius had a crowd of girls around him and was showing off, which only ever made Remus laugh.
Remus had been observing for most of the night on one of the sofas, only getting up occasionally to get a drink, like he usually did. Sirius would always try and get Remus up to dance to no avail, and this party was no different.
Marlene and Dorcas were dancing together, occasionally going in for a kiss, Mary had finally managed to get Lily to dance with her, after trying to convince her for ages to get off the sofa she and Remus were sat on. Remus wasn’t too thrilled about her departure, though, as she had been his saving grace for managing to make the girls who seemed to keep coming over to him to chat, all giggly, go away. He was happy to see Lily having such a good time, though.
James was seemingly in their dorm room with Regulus, who had to sneak in without Sirius knowing. James had told Remus about an hour into the party that he was going to grab the invisibility cloak and bring Regulus in from outside so they could “hang out” together in the dorm, as he’d put it. Peter was standing at the edge of a room, seemingly trying to chat up a girl with a drink in hand. The girl did not seem overly thrilled to be there.
The costumes were indeed a surprise. Marlene and Dorcas were dressed as Shego and Kim Possible, which they told him was a Disney Channel animated show which shaped them as young lesbians. Mary was dressed as an angel, and Lily, who, like Remus, was at first against the idea of the party, and so had less time to plan a costume, looked beautiful in her fairy costume.
James was dressed as Spiderman, and Regulus donned his regular clothes and a fake knife headband which James had given him, after claiming that he couldn’t come in without a costume. Remus found this a bit silly, since no-one apart from himself and James were even going to know that Regulus was there, but James, being the Halloween fanatic he was, persisted. Peter was dressed as a zombie, and when he first saw the rest of the group’s costumes, he’d muttered, “I thought you were supposed to look scary for Halloween,” to which he got teased by Sirius and James, who said that if that was the case, he shouldn’t have bothered dressing up at all.
Remus was dressed as Prince Gumball from Adventure Time. He only knew of the show because of Sirius, who loved it, after being introduced to it by Dorcas. Sirius was dressed as Marshall Lee, and Remus had to admit that he looked beautiful, as always. Remus didn’t really have a choice when it came to who he was dressing as — Sirius had decided for him, saying that his costume provided the perfect opportunity for someone else to match with him — and Remus didn’t mind this at all. It’s not like he really had any ideas. Dressing up wasn’t really his thing, plus he didn’t really have the money to be able to buy a good costume for himself anyway.
There were a few people dressed as werewolves, and he’d occasionally hear them playfully howl, but Remus tried not to let it get to him. After all, they were just having a good time, and it wasn’t likely they meant any harm.
It ended up being a song that got to Remus. He didn’t recognise the first few chords, but it was clear that quite a few people did.
“Oh, YES!” One person yelled.
Then, someone began howling, and everyone started laughing and howling too. Remus took another sip of his drink, desperately trying to distract himself from the people around him.
“In touch with the ground
I’m on the hunt I’m after you
Smell like I sound, I’m lost in a crowd
And I’m hungry like the wolf”
The lyrics felt like a stab to Remus’ chest. Everyone was singing along, and a couple of the people dressed as werewolves were howling once again. He felt a mix of anger and sadness bubbling inside of him. He didn’t think he had a right to feel this way. After all, these people didn’t know he was a werewolf, and that after every transformation, he’d be scared to learn what he’d done the night before. To learn if he’d hurt anybody. Only the marauders knew, which is why Remus reached breaking point when he realised one of the loudest voices singing along was Sirius’.
Remus quickly got up from where he was sitting on the sofa and stormed out of the room, making his way into the dorm room, which he burst into quite dramatically.
“Moony! Merlin, are you alright?”
Remus had completely forgotten James was hiding up there with Regulus, and he’d clearly interrupted something. The pair of them were both on James’ bed, and they’d been making out as Remus entered the room.
Regulus was staring at Remus, completely taken aback.
“Yeah, I’m brilliant, thanks!” Remus said, sarcasm obvious in his tone.
James looked at Remus, concerned, and then at Regulus, with the same concerned look on his face.
“I’ll go,” Regulus said, moving from where he was on James’ bed.
Remus felt a pang of guilt in his chest.
“Remus! Are you up here?” A familiar voice called from the distance.
“Shit, it’s Sirius,” James said, looking at Regulus, with panic written all over his face.
Before Remus could offer any help, James had grabbed the invisibility cloak, and was covering himself and Regulus with it.
“We’ll go,” James said from under the cloak. “I really hope you’re okay, Moony!”
Remus couldn’t help but smile. For a second, his anger was forgotten. James often had that effect on him. He had that effect on everyone, really.
Then, Sirius burst into the room, and all of the anger came rushing back.
“Moony! Are you alright? I saw you came up here in a hurry.”
Remus laughed bitterly, shaking his head. “Surely you can’t be serious.”
Remus could barely look at Sirius through his rage, but he knew Sirius was frowning.
“Serious about what? What’s happened?”
Remus couldn’t help it. He couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Are you fucking kidding me? You let a bunch of people show up dressed as fucking werewolves, and then you play a whole fucking song about them, and you’re singing along to it as clear as day!”
“Oh,” Sirius, as if the realisation was finally hitting him. “Oh, Moony.”
Remus felt his eyes prick with tears, and he fought desperately to not let them slide down his cheek. “Halloween is just a reminder of what I truly am to people. Fucking scary. A monster,” he said, trying to keep his voice as even as possible, though he practically spat the last part.
“Moony, I—“ Sirius said, trying to put a gentle hand on Remus’ shoulder.
“No, don’t touch me right now, please,” Remus said, stepping away from Sirius, keeping his arms crossed close to his chest. “I just… need a moment.”
“Alright,” Sirius replied. “Do you want me to stay?”
Part of Remus — the bitter, angry part — wanted to yell at Sirius for even asking such a stupid question. It wanted Sirius to go and never speak to him again. The other part, though, couldn’t bear to sit in a room alone, listening to everyone downstairs enjoying themselves as he stewed in his own self hatred.
Sirius waited for Remus to reply.
Remus nodded weakly. “Please,” he whispered.
“Okay,” Sirius replied, almost as quietly. “Okay,” he said again, making his way over to his bed and sitting down.
Remus slowly sat himself down on the edge of his own bed, and the two of them sat in silence for a while, the only sound being the music that was blaring from downstairs, and the people down there singing, laughing and having a good time. It hit Remus suddenly that the only reason he had agreed to come to the party in the first place was to see Sirius happy and in his element, and here he was, sitting with Remus.
“Sorry I snapped at you,” Remus said, breaking the silence.
Sirius looked up at Remus, as if he was surprised to hear him speak. “Huh? Oh, it’s okay,” he said, before adding, “I deserved it.”
Remus shook his head. “No you didn’t. You were just having a good time like everyone else.”
“No. No, Moony,” Sirius replied. “That was really fucking insensitive of me, and I’m so, so sorry.”
Remus didn’t know what to say, so he just shrugged. He began to feel slightly sick at the thought of Sirius now knowing why he hated Halloween.
The two of them sat, once again, in silence for a moment, which Remus appreciated. Sirius could talk for England, but he seemed to be fine with obliging when Remus needed some peace.
“James was in here?” Sirius asked, looking at James’ bed with his eyebrows furrowed.
Remus suddenly felt rather panicked? How was he going to respond to that? James’ bed looked very unmade, but he couldn’t come out and tell Sirius what James had really been doing.
“Yeah, I think the drink got to him. He told me ages ago that he was turning in for the night,” was what he managed to come up with.
Sirius tutted. “So that’s why I’ve hardly seen him tonight. Lightweight.”
Remus hummed.
“Hey,” Sirius said, with a sincere look on his face. “You’re brilliant. You know that, right?”
Remus groaned. “Fuck me, what is this? Why are you complimenting me?”
Sirius laughed weakly. “Sorry, I know you hate it. I’m a little bit tipsy and I’m trying, okay?”
Remus laughed. “Okay.”
“Am I okay to come over there?” Sirius asked, referring to Remus’ bed.
Remus frowned. “You’ve been up here a while, don’t you want to head back downstairs?”
Sirius frowned back at Remus. “Why would I want to? I want to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine,” Remus said, trying to reassure Sirius, but he realised he sounded more snappy than anything without trying to be.
Sirius raised an eyebrow at him, and Remus sighed, putting a hand to the bridge of his nose. “You shouldn’t have bothered trying to get me to come in the first place.”
There was another beat of silence.
“I’m so sorry if you felt pressured, Moony,” Sirius said, his voice soft and genuine.
“It’s alri—“
Sirius interrupted Remus before he could finish speaking. “It’s not though, is it? I’ve been the most insensitive twat going, constantly pleading with you to come to this party even though the thought of it made you uncomfortable this whole time.”
Remus laughed helplessly. “It’s just a me thing though, isn’t it? I shouldn’t spoil people’s fun just because I have issues.”
“I mean, yeah,” Sirius responded. “But the party was kind of rubbing it right in your face, wasn’t it?”
Remus shrugged.
Sirius huffed out a fond laugh. “You hate admitting that I’m right.”
“I mean, yeah, but it’s still fucked up for me to dictate what you can and can’t do.”
Sirius shook his head. “Moony, I’m sure no-one would’ve had an objection to just having this be another standard party. We all just love an excuse to get pissed!”
Remus couldn’t help but laugh.
“But we also want you to feel comfortable. Parties are a marauders thing. It’d feel weird if you weren’t there.”
“I really don’t think anyone even noticed me storm out earlier,” Remus said.
“I did,” Sirius replied.
Silence once again fell between the two of them. This time, it felt a lot more comfortable, and far less tense. That was the nice thing about being with Sirius, Remus could simply exist around him and he’d be happy enough. In fact, very often Sirius would join Remus on his bed in the evenings while he was reading a book. He wouldn’t try to interrupt or start a conversation (though sometimes he did ask Remus to read to him), he just liked being in Remus’ company. The feeling was certainly mutual.
Things downstairs seemed to be dying down — the music could still be heard, but there was much less chatter. Remus began to wonder how many people were still down there.
“Seems like things are dying down downstairs, anyway,” Sirius said, as if he were a legilimens.
“I’m sorry,” Remus replied, still feeling guilty for making such a fuss.
“Moony, you’re good, I promise you,” Sirius said, reassuringly.
“If anyone should be apologising it should be me,” Sirius said, his voice quiet once again and filled with guilt. He looked Remus in the eyes as he said, “I’m so sorry.”
“Sirius, we’re just going to keep going in circles over this,” Remus pointed out. “We’re both sorry. Should we leave it at that?”
Sirius chuckled. “Yeah, alright, then.”
Remus sighed and moved himself from where he was sitting on the edge of his bed to sit by the headboard, purposefully leaving space so that Sirius could sit himself beside him. “Come here,” he said, patting the empty space next to him.
Sirius made his way over and sat himself down beside him. Each of the beds in the room were single beds and incredibly old, and not at all designed for two people, but Remus and Sirius had found a way to make it work over the years. It was always a very snug fit, and this time was no different, with Sirius and Remus’ bodies touching.
Sirius was quiet for a moment before he said, his voice so quiet it was almost a whisper, “Do you want to know the reason I was so desperate for you to come?”
Remus’ attention snapped to Sirius’ face, which he began to search, as if it would give him the answer without Sirius actually having to tell him, but he found nothing of the sort. They were so close to each other, and now that they were looking at each other face to face, Remus could feel Sirius’ breath on his own. This wasn’t uncommon at all, and Remus would often have to fight back a shudder. He certainly was this time.
“Go on then,” Remus said, scolding himself internally for how nervous he sounded.
“I like you, Remus.”
Remus laughed, slightly confused.
“I really, really like you. In a more than a friend way,” Sirius continued.
Oh.
Remus convinced himself he was dreaming. It had been a really tiring night for him, so maybe he’d stormed up and gone straight to sleep on his bed. Maybe Sirius wasn’t even here, and he was still downstairs, singing as loudly as he had been when Remus had left. It wasn’t like Remus hadn’t had a dream similar to this before, anyway, so it was certainly a possibility.
Remus continued to look at Sirius’ face, searching for a sign that maybe this was some kind of test or prank. “Is this— I don’t—“
Sirius somehow managed to move even closer to Remus, causing him to let out a shaky breath. To this, Sirius backed away ever so slightly. Remus would never stop cursing himself for causing him to do that. Sirius looked fearful all of a sudden, a look that was somewhat rare, but never failed to break Remus’ heart.
Remus moved so that they were as close as they had been before. “Can I kiss you?” he asked softly.
Sirius nodded.
Remus cupped Sirius’ face with his hands and went in for a kiss. It was ever so gentle, as if the two of them were scared they’d hurt the other somehow. Their lips lingered for a moment, and Remus was the first to pull away, keeping his hands on Sirius’ face, and staying close enough to it that he could feel Sirius’ breath against him.
Sirius laughed softly. “I’m guessing the feeling’s mutual, then.”
Remus laughed in reply, shaking his head. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”
A frown appeared on Sirius’ face, and Remus couldn’t help but want to kiss it away.
“Why did you never say anything?” Sirius asked.
“Are you joking? You constantly have girls flocking you. I thought I had no chance.”
“I could say the same to you,” Sirius replied.
Remus scoffed, letting his hands drop from where they were cupping Sirius’ face. “What?”
Sirius grinned, and Remus didn’t think he’d ever been more pleased to see that grin before. “Don’t act so naive, Moony. Have you not noticed how busy yours and Lily’s book club has gotten lately?”
“People have just come to appreciate the joy of muggle literature, that’s all.”
Sirius laughed, and cupped Remus’ face in his hands, pulling him closer. Sirius’ smile suddenly wiped off his face, and he was left with a look of sincerity. “I love you,” he said, before planting another delicate kiss on Remus’ lips.
The kiss was so gentle it made Remus hungry for more, but he continued to look at Sirius, who was so, so close to him. Sirius smiled at him, as if he knew the effect he was having on him.
“I love all of you,” Sirius continued, planting a gentle kiss on Remus’ forehead.
Sirius was being so tender that it made Remus forget how much he hated being smothered with appreciation.
“I’ve been obsessed with you since the day we met, and I’ve fallen more in love with you every day since then.”
Remus couldn’t take it any longer. He pulled Sirius in for another kiss. This time — at least on Remus’ part — it was much less tender, and much more desperate. At that moment, he wanted to give everything he had to Sirius.
The two of them kissed until they couldn’t anymore. Sirius was the one to pull away, breathless, and Remus couldn’t help but let out a small noise of disappointment.
Sirius smiled softly at Remus, reaching up to brush a hand through his hair. “I just need you to know that you’re loved. And not just by me, but by James, and Peter, and Lily, and Mary, and Marlene, and Dorcas. We all love you, every part of you. And I know you have this idea in your head that you’re some sort of scary monster, but you’re really not.”
After a pause, Sirius added, his voice and face completely soft, “You’re my Moony.”
Remus shook his head fondly and chuckled at Sirius, brushing a hand through his long black hair. “I’d have thought all that kissing would’ve sobered you up a little bit.”
Sirius laughed in response.
“Hey, do you reckon there are many people left standing down there?” Remus asked, though the lack of music coming from downstairs sort of answered his question for him.
Sirius shook his head. “Probably not,” he said, and then, he added with a grin, “Mary and Lily seemed awfully close.”
Remus looked at Sirius, confused. “How so?”
Sirius laughed. “Merlin, Moony, you really are useless at knowing when someone’s in love, aren’t you?”
Remus was still confused. “What?”
“Those two so clearly have a thing for each other,” Sirius replied. “To be fair, I didn’t figure it out entirely by myself. Mary did tell me she liked Lily, but Lils has never said anything to me, and it’s so obvious that the feeling’s mutual.”
“Wow,” Remus said, laughing in disbelief that he never noticed.
Sirius chuckled. “Yeah. It looks like we all have a lot to discuss tomorrow.”
Remus smiled, nodded, and went in to kiss Sirius again, the pain and insecurities caused by the night he’d had slipping away.